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All because she won't leave her house? Her husband died of cancer this past July. She has lived in this small town(2 hours from our home)  all her life and doesn't want to leave, but she is so frail that she never leaves the house on her own. She won't let people from church help. She won't let ME help because I am not a cleaning nazi like her. My husband has one brother but due to health issues he ius unable to help at all. I know as Christians we are to care for our parents, but shouldn't they give a little? It is all about her. She feels she provided care for others when she was younger, and now it is her turn. OK, but those people lived with her. Why can't she see she should move in with us?

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Either option would probably be a disaster. You want a cleaning n@zi in you house? Let us know how that works out for y'all. You guys need to tough this out. Read all the horror stories on this forum about taking in elderly grouchy and stubborn parents.

My parents also refuse any help. I do what I can but I'm not going to give up my life to care for them for the next God knows how many years. And I certainly don't expect my wife to take this on. There will be a crisis that forces the issue with them and that's the way this usually goes.
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Whatever happens, make sure that hubby does NOT quit his job. I have information on another computer and I will post it here later as to the downfall of quitting one's job.

The way I look at this, your Mom-in-law is making a clear minded decision not to move out of her house, thus she needs to take full responsibility of that decision. Thus, she will need to continue to live by herself.

Usually it takes a crises before our parent(s) have a wake-up call that they really do need help and need to be living elsewhere. A team of wild horses couldn't budge my parents from their house or having people come in to help them, and here they were in their 90's.... and I refused to even thing about moving in [they never asked] as I still needed to keep my career going so that I would have enough for my own retirement.

I will get back to you later.
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Yes, quitting a job? You guys wealthy? If not, that's just sooooo nuts.........
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It says " honor your father and mother". Not "leave your wife to provide hands on care for your parents". Have hubby talk to his minister.
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As Christians, spouses come before parents - leave and cleave... Agree with babalou - have hubs talk with your minister.

Agree with the others - no one should give up a job to care give their parent unless they are well set up for their retirement. I retired at 73 as the demands of a job and caregiving mother were too much for me, BUT, I was very well set up for my retirement as I had worked well past usual retirement age and I was a distance care giver.

Your mil is refusing help from others in a power play to get your hub to move in with her. Don't fall for it. Have him read the responses here and also other stories of similar situations. Do NOT offer her to move in with you - she would want to rule your roost and it would rapidly become intolerable for you.

There are other alternatives. As ff and windy have said - sometimes you have to wait for a crisis before the elders will accept changes. So be it. It is her choice. She needs to experience the consequences of her choices and not have your hub cave in to her. Have you thought about counselling for the two of you? I wonder how much of a priority his mother has been to your hubs all along - or is this a new thing? Quitting your job to go live with your aging mother is pretty drastic, Many men would run 10 miles in the opposite direction from that situation.
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Need to be PRO-ACTIVE, not REACTIVE.
Mr. Husband sir: With all due respect, and speaking as Christians respecting God's Word, your wife comes first. You "leave...and Mother and stick to your wife".
Another valid principle is HONOR your...Mother.
You cannot be in 2 places at once.
Mom lives 2 hours away.
Your job. Too many implications to list, get your tax guy, bank guy, financial counselor to explain the repercussions of quitting a job at this time.
Mom is throwing you into panic mode.
Resist the urge to drop it ALL and run to her side.
Think about the whole thing as if it were happening to a friend, and tell me, what would you advise your friend to do? I'm super concerned about what you decide and HOW MUCH WILL IT HURT YOUR WIFE.
Respectfully,
M88
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I'm desperately waiting for that CRISIS, that will take my FIL to hospital, when I can Refuse to bring him back to our home! Please make it be Today!
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Anxiouswife59, DO NOT BRING HER INTO TO YOUR HOME, I REPEAT, DO NOT BRING HER INTO YOUR HOME! This would be the Absolute Worst thing that you could ever do! After 12 years of having my FIL age in my home, he is now 86, and declining rapidly. I am completely fed up, and am ready to walk away, despite my Loving my husband to no end! But I'm at my breaking point, and have realized it, so now the pressure is on to help my husband come to a decision on how to proceed. I honestly don't think my husband would like to even have caregivers come into our home to help, as he is a very private person, and I know he would hate it! So that obviously leaves, my FIL, having to go to assisted living, or a nursing home. The time is coming nearer and nearer, and am just waiting for the crisis to hit, that may be my salvation. I think I may be needing to go to stay with one of my sisters for a couple of days, as I'm about to implode, and can feel my BP rising, which is not a very good feeling, and is quite worrisome. Please think of every possible option, before he quits his job, which could spell disastrous to you both! Your marriage is Way more important, than his mother, who has already lived here life. Don't let her take yours!
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Ok, I am back... here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
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freqflyer, that fit in perfectly to what I was about to write. Anxiouswife, what your MIL is asking your husband to do is give up everything he has and potentially face a life in poverty in old age so she won't face the inconvenience of having to move. She may have provided care for them as kids, but they were a lot smaller and a lot more fun. It was a lot easier to put them in daycare and school or send them out to play. And when kids are bad you can spank their bottoms without someone calling APS. It is a totally different thing. When parents say that the kids owe it to them, it is just emotional blackmail and very unfair.
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I have to add the kids do owe care to their parents, but it is care that makes sense for everyone involved. Perhaps that is home care, but it could also be an independent of assisted living facility nearby.
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Wow! Has your marriage always been this unstable? Your husband thinks he can just quit his job and walk away? Wow!
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anxiouswife, I truly hope your hubby comes to his senses, they usually do.
Let him think it is his idea by not discussing it too much.
Hard to do, but it works.
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I agree with the others who advise against your husband quitting his job to take care of his mother full time, but I would suggest a conciliatory approach to dealing with his concern and anxiety.

