I am so jealous of people with independent elders. Can anyone relate?

Personally I understand. I am tired. I moved in with my mom 5 years ago...she is now 98. The tiring part is she has turned in many ways like a child and I love her but there is no way for me to make her happy and feel better. She has been ill twice since mid December... regular stuff like bronchitis and now a sinus infection. However, each time it takes a toll on her body.... I do have a brother and sister in town that help as they can. Frequently when she is alert and feeling ok she always says well when I was your age I was going on cruises. It's hard. I am not sorry am taking care of her but I really have no life of my own. I read a lot...and I am in an awesome work out group but I can't go when she is so needy, Please understand that needy can be in real need... or it can mean she is just needy wanting attention. She doesn't have dementia but her old age short term memory is getting worse (probably another form of dementia). I am happy for all of those that can put their moms in an assisted living..my mom cries at the thought of anyone coming in the house....its an emotional thing. I took a weekend away (lol- in town for New Years)...did nothing but enjoyed my time. I can take a weekend periodically and I think I will have to take them more often as she gets this way. The ups and downs and the not sure if she will make it through the night really tears and wears on you. Bless you and hope you can get some relief.

Like many here, I feel like your story is my story. I too am an only child and when my mom developed Alzheimer's, she came to live with us for 5 years, (until she passed away). She tried Assisted Living/Memory Care, but it just didn't work out, and she did much better with us. There wers some days though, that I would sometimes think, "My friend's mom is doing fine in Memory Care, why can't my mom?" But, I realized that everyone's life situation is going to be different. I re-framed my thinking from "I 'have' to take care of my mom" to "I 'get' to take care of my mom, and that made a big difference. I tried to find the humor (amidst the stress), to wit, as some of you know, I wrote our life story regarding this time of my life entitled, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'd jot down funny or not so funny things that happened during those 5 years. It was cathartic for me to write, and those events developed into a book. I have since read articles that tout the therapeutic effects of writing, especially during stressful situations. Maybe that would help. In addition, can you find someone to sit with your mom for a few hours here or there, so you can pursue some interests?

I am 67 and my 96 y.o. mom lives with me. I brought her here about 5 years ago. We batted heads a lot during the first year and a half and then better after that. Not always easy (for either of us) but so far it is working.

When I was 55, I never ever would have thought of doing this. But because we are both pretty much similar personalities and like to be home and never any social life except with my years of working, it now is working.

Now I have a friend who is same age whose mother same age just passed away. They were both very social and her mom lived in ALF and daughter continued with her travel career (which is what I used to do). In some ways, I envy her and had considered helping mom into ALF but I've always thought Mom wouldn't do well there as she is not at all social, so never looked at those options.

There are different ways of handling things and living. You just need to decide what is most important to you and make a plan of steps to pursue what is your goal / goals. The book BOUNDARIES may help. It is at least worth checking out. Whatever you decide, let go of any insecurities or doubts and take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Try to find outlets for yourself to keep your mind occupied and busy.

I feel like I just read my life story. She had 8 kids, she moved in almost 30 years ago and this is the 1st week that I don’t need to take care of her. She’s in the hospital and they’re sending her to a nursing home for rehabilitation. I’ve been squeezing my free time in between serving her meals. (In all these years, there was no assistance offered from the other 7 kids) anyway… luckily I have been in this town for over 50 years and I was always tending bar in different places as a side job, so I don’t feel out of place shooting pool between 10 & 12 in the morning. (lol) sometimes, if she has a late lunch, I could go run into my old office crowd. Sometimes, you just need to find YOUR fun break. Good luck I keep saying I’m going to write a book, but that just sounded like more work……..

I am an only child, soon to turn 55, and have a soon to be 91 year old mother in Assisted Living. I understand your frustrations.

What helps?

