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Angel, Thank you. Part of me knows that we are fighting an up-hill battle that we will never win. My husband is very much a "deal with it now or it festers" type of person. It's hard for someone like that to just let themselves be walked on or to accept insult from someone without confronting them about it. Me, on the other hand, most of the time I'm completely oblivious to the insult and just carry on my way. I don't know how to help my husband through this other than to listen.

Letting her deal with her own illness is what got her so sick to begin with. She's got some autoimmune disease that effects the muscles. It's pretty convenient for her cuz not a lot of people have it so she can claim it's flared up and we can't argue with her about it. She has like 15 doctors and NONE of them communicate with each other. If she was just regular old, we'd probably leave her alone, but since she's got this crazy rare disease, she needs the help managing the doctors, the medications and the PT.

Her husband is a stroke survivor who has never fully recovered...not to mention also narcissistic. They have been "married" for 40 years but never really married, like they have never had a husband/wife relationship. They can't even talk to each other about stuff. They are not friends, mostly roommates living in the same house. He lives in the basement, she gets the upstairs. This whole family is like nothing I have ever experienced. I have NO idea how my husband became the person that he is. He is the complete opposite of them.
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God that sounds like my moo. Acts stupid. I posted another question, but your mil sounds like my moo. I have found that swatting the question and action back into their (the narcs) court seems to work wonders, but you have to put up with the freakin whining and temper tantrums. You need to take care of yourself and your relation with your husband or this biddy will destroy both.
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Wow. Thanks so much for the support everyone. Hubs just got back from an appt with his mom. He told her that he wants all her siblings to come visit so that he can have a sit down with them. He says he won't "let her paint the picture with her brush". He wants them to know what levels she will go to. He doesn't want to be the only one that is aware of her self-destructive nature.

The dr at the appt told her for the umpteenth time to see a psychiatrist. She doesn't think that she needs it. *groan*

It's getting harder to deal with her passive-aggressive nature. What adds insult to injury is that she was a terrible mom to begin with. She adopted my husband because she had to have an early hysterectomy. Then proceeded to be negligent. She ended up sending him to boarding school because she didn't want to deal with him. Both MIL and FIL have told my husband that he's "not really part of the family". How are we supposed to continue to care when this is their attitude?

Her biological son wants nothing to do with their care. Won't bring his children and never visits unless it's to get something from them. The biological son also has the same "head-in-the-sand" trait. Doesn't want to discuss anything stressful or negative. *heavier groan*

FIL is unable to care for her due to a stroke that he had a few years ago. He has never fully recovered.
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You are trying to reason with someone who refuses to discuss anything reasonably, to hold to agreements, or to consider you. SET BOUNDARIES and do not get into discussions. Decide what you will do, not do, and refuse to discuss. You are losing anyway. Put on your big adult pants and refuse the childishness.
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True that Windy!
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Fire, it sure sounds like you understand the dynamics here and know what you have to do. It's just a matter of hanging tough.

My own situation is similar except I stayed put and did not move across the country to care for my folks. If I were there I can see how it would be soooooo easy to get trapped in the daily grind of fixing everything, cleaning, doc appointments and all the rest.

If you think about it, many elders of our parents generation got to enjoy their retirements. Cruises, traveling, time with the grandkids. My folks weren't caregivers for my grandparents, they put them in nursing homes. And keep in mind, most of our grandparents didn't live to be 98 like my parents probably will due to the marvels of modern medicine. My folks have had close to 30 years of enjoyable retirement. It's not fair for us to give up our best years consumed with the nightmare of elder caregiving.

That may all sound a bit hard@ss but it's true. Nothing has steeled my resolve more than reading all the horror stories of lives gone down the drain of caregiver h3ll on this forum.
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A person with narcissistic personality disorder will never admit they were wrong, apologize for being wrong or anything else like that. You can wait till the cows come home...and it will never happen.

I work for the cruise industry. If she is well enough to take a two week cruise you are d@mn straight that she doesn't need help with every little thing. Cruises are stressful, even for healthy people (planning, executing, packing etc)

You won't be able to fix her. Let her handle her own illnesses, relationship with her husband (why won't he help her?) etc.