I'm sure he's torn between what he feels is his obligation to his mother and his obligation to his job and to you and your marriage. So sympathize with him, feel sorry for him, support him to recognize that quitting his job would be disastrous for him, you and your marriage.

Try to work with him to help him recognize that she's made a choice, that it takes conciliation on the part of all when an elderly parent needs care, but she's not willing to make any concessions. That's a clue of what's to come.

My initial thought was tell him if he leaves to take care of his mother, he can leave for good, but then I realized how torn he must feel, and taking an arbitrary position could push him closer to her.

Find some time to spend with him doing something relaxing, perhaps a meal out, quiet long walk, or just a quiet evening, and share your concerns, as well as the reports and stories of those here who have been through this.

I hope you're able to find a middle ground to support him and help him realize that he would be committing himself to her for the rest of her life, and despite his love and sense of obligation, there will come a time when he feels differently.

Tgengine is a poster here; he's a man who didn't quit his job, but brought his father to live in his home. If you have some time, read his first posts, his positive approach then, then skip to his most recent posts expressing his frustration.
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Thanks for all the comments. I do want to get my husband to go with me and talk to our minister. To the person who suggested my marriage is rocky, let me assure you that is not the case. His mother is just a master manipulator, and he feels caught in the middle. We married in our mid 30s and yes, we are right in the middle of the crunch I hear people talking about--3 kids in college right now. He says he doesn't WANT to leave but doesn't know what else to do. I'm hoping that a talk with our minister will help him see that this is her problem. She's even said stuff like: Well, maybe I'll trip and break my neck and die and then you won't have to worry about me. That jack doesn't work with me because my mama was a pro at that stuff, and I finally learned to turn it back on her by saying, well yeah, mama, that would be great, that would save me a lot of trouble. Never argue with a manipulator--but my husband is too tender hearted. Thanks for this forum. It makes me know I am not alone!
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It sounds like your husband is too easily manipulated by his mom. I hope the minister reminds your husband who he is and is not married to. Moms like her can be very strong in the power of the F.O.G, that is Fear, Obligation and Guilt with which they manipulate and control their adult children. I think some fall of this because of sincerely wanting to see their mom or dad change into someone they never were and never will be. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries are so important for one's life and one's marriage. There is a good book which has Boundaries and Marriage in the title.
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Have you tried to talk to a senior life counselor? All of you maybe not together. Helps my mom with dads death and helped dr advised more worried about me than mom lol
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You know your husband.
Propose three plans to him that you can live with.
A.
B.
C.
Discuss the plan.
Look at it short term and long term.
Income
Distance driving
3 kids in college
Reality check.
That's my idea b4 I turn in for the night.
Hugs ♡♥♡♥♡♥
M88
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"Gee mom, if you trip and fall, you probably won't die. You'll just break your hip and end up on the floor for several hours, or days, because you won't llet anyone come in to help. So you'll end up in whatever hospital EMS takes you to, and then, whatever rehab the hospital sends you to, because you don't want anyone's help. And from there, you'll go to long term care, wherever the rehab wants to send you, because you clearly don't want to make any of your own choices about this. If you make the choice to spend your funds on home care, or care at a nice place either here or near me, a fall could still happen, but youd8have people around to help you.

I'm willing to work with you mom, but not willing to wreck my marriage, my life, my retirement and my children's college. I love you, but you are not the only responsibility in my life right now. You raised me to honor ALL the commitments in my life."
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One more thing; having her move in with you? That would not be an option for me if your husband is so easily manipulated by her.
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When Jeanne asked "has your marriage always been this unstable" I'm guessing that she thought...."a husband who is faced with a mother who is telling him what he owes her, versus his future and the well being of his family. And the first thing that DOESN'T pop into his head is 1. I should ask my wife what her solution would be, we really need to come up with a plan because this is going to affect our family 2. I should seek some professional guidance 3. My mother has really lost it.