Seeing that we aren’t alone, especially from a place like this forum, does help. Knowing that you want more than what you have is a good step forward. Find one thing each day that brings you joy and make it happen. Fresh air? Hot coffee with a special creamer? Manicure? Hot bath? Believe me, it is some of those simple things that help. Looking around and wishing you could be someone else doesn’t help. Everyone has a story and heartache one way or another.

I work full-time. I have two sons and am married. I pick up my mom most days after work and she comes back to my house for dinner and a game of Scrabble. She doesn’t do much else. Most of her friends are dead. I try to think about life from her perspective and that is where my patience and empathy grow. She has Parkinson’s and that isn’t easy either. My mom was good to me and I do my best to be good to her. That is all you can do—try. Some days will be better than others.

Take some time for you to be alone in your thoughts and sort through what matters to you and what you want in this next chapter. We, too, are on the back 9 and it is important that we find joy as well.

Best wishes to you!

Upstream, your mom is in NO way going to start driving again if she can't stand up long enough to fill the tank.

If her independence means you have no life, then it is a fiction, isn't it?

If your mom is currently in AL, I would tell staff that you arecgoing away for 3 weeks and will be unavailable (you don't have to go anywhere, just do what you please for 3 weeks). Or tell them that you're having surgery.

My point is, let's see if mom and the AL can manage without your constant attendence.

I feel many on this group are in the same situation with our parents. Many of us are older and not in good health ourselves trying to take care of our loved ones. I am fortunate my mother has the ability to afford memory care, However she is there against her will. She never wanted to go to a place like that. The problem was she would not let anyone in her home to help take care of her. She would not go to doctors. Her house being a two-story with all ceramic tile floors and a pool was too dangerous for her as well. She is angry all the time at not being able to go home. Because she is there against her will there is no way I can take her out for a nice sunny day. There are times where I see people post about taking their loved one home for the day or out to a nice restaurant I wish I could do that. I wish I could enjoy her company. I know that there are not many years left, perhaps more than I have, she is in better physical shape that I am. However even visits to memory care are miserable. All she wants to talk about is getting out of that place. She does not beg, she angrily demands. The entire time I am there. It’s very rare redirecting works. There are times I resent it, I resent that she is so stubborn and noncompliant. I feel she has put herself in the situation she’s in. It’s not the dementia that makes her that way. She’s always been that way. It’s her way or no way. We could’ve hired caregivers to go in and care for her in her own home. We could’ve dementia proofed it. I know she would’ve been happier. I also know if I let her go home now it go back to the way it was before. She cannot live alone and she is too difficult for any one person to handle. I am jealous even seeing other parents with dementia that are singing and happy, your stories of outings to dinner, the activities you’re able to do with your loved ones. I know I will never be able to have that with my mother again. This disease is so horrible. In the original post many of us found our own jealousy’s and frustrations. We all share and those feelings even if they are in different ways.

Yup…This is my life story!! I am 70 …my mom is 88 yrs old. She is in assisted living for some dementia BUT I spend a good 20 hrs a week visiting…I handle all MD’s, eyes, dental and in between I do her shopping, balance her checking, request cash from investments, take phone calls from nurses, review medicine bills, pay bills and fill in tons of paperwork! My mom will likely live to 100 {healthy old gal} and I will be 83. I had 3 good retirement years and this began. Leaving town is tough. My brother visits 1 hour a week and goes south a lot. Resentment? Jealousy? Of course!!! I got mental health counseling…learned some emotional detachment and can provide loving care! Good Luck!

Is feeling jealous, actually resentment/anger?

Feel it. Listen hard. What are the feelings trying to tell you?

Drops of resentment,
Grows sea of anger, swimming,
Towards a new shore.

🛶

Please sink no further. Reach out. Find how to float, then swim towards your own life plan.

Have you read any Melody Beattie? She specialises in 'separaring with love'. Not to neglect others, but to stop neglecting ourselves. 🦋

Your problem isn’t your mother - it’s your attitude.

