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I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I'm in a similar situation with my Mother. I'm local and drive to her house 1-2 twice a week to fill her pill boxes, luckily my Dad is still living and takes care of making meals, drives, etc.

My mother has been very nasty to me whenever I'm at the house. Not that she has said to me she does not want me to be her care giver, but it is obvious how she feels about me. My brother however can do no wrong in her eyes and her choice whenever a decision needs to be made.

When certain concerns arise with my Mother I have found that my brother needs to at least call her and talk to her. Sometimes he gets through to her, sometimes my Mom is made up and that's that. I have found him to be able to calm her with his calls, so when I'm at the house I deal with a lot less verbal abuse.

I'm not sure where your sister lives in relation to you and your Mom. But she is your sister's Mom too, she needs to be involved! If you can, talk to your sister about how your Mom treats you, and that you need her help. If your sister works, she should at least come for a few hours on her days off. If she's not local, then she needs to make regular phone calls to her Mom.

Can another local family member or close family friend come for a few hours week to week to give you a break? You need to take one so you can be stronger when she lashes out at you. Afterwards, remember, she is not herself, she does not mean what she is saying to you. It is easier said then done, I know, I deal with this to. Sometimes I just need a good cry, then move on.

Hope this gives you some help.
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It's clear that you are a great person and are doing the best that you can, given your circumstance, but as many others have said, it seems to be the time to cede your primary caregiving responsibilities.

For dealing with depression, everyone's circumstance is different but some things that generally work for me are (1) forging meaningful relationships and nurturing those that already exist (2) learning to appreciate the things that are going well, and (3) doing work that I find meaningful, even if you're not being paid to do so.

Take care of yourself
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Talley, in your reply to me I have 1 comment.
IF you were not a relative, daughter, it would NOT be LEGAL for you to work 24/7/365 for JUST room and board.
Legally you would need at least 8 hours off per day and you would usually work a 4 or 5 day time period.
This may be screwing up your Social Security benefits for your future. This is 4 years of undocumented work with no added SSI quarters. (I am not sure if it matters since you are on Disability though. But the info is for others that might be in the same position)
The big questions is
Is it good, healthy for you to be caring for your mom? I think you know the answer to that.
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I have a friend who's step father died last week. Her mother is in the early stages of dementia, and has an attitude like your mother toward her, she is never good enough, she never does anything right, she's too fat etc..

She told me her mother was moving with her so she could take care of her. I told her that she needed to set some strong rules for "mom" and have them posted where "mom" can easily see them.

On top of that I told her that when "mom" starts telling her that she doesn't do the care giving right, or that one of her brothers her sisters would be better at the job , then she needed to tell "mom" to call which ever brother or sister she wanted and see how fast they would come to her rescue.

My friend reminds "mom" every morning of the rules as posted. Also she asks her if she needs to call one of her other children to come and get her. So far "mom' has been satisfied.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2021
If posting it works and saying there's the phone also works, go for it!

Obviously most with dementia don't remember what we say or do, but if you can put up posters in multiple places, keep the wording brief and point to it as a reminder, maybe it would work!

You gave your friend some good advice, and so far it has been working!
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Unfortunately care for a LO often falls on just one child. I imagine we all feel 2" tall from time to time from failing to meet what we see as our LO's needs. YOU are not 2" tall. You have stepped up to the plate and doing the best you can. Yes your sister works full time, but there is no reason she can't give you support and be thankful that you are there for her.

You didn't say what your sister did for the retirement home. I assume she is not an administrator or nursing assistant/cma/cna or she'd be able to take on some of the decision making that needs to be done.

What does her doctor have to say about the living situation? Along with the other good advice previously given, check with your county or state for a department of aging, they may also be able to assist you with services.

Your father had no business asking for you to promise. Yes respecting your parents is a wonderful thing. Your father could not foresee what would happen in the future. My mom's sister took care of her MIL, but her MIL was a wise woman and told my aunt that when the time came and she became a burden to place her in a facility and not to feel guilty about it. That is the advise I give you. Putting your mother in a facility is NOT abandoning her - it is doing the best thing for her where she can receive the care she needs.