That his solution would be to quit his job would seem to imply that your marriage is not a partnership.

Jeanne can speak for herself, but I had the same thought when i read your post.
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I know what I'm going to say may not be received well, but here's a thought: if you're in a financial position to afford it, let him do what HE thinks is right and support his decision (keep in mind that this is if you are in a position to do it). See, what we do for our parents when they need us for many of us defines our future personal life, our peace of mind, nevermind if it's stubbornness on the parents part, lack of consideration, selfishness, etc. It is NOT about the parents (at least not solely), it's about us. And I'm thinking that with him taking care of her in person, a couple of very important things are gained (actually KEY things), one is that she is not in your home, as that could lead to a disaster in your marriage, the second one is that your husband will either feel content he's doing the "right " thing -rightfulness is determined by each person-, or he'll realize he doesn't want to live that life and then will make different decisions, and third, while all of this is happening and evolving you will be able to remain sane and appart enough that you'll be a sound (and happy) shore for your tired husband to come to, specially because he'll be only two hours away. I actually think it may be the best option for your marriage, assuming you CAN afford it. But I'll tell you I'd even try to do my best to make it work financially as I really think it might be the best avenue, not even considering that you both would have the peace of mind to know that you did something really good and special for a human being that mistaken or not will feel better and happier in her golden or not so golden years (you mother in law of course). Just some food for thought. God bless and best of luck!
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What a wonderful & unique response from Rosses003. This is exactly what helped SAVE my marriage. Not that we didn't have a few years of marriage-killing circumstances, but the key is that were able to live apart for brief periods of time while we committed ourselves to helping our aging parents in different states. His 98 year old mom is now in a nursing home in Illinois and my parents (both in their 80s) are in a nursing home in Florida. What got me through some of my own darkest moments when I just wanted to walk away was this website and all of the heartfelt responses from everyone here. I have learned so much but most of all I have learned how strong my marriage is. I know I'm not offering any sound advice just a ray of hope that things can improve!
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Rosses, I realize that discussion of varying points of view is one of the greatest strengths of this forum. In that spirit, I need to tell you that I don't share your opinion. I don't think that living apart (and trying to manage on one income), with the husband struggling to deal with his needy mom and AnxiousWife trying to hold down the home front, doing all of the home tasks alone and on a reduced income, could possibly result in any benefit to the couple's marriage. As for the husband being "only" two hours away and therefore able to pop home for visits, I sincerely doubt that will be possible. His mom will surely feel entitled to his services and will object vigorously to any interruption in said services. He could even be charged with elder abuse/neglect if he moves in to care for her and then leaves her alone for several days. And there is absolutely no guarantee that the mom/mother-in-law will feel one bit happier. She may be at a point in her life (perhaps she has always been at that point) where she just isn't going to be happy. As for the presumed emotional/spiritual benefits to the couple of doing the "right" thing (and in my opinion, this ISN'T the right thing), those may very well be fleeting. I'm at the point now where I'm beginning to think "it's him [Dad] or me." My husband and I can't relax and enjoy our retirement because we have to deal with one issue or crisis after another. My health, both emotional and physical, has suffered. The spiritual benefit at this point seems mainly that I'm confronted daily with my human weaknesses and lack of perfection. If I could say, "Stick a fork in me; I'm done [with this nerve-shattering task]" and make it so, I certainly would. But it's hard to quit when there is no successor.
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Rosses, your post is insightful and thought provoking, and reminded me of something I had forgotten.

During WWII, families were separated for long periods of time as the men went off to war. Military families are still separated when either husband or wife are deployed. I'm sure they face very difficult challenges, but they do have support from the services to deal with the several month separations.

Obviously, this isn't the same as a voluntary separation when the husband leaves to care for his mother.

But I think you raise some interesting points to consider. An alternate method for this family might be not to focus on the disruption a separation would cause, but rather how to use it to support the husband and strengthen the family.

The wife and daughter could be a part of this plan; I'm sure the husband is torn between the two horns of the dilemma. He needs some understanding and compassion from his family to figure out a way to address the situation, and to help him know that he's helping his mother as he wants to.

