I can't be POA anymore but what are my options?

You are having a very difficult time handling your duties for a man with dementia. You obviously have responsibilities of your own. The worries and anxiety are harming you and your way of life and this is just wrong. No one wants to be away from their familiar homes but sometimes physical and mental issues make that extremely difficult or impossible. Leave him where he is cared in a facility - and if not this one, consider finding a different one. It is a fact that no one is going to step in and help you so having him in a facility makes the most sense. If you don't want to be a POA, speak with a social worker or an eldercare attorney. Perhaps someone can be appointed as a guardianship. I don't believe there is any law that says you MUST continue this job if i is causing you serious problems. You are not in jail. I just don't know all the ways this can be done so please seek out professional help and get away from that which is harming you.

First and foremost DO NOT feel guilty, you are in a hard place with to much to do. You say he still owes on his home and he doesn't own the rentals - was he the manager of the rentals? If he doesn't own the rentals and manages them - advise the owners he no longer is capable of doing the job and they will need to find another manager within 60 days or whatever the contract provides. I realize this will kill his income but he is no longer managing it, you are. You may need legal advise on this step.

You do need an attorney, whether it is an elder law or medicaid attorney they can help you get him ready for medicaid, but I hate to add to your load, but you will have a lot of paperwork to gather. I worked many hours a week getting the documentation of my parents to get my father on medicaid as his life was winding down. In Missouri, they did not require 5 years of bank records, but they can go back that far.

If you remain as POA the next few months won't be easy, losing the rental properties, getting him on medicaid, finding him a new place that takes medicaid, selling his house and other assets. If there is no way for you to do this, then unless other family members take on the burden, the state will have to take over for you. Before you do give up, check with the social worker where he currently is and see what resources are available to you. Find an attorney in the area familiar with applicable laws to give you solid direction.

If you can hang on for 2 or 3 months disposing of his business, home, get him on medicaid, and get him placed in an appropriate facility, being a POA will be simplified for you. Please realize few elders wish to leave their home, but there comes a time for a lot of them, where there is no choice.

As for his other children in another country or not - if they are not helping, they get no say UNLESS they plan to take over for you. DO NOT let them guilt you. There is NOTHING to feel guilty about, you can only do your best and when your best is not enough then it's time to find new solutions. I know when my father was in his final months of life I made decisions that I hoped to God were the right ones. Mom, dad and I were presented with the information and did make a group decision, but I was the person in charge of Dad's finances and medical decisions. Decisions can be heart wrenching, but you go with what you believe is in the best interest of your LO. In your case, you must also make the decision that is best for your father and yourself. Taking on this much will take a toll on anyone.

May you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Executor of Estate our lawyer just recently did that for me as mom passed from covid19 last year really suddenly. But Dad was her POA and I'm Dad's POA. It's a lot of money for these attorneys. They will charge you to walk their happy fat butts over to the Fax machine and pick it up and read it. If you call them and play phone tag with them they will charge you for it. If you speak with them on the phone they will keep you on the phone for at least 15 minutes so that they get their hourly rate. If you see them in the grocery store and you say hello nice day isn't it they'll tell you to call the office. I've spent over $15,000 and I've yet to handle my father's property. He's still alive. FYI pres Biden has FEMA program where funeral costs for covid19 will be reimbursed probably need receipts and death certificate that specifically covid19 was one of the causes. Good luck

My parents could not physically care for one of my grandparents.

They hired 3 CNAs to cover 24-hour care. One was appointed manager and was responsible for managing schedules, groceries, doctors appts., and any problems. The 3 generally worked their same 8 hour shift each day. When they needed to switch, they switched with each other and maintained the same number of hours. There were a few personnel changes, but this worked fairly harmoniously for 8 years. It wasn’t perfect, but it was really great.

The one who served as a manager used this to build her resume and earned a slightly higher wage. She loved the added responsibility.

Grandma was happy, clean and in her home. They loved her and she loved them. The three CNAs became close friends and appreciated this arrangement.

You can set up auto bill pay or hire your bank to pay bills. Hire a payroll company to pay any workers.

Everything will be okay.

I am one of those people who believes in at-home care, which has worked in my family for multiple generations. It doesn’t work for every family. You need to manage what works for you and your dad.

Dont take orders from anyone who is not there helping… And tell them just that.

Imho, seek out the assistance of an elder law attorney. This dynamic must be amended now.

"He has children in another country but they don't help, only tell me what to do."
Don't have contact with them, at least for now. They're no help, only hindrance. There's no need to take ANY input from them. If you have to, block them on phone, social media, etc., at least until you get this all sorted out. If they're pestering you, this will take one load off while you work out the rest.

I'd hesitate to recommend giving up the POA unless there's absolutely no other alternative. Once you give it up, you can't get it back, since he has dementia.

Start by finding out how long he can stay in the rehab. Sure, he doesn't like it, but who does? He may be limited by Medicare for time or if he's not making progress, they can cut him loose, so he'd have to self-pay. This may cost more than you'd be "saving" from not having the care people at his home, but it's to give you time to get this resolved.

For the house, can you contact the mortgage company and find out how much equity there is? You say it's an older house - would it need a lot of work to fix up for sale? If there's not a lot of equity, why not let them repo? You'd have to warn the tenants that they'll have to find another place to live. IF only his name is on the deed, it won't matter if it hurts his credit rating. Or consider a sell "as is." There is potential, depending on how much he owes, that there might be residual to be paid to close out the account. A little number crunching, but in the long run, what he pays for mtg, re tax and utils, plus the care givers would go a long way to paying for a facility.

