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I'd. Suggest your freeloading nephew to take mom and dad to their appointments. There is senior service folks you could hire that could possibly help with transportation. Don't let yourself become a victim to others laziness. Good luck!
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Thomas,
You are in a tough situation. Some of us are natural caregivers or carry guilt that gets us in these positions. I have felt like I was going out of my mind bc not only was I doing everything, but my 4 sibs, all of whom live out of state, do not support me emotionally at all other than about 5 minutes if that of our bimonthly zooms. We have been a "nice" family and never had any issues, but they simply are not there for me even though I finally came out and directly explained where I was physically and emotionally and that I needed them to call me to support me. They did not and do not respond!!! I then realized that I had a choice to stay on the pity pot and be angry or find my support elsewhere. I am not able to comprehend how they can abandon me other than to believe that they just don't get it. I have wonderful children and friends who are there for me and check in with me often. I am slowly learning to set boundaries with my aunt on my own and to let go of the sense of responsibility I have taken on for her care. Like hiring an agency while she had a terrible uti for a month and was confused. to the point of calling the police at 4am to tell them that I hadn't returned from a walk. Telling her I was no longer going to do all the cleaning, shopping, running, total care of the house. I'm getting there but have a way to go. I'm determined not to cave and to take care of myself. I am also done sending the long reports via text to keep my sibs informed. Not one has checked in for an update. I am working very hard to maintain a good attitude and accept them where they are so that when this is all over we can have a good relationship. It's a delicate balance, isn't it?!
Now I have found this group and feel support already.
Good luck!
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
Pretty much the same here with my brothers. One isn't local, and now that I know he never truly lost his negative, abusive (physical and emotional) ways, I am thankful he isn't local. Haven't had any contact in over 2.5 years now other than an email last month to inform him that mom had a stroke. Other than "the check's in the mail" when the time comes, I plan NO other contact with him*. The other, days or longer can go by without a response to email or text. He even wears an apple watch, so there's no excuse. I maintained minimal contact with him, as he was needed for Mac Deg appts, 4x/year (if you listen to him, it was more like weekly!) Now that mom had the stroke (she's 97, in MC almost 4 years now), I've discontinued those treatments. She wouldn't be able to handle them. So, same as for other brother - when the time comes, here's your check, bye bye.

During the early days, before and after the move to MC, I got little help from them and a lot of crap. I found myself being angry and after some flak from both, started an email to each, to let them know how hateful and hurtful these things they said were and how having to "do it all" myself was impacting me. I would set these aside, come back later to update/edit, but eventually just left them in the draft folder. I got out what I needed to, and realized sending them would not only fail to improve anything, but would likely put them on the defensive, leading to offensive. So, I let it go. I do what I have to for mom's care and forget them.

*Recent contact with non-local brother's daughter (she's an only), she let me know that she hasn't had contact with him in a long long LONG time! After he was abusive during his last trip to "help", we had discussions and she revealed that she also has been victim to his abuse. I was glad we talked, as I could assure her that it was NOT her fault - this IS who he is! When we were still on okay terms, all I would hear from him was Molly this, Molly that. Molly is his 2nd wife's granddaughter. NOTHING ever about his own daughter. Sad.

BTW, my niece and I are not the only targets. He has no good words for MANY people, co-workers, various doctors and others, who he deems to be idiots. I've heard plenty of his disparagement of others. We just happened to be the only ones who likely dealt with the physical manifestations of his insecurities.
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This might help:
The American Cancer Society (ACS) has teamed up with Lyft to provide free rides for those battling cancer. It is part of the society's Road To Recovery program. The rides are available to and from treatments and are free of charge, courtesy of ACS. Can you ask the hospital about it or call and maybe there is a local chapter that can help. This should take some stress off.
or https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services/resource-search.html.

