I don't even know what the question is. I know the problem is I don't have even a semblance of a life anymore.

I think "Momsgoto" should change his/her name to "Momsgotogo" !!!

This is a really great thread! Thank you all for your honesty and suggestions :o)

Momsgoto. Above all do not harm yourself you have too many people who care about you to take that route. If you feel in danger of that call a crisis hot line.
Put Mom back in her box. I assume she is fairly healthy and independent, She is neither going to ruin your daughters big day or send you to an early grave.
concentrate on making yourself a beautiful mother of the bride. you never know who you will meet at the wedding

We all need to move in to those tiny tiny houses, that are like cabooses. Then, people would get the picture, that we aren't running a bed and breakfast.

Great advice, Veronica!! You go girl!!! Momgoto, we are so there for you!

-SS

I like you have no answer and have not found answers on here. However, they do give good insights and I have learned that I am not the only one with these problems.
I am 54yo widowed woman. short story: My mom has stole the joy and zeal out of my life too. I got on here tonight after being off for a long time to see if anyone has commented on my situation. I found yours.
Instead of ending my life, I just need to decide to stand up for me and mine from now on. My mom ruined my childhood, teenage years, school years, social life, all my relationships. I have let guilt "because she is my mother" run my life into a hole. As of today, I promise you all will see the permanent changes for me will happen.
Back to you, do you have your health? If so, believe me with the stress and anxieties you have described, your health will go down hill fast! Mine has and now I can't get it back. CHANGE IT NOW! For you and your family. You don't want your children to have to take care of you because you didn't take care of yourself (no matter what reason do you)?
Think about the comments that have been made and see that there is life after all. Just grab it. I am gonna. Lots of everything good to you.
I

Dear Momsgoto: Everyone here can see that you are your wits end, and we are worried about you. We would like to know if you are OK and if any of the excellent advice of this group has helped you in any way. I hope it helps to see that many of us are or have been in your shoes dealing with inherently immature and narcissistic parents. It's an emotionally draining situation for those that have to manage it. But that is the lesson here - learning how to manage them because in their sick minds the only way they can manage to keep everyone's focus on them is to create the crises you mentioned. Your children are clearly vitally important to you and your happiness, and that is what keeps you strong. The best thing you can do is stand up to her like the adult you are, and manage her like child she is in her self-centered mind. You have to look at the whole situation from that perspective. It's like training a puppy or raising a baby, except she will never develop an adult mind or adult behavior. So, as Jinx4740 said leave her home if she is not ready for the wedding, and/or will not accept a hired aide to look after her at the wedding. It is really hard to develop a tough skin when you love someone despite their miserable treatment of you, but it is the only way you can get through this and come out stronger. My own mother is not truly narcissistic, but as her dementia progresses, she is exhibiting a lot of that same behavior. Sometimes it seems like she delibedrately goes out of her way to make me feel bad, and I used to cry and tell myself she can't help herself because she isn't herself, but it doesn't hurt any less. The hurt does not go away, but I have developed a thicker skin by emotionally detaching myself from her negative behavior. You can play her manipulative game too. Start planning now how you will prevent her from showing any negativity at your daughters wedding. The best way is to leave her home if she does anything to sabotage your plans. You have enough to do without catering to her. Let her wear whatever she wants, even if its a housedress! Get a family member, preferably a man, to sit at her table and run interference for you (like a bouncer of sorts). He can be deliberately attentive to her, which she will soak up like a sponge, but the minute she starts to act up, that person can distract her and take her out of the room. Sometimes the voice of reason is best heard from someone other than the one who is emotionally close to her, like yourself. You sound like a very smart lady, so plan your strategy to manage your mother, so you can devote your main attention to your daughter. As you said, there is so much joy ahead of you as your son and daughter advance into adulthood with jobs, marriages and families of their own, and you do not have to let her rob you of that. Your children want you to be there to share in their joy as well. By all means do not feel that you cannot seek professional guidance to help you deal with this situation. Pray every morning and every night that God will give you the strength to be emotionally strong, to guide you and help keep a clear and rational head. I can vouch from experience that this really works. HE is the best counselor I have ever found. Everyone here is supporting you too, and that is a great start. My prayers are with you too. Everyone here will offer their support and suggestions for whatever challenges come up along the way.