Your question shows little more than negativity and bitterness.

You seek empathy, yet offer none in return (such as your kind hinted envy toward parentless —both parents died with “little to no fanfare?” — seriously???

Get help.

I think we all can relate in some way to having our parents independent and not always in our faces about why the pickle jar "look different" or that the shoes that they are wearing are "too Taupe and not brown enough". My new personal statement is "I'm too old to have a mother". She's 88 and her mother lived to 97 if my mother makes it that long and I'm facing retirement, I won't because she expect me to drop everything and live with her. My phone stays right next to me 24/7 and I can't even go to the bathroom without it. The last time I took a vacation was with my mother that was 10 years ago. Now she wants me to come up with day trips and fun things to go see and do but she doesn't want to walk let alone realize that we are still stuck in the middle of a global pandemic. Three years ago I started grinding my teeth at night due to anxiety. I'd like to wake up one morning and not have to take pain killers just to be able to speak without my jaw wincing. I have totally changed personality due to my mother and her constant need for attention and care. Several of her friends are alone and none of their adult children visit ever. She constantly complains to all of them that "she never sees me". She recently told her card group not to ask about her family (meaning me) anymore because if she started listing everything wrong they couldn't complete the game cause they would be there till midnight.

I’m a bit jealous when I see elderly moms out shopping or eating with their middle age daughters. Or when my own adult kids miss having a grandparent that’s active and involved. But I also know not all is rosy with our elders. I sure hope you’ll change your life story and enjoy your time.

Oh I can so relate. My father passed away at the age of 72 from cancer. He was a smoker and didn't care. My mother is 87 years old soon to be 88 next month, suffering from failure to thrive, vascular dementia and is completely bedridden. She went down hill fast from her first fall back in Feb last year and never recovered. Went through all the PT and was released from the hospital with instruction to continue moving and exercising but she didn't. She just gave up. On the other hand my mother-in-law just turned 90 and is doing great. My aunt who is 87 is also doing great. I resent the fact that she is in bed, in diapers being spoon fed and watching TV all day at my expense at a board and care. When I told her I would have to move her to a nursing home because she was approved for Medi-cal she became angry. I told her she put herself in this position not me. She was suppose to get better and move in with me but no more. I cannot be her caregiver 24-7 at home and I cant keep paying for her care out of my own pocket. So yes, I get what you are feeling. I am 58 years old, retired from work and cannot enjoy life as I am swallowed in her care.

hugs upstream!! :) :)

i think your post is excellent.
i've been following it carefully, because -- yes, i also feel in a similar way.

i wouldn't say i'm "jealous" of people with independent elders.
but i feel in some ways, similar to you.

it comes down to unfairness, frustration, etc.

you're an only child, upstream, so all of it has been dumped on you.

i'm an only child (in the sense that my 3 silly older brothers don't help) (i've managed in some ways to force them to help; but basically they don't help) (i prefer not to think about them: i like thinking about nice people, not awful people).

if you, upstream, had many people helping out, you probably wouldn't feel "jealous" at all. you'd just be helping out once in a while, and one's parent getting older would just be a normal fact of life.

same with me, and i think others on this website too:
if we had lots of other people helping out, we wouldn't be feeling frustrated/upset/used/taken advantage of/losing our own life/"jealous"...

-----
solutions?

so much of it depends on how much money our LOs have.
the more money, the more options (for example, hiring competent in-home caregivers).

"beggars can't be choosers."
elderly LOs, and the people helping them, certainly have less options, if there's not much money.
in some countries, the public facilities are truly awful (whereas the more money you pay for private facilities, the better your LOs will be treated). i'm not saying it's always related to how expensive a facility is. i'm just saying, sometimes it is.

some people on this website have great experiences with facilities.
some people, awful.
both are true. it's totally possible for two things to be true at the same time.

