My mother has taken all the joy out of my life. I have read many articles on this site but there really aren't any answers. Only more questions. I am giving up. My son graduated from high school and she made it miserable. My daughter graduated from college, she goes into crisis and I am robbed of that joy. Now, my daughter is getting married and my mother is once again going into crisis mode. Why? Because it always has to be about her. She has to be the center of attention because she thinks she deserves it. Honestly, I can't live this way anymore with no joy, no relaxation, never unstressed or unworried. I am very close to ending it all. If I didn't have my son to finish putting through college I would kill myself and be done with it. This is what it has come to. My life or hers. And she's winning.
Put Mom back in her box. I assume she is fairly healthy and independent, She is neither going to ruin your daughters big day or send you to an early grave.
concentrate on making yourself a beautiful mother of the bride. you never know who you will meet at the wedding
I have detached/distanced - to an extent and live my life without my mother at the centre where she wants/strives to be. I am 75 and WILL have some peace af the end of my life. We all are entitled to a life or our own.
I will fight to the finish that she doesn't destroy mine.
Please remember that anything and everything you tell her or share with her about your own life and family can and will be used against you. These ones thrive on bad news, drama, telling others' news to people they shouldn't and meddling.It gives them importance.
I am sorry that you have the same kind of parent that I have. When mine dies, I will miss the mother I DIDN'T have, not the one I DID have.
I will pray for you (G-d is our only strength) and wish you better days. But please, take the advice in these postings, you are more important than her, you are entitled to a life of your own, and do your damndest to distance yourself from her. Do NOT point out anything that she does that bothers you because she will do it more just to get under your skin.
I know that G-d created us as human, will all our faults, but I often wonder why he put so many faults into one person!!
First and foremost: PLEASE do not do anything to harm yourself, I have been where you are and it sounds as if you are at the end of your rope as I have been many, many times in this situation -- but you have to see that she wins the more aggravated, stressed and upset you get - it's her way of controlling you.
You don't mention whether you have any siblings that would help you out in her care, but sometimes even that doesn't work because the classic scenario is that there is always only one sibling who does all the caregiving and, of course, is criticized and belittled for it.
What you do will never be enough. It is damned if you do, damned if you don't and also it is do as I say, not as I do. I think it would help you to read the thread "How do I deal with a narcissistic parent (or mother, can't recall which) "
You are never going to beat the sense of entitlement your mother has -- they are far too skilled and manipulative at getting what they want at all costs and they have put themselves on a pedestal all their lives and believe they are above everyone else.
I will just let you know that when my daughter got married, my mother sabotaged our hair appointments (pretended to be "sick" so that we all had to race home and ruin our mother-daughter time together and naturally there was nothing wrong with her), bridal shower (went into a snit when someone told her I was doing a good job looking after her because she looked so well and then when we got home, told everyone she was going to live somewhere else because there was obviously nothing wrong with her since WE didn't see her as being sick) and the wedding (nagging endlessly that the day was too long, she didn't like the dinner, why did she have to sit at the head table with people that don't speak the same language, etc. etc. etc).
You and I must find some semblance of life somehow. This person has also sucked the life out of me (or attempted to extinguish my flame at every turn) and has done so since I was a small child. I honestly believe that she only had children so she could be pampered, waited and taken care of in old age and it continues now. How do I know that? Because she has told my children that she was "forced" to have children, never wanted any and that children are only good for looking after parents in old age in their own homes (the child's) so that the parent can live and be taken care of for free...........!!
What you have to realize is that the minute the spotlight goes onto someone else (at a birthday, graduation etc, as you mentioned) they will drop a bombshell in front of everyone to get it back. It's a sickness and they have mental illness and personality disorder.
Go back through your life and see how she behaved when you were younger. I guarantee that she has had a pattern of this big-time.
*Momsgoto* please do no harm to yourself. Please enjoy this time with your daughter for her event. Enjoy time with friends and family to celebrate. These good things will stay in your heart and they are the most important things. Remind your mom that she is an adult and to behave like one. No more catering to her on ANYTHING. Find a family member, good friend, or a hired caregiver to take on your mom NOW so that you can get those treasured moments you need in the here and now. Don't let her spoil this. Narcissists will suck your mind, body, and soul dry. I think they will outlive us all.
Care more about yourself that your mother.
Care more about your daughter and your son, than you do your mother.
Care more about your husband, your marriage and your house, than you do your mother.
Look, I love my mother but I like sanity more.
Easier said that done, but you CAN do it, I know you can.
xo
-SS
Try this with Mom - "But I thought you did that for me because you loved me, not because you expected me to pay you back." Then duck real fast!
Try to laugh, and to make her laugh, whenever possible.
What useful advice!!! thank you so very much. I guess I just have to get tough with her. It's so hard because she is constantly reminding me of everything she did for me and how she sacrificed for me. And she did. But I didn't know (nor could I have known) that the payback for that would be to forfeit my life and all of my special moments to make her the center of my universe. I am a mom. I don't do this to my daughter or my son. I have my own life. I can't say I don't miss the early years at times, but I know they need to have their own experiences. And yes, I certainly have sacrificed for them but there is no payback expected. That's why it's a sacrifice.
1. "Mom, what are you wearing to the wedding? What about this old one here? If that's not good enough then you need to buy one next Tuesday. That's the last day I can take you shopping. You don't want me to have to go crazy when "daughter" needs me, do you? I know you understand." When she calls, "Mom, you didn't buy a dress. I guess you'll just have to wear that old one. OK, if you can't wear that one, we'll miss you at the wedding."