To all our self-centered elders I think we need to forgive. It's the wonderful gift we give ourselves that unsets all those emotional buttons they keep pushing. I find consciously telling myself "this is her problem, don't make it yours" helps. One description of love is that it is patient and kind. They aren't. So their proclamations of love are only self promoting to achieve their own way. But it's their problem. Do what you have to do to care for her. But learn to love life! Their fear has kept them isolated and miserable. But it doesn't have to make your life that way. If you have trouble accomplishing this on your own, seek help. You do not have to end your life to end the emotional pain.

Momsgoto, I'd be interested to hear what the relationship was between your mother and HER mother. Sometimes, that's very revealing as to what makes a person tick.

I haven't read all responses or follow-ups (running late this morning!) But just going by your original post, it sounds like you are giving your mother too much power over your life. I*G*N*O*R*E her "crises" and enjoy the milestones in your life - most importantly, HAVE FUN at your daughter's wedding WITHOUT GUILT!!

Skinonna -
I love what you said - forgive them to make YOURSELF happier.

You need to stiffen your back bone and tell Mother she will not be attending the wedding. Don't tell her when or where it is or she will show up and ruin the day. Don't let your Mother make your lives miserable. It isn't fair to you or your kids. It is time to tell her to grow up. The world does not revolve around her. I know, I am caring for a 97 year old who is a spoiled brat sometimes.

I'm gonna jump on seven13's bandwagon. It's one of the simplest steps you can take. Change your Sign-in Name. I actually did this in real life. I detest my first name, and tried changing to my middle name, then some nickname .. nothing stuck until I started doing stuff online and had to come up with a login name. And it suddenly stuck. If people would call me by my given name, I'd gently remind them .. eventually I learned to filter out the original name, and didn't respond to it. I had this amazing sense of self-control, and there was such a difference in the way people treated me, when meeting me. I'm sure it was MY baggage that changed .. and that's the point, I think. You surely need a stepping stone for change. Help paint yourself in a different image.

You can have a life. If she is living with you find alternate living arrangements. If not, limit your contact with her and never take her into your home. My mother is not even half as bad, but she is an emotional vampire and I would never consider taking her into my home. I cannot even fathom taking care of a person who has no respect or consideration for me. Give yourself a break and take back your life.

"emotional vampire"....heehee....I like that!

Emotional vampire! When did we start talking about my mother?

also known as an "energy vampire" - they suck the life out of you

Some great advice here. Please do whatever it takes to help you and your daughter and the rest of the family wind up with nothing but cherished and joyful memories of your daughters wedding! And please come back and share how things went. I have a mother similar to yours only mine has multiple health problems which just exacerbates everything to the point that right now she may run to her sisters because we dared to ask her to try to not do a few very troublesome things that there really is no excuse for. This thread has brought a question to mind. My youngest brother is a narcissist and my mom is very aware of this fact, and her and I have even discussed this many times over the years. So can a narcissist be aware that someone else is a narcissist? Or maybe some are worse than others. My brother has no empathy and has caused a lot of pain to a lot of people in our family. I see some bad traits in my mom, she is very manipulative and will lie at the drop of a hat if it will get her whatever it is she is wanting at the time. She will go to extremes to make sure she is the center of attention. I know she has a personality disorder, but I do see signs of narcissism in her too. She has no clue about how difficult and draining it is to care for her.

