We are in our 30s and until recently, my MIL lived with my husband and I for a little less than ten years. It was supposed to be temporary, but over time, it was clear she wasn't leaving. She recently moved out for a short period of time, during which she began showing signs of dementia. She is hallucinating and paranoid. She has always been extremely needy and demanding of my husband's time, but she now says that she needs him there with her all of the time because she's paranoid. But she will not take anxiety medication. She will not enter long-term care and will not move in with my husband and me. My husband is contemplating moving to her place. As I said, we are in our 30s, need to work, and have our own lives too. She is newly diagnosed and this could go on for years. How do I kindly suggest that bringing in care is the better solution than him moving in with her indefinitely?
If he moves in with her, he has made it clear who his priority is and it is not you.
You are too young to be involved with all her craziness, she could live another 20+ years and you will have wasted your life on two people who could care less about you and your happiness or marriage for that matter.
The red flags are waving right in your face, pay attention.
That does not equate to doing it all himself, however. How is Mom going to be safe and cared for when he works all day -- by caregivers, I assume? Well, if that's the solution, then we get caregivers 24 hours a day, notjust during the day, because Hubs has to recharge for work the next day, not to mention to the obvious point that he has a wife and his own home to go to.
Now, in-home caregivers are insanely expensive and frankly, unreliable and not great with dementia patients in general, so let's get practical here. Memory care will enable her to live where she's not looked upon as a "sick person," but rather where she'll have attention geared to cognitive stimulation for her. They will be there 24/7, they will deal with her medical issues as they arise, but activities, conversation, and stimulating music are the primary focus in Memory Care. It's actually quite refreshing to visit one and to see how unlike a traditional nursing home they really are.
Because of her cognitive issues, Mom no longer gets to make the decisions here, and it's time for her son to switch roles with her and be the gentle yet firm decisionmaker now.
I hardly think this situation is leading to divorce and red flags quite yet, but like most men, it sounds like your husband just wants to fix the issue himself rather than research the BEST remedy instead of the quickest one. At best, he's proposing a Band-aid solution that'll fall apart within weeks, if not sooner.
As a paid caregiver, even though I'm supposed to be professional about it, but overly needy individuals drive me nuts. I'm looking for jobs outside of the field and may probably go back to one or two weekends a month if need be for my own sanity. My savings is dwindling since I've been on sick leave, but I'm still up in the air about being responsible for another individual.
Don't give up your home, finances, or security. You are going to need your job security and your home should be your's to come home to without worrying about someone who will be a burden to you.
I'm always sad to hear of anyone leaving the healthcare field as so many have in this post-Covid world. I do hope that you continue your CEUs and retain your licensure/certification because you are so very much in need.
I started as a CNA and then went for my RN and loved working in the field. Oddly, the very needy and demanding pts were among my favorites, maybe because I took it as a challenge to anticipate every need and try to stay a step or two ahead of the demands.
Anyways, know that you're needed and that if you remain in the field, you stand to make increasing earnings as the shortages become more acute. You might also consider talking to HR at any hospital and get signed up for them to pay for your RN schooling in exchange for their paying your RN tuition while working for them and a contract to stay on for 2-3 years as an RN.
Things have reached that critical level where you hold some cards that could lead to professional licensure and an actual living wage that one can comfortably raise a family on. And as an RN, you have so much more say in the care of your patients. Anyways, as a retired RN who loved the job and the many people and families I cared for, I hope that you consider staying in and moving up in the healthcare field.
Best -
First step could be to back off for a while and ask APS for a check. Is she capable of living alone?
You and your husband both have 10 years experience of doing what M wants and getting it wrong. It’s time to back off and leave assessments to people who will get it right!
* Husband will never move in with his Mother *
If he does, he ceases being a HUSBAND. He will be his Mother's man-servant.
We can backtrack later with tips how to have him to join the dots to get his thinking there.
What kind of marriage is that? He can't handle alone what you are describing. Managing the kind of care she needs at home is not realistic in this situation. Have an intervention with both of you and her doctor in attendance. All of you tell her that she needs memory care. She cries and weeps and wails and threatens, but you all stand firm. You cannot let a demented person (i.e., out-of-her-mind sick old lady) run your lives, ruin your marriage and tell everyone what to do. You're not doing her any favors by prolonging this. She needs help. Now. Good luck with this sad state of affairs, I'm very sorry you are dealing with it.