good luck
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Thomas, how are things going?
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been Thur this so here’s what happened to me. I’m the youngest sister I was abused by my mom as a child until I was 15 During family counseling I was told my real dad beat my mom raped her n i was conceived. I love my mom always have but I knew I was different. My step dad was always coming to my rescue. Haha. My mom became an alcoholic 2009 n we all 4 adults children all at the same time tried to get her into rehab but my stepdad refused it. 2010 We children were unable to admit her because my stepdad was married to her and we had no legal right. So that’s what the rehab and hospital told us. So when he had a stroke in 2011 I called ems n admitted her into rehab next day. Now my mom has been diagnosed yrs before with major depressed. I brought both parents to come live with me since I would be able to readmit her every time she relapsed. Which she did and I got her sober and my other siblings basically turned away and didn’t speak to her or him after leaving the rehab after getting denied. So rehab n continued visits n NA/AA along with no alcohol in the home worked great. I had POA for my mom and I thought everything was fine but then my parents convinced my oldest sister that I was not buying them sodas n snacks and I was being mean so they went to live with her. Not true I was minimizing them due to diabetes. And I’m not mean or disrespectful I’m timid when it came to my mom n had no reason to be rude to my stepdad. Anyways so now my oldest sister got POA for both. But I would continue to argue with both my sisters since they were given my mom alcohol and keep saying they were controlling it. So to buy out. Next thing I know they moved in with my middle sister later. Then later convenient me to get them into a apt for seniors. So I did. Didn’t realize that my mom was drinking again and had been stealing alcohol and money from my sisters that’s why she would move to the next child. Anyways about 3months later my stepdad has a stroke again and I found him on the floor had been there for 2 days. Since I’d check on them every 2 days. Called ems he was put In Hospital required to stay longer and get rehab. Now having to continue rehab and AA and 5day hospital detox over and over again with my mom. While visiting my dad at hospital he had the nurse bring in the notary to have a new POA made because he said he wants me in charge of him and my mom I said what about ur son my stepbrother shouldn’t he be in charge he said no I need u in charge of both of us. So the Notary came in and told us that we didn’t need a POA we needed something better because a regular POA is void after a new one is drawn up and if they die or become mentally incapable the POA is voided. So he Had us sign a 2 each
**“Durable Power of Attorney”** one for medical and one for other stuff like the homes and banks and more. A Durable Power of Attorney is still valid even after death or coma and dementia. So we were happy with it and my dad was too because he said ur sisters n my son are just gonna lock us up in a nursing home first chance they get. Worked great my mom 2 months later fell hit her head in the middle of the street while visiting my dad at the nursing home diagnosed her with dementia she had brain damage and had to relearn how to do a lot of things. I moved her I. With my middle sister since I had just had a car accident n couldn’t give 100% and I would go to my sis house 7am-6pm to care for my mom she had nights. Dad stayed in nursing home since he was stuck and needed men to help since now his body was curled up n in a wheelchair. Later my sister lost her job n she moved mom with oldest sister I told her to bring her to me but she didn’t listen. So after my dad got worse I was called in to pull the plug and my sisters n stepbrother got a little pissed when they found out about the new POA now he passed away and my oldest sister is leaving my mom home with my cousin who is working as my moms provider service. Red next answer it doesn’t fit.
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part 2- my cousin is sleeping while my mom is awake and my mom is wondering the streets leaving the doors wide-open,found drinking in the street in the rain and well more but my cousin is at fault but saying it’s my mom. Anyways my sister locks up my mom in nursing home and no one is allowed to take her out to eat or anything. We can visit her but that’s about it. We are stuck with our kids n her n her roommate at the nursing home n my kids are begging to take my mom to eat or just take her home to live with us. I requested that my sister remove the lock on her she didn’t listen, after many requests and advising that her actions are a family decision and she is not in charge and if she doesn’t remove it I will take my mom out. She didn’t listen because she’s oldest and she is in charge so she thinks. I delivered my durable medicalPOA and durable POA to nursing home and my mom was released into my custody. My sister thought that her POA she got after my mom had her dementia was valid she was shocked. Now that definitely did make my life hell but also better. My oldest sister wasn’t speaking to me. Now everything is great until my oldest son goes into kidney failure rare disease called Alpert’s does a domino effect on his health including his eyes n ears traveling to different cities because his rare disease needed specialists who knew of his disease. So then my mom is acting up she wants life to revolve around her. N I’m now caring for my mom with dementia my oldest son in kidney failure his horrible baby mom n my 8month old grandson I ended up caring for 90% of the time and my 7yr old son. I’m a single mom n finding ways to pay the bills since my sons health issues came first so credit card and savings are running out. My mom now decides to runaway and live with her stepmom my step gma who was good to me but she’s 76 yrs old with osteoporosis her daughter my moms stepsister who well lets just say should not be caring for anyone and has a big history of drug n street life after her kids died. She’s recovered but still not trustworthy she is gone 4days a week. So now my mom is missing and well I call the cops, I find out she’s there and I requested the cops come help me get my mom back home. Well cop now is not even trying to help me out because get this I don’t have full guardianship and not even a durable power of attorney can help me. He states because my mom is 18yrs n older she can live wherever she wants. I asked him to plz talk to me in private but he denied I told him I have all her hospital records in my truck n she is not allowed to be left alone she needs 24/7 care and I have documents he didn’t care. Fine if I leave her can he makes sure she gets to doctors appt at 2pm because she is bleeding from her Colostomy. He said NO! I said she doesn’t even have her bags she poops in or her meds or jacket n clothes how can she live here he told me to go home pick them up and Bring them to her. Are u f**ken crazy is what I wanted to say. But instead I say I cannot leave her her she is not safe they allow her to wonder and but alcohol and who knows they probably have drugs n she will leave and get lost my Gma can’t care for her and my aunt is gone 4 days in a row. I wasn’t rude or arguing or yelling at all. But i definitely was never told to Leave by my grandma but the cop kept telling my Gma if she wanted to press charges she kept saying no many times and then finally like after 8-10times after I asked for my moms ring she told him ok. He arrested me for trespassing but wait even worse he very rough with me n I’ve never been arrested and has me in the air my left hand comes out the cuff n he’s pissed starts yelling picks me up n slammed me on my back. Im injured. He kept saying I’m lying n faking. Long story my hands are blue n I can’t walk or move my hands. After released I call APS they allowed my mom to stay n help them with drs n meds n more. 5th May I get letter stated they found nothing wrong close case. Goto part 3