Don't let putting her into a facility destroy you; yes it will be hard and you may grieve, but you should also feel a burden lift. Take that time to do things for yourself, pamper yourself. You aren't abandoning her because you can still visit her and if the visit doesn't go well, tell your mom, well it time for me to go home, I'll see you tomorrow, next week or what time frame you plan to next visit her.

I'm lucky, my parents went to independent living then AL when my father kept falling, (dad was the harder one to care for). He hated to be helped, hated rehab, hated volunteering to give up driving. Living with my father would have driven me to be committed and my mother to be committed living with my husband. I didn't abandon them. I pay their bills. Before dad died and mom was locked down due to covid, I went with them to their dr. appts; we went out to eat, shopping and other things.

Finally, YOU are not 2" tall, you are 10 feet tall and you should take pride(and I don't mean the kind of pride that cometh before a fall) in what you have done - no matter what you mother says. Remember she has dementia and her decision making skill are greatly diminished. Good Luck, and may God bless you with peace and comfort.
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I would politely inform her that if you are not good enough, bye bye.

Do not try to please a narcissist. They will only destroy you.

I learned that the hard way.

Now, I inform mom that I serve Jesus and am not your slave. If you do not agree with that and I will be gone in an hour ( I travel light ). She shuts up.

Perhaps your church can help with giving you a break from her by visiting with her or offer you a place to stay.

Why not contact Focus on the Family and explain it to them. I am sure they can help you.

You are in my morning prayers.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2021
Not exactly easy to do that when the person has dementia. Just old and needy, maybe, but this would require ensuring an alternate plan was in place before just saying buh-bye and walking away.
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Many comments of support and suggestions.

My first comment is to say that your mother's words, whether before or after dementia set in, DO NOT define you. It is difficult sometimes, after many years of listening to it, having it drilled into you that you are less than others expect, to not believe it is true. Just the fact that you've been able to provide her care, mostly unaided, for FOUR years says that isn't who you are. You've taken care of her, despite her negativity. You've provided a safe and caring environment for her. You've managed to do this with NO positive feedback from her and little, if any, from your sister.

THOSE are MAJOR accomplishments!!!

While I didn't physically provide the care for my mother, I was the local non-working (laid off just around when dementia was taking hold, took early SS) sibling, so while I wasn't directed to do what needed to be done, I was the only one who stepped up. I took a lot of crap from both brothers. THEY had big ideas of taking her in when they first heard the cost of MC. That never made it any further. I got very little help from either of them. I couldn't count on them for anything, not even to visit mom. They couldn't visit, but thought about taking her in? HAHAHAHA!

I was angry that they were not contributing much help, or even moral support, but finally worked my way past that. The anger only hurts me, not them. Since then, I'd managed 99.9% of whatever needed to be done myself. Despite one also being POA and all 3 of us trustees, neither asked any questions or offered to do anything (could have been worse, some siblings butt in, accuse, or worse!) Had to manage and prep for sale the condo, medications, appointments, finances, taxes, budgeting, etc. The condo sucked down over 2.5 years of my life. Couple of weeks for one, almost nothing for the other brother.

The saddest part was having mom ask if I'd seen or heard from them. I could only say not recently. The last time OB was in the area, his first visit was with me, and her reaction said a lot! I sent him there before we tackled the condo another day, take her coffee, donuts, visit. When I suggested another visit during afternoon downtime, he refused to go, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." Just BE there! She adored him and was SO happy to see him. What a jerk. I can only hope the lack of visits by them will haunt them, sooner rather than later.

"I will never be able to "fix" her, only make her as happy as she can be, given the circumstances. I only need to do my best one day at a time."

This is important and you've recognized it. You can't make someone else happy, only try to reduce what makes them unhappy. Happiness (and self-acceptance) comes from within ourselves. You ARE doing your best and whether or not mom or your sister recognize it, it is important that YOU continue to believe it!

"She is very tired when she gets home from work. I, apparently, am not."

