I don’t want to end up like my parents. Any advice?

Make plans now.
Tell your wife that you do not want her to care for you.
That if it comes to the point where you need care that you will move to AL or MC what ever is appropriate for the level of care that you need.
If you can afford it look into Long Term Care Insurance.
At some point look into Community Living for both you and your wife. As long as there is a Continuum of care available it would make any transition easier for both of you. You can enjoy retirement, not have the upkeep of a house, eliminate many bills that come with homeownership. And know that if either of you need care it will be there.
AND one thing to do now is...if you taking care of your parents is taking time away from your time with your wife and family then maybe it is time to move your parents to AL or MC.

And one last word, I have this hanging by my computer this is a partial quote...

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And then I realised...you spent the rest of your life with me.

Never make promises that you may not be able to fulfill and never make anyone promise you something that they may not be able to fulfill.
You never know what the future holds.
What you can do is tell each other that you will care for each other as best as you can as long as you can safely to do so.

I am so not a doctor. But in my case I plan to: limit/exclude benzodiazepines, and limit/exclude anticholinergic medication. I also see ppl here talking about some kind of insurance that can cover nursing costs later, tho I'm 100% unfamiliar with that. Dementia is not present in my family history - but caring for my mom on hospice now I'm not sure what I'm seeing so I better plan ahead just in case.

Pretty sure wife understands you're 17+ years older then her and a promise like that would have been made out of the emotional viewpoint of love.

I married a man 10 years younger but I once read that on average men die 10 years younger than their spouses. So I now tell my husband I robbed the cradle so that I didn't have to spend my last decade alone ;)

In the meantime I know this is a lot for someone to absorb. Moments like is is when we really start facing our own mortality. But as my mom and aunts/uncles say, old age isn't for sissies, and no one gets out alive.

hug!

of course you know the usual things:
-enjoy your life
-have fun

just kidding…
i mean, we all know the usual things:
1. eat healthily
2. exercise
3. get your papers in order (POA, will…). leave as little mess/chaos for other people.

also:

4. be surrounded by kind people (mean people will wear down your health). WHAT you eat, and WHO your friends are, is just as important. eliminate unfriendly people from your life.
5. be a kind person yourself
6. live a life you’re PROUD of (then, later, even if bad things happen, or bad health, you can look back with pride).


bundle of joy
(wearing my xmas reindeer antlers as i type)

You can't stop the aging process, but you can look after yourself. I have started reading a book "The Great Age Reboot" which may give some ideas about increasing our chances of a long healthy life. I haven't got very far into it so this is not an unqualified recommendation. There are other books out, I am sure, with good ideas about maintaining your health. Much of it is obvious - keep your blood pressure, your weight, your blood sugar etc. where they should be. Do this by life style changes as necessary rather than relying on pills. Get good nutrition, exercise, sleep, deal with stress, socialize, give your brain challenges - games and so on. When I say exercise that does not mean beating your body up but keeping moving. Muscles are meant to be used. This may sound simplistic but it isn't. It is the best way to look after your body and mind IMO.

I am 85 and on very few meds. I work on what I have mentioned above. it is not fool proof but I strongly believe it helps. I do have CFS/FM but still do more than many my age. My family is very long lived so I work to keep as good a quality of life as I can. If you are going to be alive you want to be able to have a life.

mynameishappy, one secret is for one's spouse to be on the same page when it comes to the future and aging.

My parents were in their 90's and Dad wanted to sell the house [too much maintenance for him at that age] and move to senior living. My Mom said no, nada, never. She even refused to have caregivers in the house, but Dad wanted them. I tried, but Mom was a hornet and shoo the caregiver out. One caregiver told me my parents were in a bitter verbal dispute with each other constantly over having caregivers. If only they were on the same page.

I am dealing with something similar with my sig-other, who is the same age as I am. He wants to age in place, and have his grand-daughters help him when he gets much older. I am so against that, as I do not want to disrupt his grand-daughters college education, future careers and future home life. Guess he didn't learn anything when he and I both were trying to care for my parents. I was a basket case as my parents still viewed me as someone in their 20's or 30's with a lot of energy, instead of me being a senior citizen myself.

