My husband wets his pants and refuses to change clothes. He says things like "they're almost dry now" even though the pants are soaked. He sits on the bed and on upholstered furniture in the wet pants. If I try to get him to put on dry clothes he gets very load and angry.
I personally think he was more afraid when he would be off on his own, but his stubborn nature wasn't going to ever back down, so... it just made things worse to say -- "Shower or else you're going to have to go to a place with professionals, I'm going to quit." He said "BYE" every time. lol
Wrong ....my mum heard if you wake me up again you have to go to a care home and she was scared.
I had to sit down with her and tell her I needed to sleep during the day to make up for not sleeping at night OR we had to pay for a carer to come in - well she wasn't having any of that so I was allowed to sleep (for an hour or so) but then she had totally forgotten the conversation about me needing sleep but not her original interpretation, so we go through the hoops again being supportive and as tender as you can be when you're running on empty
"Threatening" or "scaring" sounds harsh, but "drawing a clear boundary that's in everyone's best interest" - which I think was the intent - makes more sense. Words are difficult to interpret only via a short paragraph, dry text on a screen. I think semantics-interpretation is difficult, and more so when it's a naturally emotionally charged subject -- like elder care is to anyone who's done caregiving for any length of time.
Hey! I just was described today by a behavioral specialist as an "expert at communication" after my hour-long new-job assessment test! How am I doing??? lol
Good rant, PD. It's... HORRIFIC... what little value society and governments place on elders in "First Nation" countries. If you can't pay your own way - and hory sheeit, it's so expensive to pay for proper memory loss care!! - then screw you.
I think the US is as bad or worse, and I think we win for "Worse" because we still have for-profit medical. I was reading something at the pharmacy tonight, while waiting to pick up Rx. There was a discount card being offered for a certain manufacturer/brand of insulin. The discount was $500 to anyone who had an accepted form of insurance. It was $100 if you didn't have acceptable coverage. The meaning I interpreted is: this manufacturer must be charging 5x as much to insurance companies then they are to individuals, simply because they know they will get paid exorbitant amount from insurance that no sane person would ever pay simply for a specific type of INSULIN. (Ffs, not like they invented the cure for cancer. There's my rant).
:-(
To show you what a cockamamie world we live in here is an extract from a fostering agency in the UK :
"Everybody is entitled to make a living from their work and providing foster care is no different, and the fostering allowance is there to provide you with just that. You can be paid up to from £650 per week per child."
Now read the carers allowance:
"Carer's Allowance is money for people who spend at least 35 hours a week providing regular care to someone who has a disability. That person MUST be on the higher rate of benefit.Carer's Allowance is paid at £62.10 a week regardless of the number of people you look after."
So will someone tell me how come a foster parent who cares for 2 children with a disability can get £650 a week for each of them (£1300 a week) but an adult who has contributed to society all their lives and gives up work to caregive perhaps for two disabled parents gets £62.10 a week in total?
Please don't try and tell me the former is more difficult than the latter.
Political rant over
I would resist verbally physically and finally curl up in absolute terror.
Now if I soil myself and that has happened in severe illness, I am co-operative and grateful to the people who take on the job of making me nice and comfortable again. During many hospital visits I am perfectly used to nurses male and female telling me to take my clothes off and put the gown on, in fact I feel like I have stripped off so often I might as well be an exotic dancer. I hasten to add that no one would be slipping $100 bills in my underwear. No one needs to threaten me because I am still competent and understand the reasons.
People with dementia do not understand the orders they are given or the reasons for them and may have a paranoid reason for refusing. Add to that they may not remember what they have been told and either just sit there or put the gown on over their street clothes.
Being wet or soiled may not necessarily feel uncomfortable, in fact can be comforting as it brings back the feeling of being cared for as an infant.
Riley states that she is caring for someone who is suffering with age related problems which is a whole world away from dementia. This is not an attack on Riley because I am sure her motives are for what she feels is the best way of dealing with a certain situation. I hope she continues with the forum and is open minded enough to learn the differences between aging and dementia. I have personally learned so much here from other posters.