I'm sure that was written tongue-in-cheek, but if not, I will borrow Countrymouse's word: Rubbish! A full day at work most of the time isn't as tiring as an hour with someone who has dementia! Even if she is tired after a day of work, your day is longer and may not end at all, if mom doesn't have regular sleep patterns. She also has time off from work - many hours/day after work, weekends, holidays, vacations, etc. SAD excuse.

"She does allow me a couple of weeks of vacation a year..."

How generous of her. Does she think her handling of the finances outweighs what you do? She gets paid for her "hard" day at work, you are supposed to accept free room and board. I'm sure HER pay covers more than just room and board. Yes, it could be worse, if she chose not to allow any time off, but still.

More to come, just wanted to help bolster your self-esteem! You are NOT 2" tall, you are 20' tall! Hold your head high, for doing what you do!
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I begin by sking u a few questions. 1. Why isn" your sister taking care of her? Either she does not want to or simply cannot afford it? I ask my patients , If I gave your sister 1 billion $$$$$$ would she find a way to take care of her mom? 2. What issues do you feel that you cannot handle? N why not? 3. Why did your mother want your sister over you? What does your monther's doctor say is best for her? 4. Are their other people your mother knows & listens to> pastor, church members, friends, sisters, brothers, 5. Is your father alive?If yes where does he live & how is his health? 6. What is your job, training, career, family situation married, divorces. how old are you, do u have children, if yes how old, if older can they help. do they have money to contribute, what assets does your mother have, does she have an attorney, and more!!!!!!!! May God be with you! God Bless & look over you!
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I was my mother's primary caregiver until she moved to a memory care facility. I was then still very actively involved in her care. These are my suggestions from my experience alone, everyone is different. What saved my sanity was a caregiver's support group. If you can find one in your area (most are remote now) I can't recommend it enough. You connect with people going through the same thing. It's a place to vent and to get suggestions that have worked for other caregivers. Regarding your mother's hurtful comments, I've been there. As much as they hurt do NOT take them personally. Some of it is dementia-related. I choose to tell myself that most of my mother's meanness was a result of dementia (probably not, but hey it's easier if you think it isn't her fault). Find whatever help you can, even if it's for a short break. Many senior centers offer a "daycare" for Alzheimer/dementia patients. It'll give you a few hours to take care of yourself. Wishing you the best.
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Our preferences aren't always the correct plan, it is my belief that our paths are divinely mapped. so, just because she wanted sis, that means nothing in Realville.
I'll just say - I've been an in-home caregiver for six years now.... the LAST thing I ever envisioned myself doing. and it turns out, I'm pretty good at it, who knew? That's not to say there haven't been evenings I drove home in tears over utter frustration from a day of beat-downs.. I can be very challenging at times! Just stay strong, dig deep to rise above those times of feeling unappreciated. You are a blessing. And also, there is a reason that you are there, doing the hard work. I admire you!
p.s. you'll know when the time is right to change things up, and at that time, just trust that it will all fall into place.
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Talley: On many occasions, my mother said "I'll pack your bags to go home right now." Me - "Oh, really? Then who is going to take care of you?" I had to leave my home and state and move in with my mother 7 states away from my own.