First of all, get an elder care attorney. You and your wife are not too young to make plans and have the three important documents in place: A Will, POA and POA for healthcare. If you are both in good health you might look into Long Term Health Care insurance. Also, if you have concerns about your own memory now or in the future, speak with someone at the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America (866) 232-8484. You can be tested to see if you carry 2 copies of the APO4 gene which predisposes you toward developing the disease. Then there are clinical trials for people with no symptoms to see if you have Amyloid plaques and at least they are free. They are designed to help people in advance. The advice is always exercise, Mediterranean diet, limit alcohol if drinking at all to 1glass a day. Good luck!

Now would be a good time to visit places in your area where you can live when you can't keep up your home anymore. You might not need them for 10 or 20 years, but at least you'd know what you like and don't like in such places. Some people want a lot of socialization. Others don't. There are so many varieties of independent living and assisted living. I'd suggest choosing a place that offers stepped-up care; i.e., you start out in independent living, maybe in your own separate house on the grounds, and when you need more help, you move to an apartment and then to skilled nursing or memory care. This way if either you or your wife have a health issue and need help, the other one can live an independent life and there's always going to be someone to help both of you, whatever the difficulty. Save your money! It costs, but it's never too early to plan financially for one of the major circumstances of your lives. Several people that I know who did this sold their house and other assets in order to afford it. Their kids were very grateful not to have to take them in. So was the surviving spouse.

Eat organic , exercise - yoga , meditation , stretch, swim , enjoy Nature. hike , sun light . No Pharmacueticals . Limit cigarettes and alcohol intake . You could do a 23 and me test which tells you if you have the gene But I would Not want to Know .

We live too long. Accept death instead of prolonged treatment which will not improve the quality of your life but may only make you an emotional and financial burden.

Mediterranean diet
Regular exercise - working with a trainer at a gym is a great way to get started.
Mental and intellectual stimulation daily - word games and puzzles
Learn a new language
The Transcendental Meditation® technique. tm.org

I'm 67 with mild health conditions, no dementia, Thank God, but independent in my lovely condo without local relatives in sunny CA. I'm OK and active now. Not sure what will happen 10, 20, 25 years from now. I'm in a limited financial situation and cannot relocate to natural family until further notice. All we family can do is stay in remote contact for now.

eat good don't take drug (recreational ) enough sleep and SAVE YOUR MONEY

Good Morning,

I couldn't help but think, perhaps, your wife who is 17 years younger should promise you that the she will be there for "your" last breathe. There was no mention of that. Since chances are you will go first.

I'm sorry I have that Irish sense of humor and couldn't resist.

I hope you have a lot of $$$. Seeing that your name is happy I didn't think you would mind.

There are no guarantees in life. If you feel uneasy about your future if you have the money buy long term insurance. At one time it was a good deal. Now there are so many loopholes that the premiums are usually not locked in and they increase over time.

Everyone's number one fear is, I don't want to die alone. When you say your wife is watching your parents decline is there something that you have noticed that makes you concerned.

Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. This is called life and depending upon what your beliefs are, "through sickness and in health". Depends on which rules you are playing by.

You and your sister sound like really nice people. These May/December marriages are tricky. You sound like you are not sure if you will taken care of.
No one knows. Don't be afraid. Life is not a pat hand. God always sends people.

Do you belong to a Church. Do you have good medical, disability insurance, life insurance, etc. These things are important. Perhaps, as my brother would say, have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife and get a portfolio and put everything in it.

There are no guarantees… save your $$$

Timothy I am also a younger wife. My husband is 20 years my senior and could fill a book with his excuses to avoid activity to prevent infirmity as he ages. Now at 82 our lives are a shell of days the past as his mobility has significantly declined. It’s awful. My dear husband is no longer that vibrant, full of life man I married 35 years ago. He knows it his own choices that are a major factor and regrets is deeply. God blessed you with a wise and loving wife. Grab that excellent insight with both hands. Wishing you both many happy fulfilled years together.