-----
solutions?

this feeling of "jealousy"...
i would call it frustration/anger/totally justified upsetness with the way one is treated/losing one's life...

i would say, the more unfair the situation is, of course the more "jealous" one feels. i would replace the word "jealous" with angry/frustrated.

what to do?

save yourself.

-----
yes we must help our LOs.
but save yourself too.

THERE IS NOTHING NOBLE IN SACRIFICING YOUR LIFE.
YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

i'm not saying you can't help a few hours here and there.

i'm talking about sacrificing.

likewise, there is nothing noble in allowing yourself to be abused (for those of us, mannnny of us, who deal with toxic, abusive parents).
...by the way, i recently read some great advice about abusive parents (X). try to write a letter to X (a letter you'll never send). and then write a fake, compassionate, kind response letter to yourself from X (the kind of letter you'll never receive from X, but you wish X would write to you).
...the idea is to stop waiting for X to apologize, admit they're wrong, say kind things. you write the letter yourself, say those words to yourself.
...i felt much better. my fake response letter basically said, "i'll continue abusing you. i'm sorry. please protect yourself from me."

by the way, this fake response letter can also be from a non-abusive parent. in the sense of simply an elderly parent who lovingly advises you to go live your life.

-----

there is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself, for your elderly parents.

again, i'm not saying, don't help your parents.
i'm just saying, don't sacrifice your life.

if we feel frustrated/hurt/"jealous", etc...
all these negative emotions...
it means we're going too far in 1 direction (the helping direction).
bring it more to the other direction (help yourself).

as riley2166 said in another post:
"this is YOUR time of life - live it while you can"


new year hugs! :)
bundle of joy :)

I get what you're saying. My mom and MIL are the same age - - my mom complains, gives up, doesn't try, and is headed to a nursing home because she requires too much care for assisted living. My MIL is upbeat, very active and on the go with friends and grandkids - - my husband and I are very thankful she and my FIL are stubborn in a good way.

There is nothing logical about illogical behavior and we'll make ourselves crazy trying to figure it out or fix it. I am using the experiences with my mom as motivation to take care of myself - - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Thanks everyone for the responses. This is the only place I find others in a similar situation as me. I had 3 girlfriends that all had "difficult" moms about 5 years ago but each mom passed away pretty fast, one friend got left a house & money. They were my sympathetic ears but now all three have been set free, one travels, the other one has sleepovers with her grandaughter ever week, etc.

My mom was super women's-lib. and was pretty mouthy with my dad and others. It's been ironic that since dad got dementia and then had to be put in a home, that mom was not able to manage a lot of basic household stuff. It's become apparent that my dad did most of the "adulting" while mom mostly pursued her own passions. So I am stuck managing my small business, my household, plus her life.

Backstory: parents moved 3 houses away from me upon retirement, ended up spending said retirement drinking & arguing, dad developed dementia after a decade of that lifestyle, died in 2019. Mom's drinking & prescription drug abuse escalated over the years. OMG the falls...so many...broken bones that have not healed right (doctors & nurses are amazed she can really even move), head injuries, bruises, pools of blood. Mom is on a rollercoaster of ups & downs. Through a series of emergencies, I had to move her into assisted living (for the second time around) in late 2020. Last year at this time, she was in a wheelchair, could not bathe or dress herself. The staff began physical rehab and, well, now she's looking at driving again and possibly moving out to an "independent" situation which means....my wings are about to be clipped because she has to be propped up and the daily drama will resume (as in, she can't grocery shop without falling over, can't gas up the car without falling over, can't handle monthly bills, can't manage her meds, falls and can't get up....).

My only advice would be to try to live in the moment more. It sounds trite I know but anything is bearable in the moment. It's the imagining the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years to come that make it all unbearable. Your mom might drop dead tomorrow or in a week or maybe in a month, a year. You don't know. Nobody does. Try not to look at this as a situation that will never end. It may end sooner than you think.