Does your mother have dementia? I'm only asking because that is exactly how my mother was at home with me. We placed her recently into a nursing home because she has one thing or another that requires hospital emergency visits , doctor visits, it became overwhelming and she was never happy at home. Always complaining, nagging, starting fights. There were times I would run out the door on the weekends to get away from her just for a few minutes. It always was about her. One night my brother calls me and tells me a man came to his door looking for my 16 yr old son. (we used to roomate with my brother) he was on the warpath that his kid and my son were smoking weed together and he was hell bent to call the cops , find the dealer,, ect.. I was so upset about it and trying to call the guy and my mother stood in the living room ranting and raving about her heart medicine that she had already taken I couldn't take it anymore. I was not allowed one hour to try and deal with the issue with my son. I had to take the next day off work I was so upset. I realized that my teenage son's life was just beginning. She is on her way out.. As hard as it was I took her case managers advice and placed her.. Everytime I go she starts up, why did I dump her there, always something about her. She will never realize what I went through to keep her home and when it became an issue of her health I am to blame. Now she wants her valuable braclets she cannot have there and theres more drama. Just like your mother she wasn't a great mother,, she took care of our physical needs but emotionally we were alone, my sister ran away from home at age 16 because she couldn't stand her. She never did anything she didn't want to do. My sister won a very special award in elementary school number one in the state, my mother would not take her to pick it up.. My younger brother went to his high school graduation alone. And I can remember her dragging us to bingo on school nights and making us sit on a couch in the elks club until eleven pm on a school night.. Very selfish woman. My dad was my only parent when he was home. He worked out of town alot, probably to get away from her.. Sorry this is so long,, you are not alone,, I know how you are feeling.. Suicide a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. Your mother needs to be in a home... If she is unsafe living alone,, get the state involved.. And just like my son deserves to have his mother,, so do your children. I wish you the best during this difficult time..

Dear Momstogo - the last time I heard from you what is June 10th, a little over two months ago. Could you please give us an update, let us know how you're doing, when's the wedding, anything to let us know you're OK???

I put your name wrong didn't I?

Moms Go To, and as someone already suggested

You might want to change it to Moms Got To Go ! !

Most of us have been raised to worship our mothers whether they are a real "work of art" or not. But euthanizing yourself isn't the answer. Besides, with you out of the picture she'll move on to your kids -- or anything else in your house that still has a pulse.

Restore the natural pecking order of your home by taking her down from the pedestal you put her on. If she tries to lay yet another guilt trip with the ubiquitous "I'm your mother," remind her that title doesn't come with spotlight nor a license to do whatever she wants. If she threatens to move out (another guilt trip), make the suitcases readily available and help her pack. Let her know you mean business.

She's not going anywhere. My mother is the only woman I know that has wore out a set of luggage and never even left the house.. LOL They don't realize they are threatening you with a good time. :)

So when's the wedding? If it did take place already did Mom behave?

Yes mom used to have a crisis often, but we finally told her if she is in agony to call 911. Twice they hauled her away, we did NOT go to the ER and lo and behold she recovered within 24 hours. Do NOT take her to the wedding, she will make every effort to control it. You cannot reason or bargain with dementia, you can only refuse to play her game.

Oh my God. After 48 years I have the name. I have this freaking problem solved. THIS was my mother, every nasty inch of it. I say 'was' because now when she's really, really bad off, and her memory is so far gone, she always acts happy to see me, and she actually smiles at me, and in a way seems relieved... *sigh*

I have beaten the hate and rage I felt towards my mom all these years, here at the end, and thank God for it. I hated MYSELF for so many years because of my mom, in fact, hated myself all my life, because of how much downright loathing I felt for her back in the day, and the sheer ugliness of some of the thoughts I had about her...and I didn't keep that mess to myself. My mom and I have been at war since the day I learned the word 'no'. And I learned early. God, she'd beat me bloody sometimes, and I ended up in the hospital a time or two thanks to her absolutely out of control berserker rages if she didn't get what she wanted on command. It was insanity at it's finest.

Myself as a kid... Man, I was like a little wild animal. I was way to young to put words to any emotions I felt, but I can tell you this, at a real early age I felt and sensed danger around my mother. There was never, ever, not a single time, except maybe before I could talk and think, when I felt anything that even resembled warmth from her. She was the enemy, and I sensed it like prey senses a predator. Unfortunately for mom, I can be a predator, too, and from a kid on, I defied her at every turn and the cost be damned, and the cost was HIGH. All I remember is spending a lot of time avoiding her presence like the plague, and thank god for a kid's imagination back in the day... I have the profile of a serial killer. I'm not even kidding. I've been abused, and brutally, for many, many years. I always knew, even as a kid, on some level she was just plain looney tunes, but there was always, always, my whole life, her voice in my head, the comments she made, the things she would say... OMG. All my life, forever and ever and ever, her voice in my head, and I half believed the really nasty shit she would hurl at me verbally sometimes...