Buy property in Vermont, Oregon or any other state that supports assisted suicide. Seriously. We can't predict what will happen to us physically, though obviously living a healthy lifestyle helps. But in some states, we can control how our life ends when we have a terminal diagnosis.

I'm also 57 and have given my kids very clear instructions that they're not allowed to be my caregivers, and their only responsibility to me is to find a good care home or aide. I want them to focus on their own lives and kids and visit me cheerfully when they can.

Be mindful of and take responsibility for your lifestyle choices. Stay physically active and socially engaged and find opportunities to help other people. You may or may not develop some of the problems your parents are having. The better your physical and mental health now, the better you will be able to adjust to changes as you age.

Listen up, Happy! A lot of advice about care in the future here, and it's good to do this. I want to say only one thing, research your habits right now. Write out a list for yourself, your own personal list of strengths and weaknesses in caring for yourself right this minute, not ten years down the road. A few things come to mind if you don't mind me reminding you!
If you don't do this already, get off your butt and move. Find an exercise you might like, but do it anyway, even if you don't like! Keep your body in the best shape you can now.
Keep you mind active, it needs exercise also, work at it.
Get off the sugar, the beer, alcohol of any kind, junk food, and OTC drugs.
Drink the actual 64 ounces of water recommended for humans for decades.
Read every bit of research you can stand to get an idea of the actual harm the things you fear can do to your brain.
Stuff your saving account, research a really good long-time care policy. Have a no strings separate account for your darling wife, her name only to assist her if you go downhill or die before her.

You are a primary candidate for Alz or at least some kind of brain burn. Take steps now, along with the legal and living places suggested here by people who know.

And no, I am not a doctor, not any kind of health professional. I am a full time caregiver of my Alz. husband who would never take a moment to consider his own health, would not see a doctor for any reason. Once in a while it would have profited us now, if he had gone then.

Good luck and have a happy life with your darling wife, make a life you can look back on and know you did your best! Let the rest go! I admire you for thinking about this now and taking action! God bless!

Sone really great answers here! As far as dementia itself, look up the Apollo Group or Bredesen Protocol. Don't accept that there is no hope.

unfortunately our health care system in geared to extending your life as long as possible. In many cases against your will. Make sure you have an advanced medical directive in place. Also I am prepared to take my life if necessary. This may be extreme for some people.
I watched my mother in law suffer for 10 years she died 4 times and her daughter had the doctors revive her. She could not walk and had severe dementia and Alzheimer’s and lived to be 94.

I don't get the healthy living tips answers. The question is about what we do when the time comes where we can no longer take care of ourselves.

I don't own this book, but it might be useful:

The VSED Handbook: A Practical Guide to Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking Paperback – March 15, 2022 by Kate Christie

https://www.amazon.com/VSED-Handbook-Practical-Voluntarily-Stopping/dp/0985367792

VSED is legal, unlike assisted suicide in most states.

It assumes someone has the will to do it when the time comes. Or would one be like Wilson in W. Somerset Maugham's The Lotus Eater (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lotus_Eater)?

Because my dad had vascular dementia, I’m trying to do what I can to protect my vascular health. I take fish oil every day as well as a magnesium supplement, don’t drink, exercise, and stay active mentally by learning new things. He had untreated hypertension for years and so far I’m good in that category. My moms side had Alzheimer’s, although my mom never had it. Not sure what to do to avoid that. I recently heard there is some evidence that a low protein, high carb diet might encourage Alzheimer’s to develop. Anyway, staying engaged with life, eating a good diet and exercising is about all you can do at this point.

Lots of good answers. Make no one any promises. We simply don’t control the endless array of possibilities that may happen, so promises are ill advised

TLDR: What do YOU want for your future plans?