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Part3 APS closes case but April 20th I get a call from hospital asking how my mom is doing thank god I submitted the durable POA to all hospitals but for future submit them into the courts as well it will help more. But remember guardianship is the only way a cop won’t turn u down!!! So I call my Gma n mom they had been in a accident my mom was hospitalized with a head injury unconscious they didn’t buckle her seatbelt and my Gma has Fractured ribs and a broken hand. So I came over to assist and found out in feb my mom had 2 fractured ankles and hadn’t bathed or brushed her teeth, my aunt was spending both there SSDI checks n leaving them home a lot. My mom lost 40pounds in 4 months. I’m really injured still n my mom wants to come home. After taking her to SSDI to make a statement of how she was cooking bacon n egg since that’s all she could make and eating only chips my Gma was eating microwave food every day. But she had no money for a pedicure for her May birthday. She came home with me a week later. I told her I cannot care for u anymore and I need help. My sister is now saying that I deserve what happened because I should have left her locked up. And deal with it myself, I need help mentally physically emotionally. After a few months I fight to my mom in hospital n demand they find a nursing home for her cuz I can’t function. I’m visiting her taking her food but A few months later I’m being evicted and it’s time to get my mom or leave her cuz her insurance ran out. So under my nose my sister removed her. I’m fine with it but irritated since she didn’t help me months ago. I’ve struggled to press charges on officer but department would make reasons to not let me make statements 4months finally police chief was aware and never called Back to reschedule video interviews. Now with Medicaid Superior my MRIs have been denied 6times requested by different specialists too. Attorneys stated they will help but bring MRIs n they will take my case. I requested videos of injury from police but they required my Gma to sign notarized statements releasing video. But my aunt locked up my Gma in a nursing home and won’t allow me or a lot of other family members to know where she is at or visit her. Especially I’m sure she got pissed when I took my mom to SSDI to have her reported. So I could understand why she’s mad but she has allowed my grandma health n family to not have any contact. My Gma is not happy I’m very sure of that. I’m one of her favorite granddaughters and even after I took my mom home she still called me over. But was told she was left alone in apt with no phone for 2 months and then put in hospital shortly after they locked up at nursing home. As for my mom she’s living with my sister still n ok both my sister finally got over it. N now helping me with random stuff n helping watch my kids while I go to hospital n drs. My oldest still in kidney failure waiting for transplant. Got my apt after living in a shelter n getting mental help n physical is finally getting treatment it took 3yrs to get my first MRI after Case management for mental health ended up changing insurance n I ended up being hospitalized after my legs gave out n ended up in a walker. So far 8 Vertebrates Missed up having injections and then surgery, two major ones in my neck two major ones in my lumbar still waiting for thoracic mri. Cop Injury Jan 2017, my 2016 mri believe shows only 2 discs missed up.
2012 car accident mri 4 herniated disc 2cervical very minor n 2 in lumber. Many times before my injury I asked my sisters to split up my mom 1week each n I would take her 2 weeks as a set schedule because she wants to be with us all. They denied it. Cancer doesn’t mean he is not able to make decisions. he still might have the power to give u Durable POA especially over himself. ur mom has a mental disability is she mentally capable he might also be able to give u both POA. My Gma had everyone taking advantage of her Goto part 4
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Thomas,
You certainly cannot handle all of the care needed for your parents alone. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. I highly recommend hiring a caregiver either private or through an agency. They can help and take parents to the many doctor appointments. If HIPPA forms are signed each doctor can communicate freely with you. You cannot make your sisters do more than they are willing. I would expect the grandson living with them to complete a list of household chores or else move. Can the sisters help pay for caregivers or at least have groceries delivered and meals? Ask them to decide how they can help without physically being there.
I am the oldest of four, both brothers estranged from parents, sister critically ill in hospital from covid she had in Dec. I had to hire help but it was still exhausting managing everything. Dad passed but now I used home delivery for everything, groceries, meds and household items.
Please message me and I can give more information.
We live in Jax, Fl.
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part4 make sure the are not her payees that is a major major issue with people who live for free. U can be her payee from a different city as long as u make sure money is accessible for food n other Necessities. You can make sure all her bills are paid on your side. Or you can call SSDI/SS I and request them to give a PAyee from their company and put a lock on it from getting transferred to a random person or family member. Someone took my mom to the Social Security office and transferred her SSDI in there name as her payee. Then a couple years later a distant relative took her took her to change her drivers license address that became an issue as well and I hope that the laws would be changed for people with dementia or mental disabilities because it’s very easy to change over their payee paycheck if there address is the same as there ID, As long as they are with them at ssi office they can transfer SSDI/SSI in their name.

