For my entire life, so long as my parents were concerned, nothing I could do was good enough. I expended a lot of energy doing & excelling, looking for approval that never materialized. Now my mother is widowed, mid-90s and lives in a 55+ IL. I am 30 minutes away from her; my bro & his wife live a few blocks. Mom's proud to be "independent." It's a charade, of course. The only things she does for herself are dress/undress, toilet, in/out of bed, and feed herself--when she bothers to eat. She also participates in a couple of group activities at the facility each week. My B & SIL do *literally* everything else for her, bathing, laundry, cleaning, doctor appointments, groceries, and cooking included. I've dithered in guilt since I found out how much they've begun doing. On the other hand, in the past when I've offered to help I've been brushed off. To my relief, actually. But now they want me to start cleaning her apartment regularly. She has fired I don't know how many cleaners because they couldn't please her, so there's no future in suggesting she hire someone. I foresee nothing but grief from her if I take it on. Would it be fair for me to set ground rules? As in, she has to be out of the apartment when I'm cleaning, and the first complaint from her ends the whole arrangement? Personally, I think she belongs in AL. But I stay out of decision-making, as my B is her POA.
The old S#!4 sandwich!
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Telling your brother and his wife the first complaint from Mom and Im gone. Well then don't waste their time helping. I would think getting mom out for an hour or two while you do this task is a rational thing,
Having gone thru this with my wifes brothers and sisters while she carried the full burden for many years, they NEVER helped. if ALL they are asking is to clean her place once a week and they are carrying the rest. I suggest you role up your sleeves and help out. If Mom makes stupid comments ignore it. Think about helping your brother and his wife not her. Keep in mind some day you may be old and need some help. Also my Mother In Law was an absolute witch. I put up with a lot for a lot of years because my interest was supporting my wife not helping my Mother In Law.
If you don't want to do the cleaning, then hire someone and they work for YOU. She cannot fire them. If she has complaints about the cleaning, she takes it up with you. If legitimate, YOU deal with the cleaning service.
And no, you shouldn't be able to walk away from the arrangement the first time she complains. That's like setting this up to fail from the beginning since you already know she's going to complain about something. Like I said, if all brother asked for was cleaning, that's minor. Go do it, let her gripe a little, take her to lunch or bring lunch in and do your best to have a meaningful visit. If nothing else, clean and go home. Help your brother, don't hinder him.
Stop banging your head against her brick wall. You’re annoyed which is totally understandable. It’s horribly frustrating! I wish you peace.
Feeling unsure about setting ground rules sounds like you are feeling guilty about even thinking about it. Someone once told me that guilt is resentment turned inward.
Great suggestion to go in with your headphones on with your favorite music. Do what needs to be done, be as pleasant as possible, and leave before you start to feel like a child again trying to please a disapproving parent.
God Bless you....you are not alone.
Your brother is what’s called the Golden Child... the favorite. You, however, are the Scapegoat. Never doing anything right (in her eyes, anyway), blamed, criticized. It is extremely common that a narcissistic mother favors the son and craps on the daughter. They see daughters as competition or as a reflection of themselves... and that’s bad because Narcissistic moms, no matter how much they seem to love themselves, don’t.
There’s also a great book: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” By Karyl McBride. Great place to start.
It also has to do with personalities. My parent can be a little snippy and hardcore at times and I see the exact personality in a couple of my siblings. Especially in the oldest one who says she's not taking care of anyone.
I never had any more attention that the others. Never received all the praise. The difference was I didn't argue the stupid things with her. If it didn't matter, let it go. I have a personal expectation for myself of doing my best NOT to say anything I would regret should it be the last conversation with someone. Siblings and even my parent pretty much think it's ok to speak their mind. Right! Ok for them, but not for others! I refuse to deliberately hurt someone's feelings just to speak my mind. I can usually think about something and get my point out in a more diplomatic way.
I also think it's great you have a team here with Brother & SIL. My advice is to check-in with them. How's it going? Is a small upgrade of services needed, or time for a whole new plan?
If Mother needs a cleaner - she hires a cleaner - this is reasonable. Anybody saying YOU have to be the cleaner - unreasonable. You can choose to if you wish of course!
Your profile says Mother has some dementia/Alz? The symptoms can differ but it is progressive.
To be blunt: Mother is no longer fully Independent.
Right now she is Inter-Depependant, relying on family. This will increase & can cause conflict as each sibling will differ in how much they can/will do. I think of it as a slippery slope until reaching the next stage: Dependant. By then most will need full-time caregivers (either in home or facility).
You are right to listen to your inner concerns regarding the cleaning... it is more than that. It is stepping onto the slippery slope.
What is reasonable for you to do? What is reasonable for your Bro & SIL to do before you all call time on IL & move to AL?
If she fusses, just keep cleaning. “Yeah, I know you don’t do it this way, but I’ve got to get it done, so I’m going to do it this way.”