What I have learned from my mother…

She is widowed, I have been single for a very long time and don’t have kids. I do have a “person”, who is a bit younger than I am, not a romantic partner, not really best friend, he’s my family, my village.

My mother refuses to go to a care facility and refuses to pay for assistance.

She has fallen three times in the last few months and has to get herself to a phone, call 911 and then pay $100 for the EMTs to pick her up, but not transport her.

She refuses to wear her necklace button AND I have placed emergency buttons in the shower. She crawled past the shower buttons to get to the phone. Side note: I pay for the emergency alert services.

Anyway, this has made me realize IF I want to stay in my home and can no longer do my errands, maintain my house or get myself to appointments when the time comes, I’m going to have to pay someone to do it…and I’m going to have to pay more than I want to.

I needed my yard mowed a while ago, it took a 12 year old neighbor boy 20 minutes and he charged me $40. The lad is going to be in for the shock of his life when he graduates college and is lucky to make $40 an hour.

So, again for me to remain in my house, with my ability to sleep in a large bed, watch whatever I want on television, set my own hours, make my own food choices…it’s going to cost me.

It took less than two years for my mother to burn my lights out. I hate running my own errands. I live 4 hours away from her. She has friends, she has my sibling an hour from her…and she will call me to come “home” and go to the grocery store for her. It becomes a battle when I can’t drop everything and do it.

I’m slowly learning some awful truths… 1) my mother who has cultivated a persona of kindness and honesty with me for 50+ years will both lie to me and about me. 2) She has no respect for any boundary I set has no empathy for any reason behind the boundary/limit and 3) she isn’t afraid to do damage and say/do horrible things to get her own way.

I’m saying all of that because….I don’t want to be that in another 30 years.

Right now, you are husband, stud puppet extraordinaire and killer or spiders and various other small nuisances to your wife.

What do YOU want your wife to do for you if your future has some similarities to your parents? More importantly, what don’t you want your wife to do for you? ‘In sickness and health’ does that mean you want to stay in the home even if you are waking her up four times a night because you need bathroom assistance? (When my mother had mobility issues, that destroyed me within three nights of not getting enough sleep - I couldn’t get back to sleep after the second time).

If it came to the point where you needed a care facility, do you expect your wife to visit you every free moment she has, just daily, a couple of times a week, once a week?

My mother was in care during Covid. It cost me $50 a week to get a 5-10 minute window visit. A pizza for her and a pizza for the staff and a CNA would get her belted up and stand with her at the second story window. She got cranky when I had weeks where money was a smidge tight.

I had the same concerns since I have been taking (in home care) of my mother. It's like watching your own future and it was seriously depressing. But then, this is what I have discovered. Contributing factors! She was never the same after open heart surgery. (lack of oxygen to the brain). Most of her Prescription meds side effects causes dementia or alz. She also turned down med. procedure for vascular clog years ago which also stops enough blood flow to the brain. The brain needs daily healthy blood flow to keep the brain cells from dying. So, I admit after putting 2 and 2 together, I paid a visit to her Doctor. I really B*****d her out for putting her on theses meds and not having certain procedures. She felt the side effects outweighed the cause. Most of the symptom's most seniors get like high blood pressures, diabetes, cholesterol, can be corrected by eating a healthy a diet, water, and exercise. No joke. Beware of Big Pharma. not the answer. I am 67. I take thyroid med. but trying to find better alternative. I do Vitamins: Balance of Nature, D3, and ginko, that's it. Thankfully I stopped antibiotics and vaccines 15 yrs. ago. Had bad reaction to the 3 in one Vac. Never had a flu shot. Once in a blue moon do I get the flu ever. Rather let my immune systems do its job. Nor will I have any surgery if it should be needed. I realize my method is not for everyone, but I am doing hell a lot better than anyone I know my age. As a caregiver, we do everything. Gardening, cooking, cleaning, med. visits, bills, etc. and thank God I can still do it all. I will go out as God intended. Just saying. PS I told my kids if needed to put me in care facilities in stead home care. I love them and want the best for them.