My mom took really great care of herself but still ended up infirm as she reached her late eighties. I had this dream that she'd live to be 100 with her mind intact. Yes, a dream it was. I think looking at the grass as being greener on the other side is a waste of time. Even people who look like they've got it made have their own set of problems. Maybe their parents are healthy and aren't a burden but maybe they are. Things are not always as they seem.

You have my sympathy and I hope you can somehow scrape out some happiness for yourself somewhere.

Please consider that this is not the end of your story... but the start of something better. Help your mom to interact with others - adult day care, assisted living, clubs and local activities... She needs more than you to socialize with and to help provide care. You also need more interactions with others and some much needed time off - daily and more weekly - from caregiving.

Yes, absolutely - can relate 100%. I've even gone as far to completely cut off contact with old friends I grew up with when they inherit real estate worth hundreds of thousands of dollars without lifting a finger to help their parents. I believe that's a character flaw on my end - but, it's what I need to do to keep going.

My old friends (I'm in my 60's) are all relaxing, enjoying life while I'm working physically harder than I ever did in my 20's/30's with no days off and no end in site. It makes me dislike them intensely - and once again - that's a character flaw within myself. But, under the circumstances I forgive myself for feeling this way.

So yes - I understand/empathize/agree with your feelings 100% - and have no advice for you, since I appear not to be able to save myself ... but, I do understand. And understand completely.

Yes, I'm jealous of every person older than my mom that is in sooooo much better condition than she is. She NEVER took care of herself. NEVER ate well. RARELY exercised, etc etc. Kicked her issues down the road and now she's in a lot of trouble because of it. IF she had taken care of things and stayed active, we'd both be in a much different situation now. But, NO.

So, read up on boundary setting. You need to start putting YOU first and getting your life going and making it a priority. If mom is capable, she will need to start doing some things for herself. If she's incapable, physically or mentally, then she will need some aides to care for her at home. Or if her needs are too great, she will need to go into a facility. Obviously, she will NOT like this. That's OK. YOU don't like how things are now so why should you be the only one that is not satisfied with the arrangements??

My dad passed quickly at 73 from a stroke. Mom is almost 79 and has plenty of physical issues and must have dementia (working on an exact diagnosis). While 73 is quite young to die, I would rather have had that happen as it did as opposed to watching my dad get old and decrepit. He would NOT have been happy, at all.

Upstream, don't be jealous of independent elders because it doesn't last very long, eventually age will finally catch up with them.

So for 7 years I didn't get a good night sleep, wondering if Mom, who was 97 or Dad 94 would be falling at their single family house. Mom refused to even tour places that had luxury apartments, which had square footage same as their home. And they could be around people their own age. There was a doctor on-site. Plus a gift shop, beauty salon/barber, a bank, and a half dozen restaurants. I was thinking that would cut my driving them in half. No such luck :(

So don't be jealous, eventually issues will start to take over.

Yes, I can relate. I'm 62 and I'm my 94 yo mother's sole caregiver. Time is ticking on. My dad did everything for her - they were the perfect pair - he was a giver and she is a taker. However, she was left to me when he passed away 18 years ago. My only sibling, my twin, is passed away. My husband left me 9 years ago and has also since passed away. Every day I pray for strength to carry on through this and really hope that when it's over - if I don't pass away before she does - that there will be some time to enjoy a few things that I haven't been able to do for years.

