My Mum is in a really lovely care home. But every time we call she says she wants to go back to her flat. She cries and shouts and says she would rather die than stay locked away. She says the only person she can talk to about it is me.
I am actually getting sick from this and finally today I told her Mum I can't do anything about it and 'hearing you cry makes me cry and I am ill at the moment, so can we please talk about something else.' She said she was sorry but then started again two seconds later. It is as if she is on a loop.
She is so blessed to have enough money to stay in a nice place where they feed and care for her. Apparently she refused bathing help until yesterday and now she is starting to allow it. She says she needs to talk to me about how awful it all is, that I am the only one who will listen. I am also the only one who takes it in to my soul and my body and who is being paralysed by this because I don't know what else to do. If she went back to her flat, she would complain about that too and would be much harder to manage as she would probably fire any helper several times a day, then collapse as she did before.
She also talks to friends and says my brothers and I never call, which is not true as we call every day. She says she is shut in her room all day, which is also not true.
I am not sure how to manage my own anxiety. I get anxiety pings whenever I contact her or hear from one of my brothers by email about her, which is every day. They are really sweet men who are more upset than they are letting on.
Calling my Mum is something I am coming to dread as she won't talk about anything but wanting to get out or wanting to die if she has to stay there.
My brother is, on the outside, tough. He says he won't discuss her leaving with her. Inside I know he is vulnerable too. We are all adopted - we had a happy adoptive family and our Dad died in May. She is missing him but refuses to read any grief lit. I know it helps as I lost my fiance to Covid two years ago.
I really do feel for her but I am beginning to think it is not her old apartment she is longing for, but her old life and independence, which, sadly, has gone as she has both Alzheimers and dementia, although I am not sure how advanced they are. I do wonder if they are more advanced than I realized and if this sort of behaviour is typical? Or if we are just wrong in wanting to keep her safe in this residential home.
She has always been in control of her life. Now she forgets even the names of the people who visited her an hour ago. She becomes rude and aggressive with us - her kids - although the care home staff say she is adjusting and doing well.
What is the best way to manage my own anxiety? She is 91 and in England. I live in the United States. I am a single Mom supporting two kids without the financial resources to keep going over to the UK. I went four times last year to see her and my Dad, who died in May. I am afraid of becoming iller.
This is my second post and you all were so helpful the first time I thought I would post again. With deep thanks,
This is normal. Even think about this sutaion for a completely normal person, at the most mild level it is being "homesick", then plus the loss of independence (or the sensation of a loss of independence). When I remember how badly I reacted to being homesick at different times in my life I realize that it is a larger sensation than we give it credit for when parents or grandparents who have needed to leave independent living end up "losing it" at some point. Yeah can blame dementia but *ANYONE* would be VERY UPSET. Logic and reason be darned. <3
Also I guess that when it is super hard for you to memorize new things, or remembering day to day is fuzzy due to one thing or another (dementia, MCI, general being-sick making it hard to focus or concentrate so, like, being brain-foggy, etc) then every day the fact that you don't remember where the cafeteria is, or how to use this new phone, or where your XYZ object ended up when you were moved, or what your new phone number is, or... etc. It's just a bit of a struggle, every day, to go through that. And if you're only a *little* forgetful.. you're going to forget the assurances that everything is fine but your brain is still generating fear chemicals.. neurochemicals for fear and stress and whatnot so the brain isn't going to forget the fear.
Again I try to imagine this sensation, and it isn't nice. She's in a new unknown place. And a week, eeek, I cried like a five year old my first week in college when I had to live on campus because I was scared, alone, anxious, etc. I wanted to go home! :D It didn't matter that I also wanted to graduate uni ;) so, that sort of homesick accompanying no longer *having a home to return to*... UGH. And then think that it renews every time she thinks of it because it is so hard to remember new stuff. Everything is staying unknown and scary. What's this noise? What's that noise? What is that light outside? Who is that person? Where is my XYZ? Did you pack ABC? Oh my god noone filed change of address!!! etc.
I wanna write more but I keep getting distracted <3 Just -- hang in there okay.? I can totally empathize with the panic/anxiety. Hibiscus/balm herb tea <3
Connect yourself with on going grief or other emotional, spiritual support services. Schedule at least 1x week sessions for a bit. Practice other self care such as massages, pedicure, exercise regularly, eat nutritionally, stay hydrated, other healthy social contacts and personal reflection, meditation, prayer and journaling time. Be sure to see your own physician for assessment physical and emotional.
Contact the facility where she is and have social services and chaplain/ pastoral support see her regularly.
Consider calling on limited basis for a bit until she has had bit more time to adjust to trusting her new surroundings.
It is not unusual at all for folks like your mother to have the guilt producing, anxiety provoking , stress inducing behaviors you describe.
If she starts this when you call,simply tell her you love her and you have to hang up and will call again. Or you can try redirecting the conversation. If it fails, kindly tell her you will call another time.
One story I will share: a friend's mother gave her grief about 'how awful' her lovely care home was every time she called or visited - for years. After Mom passed, she was in there cleaning out her room and person after person came by to tell her what joy her Mom was - how many friends she had and how active she was. Sometimes I think our parents are in a 'torture your kids' rut and can't get out of it.
Do not visit.
Learn how to manage your anxiety (read, do meditations, consider medication), exercise.
It isn't good for you or your mom to be in contact with her if / when you are getting anxiety attacks. Listen to them as they are giving you important messages / information (about your own health and health needs). This is a warning to you from yourself.
Google "How to manage anxiety attacks" - I would not take the medication route initially. I would focus on other self-care such as giving yourself space / a break / from your mom and see how you do. There are triggers here - perhaps from decades ago or when you were a child.
Therapy may help for you to look at / understand how and when they occur.
And, how you feel about your mother. You might feel very differently from the behavior you are exhibiting (i.e., you are doing something you REALLY REALLY do not want to do = be around her).
Gena / Touch Matters