You are young and can NOT get sucked in to this! No way.
He needs to say "sorry, mom, I couldn't possible do that." He does not need to explain reasons. Just no.
What he can do is help her get the help she needs. She doesn't have to like it. That's ok. But she is not allowed to ruin your lives and your marriage. Unless he allows it then, it is what it is.
If she can afford around the clock care, great. Sign her up. Otherwise, she should be in some kind of facility. Assisted living? Memory care? Nursing home? IDK for sure but they will evaluate her to see what is appropriate. Especially places that have all 3 levels of care available, will eval and decide where she fits.
Again, she doesn't have to like it. And you hubby needs to toughen up and accept that mom is going to fight this BUT it is for the best for all 3 of you.
Another approach to consider, maybe.
A male friend went through this. Wife moved in with her Mother. It was supposed to be just rehab support after hosptial, but blew out to months, declining steadily. He's a patient man. Said I'll wait a few months - then we must reassess & get a longer term plan for your Mother. She passed away & they were pleased they did what they did.
However, the life limiting but not immenently terminal nature of dementia is a very different kettle of fish. It is not working during the day & just being there to make the dinner & tuck into bed. It becomes 24/7 supervision, assistance & then full nursing care. It can be YEARS.
Find a good time to discuss this with your husband. What does he know about Dementia? What kind of support he could give *realistically*. Then match it with what MIL needs. There will be a gap. That gap will keep widening. It needs to be filled with others besides him. A village of helpers.
Honestly, some would-be Supermen do need to go live it to learn it. If this is your man - hand him his cape. Call it Plan A. (I've heard it called *trial of care* by Social Workers).
This option allows your husband to really feel & KNOW he did all he could for Plan A. (Rather than being told by you or pressure from you not to go). Then he moves on to Plan B...
It can be messy, expensive & extremely stressful. But it's another option to consider if you want.
You've already given 10 yrs of your marriage to his needy mother and enough is enough. If he does choose her and her needs over yours, then you've no true marriage and you need to read the writing on the wall.
I'm sorry for your marriage if he chooses life with mother over having a married life with you, but many marriages fail and in your 30s, you can start over again. You very likely need time to heal and recover from the low scale trauma of 10 yrs given to his aging mother, but you can be whole again, all on your own.
If he decides mother over marriage, serve him with divorce papers to make it formal and move on.
You deserve to be loved and cherished, not set aside for a demented, needy elder.
THAT is the question to pose to your husband and see what the answer is. That answer will determine the future of your marriage.
I hope he has the right answer and your marriage stays on track.
Your husband should know what dementia looks like and how it progresses; what he's in for moving forward, also. For him to believe he alone can be the answer to his mother's future care is to suggest he has no idea what he's in for. Literally.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Insist that DH read this brief article and then see what he has to say. I had my mother in Memory Care AL for 3 years when her dementia became moderate; best idea ever. Why? B/c she had doctors and nurses ON SITE to treat her for whatever issue arose on the SPOT (including the infamous UTIs that she had ONCE in all the 7 years she was living in managed care!). Caregivers working 24/7 in shifts to accomplish what your DH thinks he can do alone, while working a full time job? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
Best of luck.
You may just have to let him go. He must also understand, that he cannot quit his job because he has financial responsibilities to you that need to be met. Just make him realize that the care of his Mom is all on him. If he quits his job to care for her, your job will not support him and you to.
Really, how well has this marriage gone with Mom living there. You get your ducks in a row. Don't lose what you have worked for because of her. But also, don't hold on to what you cannot afford to keep. If he picks Mom over you, then I would count the marriage over. If he is moving in hoping to get her care or get her into Longterm care, there maybe hope for your marriage. Take it slowly for now and see where things go.
You are both in your 30s. This disease can last for 20 years, or longer. Just be prepared for this to go on for a long time!
Whether you bring in aides to help her or put her in a memory care facility, the cost of care is outrageously expensive. Does she have the funds or some type of insurance that will cover the cost of providing care? Would your MIL qualify for Medicaid? When I had to find caregivers for my mom, I found the range to be $32-$50 an hour and this is not for a CNA. They also don’t touch meds, can only remind a person to take them. These are things you need to know about. Contact your local Department of Aging for more info.