There are thousands or millions of articles available on how one can take care of themselves - on the internet, discussing with your primary MD, magazines, health journals . . . Basic is dealing with stressors, eating healthy, exercise, getting enough sleep.

Read this, PRINT OUT. I just googled and found:

"... you can help reduce your risk of dementia by:

eating a healthy, balanced diet.
maintaining a healthy weight.
exercising regularly.
keeping alcohol within recommended limits.
stopping smoking.
keeping your blood pressure at a healthy level."
and

How can you train your brain to prevent dementia?

Learn something new, such as a second language or a musical instrument.
Play board games with your kids or grandkids. ... 
Work on crossword, number, or other kinds of puzzles.
Play online memory games or video games.
Read, write, or sign up for local adult education classes.
and

What Can You Do?

Although there is no effective treatment or proven prevention for Alzheimer’s and related dementias, in general, leading a healthy lifestyle may help address risk factors that have been associated with these diseases.
- Control high blood pressure. High blood pressure, or hypertension, has harmful effects on the heart, blood vessels + brain, and increases the risk of stroke and vascular dementia. Treating high blood pressure w medication and healthy lifestyle changes, such as exercising and quitting smoking, may help reduce the risk of dementia.
- Manage blood sugar. Higher than normal levels of blood sugar, or glucose, can lead to diabetes and may increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, cognitive impairment, and dementia. Making healthy food choices, getting regular exercise, stopping smoking, and checking glucose levels can help manage blood sugar.
- Maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight or obese increases the risk for related health problems such as diabetes and heart disease. Being active and choosing healthy foods can help maintain a healthy weight.
- Eat a healthy diet. Aim for a mix of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, lean meats and seafood, unsaturated fats such as olive oil, low-fat or nonfat dairy products, and limit other fats and sugars.
- Keep physically active. Physical activity has many health benefits, such as helping to prevent being overweight and having obesity, heart disease, stroke, and high blood pressure. Aim to get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week. 
- Stay mentally active. Lots of activities can help keep your mind active, including reading, playing board games, crafting or taking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, working or volunteering, and socializing.
- Stay connected with family and friends. Connecting with people and engaging in social activities can prevent social isolation and loneliness, which are linked to higher risks for cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s disease.
-Treat hearing problems. Hearing loss may affect cognition and dementia risk in older adults and can make it more difficult to interact with others. Protect your ears from loud sounds to help prevent hearing loss and use hearing aids if needed.
- care of your mental + physical health. Get recommended health screenings, managing chronic health issues such asdepression or high cholesterol, and regularly checking in with your health care provider.
- Sleep well. Sleeping well is important for both your mind and body. Try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Talk with your doctor if you are not getting enough sleep, sleeping poorly, or think you may have a sleep disorder.
- Prevent head injury. Take steps to prevent falls and head injury, such as fall-proofing your home and wearing shoes with nonskid soles that fully support your feet. Participate in fall prevention programs online or in your area. Also, wear seatbelts and helmets to help protect you from concussions and other brain injuries.
-Drink less alcohol. Drinking too much alcohol can lead to falls.

Gena/Touch

P.S. from Gena / Touch Matters

What’s Next With Dementia Prevention Research?

More research is needed to find ways to help prevent Alzheimer’s and related dementias. Future research may determine that specific interventions are needed to prevent or delay the disease in some people, but others may need a combination of treatments based on their individual risk factors. Understanding risk factors and choices you can make now is important for both your present and future health. In addition to this website, consider the resources listed below to learn more.

You can also help researchers learn more about preventing dementia by participating in clinical trials and studies.

Search the Alzheimers.gov Clinical Trials Finder to find studies that need volunteers.

I wish I had a magic wand to help you remain as you are for the next 30 years. Of course, I do not. You will get old or you will die. Not great options.

Of course, you can work for better outcomes. Be active, exercise, follow your doctors' advice. Also be sure that you make investments to prepare for your own care when you get older. You might want to think about things you can do to prevent your wife from becoming your caregiver, too. Be honest about your abilities and disabilities as they develop and accept outside help when you need it.