Keeping him in rehab or temp in a LTC place that might do monthly will buy you some time to get the tenants to move, the house gone and eliminate all those extra "duties." Would you consider moving him to MC near where you live? It would reduce time managing everything else AND you can watch over him easier if he is local. As for all the warnings about the virus, most elder care facilities were FIRST on the list to get vaccinated. There should be LESS worry having him in a facility now than having random care-givers you have no control over coming and going in his house!

"...but at great cost to myself." I hope you mean physically and emotionally, not that it's good, but hopefully you're not paying to cover his shortfalls too.

You need to consult with EC atty, to get advice about selling or ditching the house, getting the tenants out and whether your father would qualify for Medicaid or perhaps VA benefits. Many offer a limited free consult. Make a list of all these issues to make the most of that free consult. Have the atty give an estimate for taking care of all that you need help with (should be dad's dime.) If possible, find other EC attys who offer the free consult and take notes at each one. Go with the one who gives the best advice and plans.

If you can get him into MC, either where he is now or near you and get rid of all the rest, managing as POA isn't nearly as difficult. It would be easier if he moved to your area. I know how you feel. I managed all mom's finances, medical and dental care, and had to go often to replenish food/supplies for several years. No real help from brothers, even though one is local (the other is several states away.) I made sure the move was to a place near where I live, as I knew this would all fall on me. Even after the move, all her needs were mine to oversee, but it was so much better after the condo was done and sold! The only differences were I was laid off about the time she needed me to step in, so that wasn't a concern for me, and there were no tenants. We considered renting her place, but being overwhelmed with everything else, I decided I was NOT going to become a landlord! The cost of hiring rental manager would likely take any income and I'd have to worry about damages, repairs, etc. So, once it was ready, SELL IT!!! I retired early. Though it was a financial hardship for me, it was better than juggle all and work.

Have a talk with his dr about not being able to manage him from a distance any longer. Hopefully doctor will understand your situation and assist you with moving him to a facility closer to your home and telling him he needs to be closer to family to manage his care. If he hears it from someone other than you, perhaps he would consider a move and sell the house to use towards his care. I would hesitate giving up the POA and managing his financial affairs all together.

It would be much easier to manage his caregivers, if you needed to hire some and arranging for medical visits for him. You could notify tenants the house is going to be sold and they need to vacate. Or continue to use the rent they generate as income for him as income to pay for a memory care or assisted living facility near you. Personally, I'd sell the house so you don't have to deal with tenant complaints and repairs.

The siblings who are out of the country can assist even though they aren't here - they can pay any of his bills online for you. Or, you can have the bills auto drafted and only have to follow up with a bank statement or credit card statement for accuracy. Other than that, I wouldn't discuss any decisions with them. They aren't here and don't do anything now, so you have to make the decisions that are best for you.

I have some of your problems. I went to counseling. Got Mom on Medical, trying to find her a place. She does not want to leave my home (moved out of husband and her house 4 months ago). She says she is happy. I am not. My father who is a drunk still lives in it. They have lived their 53 years and still owe money on it. My father might have more dementia than Mom. Not going to help the man who yells and me every time I see him.(while growing up also). Counselor told me still can be a good daughter by putting Mom in a assisted memory place. If I can find one that will only bill Medical. You are not responsible for their bad choices. I have no siblings, so I cannot relate to that problem. But, I will say. You are either part of the solution or part of the problem. If you are part of the problem GET OUT. Do what you think is best. Good luck. Remember to breath.

Listen to James J. That is the BEST way to get your parent support and it will give you tremendous relief too.

James is right. Downsize the problem. Call a realtor. Call a retirement center. Get the ball rolling.

Sell his stuff, property and all. Get him placed.

Visit occasionally.

We ALL have to come to this point, pull up our big girl or boy underwear, and do what needs to be done. It feels impossible but people do it every day because it is time!

Good luck!

As a Power of Attorney (I assume for finances and health) you are uniquely responsible for your father's health, safety, security, and overall well-being.

That does not mean you must do these things to your own physical, financial or emotional detriment.

That does mean being objective and decisive.

In this case, I encourage you not to turn over those decisions, but rather to make them. You know what your father needs for his health, safety, security, and well-being. It is time to take a deep breath, pull together your resources, perhaps take some time off from work, and get those decisions made.

Trust that you were picked for exactly this purpose, and do not look for someone else. It is a hardship, yes, and one you agreed to doing years ago. It is just time to move to a different level of care now.

As someone who has battled thru anxiety, I understand all too well how overwhelming this feels. Making these decisions will be part of your process as well as his. Have a good therapist to keep you on track. You will see the strength build in yourself and you do the work.

Sun,

I completely understand!!
I care for my Aunt long distance.

I had to place her in MC and sold her home "as is" to pay for her facility. Her home was in shambles ! I have all her bills on auto pay.

I know your Dad desperately wants to go home, however, at 91 he is only going to decline.
Most likely he's going to need ALF soon.

IMHO, find him a wonderful ALF now. Since he's already out of his home, now would be ideal.
He may actually be happy there. There are lots of activities to keep him busy and lots of folks to talk with.
This would relieve some of the pressure on you!

God bless and (((hugs)))