Let everything else roll off your back. Dementia is a beast, you’re going to have to develop a tough shell. It will get worse as it goes. I hope it goes better than you imagine. Hugs to you.
Boundaries is a good plan, but I have found when I try to put up boundaries it results in a lot of child like manipulating behavior from my mom, I am trying to learn to keep the boundaries while putting up with the lousy treatment from her.
My mother was narcissistic and I had to keep very strong boundaries. to survive emotionally.
You can't please a narcissist. That is part of their nature, She will end up being critical of you as she has with the others. Please set boundaries of what you can and can't do and won't do, knowing she is as she is, Apparently she has the money to hire cleaners if she needs them. Narcs want servants who will jump and ask high high on the way up, who will make the narc the center of their world as you bro and sil have. It is not healthy. Please be wary of being sucked into this.
You already know she is going to be critical no matter what or who. So, knowing that, let it roll off your back and don't take it personally.
If you go in setting yourself up with the attitude it's not going to work out, then there's no point in offering your help. Your brother will see through, "well I tried".
If I may suggest, think about what you can and cannot handle with your mother. Set kind and appropriate boundaries. Explain them to your mother, brother and SIL. Helping might alleviate some of your guilt, but remember you cannot change a person.... meaning, your mother is not going to make an effort at her age.
If the cleaning doesn’t work out then maybe you can negotiate with your brother for other duties.
Good luck,
Nancy
I'm thinking about your brother and SIL -- they have been carrying the load for a long time. Good. They are now asking for specific help. Why can't you help them and your mother with this simple request? Cleaning doesn't take all day. Wear headphones, do it while she is at one of her activities. OR.... decide that this could actually be some quality time with your mom. Play her kind of music, ask her about her early life. Take some cookies and have her make some tea. You won't have her for long..........
I struggle with guilt with my husband's parents - he does a lot for them, but it is never enough. I have largely removed myself from the equation, which is probably not the most productive approach, but I am tired of jumping through flaming hoops and still being criticized.
When I do assist, I set ground rules. And if the ground rules are violated, I again remove myself from the situation. My biggest feeling of guilt comes from knowing that when I remove myself, it adds to what my husband feels he has to do - but he also needs to start setting some healthy boundaries.
I think it would totally be fair to set ground rules going in - I also think you should be given the option to hire someone to clean if you can't do it - as long as her place is clean, that's the end goal that matters.
I wouldnt even do it, if you're gonna go in with that attitude. She will def. complain.
You will quit. END OF STORY
I think it great that your mom can live by herself in her own place, it's the best thing.
it's awesome at her age she can still dress, feed and toilet herself.
Having her out of the Apartment would be a good idea, as long as you can schedule a time when she will be at an Activity at her facility but usually those just last an hour.
When your mom has a Dr's and would be an excellent time but I'm sure your mom needs someone to come once a week.
Of course talk it over with your sister and see what times your mom is usually gone from her room.
I think you're being a little too extreme in saying the first time your mom complaines that you will quit.
I'm sure you did a lot of complaining when you were growing up and she didn't quit on you.
Wok things out as it's not too much to ask to do a little cleanup once a week.
Wold you rather do laundry, grocery shopping, fixing her food and taking her to Dr appointments?
take care of yourself and not get too involved in every aspect of her life. I run a business and my mom is 82 and very time consuming. She wants tons of attention which I give her on the phone but it is just never enough for her.
If you have your brother taking care of her then let it be and yes, count your blessings.
1) I think that your Mom is doing alot for herself. Is she ambulatory? If so, she's leaps and bounds ahead of many.
2)It's a positive that she does participate in some activities.
3) I would suggest that you clean her apartment, at least for now.
She may fire people, due to lack of trust. As people age, they want to be independent and find it difficult to trust (unfortunately for a good reason).
Could you eventually bring someone (cleaning person) with you to "help you" and let them establish a relationship with Mom, then gradually let them take over.
3) I also suggest that you bring lunch/dinner over once a week for a social time. You could make a favoite food or puchase something. Bring enough for her to have the next day. Can she use a microwave?
Best wishes to you and Mom.
It's not unreasonable for your mother to want her home cleaned the way she likes it cleaned. Can you afford to pay for someone for her to fire? I'm being a bit flippant - what you're actually looking for, of course, is someone who is prepared to do things EXACTLY how she likes them done and is good at finding out what that means.
It's always a challenge, a client like this, but there comes the glorious day when s/he scans the room, narrow-eyed, and there is blessed silence, and the wise worker adopts an innocent expression and does NOT say "well? Anything I've missed, your ladyship?"
By the way. The list of things your mother can do is not bad for a lady in her mid-90s. Long may she continue.
Don't set foot in her apartment yourself, no matter how much you would like to support your brother and wife. That would be a genuine hiding to nothing.