I started saying 'NO' a long time ago. I didn't always win, I caved sometimes under her intense, crazy pressure, but not always. Oh Lord, our fights...the fights, the fights the fights...it's like every one of them made her stronger, and sucked the living hell right out of me like a parasite... She would not stop. She would not quit. She never, ever relented in her demands, demands that no mere mortal could fulfill. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could have satisfied her back in the day... I knew that a long, long time ago. And I never gave in to that. I told my mom to her face to go fuck herself. **blushes** I am so sorry, but I do have a dark, evil side because of all this. I haven't been in this living hell, this pit of hopelessness, alone. The devil, in the guise of mom, was here, too. I have never met a more psychologically ...brutal...person. The cost of being around her... I fought her for my life every single day from the second I knew I needed to, when I was a kid. God, I detested her even then, poor mom. This is going to sound weird, but in some odd way I've always had this kind of pity for her, too, I've always felt kind of sorry for her.... I mean, really, I damn sure wouldn't want to be her. Can you imagine?

I tried, when I was a kid, a teen and an adult to avoid her. As a kid and teen that was impossible. Oh man, she would literally follow me everywhere, just hurling verbal abuse and screaming like someone crazed...which she was. I could not get away from her. If I locked my door, she would stand outside it and just bang on it, screaming and shrieking...I wasn't about to open it. If she was in a rage and caught me outside my room I'd run like hell. I wasn't about to let her catch me. I knew what was coming. No thanks. I used to have nightmares about her getting a chainsaw and cutting a hole in my door... I always woke up right when the blade came through the door, and I could hear the sounds it was making, and she was almost in... **shudders**

I was no princess in the first years I was here. I had to turn into an animal myself to survive my mom. I stayed away from people on purpose at that time. I knew on some level I wasn't fit company. I had walls, barriers, spikes, chains, armor, camo, you name it, on. And it stayed on, 24/7.

My mom tried to pull her mess with me after my care giving days started. I was working here, working at work, I was tired, I was just absolutely overworked on all levels, and amazing as it sounds, I'm still boggled looking back that somehow I really thought on some level that what I did already wasn't quite, no, not just QUITE, good enough. As I've also known on some level that yeah, it really was QUITE better than you deserved my dear mom... Anyway, yeah, I was a royal bitch. On night after a really long day working over time, I walked in the door and my mom just started blasting me about something. I mean, I was exhausted and I couldn't tell you what the hell she was on about, but our neighbor was over at the time. She was absolutely astonished. She looked at my mom like she had grown two heads, but wasn't surprised. She knew my mom's soul like I did and thought she was nuts, but had rarely, if ever, really SEEN her in action. Oh no. My mom kept THAT part of her personality well concealed...most of the time. Another time, another friend was over, and my so called cousin from Germany was here for a visit, too, when she dropped that mask a second time... Our friend Odetta, a former renter, said to me later that it was 'ugly'. She wasn't coming over too much after that... Anyway, my mom was at my door one night after a hard day, just going off.... I jerked that door open so hard she almost fell and I didn't do a thing to stop it. I got into her face, within an inch, and quietly told her that if she ever pulled the shit again, I would see her dead that night. And then I just stared at her. And kept just staring. She did not open her mouth. She didn't say a word. She never, ever came screaming at my door again either. I was not kidding with her. I was dead, no pun intended, serious.

NOW I understand all the takers and losers....they told her EXACTLY what she wanted to hear, all the time, and she ate that phony shit up like that dominant male humming bird drinks that nectar I put out... She blew my freaking mind.

Lucky for me, I have the last laugh. I beat the odds. I did not let the dark in me win here in the end. My mom has been too far gone to appreciate squat. I've done what I've done because no good person can really leave a pitiful, sad wreck like these mothers here, in shitty or dangerous conditions, and we make sure that these PEOPLE are alright, because that's who WE are. The good guys. I won. Not my mom. Not ever my mom. And it's peaceful here now to my core on that score.