2. Hire a caregiver with a car to attend her at the wedding. Make sure she is good with Depends and wet wipes. (Make sure she is a tough broad who takes no crap!) "Mom, I'm paying for mary to take care of you at the wedding because I have to give this day to "daughter". This is going to be her only wedding, and I don't want you to be neglected while I'm so busy. That's not OK with you? Sorry, we'll miss you at the wedding."
3. Paying the emotional price: "Mother, of course I love you, but on the wedding day, the bride is more important than the grandmother. I tried to make it possible for you to come, but you chose not to cooperate. I understand that you're upset, but I did what I had to do." Listen to no more than 1 to 5 minutes of ranting, then apologize, kiss her, tell her you love her and leave.
"yes, mother, right now I do love my daughter more than I love you because she needs me more."
"Mother, We are just going to have to disagree about this. Sorry, I have to go now. Love you. Talk to you later."
Reduce your guilt by saying often how much you love her, and how you hope she will choose to do what she has to to be at the wedding.
Easy to say and hard to do, but those are some specific ideas that might be useful.
I have seen my sister, try to appease our Mother. She just would not tell her "No." But, it will effect your health and your mental health. Good luck. Keep informed.
Try to find a way to break away from your mother, if only for awhile and find yourself and the strength to say no more, this is my life and I am going to live it. It is a hard road, but I know it can be done. I have found strength through God and this web-site. I wish for you to find it also.
I can't tell you specifically but she always finds a way. And it may not be on the wedding day. Since the planning began she has been stating her negative opinion on everything from the flowers to the dresses. She always adds, "that's just my opinion, you can do what you want, but........" As a consequence I don't want to tell her anything and as a consequence of that she says she feels like no one includes her and she is lonely. And it's not like I have not tried to explain this chain reaction to her. She just gets angry, denies, resists and continues on.
You ask what she will do? Scenario I: Well she has been taken shopping on at least three occasions to get something to wear. She would not buy anything. I will bet you that a week or so before the wedding, when I have a zillion things to do and want to spend some precious moments with my daughter, she will be calling me in a hysterical rant that she has nothing to wear and i have to take her somewhere. I could say no and pay the emotional price. Or I could take her and even if I do she will not buy anything. She will insist on going out several times before she MAY get something. Hence, taking my time, energy, and joy from a special moment in time for my daughter and I. This is just one scenario that has been played out in my life over, and over, and over again. Scenario II: Sometimes even when we tell her that she needs to wear / take adult undergarments she purposely does not and soils herself so that you have to leave the event and take her home. I have even gone to the extreme of taking undergarments in my purse but she still insists on going home and changing. Once, I checked to make sure she was wearing them before we left the house. When she had the accident, I asked where the undergarments were and she said she took them off because they were uncomfortable!!! REALLY, more uncomfortable than pooping yourself?!!!! I guess not for HER. Just for everyone around her. Lesson: You can't make an adult wear undergarments.
And those are just two of the ways that she could do it. She has many clever ideas in her arsenal. It's just that by the time you get to the event, occasion, or activity (no matter how trivial or monumental) you are so exhausted and emotionally drained by her antics that you cannot enjoy it. You just feel like you survived it. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm either going to stop surviving or start living. Right now, I live on the fence. Some days teetering this way, some days the other.
You are right. My mom and dad did not raise me in a pretty time. They always seemed to be struggling and my dad worked three jobs sometimes. My mom suffered loss in her early life as did my dad. I don't claim that my mom's life was a bed of roses. But who among us can claim that they have had no pain? Sure, it was a difficult time, but my father lived and struggled in that same time and he did not do to others what my mom is doing. He too was a victim of my mother's abuse and selfishness. But even as I type those words I want everyone to know that I love my mother and I remember all the good, kind, and yes unselfish things she did for me. But that is no more. And there was always a line that she didn't go past. That was her comfort zone, And she never, ever left it. Not for my father, not for my sisters and not for me. No matter what we needed, wanted or deserved, if she had to leave her comfort zone, we did without. Fear is what drove my mothers life. And now with decisions based on fear she must reside in a life that is empty and sad. I tried for years to calm those fears. I worked hard to help her over the anxiety and depression. I have given her time that I didn't have or that I stole from my children. Every person's circumstance is unique to them and one that they fashion themselves. I don't think I owe my mother any more. I respect her, I love her and I help her the best I can. But to give credence to her behavior because she lived in struggling times is a lame excuse. To paraphrase J.R.R. Tolkien, "No one choses the time they are born in, all we have to decide is what to do with the time we have."
I agree with several of the other posters here, if it's possible, limit the time you spend around her. If she needs help, tell her to hire a caregiver or a handyman. Don't let her guilt trip you over it either! She raised you, yes. That does not mean you have to make yourself sick or sad attempting to "repay" the favor. If your sister doesn't know the situation, ring her up and explain it to her. I'm sure she'll understand, and may be able to step up and handle more of it, whether your mom wants her to or not.
It will be difficult. Your mother doesn't see you as a grown woman with a job and a family, she may see you as "her little girl" that should do what she's told, or she may see you as "uncaring". Neither is true, and don't let her make you believe it! You HAVE to learn to step away from it. It can be tough, but for your sake, and the sakes of your kids, and husband, you can do it!
*hugs*!
And also carve out some time for YOU. Get out with friends, go to a movie, take a walk, get your nails done, anything where you can spend some time that is away from the daily stress you're facing and where you can just enjoy yourself. Just "getting away mentally" for an hour can make a world of difference.
Can you also get some outside support from your church or aging care facilities in your community to get some support for your mom? Just tell her that's the way it is and stick to your guns. Don't let your mom's self-centeredness ruin your world. Whatever the reasons for her behavior, you need to work on protecting yourself and your family. You owe them (and yourself) a lot more than you owe her.
Sending you caring thoughts.
I hope that you and she can come to a compromise. Keeping families together is good, but one person can't do it all.