A bit of hope: my grandmother was 20 years younger than my grandfather. Both remained in their home until they died. Although Grandma did do some caring for Grandpa, most of his intimate needs were cared for by visiting nurses, as were Grandma's when she got older. Both lived into their '90's and enjoyed their lives by constantly hiring more to be done by others. They always lived frugally so they were able to pay for yard care, a housekeeper, and the visiting nurses as these things were needed. They kept and remained in their house on the Mississippi and enjoyed watching the boats on the river. It can work.

I am in my 70's and still do all my own yard work and housework. I do Sudokus and word games every day and walk 30 minutes every day in addition to housework and gardening. I talk with my extended family and/or friends every day. I can't do everything I used to do, but I can still do a lot. I am clearing a section on the steep side of the second lot of the two that our house sits on, including felling small trees and digging out blackberry bushes and ivy roots as big as my arm. I intend to build a hobbit house in the side of the butte. I will haul the cement blocks myself and carry them down the steep slope myself. You might do even better if you exercise more than I did at 50. Good luck. Better yet, make your own good luck! I think that you do have it in you.

Lots of answers re: what to eat, what vitamins to take, what drugs to avoid, how and how much to exercise, what hazards to avoid. But remember old age and/or death come to us all.

I'm 80. I no longer listen to much of this. Most of this advice comes from young people parroting what they read in popular magazines or from self-styled "experts". Having worked in a health profession for many years and observed many people, my only medical advice would be: CONTROL your blood pressure and/or your blood sugar if a doctor advises. Try to avoid falls or accidents. Most other health advice is secondary. Don't obsess about your health.
Develop the ability to find the humor in everyday situations. There are many when we look around (maybe you can even laugh at yourself, sometimes)

Cultivate the activities you enjoy. Try some new ones that are not physically demanding. You will have time to share more with your wife. Take advantage of it. Keep in touch with old friends and make NEW friends whenever and wherever you have the chance. ISOLATION is the the most debilitating feature of old age, but don't count on family to provide all your care if there are options.

Keep an eye on community resources, senior living options, even care facilities, their costs and requirements. These may change frequently, but planning ahead is wise. Consult an elder care attorney, have him/her help write a will, (even if you are only middle aged, it can be changed later). Make wise investments that can produce cash even on the short term if needed.

Old age is something we can't live through. But we can make the last years some of the best in spite of it all!

Things my parents did wrong that I will not be doing:

*Not taking care of the little problems while they're still little
Solution: If you have a bad knee (hip, shoulder, etc) - get to the doctor and get it resolved NOW. Do not let your mobility deteriorate - we need to use our bodies and stay active or we lose strength and our worlds get smaller and smaller. First line of action is often PT - go to it, do your exercises at home and keep up with them once you are discharged from PT. Otherwise you slip backwards in a fairly short amount of time.

*Not maintaining a reasonable weight - both parents got very overweight which very negatively impacted their lives - increased their pain and reduced their mobility

*Not being proactive about their health - going to your doctor every now and then and taking pharmaceuticals will NOT give you the good health you wish for

I very rarely (like not in the last 10+ years) get a prescription for ANYTHING from my doctor. I look for natural remedies (supplements, foods, etc.) that will help any issues I have.

Keep physically active. Walk. Strength train. PT for any issues. Stretch.

Supplements - got on some whole food good quality things like vitamin D3, anti-inflammatories like krill oil and turmeric.

Lose weight if you're overweight.

Stay away from meds as much as possible. The side effects aren't worth it. Don't go on statins.

Eat whole foods. Not processed crap out of a box. Eat healthy fats - coconut oil, avocado, nuts. Not vegetable oil. Full fat dairy - like whole milk organic yogurt for example.

Take probiotics.

Keep up with your young wife. She will not want to be married to an old man while she is still young and healthy. Well, I can't really say that, maybe she won't mind. But I would.