Whew! Thanks everyone, for putting up with me.. **hugs you all** You've all got steel and granite in your souls, and you have to if you want to stay sane around people like our moms, simple as that. I had to become something else. Now I'm glad I can just be....me. And that's priceless. Hell and back. Yes indeed. And I'd do it again, over and over, if it meant being where I'm at now, today, which is such a better place without my mom all up in it. lol

This is in reference to another post...

NOW I understand all the takers and losers....they told her EXACTLY what she wanted to hear, all the time, and she ate that phony shit up like that dominant male humming bird drinks that nectar I put out... She blew my freaking mind.

Sorry if it didn't make any sense here. ha ha

To the OP...NO, you will NOT let your mother, if that's what you want to call that, win. YOU will win. Please, do not harm yourself. We're here, we get it, and we've got your back 100% in this. Don't let anymore points be scored by your mother. I wish you the best of everything, always... and most important, I wish you beautiful, tranquil, PEACE.

There also comes a time when we must say ENOUGH - NO MORE - YOU ARE OUTTA HERE! You can say it in a nicer, kinder way - but some times it is necessary to find an alternative place for your mother, father, MIL, FIL, etc. where they are cared for and you become an 'attentive bystander' - I read that term here on Agingcare and remembered it - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an attentive bystander and letting someone (who is PAID) do the grunt work. I do not think the life of an elder is MORE important than that of their care giver. You just cannot allow this person to drain you completely. It happened to me. I had to finally 'run away from home' temporarily - it took that before anyone would BELIEVE that I just could not continue on the way it was. To this day my MIL takes NO responsibility for the horrid things she said and did to me. So be it. But I reclaimed my life - set boundaries that are not crossed - and found some peace. When the day comes - it is may be soon - that she cannot care for her personal needs and get up/down safely alone - she will no longer live here. The last five years have taken a terrible toll on my health and I will not sacrifice what is left of it so that she can stay here until her dying day. I do not feel I am BAD because of feeling this way. She has two other children and they have mates and NONE of them have lifted a finger in 8 years to help me care for their mother. Oh, they come every year or two for a few hours to visit her - all that does is make me clean my house more than usual. I wish they would stay away completely - they are of absolutely no value to me. Oh, they tell me 'if there's anything we can do - let us know.' We tell them and they either ignore it or worse yet, promise and then break the promise. So, since THEY don't really care - I don't feel that I should feel guilty when I can no longer care for THEIR mother and my hubby feels the same way. He knows what I have done and for how long and said there will come a time soon when she is no longer in our home. Period.

So, do what needs to be done to reclaim you life, you sanity, your health and your life and happiness. What's the point in killing yourself? What will happen to your mom? A nursing home? Well - that's where she needs to be BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!! Get help so that you can sort your feelings out and do the RIGHT THING for yourself and your mom.
DON'T GIVE UP!!! Life IS worth living.

I too feel like I have had the life sucked out of me just by being a care giver to a mother with dementia. Almost everything you all have mentioned is what I feel or have gone through for this past 6 years.

I have to say however that you women are amazing that you have gone through this behavior with your parents for your entire lives and your a bright, articulate and caring enough to be on this site helping other women who are hurting.

Momsgoto: You do NOT want to hurt yourself, please never let this enter your mind again. You have a daughter who will someday have a child, your grandchild, that you will want to hug and kiss and help learn to walk. You have a son that is searching for his place in this world and going through college, some day soon he too will find the love of his life and have, your grand children. DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER ROB YOU OF YOUR JOY, YOUR LIFE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR GRAND CHILDREN. She is like a thief in the night who comes to rob and steal from you.....you have every right to distance yourself from her and you should!

I do not know if you have siblings, but when you decide to distance yourself from her you may hear negative feedback from your siblings. They may ask you, "How could you do this to Mom?" They will be asking because now she is sitting on their phone or doorstep and they do not want to be bothered; for years you took all that off their table and now it is being sent back to them.

If you can walk away from her and look back with no guilt or regrets then by all means do it. You only have one life to live and why would you want to let her destroy it?

I am on your side and I believe you are truly justified. Send her a letter and tell her goodbye and best wishes.

God Bless you and keep you!