My 2 siblings and my Aunt are all involved in some capacity of support in the situation. There are plans in place that were considered with both of my parents before my dad passed away and we are working to that goal and taking things as we can bc medical tx is important and it is important to finish all we can here with doctors my mom trusts. (As much as she trusts anyone...)
Alot has happened in the last 18 months and while I'm no expert on my mom's illness, I am 100x's moreso than when we embarked on this adventure. There is no homehealth care where we live to speak of, and it is a shame. It is a very rural state and care is expensive. She does well for short periods of time on her own and ADT is an amazing tool.
My husband has been here to visit with the boys 4 times in the past year and we went home 2 times. So much is different but we are making it work. We didn't ask for any of these life changes but to us, we met the challenges our parents faced with love and the support we have been able to put forth and it was our choice to bless my parents this way. It isn't easy, as my dad mentioned it wouldn't be. I've seen my mom be frustrated with losing different freedoms and not understanding some changes in her life because her dementia won't allow her brain to understand or recall different, important things. l have learned I take my memory and brain function for granted and have learned to simply be present with her for like I hope will be done for me if I face this one day. We have had 3 grandbaby girls born back home in the last year. I miss our other 7 children and their growing families of 8 other grandbabies immensely. There really are no good words to describe the loss we feel not being together as it was and will be again.
I wrote this because someone may gain something from this brief description of what we have made out of a situation noone knew would come along. We could have placed mom in a home but that's not where our hearts are. Difficulties come and go. Watching my mom's face light up at the various parts of the deer herd that stop in her back yard, or the bunnies... so sweet. Watching her stand and ponder what memories may come and go as she looks out her north window at this mountain my parents raised us on and know she feels at peace in the home she and our dad made with their love for us is beyond words. It is in that where I find my peace.
She will only decline further until her care completely consumes both of you. Best to get her into a facility near you where you can visit lovingly and others — a team — can deal with the day to day care, which will continue to require more and more effort. And the sooner the better for her to get adjusted and create her own life there. Your husband does not owe her his. And saying “no” to completely unreasonable selfish demands—seemingly designed to sideline you—does not mean he is not a loving son. He obviously is. He could probably use some brief counseling to help him get clarity on the situation from a neutral party.
It occurs to me the above is about your husband’s choices. But he has not written to us. You have. And you only have control over what you do. I would focus on that. Know what you can and cannot do and lovingly tell your husband. The rest will be up to him.
Wishing you the future you and your husband deserve.
I say this because you never know what life is going to throw at you. A friend, in her 50s, just lost a husband to a heart attack. They were getting ready to go out, he walked into the living room and had a heart attack that killed him. And you, as Mom gets worse its going to be 24/7 care. How can u do that with 3 minor children to care for who need a parent. There does come a time when trying to transport a person suffering from Dementia is very very hard. Incontinence being the main problem. Don't wait till too late.
Couple's therapy could help immensely.
If you have children, then your children absolutely need your husband more than your MIL needs him to live with her. There are many mental health issues in young adults associated with abandonment by a parent. And, yes, your husband is abandoning his children by living with mom. Your MIL can have a happy life living in an AL that cares for residents with memory needs. I cared for my parents at home with a young daughter. My daughter kept coming in second because of the safety needs of my parents. As hard as I tried to do the right things for my daughter, my parent's needs ALWAYS interfered. Five years after my Dad passed away, I moved Mom into a care home. It took some adjustment, but she really enjoyed being around her peers.
I highly recommend that you and your husband get counseling before making a decision. Your husband is in a tough situation trying to meet the opposing needs of the people he loves.
Your MIL should be consulted about what choice she would make among living situations that are ON OFFER. No one gets to choose where your DH lives except him.
So it doesn’t matter what she wants. What matters now is what she needs. Anyone delusional and paranoid cannot live alone, it’s not safe. And she certainly doesn’t get to move into your home and inflict that onto your children. Your husband also can’t move in and help her.
Is your husband a medical professional? Because that’s what she needs, at this point in her life. She needs 24/7 care, not someone who leaves to go to work (because she can’t be left alone). She needs a structured environment, with medical staff who can control her delusions and paranoia. Her health needs are now beyond what you and/or your husband can give her in a home environment.
She won’t like it, she’ll pitch a fit because everyone does. That’s ok, it’s where she needs to be to get the help and care she now needs.