Moral of the story is that oftentimes the deciding factor of who will care for their aging LO often does not make sense at all. Prayers sent.
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As one who is going thru another “disaster” with my mother right now, if you can get out of your situation do it now! I moved in with her after my father passed away over 7 years ago. She was 88 at the time In the beginning the battles were not much of a big deal. She wants her way no matter the problem or consequences. Well over the last year the dementia has gotten somewhat worse. She has no reasoning skills at all now. She can’t keep dialogue straight and flips to many subjects during a conversation. Very hard at times to actually understand what she is talking about. She thinks she can do everything she did 20 yrs ago. When in fact she can not complete any task but fix herself a bowl of canned soup, that I have to open for her, or a cold sandwich She has had 1 knee replacement . Both knees are a mess. She can hardly walk. Has fell several times. Nothing is her fault, TV remote hates her, microwave hates her, the telephone is broke, everything is a problem. The list goes on. And on. And on. I have been accused of stealing her money, she has none. Stealing her “things”.
I took her bathroom door off the hinges 3 nights ago so that she could get her walker into her bathroom, as she fell again. Yesterday she told me she was going to call the police on me and tell them I was keeping her prisoner in her bed if I didn’t put her door back on. I told her to go ahead and call, that the door was not going back on. She has trouble dialing any number so I wasn’t very worried. Surprise Surprise. She dialed “0” and the operator called the fire department!!! Here they come 7pm, down the street. Lights and sirens!! When they got thru talking to her, then telling me not to call (I DIDN’T) them any more for our disagreements, they left and she was mad all over again saying “a lot of good that did”.
My mother was the kindest, most loving caring person, until she started going downhill.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am here 24/7/365. And have been all this time. Maybe 2 weeks off total time, a day here and there, since I moved in. I do all doctor appts, shopping, cooking. My 1 sister comes in for about 3 hours once a week. She works full time and is busy with her family, grandkids. My other sister comes in once a week, once in a while stays overnight then leaves the next afternoon . Brother lives 1200 miles away. So yes, it is ALL on me. It was my choice all those years ago, after all she did for us kids it was the right choice. At that time! She keeps telling me she wants to live to be100!!!! At that time I will be 75, IF I’m still here. It DOES take a toll on you.
Think long and hard about your choice, if you have one. It WILL be the hardest thing you do. Just consider all things. You literally will have no life of your own.
Do not expect others to help, they won’t.
Expect the worst everyday, and if it is a good day, you win!
Expect to be overwhelmed every day.
I wish you luck and peace of mind in your decision.
Turn to this site for support and a way to blow off steam. They have been a lifesaver!!
And by the way she has told me several times to pack my stuff and get out 😁
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If you’re not the one, according to her, move on and don’t suffer under her. She’ll do just fine.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2021
Whether she says so or not is irrelevant. The mother has dementia, so recommending one take the words as gospel and move out, leaving her to her own devices is inviting charges of neglect.

Move out, if possible, BUT make sure other arrangements are in place first.
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Don't let her do this to you.
Instead of putting you down years ago, telling you she wanted your sister to look after her, she should have organised care for her eventual old age, don't do this to yourself..
Tell her you agree with her and move on. Ask you sister to help you organise a care facility or service, the pills and doctors wont be enough, she'll die and you'll be left in pieces. Your are worth more, and your primary responsibility is to look after yourself.
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My heart is to you.
First understand that your stepping into the role of what the lady needed was a blessing to her. If she is ungrateful, that is a sad statement to her choices.
Do not "own" what she says about you. She is ungrateful and inflexable to allow someone who is not "her" choice. Life is not getting our own way , she is missing out on a relationship with you that could be good.
So please do not hold her rejection. She has a problem and i am so so sorry she has made your days unhappy.
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Moving on to the situation you are in (covered the verbal abuse already.)

Although a facility might not be in mom's future, I will say 2 things: 1) they ARE expensive and 2) even if we choose to use a facility, we can STILL care for our LOs in many ways. It takes the hands-on care. You don't handle the finances, but you CAN still visit, take her out on occasion, watch over her care. Just because LOs live elsewhere doesn't mean we abandon them.

Assumption is your sister has POA over your mother. She's handling the finances, so you wouldn't have any idea what mom's financial status is, unless she divulges it (she doesn't have to do and technically shouldn't.) Not knowing the fiscal standing hampers making or planning any changes. Your sister claims there are no funds to pay you (other than room and board.)

You might know these:
Is the residence you live in a home mom owns or a rental?
Is mom's only income SS or is there a pension?
Did mom have any savings prior to needing care?

IF the residence is a rental, then chances are there aren't funds to cover facility care, and possibly not in-home care.

IF the residence is a house, which mom owns, it could be sold to provide funds for a facility. That, however, could leave you without a place to live (IF she qualified for NH and IF she qualified for Medicaid, they do have rules about allowing disabled care-givers to remain in the home - the attorney can confirm that. Lot of IFs.)