I have a broad back and don't get offended when people do not agree with what I have written.
It is not personal everyone is entitled to their own opinion and when they disagree they are free not to follow that person or try and correct their perceptions.
Riley has a very impressive resume and in her area I could not come close to competing. In her office I would probably be the one making the coffee, but in a hospital situation I was a supervisor.
Riley your advocacy re caring for the elderly is appalling you write:
"This is disgusting and you should NOT put up with it. Try the nice, friendly approach first and try it several times. "
Do you honestly think that hasn't been tried first? Yes it is disgusting to YOU and yes it is disgusting and unhygienic and dangerous to the carer, but to a person who has a dementia and whose wires are so crossed that no-one can understand what is going on, it clearly has a different meaning.
There is no point trying anyone opting for anything other than a friendly approach, or playing soft music or getting them in the shower and then washed IN their clothes then taking them off which is something I know people have done in the past. Even if you're going to attempt to cut the clothes off that. as a carer, is a risky business and you should be engaging professionals for assistance.
BUT WHEN YOU WRITE
"If nothing works, tell them you are going to put them into a home immediately if they don't cooperate - and be prepared to follow through if nothing works. Most times that will scare them enough to allow you to do what has to be done for them. "
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY IRRESPONSIBLE. It is also illegal because emotional abuse of the elderly is illegal. Why in God's name would you want to scare someone who can't fend for themselves, can't understand that what they are doing is wrong, is already scared of what is happening to them. Why would you think you can take it upon yourself to distress them - it is wrong people, it is illegal, engage the professional mental health workers who are specialists in working with people who have a dementia and they can advise and offer help but to deliberately scare them? Absolutely not.
Your solution of move out doesn't work either - I'm living through a situation like that right now with an upstairs tenant who refuses to believe that I hear her music or tv - which she plays low, with earphones, left on the table. She refuses to wear headphones, and I'm going nuts down below - late at night I hear the tiny, aggravating, permanent noise. I've moved my bed 3 times, situation never resolved - hurts my sleep, and I work early, often over stressed, tired. Could put her out, and might, but need the money, and I hate the internal debates about how big a thing is it! I share this to show the frustration of the solution of, "just move out of sight/mind." We seem to hate setting boundaries! Appreciate many of the comments on this topic, and the jokes.
The minister of the church I went to while growing up was Rev. Blessing. I guess that name didn't leave him much choice when deciding on a career!
Veronica Keeping up Appearances makes me smile too. A woman whose surname is Bucket bbut she pronounces it bouquet....reminds me of a doctor we had whose surname was pronounced dee arth but was written Death. Now tell me would you visit this doctor? That said the doctor who operated on me was called Haq pronounce Hack and my dentist was called Coward - so appropriate
I am sitting here watching PBS and they and they are showing the equivalent of the "Golden Girls" - Keeping up appearances made me wonder how Hyacinth managed to look after Richard in his declining years. I can't see her putting out the dirty depends for the dustmen to see. Now we are on to "As time goes by" This is going to be a long Summer.
Deyja give her time and Mom will come up with something!
I was much surprised about 6 years ago while on a visit to a mental health unit to see a relatively young man about 60 with quite severe alzheimers. He refuse point blank to wear anything excep a towel round his waist and when he kept taking that iff they made him a sort of skirt type towel that secured with velcro. I did ask about it and they said he becam incredibly violent when anything else was given to him to wear and he would trash his room in seconds and had hurt several staff too. Okaaay I thought well I thought a lot more but for now Okaaay would do. I was giving a talk to staff about cross infection when said man walked into the room and promptly started whacking his appendage on the table. Well I did keep a straight face not sure how but they took no notice of it at all. They just accepted he was who he was he did what he did and they sanitised the table immediately he left. So I think that we all know what needs to be done for some people we just have to work with it rather than against it. keep encouraging, cajoling hell I would even use bribery if it got a result!!!!! anything that would help keep him clean and dry. Perhaps showers a couple of times a day?
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been done.