And if ur mom n dad own a home in Texas if they get provider services from Disabled Aging n Development DADS they are single and are able to live n keep the home if they are caring for them when they pass. is what I read for a friend of mine.

So have a living will drawn up its ur best option. If ur gonna pay anyone to care hire from a company because family who lives in home definitely needs a break and DADS does offer care to provide family time for themselves. And also can provide daycare like a center for ur mom to go spend time away from home and has shuttle service. They offer discounts as well. Make sure u play nice with mom get her Durable POA especially on financial because u don’t want her to be taking advantage of those not employed or living for free. Have copies of all drs n SSDI n medical and any other things like bills n more be also sent a copy to ur address to make sure nothing is going wrong. I did it with my mom had her credit reporting and more sent to me and found her credit being used and that is fraud. Had a friend who family home was signed over to her provider she had for years literally family wasn’t aware but since she had access to the home n everything inside they changed over the home after dad passed and couldn’t provide proof because all documents were destroyed and document in court files important paperwork. I’m sure I got more info but that’s all I can remember right now. Hopefully I can get a Attorney to open up a certain Circumstance case for my injuries but also I’m hoping to find my Gma because I love her and want her to know that I’m looking for her and I care. Especially because locking the elderly up away from families is wrong even if some people have taken advantage of them like lowlifes but as long as they are not removed from nursing home I see no reason why family can’t visit. I’m not on the side of those cousins n aunts that have taken advantage of her n my mom but I know my Gma and she loves all of us and she never pushed anyone out her life yes she stopped helping them but never stopped caring about them. So it hurts to know she has so much family who would love to buy her food or visit but no one will say anything n have there circle of allowed people. But she had 9kids 1 stepdaughter my mom but my grandpa adopted 5 of her other kids so we definitely are apart of her, I told my sister if mom needs to be in a nursing home I wanna put them together so at least they have eachother but of course my sister won’t go out her way to look for my Gma cuz they were close. N Im working on my SSDI so it’s hard to care for elderly. Please do all that u can pick them up keep them for a weekend I did when my sisters had my mom n dad. But never did they do it for me. It wasn’t fair. Split up chores bill paying groceries shopping drs appts taking care of setting up funeral before death. Take care of wills n trust, deeds, take over payees and have auto drawn rent n bills taken then give weekly allowance to make sure funds last. Birthcet n wills n docs in bank. Or attorney
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You are not alone. Not that it helps but my brother and I are having the same problem. We alternate staying with my mon who is 87. She is declining and managed to get her into a beautiful and expensive place. She actually suggested it an now is digging in a refusing to go. What makes it even more challenging is my mother (I loathe to actually say it) is NOT a nice person, never has been. Caustic, negative, narcissistic (very) and very very difficult to deal with. When my dad was alive he bore the brunt. No wonder he drank. But he was an enabler and she behaved any way she wanted to 55 years. She continues that behavior and there is lots and lots of tension. She has all her mental faculties audit cannot be excused as aging. She has ALWAYS been this way. My brother gave up a very lucrative job she she wouldn't be alone when my dad dies 5 years ago. My wife passed suddenly at 43 so I moved to give him some relief. I have been here six months and at my breaking point. Obviously my brother has far more patience than I do. The other overwhelming aspect is the we just don't like our mother. We have discussed this many times. We are committed to doing the "right" thing as sons but gritting our teeth has become a constant challenge. She has been dreadful as long as we can remember. She was deliberately unkind to my wife and still to my brothers wife who visits intermittently out of duty but we try not to subject her to it. Our mother is intentionally unkind her. You simply cannot change a narcissist. I hate to say it but we are eager that she go somewhere so we can regain some semblance of lives without her in them daily
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Jasmina Nov 2020
Maybe getting someone to do it for you, or give you a break might help. My mom was very difficult too. But she would turn on the charm for outsiders. They loved her. Was night and day difference. And they have a visitor/audience. Its always about them. Maybe they can wear a mask and socal distance?