I feel very isolated and old - been taking care of sick relatives since 2016 - I feel you the last time I went on a date was July 2016 . Not even sure what my goals are ? My Dad has fallen every month so I am basically babysitting. I guess hang in there

I hear you, loud & clear. I'm 65 this July, an only child, with a mother who's 95 on the 20th of this month, hanging on for dear life with advanced dementia & at least 10 other issues too numerous to mention. She does live in Memory Care AL 4 miles away, but I'm her only child & only remaining family member who's either alive, goes to see her or deals with her in any way. I'm the sounding board for ALL of it, like you said, the sponge to absorb all of her decades of misery. She's fallen 92x with no real injuries as a result. Her body will be studied upon death (at 104) to see what material it's made of (my guess is super ball rubber) because it can't just be fat that cushions her and prevents broken hips/legs/arms/wrists/ankles from happening. Dad fell ONCE, broke his hip & passed, without fanfare, 11 months later. She's also survived 3 bouts of pneumonia (one thought to be aspiration pneumonia), Afib, pulmonary hypertension, CHF, kidney disease, advanced neuropathy that's put her in a wheelchair in June of 2019, a heat stroke incident where she was found unresponsive, 1 stroke we know of, 3 jabs with no side effects whatsoever, high blood pressure and a partridge in a pear tree! We've had more ER visits & hospitalizations that have broken the Guiness Book of World Records already, and she's still going strong, like the Energizer Bunny. I feel convinced I'll die before she does at this point. Longevity runs in her family, but she's the last man standing out of her whole family of 8 siblings and 2 parents. She has been dependent on dad for their whole marriage and now on ME since he's passed; she's never written a check, paid a bill, called a repairman, nothing. She stopped driving in her 50s for being 'too nervous' and OCD, so her lack of independence has been somebody else's problem forever. It's been mine now for the past 10+ years, since September of 2011 to be exact.

Yes, I'm envious of those who have independent elders for parents and/or those who's folks passed away with little to no fanfare and little obligation on the part of their children. Amen sister. I am only grateful to have made the decision NOT to take mom into my home from the get-go and to be a hands-on caregiver, b/c that would have destroyed ME and my marriage long long ago. Thank God for that, at least.

And Polarbear, I hear you on those who say how LUCKY we are that our mom's are still alive!!!! OMG I could scream! They have NO IDEA at all what it's like to watch someone suffer from advanced dementia and 100 other issues at 95 years old! Lucky my Aunt Tillie's arse.

Im also 55, caring for mom with moderate dementia and my inlaws watch her while I work p/t. Inlaws are 87 & 81 and in excellent health & im constantly wondering wth happened to my mom? How did she become this way...smh..how come she's not alert and active like the inlaws.....roll of the dice of life I guess....

Upstream wrote: "I am so jealous of people with independent elders. Can anyone relate?"

Oh, yes! I can relate. I miss the independent mother I used to have. Now she has Alzheimer's and needs almost everything done for her.

When someone says his/her parent(s) passed away, instead of feeling sorry for them, I feel relief.

And when someone tells me "oh, you're so lucky your mom is still alive", I just want to leer at them and say "you can have her if you want, and have some of my luck."

I get it. I spent 20+ years raising my kids, then when the last one went off to college, I was thrust straight into caring for my folks. My dad died in 2018 and my mom died last July, and now I'm finding I have no friends to speak of, no interests of my own, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the years I have left. I do know I don't want to be a lifetime caregiver, so I've got to figure out what interests ME.

Don't allow yourself to get lost in the middle of all this. You need to come first.

It's a human thing, wishing we were in someone else's shoes, especially when we're stressed to the max. I've found that kind of thinking just makes it harder to do what I need to do in my life.

As my grandmother would say, 'You can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest.' The sooner those jealous thoughts are squelched, the better.

For your health's sake, bring in support - companions and caregivers - for your mom. Forgive yourself for not remaining Mom's one and only, even if she won't.
One thing you'll find repeated on this site is the importance of getting support - for the caregiving and for the unhealthy thinking.

See what you can do to write your own story.

Upstream, I feel for you.

I remember your posts about the drinking, the fights and the drama, and I admire you for not just walking away.

Is mom still living close by you, alone?

Has she gone for grief counseling? Does she see anyone socially?

Has she ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? In the years from the start of my mom's decline until her death, it was a series of geripsychs who gave us the best guidance and kept US sane. (((Hugs)))).