But I would be concerned if he really feels he needs to quit work as this will affect his career when he eventually does return to work.
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He is responsible TO his mother not FOR his mother. Help find in home care for her and do not move her in with you or move there. It's all about her because that's how the elderly get...their world narrows and they focus in only on themselves. I've seen it time and again. She had her family and life with her husband and it is not fair to deny you your's.
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We, all of us on this website, don't and likely will never know each other on a personal level, however we have something in common that makes us better friends, better support for and to each other than our own relatives or friends. That commonality comes from an enormous amount of emotional, psychological and even physical pain, tiredness, guilt, anger and also love. So I realize that when we come here we feel that the understanding we receive, the compassion and love we feel we find here, are the exact balsam that we're so desperately looking for for our wounds, and we undoubtedly deserve it! However, we are so immersed in our personal journey of sacrifice that we sometimes cannot see -it's very hard!- that the elderly man or woman that we are caring for was in fact at some point a person like us, and what I mean is that they had the ability to walk, eat, talk, work, make their meals, take showers, maybe take care of us...live! Without needing help for the most basic activities. That's not even accounting for illness. If we all look at the person, that person that seems mean and selfish, unconsidered, disrespectful, etc, and realize that inside there is a human being that is literally falling apart and they know it, they feel it, and they are angry, angry and frustrated at life! I think that reminder and realization can sometimes help us carry our heavy crosses more than the compassion we so much seek from others. I'm by no means undermining the incredible challenge that caring for others means, specially when that caring seems to break our own life and when we are caring for a loved one that now we can't even recognize in the person that despite our efforts is mistreating us, asking or expecting us to change our world to adapt to their requirements, or that seems to even hate us. I'm not undermining our burdens. I'm only reminding us all that sometimes the strength we find in having empathy and trying to see the person beyond what seems to be the heaviest set of problems, can carry us further that the strength that we find when we receive compassion.
This does not exactly relate or is an specific follow up to this posting, it's something I felt I wanted to say as I have read so many comments and answers filled with so much pain, pain that also becomes anger and it's understandable. I myself carry the tremendous weight of helping when I feel my own strength is not there! However, I remind myself that the journey of my loved one is at a point where I'm the legs, arms head and sometimes even heart that will help both of us continue in life. May God bless us all and help us in our individual journeys!
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Anxiouswife, A few days ago you mentioned having three kids in college and being "right in the middle of the crunch." You know what, it sounds to me as if your husband is feeling overwhelmed by the "crunch" and that quitting his job to take care of his mother is, in a confused way, an escape. Basically, he would be walking out on his responsibilities to you and the kids, but wouldn't have to feel too bad about himself, because he was "doing his duty" to his mother. Sounds like he's at a breaking point. What would happen if you and he addressed that --- his feelings of entrapment (if that's what they are) --- instead of whether or not his mother needs him right now? I kinda sorta feel for him (been there, done that). Obviously, he shouldn't just walk out on his family, but ... desperation is awful.
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Off the top, I hope your husband is receiving info from these very informed and first-hand posts.
I'm one of the ones who quit my job to get at my other goals, and look to mom more as I'm the only kid, she's missed out on lots over the years, blahblah. Was brainwashed from all the decades of hearing over and over how hard her life was. Poor mom.
Now its 7 years later. I was never "alloted" the time to myself to get to my goals. I am relieved a few here will get that, as it reads and sounds imbecile-like, on my part. Her care quickly became full time, demanded. She needed assisted living 4 years ago but as others have pointed out, I'm her assisted living.
And I'm all waxed out. Grateful for a small company pension that I had no idea I'd be burning up before I'm 60, she don't care.
Why do I think his and my moms could be related even tho I know they're not?

Can your husband take an LOA maybe to go get his mom ready to move into assisted living? The waiting lists for the good, non-pillaging facilities is long, here.

I agree wholeheartedly don't let her move in. She views you as competition? Her manipulating will not I repeat will not decrease with age. From what I've seen those who are, or who grow mellow with age are those who have dealt with their issues. The rest of us are left to deal with the shite they didn't. Beautiful. Not.

A friend told me she's doing what her friend told her she's doing... giving her children a gift - the gift of providing for her own senior years.
The rest of us? We pay-- fiscally, soulfully, and a reminder that yes, it will play out somehow eventually, in our own, aging bodies.

Was it FrequentFlyer who posted the amounts of missed wages from caregiving? I'm hovering around that mark and it makes me physically shudder when I do the additions. And figure the minuses I'm providing for my future. All because I wanted to help my mom. But she has never been happy, not happy, and all signs in her 90s point to never being happy. Why do I wonder if your husband will be lamenting the same in a very short amount of time? How long do we have to keep paying for and mending their mistakes because some of us are bred to believe we're supposed to?

This site has been life-changing for me - I'm so grateful to all of you for posting all that you do here.
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Wow, realtime, what a powerful & insightful posting! Anxiouswife59, how about suggesting hubby take a 2-week vacation & be with his mom....or a month leave of absence? 24/7 responsibility of & demands from mom will let him see exactly what he will be in for if he quits his job & moves in with her. Reminds me of the Meatloaf song "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" at the end where he sings "I'm praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you".
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