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Part5 a few things now having seen my injuries take over my life both sisters have come together and see my side of love and care and sharing and giving breaks my middle sister picks my mom up a lot takes her to eat or keeps her for a few days as for my younger brother he has other important people who needs him but he continues to pick up my mom for church and has always been on my side and agreed with me but disabled baby has his family 99% busy. After my oldest sis threw my injuries in my moms face and yelled at me to tell her she did this to me I still refused to say that to my mom but my mom knows I’m hurt and helps me with rubbing my back or even makes me food it’s cute because my sis yells at her saying u don’t even make ur self food why u make her food. I laugh and say cuz now she loves me more not y’all anymore. My mom n I became very close after I became a teen mom. My sis’sn bro had a great childhood and I was abused but I got help and so did she it finally helped her and I see why family counseling was the best thing we ever did together.as an adult I have never yelled at her and since 17 when I had my son she has never yelled or hit me once. I respect my mom n even though she was like a child for a while and had to relearn many things like how to eat and walk I was there by her side helping her. She got better but never got 100% so she when my sis would yell n fight with her they didn’t understand why she was listening to me as I spoke to her like a child with concerns n love and told her things like I don’t want to be scared for her and I don’t want other people to hurt her and take from her but most important I want her to be alive and see her grandkids grow. She b****es at my sis’s I’m now 40yrs old she still has not yelled or anything at me since 17yrs. She knows that even though I’m injured I will never allow anyone to lock her up unless it’s a family decision.she will will have visitors n be able to go eat if she is put in a nursing home. My sis’s are finally agreeing because I told them I love mom enough to get arrested didn’t think I’d get hurt but I did I don’t blame her for it and i will do it again all over if I had to but instead I would have either gotten guardianship first or demanded APS show up ASAP before allowing the cops to arrest me. Maybe give ur sis who was abused the option to be in control of ur mom since they speak often. I’m sure if she speaks to her she probably doesn’t hate her. Be a team and decide what is benefiting all members but also get input from each member of what they want to happen. This way u get to plan out who gets what and who has the best interest for there safety n well-being. Get info and put in on paper and allow ur dad to be involved if possible he knows what he wants I’m sure. Don’t allow others to decide for him. Unless he doesn’t care what happens then he is not mentally capable. Get involved with medical drs have some say. Especially to get notified and be allowed to get info from drs if u were to call. That’s a major one. If u want what is best get involved before others take control or u have to stand back n watch the horror helpless. I had to with my Gma. Have family involved but mostly for keeping company if possible that is the best thing so rides to drs n shopping are not a big deal get providers or if family members want to be paid become payee n pay them with ur parents money, use ur money for outside help don’t pay family direct. Have them sign up for providing services but they can easily not do the job or hrs because they are there it’s easy for them to clock in an out n scam the system. Damand a stranger who works for agencies. Maybe even change them out every few months or so so u know it’s not a friend who is the provider.ur parents are probably giving out money like my Gma did to anyone who asked n anyone who stayed n spent time. Ask for Receipts. Take ur dad to SSI become his payee so he is taken care of. Ask dad if u can take over n go. Removemom
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Thomas, one thought I have--why not ask your parents, especially your mother, what it is that they are saving their money for? If they want to leave an inheritance, that makes it a little better, but realistically they should be spending THEIR money for THEIR needs, and depending upon how long they live and in what shape they're in, the money may be depleted anyway. However, if they expect you to spend YOUR money on them (as opposed to using it to support your own family) but have no intention of leaving you an inheritance if anything is left, then this is simply evil, and is narcissism in its purest form. (Perhaps they want to give it the 21 y/o "prince"?)
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Thomas, stop. Just stop. You are like the frog in water. At first it was just a few things and now the water’s boiling and your need to help is affecting your family.