IF mom's only income is SS, she might qualify for Medicaid in-home assistance. This could pay YOU for some of the care you provide OR hire outside help to give you a break. They don't cover a lot of hrs, but anything is better than nothing! Dementia isn't usually enough to qualify one for a NH, and Medicaid, in general, doesn't cover AL or MC, only NH. The care money isn't enough for full time care, but if they can pay YOU, you'd have some income.

IF mom has other income, then she likely won't qualify for Medicaid assistance. If she has/had any savings, that might disqualify her as well.

You mentioned an attorney. If sister is willing to provide income/assets in order to apply for Medicaid assistance/pay for you, mom's income/assets should pay for the attorney. If you have no POA and she isn't willing to work with you and/or the attorney, this will likely go nowhere.

So, if possible, talk with the attorney to see if anything can be done. If she's not willing to work with you, but would work with the attorney, perhaps you can at least get some pay for what you do.

If that doesn't work, you only have a few choices.

1) Continue as is, but work on your self esteem and blocking out the negative things your mother says or does.

2) IF you can afford to live on your own, and get a job, then work on getting those plans in place, meanwhile let you sister know that you'll be moving and she'll have to make plans for your mother.

For #1, with a bit more time, once they vaccinate most people and get the virus under control, you might be able to resume some of the previous activities that you enjoyed together. Given more stimulus, and chances to get out might help improve mom's mood a bit.

For #2, be prepared for backlash from your sister. She might not, but she could hurl some nasty words your way. Don't take them to heart. She has gotten off easy so far. Merely paying mtg/taxes or rent and utilities, groceries, etc, her job is EASY.

My job managing everything was MUCH more complex and was time-consuming. I had to juggle payments for the condo, utils AND the facility, work on clearing, cleaning, getting repairs done in order to sell it, all the paperwork & taxes, make appts and take mom, manage her medications and other supplies, still take care of some of MY needs and finances and ensure I visited enough to be sure her care was the best! Didn't matter if I was "tired", if mom needed me or something, I had to take care of it.

It still doesn't compare to 24/7 care for an aging person with dementia.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2021
My hat is off to those who manage to provide in-home care, no matter what the person's health or behavior is like! If they have to manage everything else as well, let me take my other hat off!!

Even if I could have taken my mother in, it would have hampered getting all the other duties done, esp the condo! She really couldn't do stairs, it was a 3 hour round trip and she would get tired from just going out to lunch! She'd be no help with cleaning or packing. As a matter of fact, it would be a BAD idea to take her there with me, as she didn't want to move in the first place! Nine months after the move to MC, she forgot the condo (she would hound YB about going back during that time.) Her new focus was on either her mother, her previous house or both! Bringing her there several times/week, never mind that it would make the task harder for me, she'd probably refuse to leave!
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Call your sister and tell her to step up and take care of mom. Who has POA? Let your sister know that if anything happens, she needs to take care of getting your mom the help she needs (caregivers, etc) and if that don't work......find a NH and have your mother placed and take care of yourself. You do NOT need the added stress of trying to care for someone who doesn't want your care. I know it hurts, but tell our mother she needs to call her other daughter and have her come to help her out. And then stop answering calls from everyone for awhile. I know that sounds mean, but depression is a serious thing and you don't need this kind of stress. I get some days of little depression where I just want to say "blank it" to everything and let someone else handle things. my brother lives 1/2 hour away and 73 so his duty is to come up for 4 hours a month to see our mother. He only saw our father 2 times in 2019 and that was only because it was on veterans day, etc and I said I wasn't going. I don't know why families think its okay for just one person to have to deal with all the stuff. anyhow...........call your sister, tell her mom wants to see her.......and then start concentrating on you. Wishing you luck.
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I went through this with my parents. Think part of it is that they can't believe that the other daughter doesn't want them so they make them the special one. I just figured they would do the same to my sister had she taken them and I would have been the special one.
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