Take a breath, get a pen and paper and write down exactly what you are willing to do for your parents that will preserve your family and your sanity. Then ask your sisters the same question and write down their answers. Now, take another page and write down all the things your parents apparently need that they don’t have. That includes legal things like POAs, wills, etc. in addition to home maintenance and health care.

Finally, compare the two lists and the mismatch represents what someone else needs to do. Can these things be done by a home caregiver, an elder attorney, meals on wheels, care transport, etc. or are there other options. See if your sisters will help finding the resources. Then tell your parents exactly what their options are. Let them decide, but stick to your plan. If they refuse, as is their right, and you remain concerned for their welfare, contact Social Services and let the system decide. Even then, don’t let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your life and your family.
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jacobsonbob Nov 2020
Excellent analogy, VeronicaJo!
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The only thing I would add to this useful information is this: you CANNOT change anyone but yourself. This can be very freeing when you truly understand what it means.
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Thomas, perhaps you need to rethink your own role in this. You cannot control what others do, whether your sisters, your nephew or (most importantly) your father and your mother. You cannot make your parents ‘safe and happy’. They are going to die eventually, so saying you could not ‘live with myself should something happen to either of my parents’ is not sensible. Many deaths are precipitated by something going wrong (eg a fall), even if there is much more intensive care than you could ever provide.

You and your sister are propping up dependence, not independence. Your sister feels she can’t cope, you and your wife aren’t going well. This will get gradually worse. Where is your father in this? If he is not in intensive cancer care, living with cancer doesn’t mean that he can’t make sensible decisions. Mental illness or not, why is your mother being allowed to call the shots? Because she always has? Are your parents tolerating the nephew to keep your sister in the loop, and your sister is in the loop to provide accommodation for your nephew? When you feel that things are breaking down, you are probably already past the point where change is due.

Perhaps you, your wife and your sister need to talk through what is workable , as suggested already. It would help your marriage to ask for wife about options for change – if you have been resistant to change, you have probably ignored or criticised her comments so far. When you work things out, you present the options to your parents. If they won’t accept any of them, you back off. Wait for the crisis. It could be the only way.

In the meantime, see if you can get the paperwork in order – HIPPA, wills, POA. If your parents won’t co-operate, you have proof positive that you have no power, no rights, no influence, and that you can’t do the ‘safe and happy’ outcome. Back off until something happens to force a change.
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So why is the abused daughter (by the parents) living in their house with her son? If she was abused why live there to take more abuse? Seems sort of convenient in a way. She gets to live there, but not do anything bc she is abused? Something isn't right with that equation.
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Just because your parents had you does NOT obligate you to be their caregivers. We were not asked to be put on this earth. That's on them. It sounds like your parents need to be in assisted living facility or home. Please do not destroy your life for them.

If your parents are on medicaid, it will be easy to put them in a nursing home with a doctor's order. However, there also may be services Medicaid has to offer like transport. Talk to a social worker.
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