No is a complete sentence.

Angel
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Thanks Windyridge for your response. I feel your frustration from your comment. LOL They did have 24 hour live in help but we got the feeling that after a while, the woman was so exposed to the dysfunction, she couldn't take it any more either. Currently, they have a woman who comes in to cook and do light chores during the day. The stuff my husband does is more related to home-owner upkeep that neither of his parents are able to do and the aide can't do.

Tough love is definitely needed and already tried but she turns it around to appear like we are emotionally abusing her if we try to set boundaries. In the fall, we all sat down to do a "check in" to discuss how we all could better help each other. Hubs and I set boundaries for days when he needs to work on setting up his business and that was immediately ignored due to home remodeling that she needed done ASAP! It didn't really need to be done, she just made it a HUGE deal until hubs caved. All tough love is met with her excuse of "My health conditions requires me to stay away from stress." So this excuse causes us to put off talking to her, which creates more friction and no seeming way to deal with it.

We have asked them to be honest with us and to tell us if we are going to far or to tell us what they need. Their answers are always the same; "We don't want to be a burden." or "We just want you to be happy." But who are we kidding, they can't be honest with themselves so how in the world are they going to be honest with us!

They really don't have the funds for a 2 week cruise, but did it anyway. The financial stuff is it's own quagmire. :(

Rainmom, this reply has been used. She responds with "I don't know what I'm going to do. What should I do?" When we don't give her an answer, she retreats and isolates herself by watching TV and ignores the problem until it's too much for her to handle....then she makes herself sick from the stress and we are in to hospital again and my husband cleaning up after her. We came to manage her health care, not clean up after her. She's got like 15 doctors.
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I think I might be tempted to reply "that must be difficult for you. How are YOU going to handle it"? If she gives some helpless reply, respond with "hmmm" and quickly change the subject". Use that same reply over and over.
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If this woman can go on a two week cruise why in the hell are you guys running at her every whim? I don't mean to be snarky but clearly some tough love is in order here.

There have been other discussions on this forum about how we sometimes enable our elders behavior and their refusal to allow outside help. I had to pull back from my folks a little. They don't mind me working my ass off for them but refuse to let paid help in the house.

And if these folks have the funds for a two week cruise it would seem as though they could hire some help and ease up on poor Hubs.
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Thank you for your response. We have asked her to make a list. It worked for a short time, but then she just quit. The biggest issue is with the hiding of the doctor's appts and her failure to admit she's made a mistake. It's not like we are ever angry with her, but when she acts like she did nothing wrong, that is where our frustration comes out. This family is a very manipulative family. Words are analyzed for any aggressiveness. It makes witty retorts ammunition for future. I have taken to not talking when we are visiting just because I don't want to give them ammunition for the future. I have half a mind to take her out for lunch and when she tries to get nosy or gossipy, just look her in the eye and say, "MIL, this is a very stressful topic. I know that you can't handle stress so we are not going to discuss or talk about anything related to that. If you want to discuss books or the weather, I would be more than happy to talk but any and all family matters are off the table until you have gained the strength and health needed for these tough family topics." I'm not sure that she would get the message, but I would feel like I had done something. On the other hand, she would probably tell her family that I was rude and trying to keep in the dark about my relationship with her son.... when in all honesty...it's none of her business.
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This kind of manipulative arrangement is often a topic here. If it's any consolation, you're not alone.

I think your MIL is playing her "victim" and "needy" personae for all it's worth. Unfortunately, you have to recognize that attempting to respond on a rational basis to irrational claims and arguments isn't going to address the core problem. Sometimes you just have to work around that core issue.

You and your husband might want to sit down, detail as much as you can the various arguments and complaints your present, and determine if there are concrete ways of addressing them or if they're not the kind of issues that can't be addressed, treated and/or resolved. In other words, sometimes her complaints probably just need to be ignored, unless, obviously, they're medical ones of verifiable concern.

But from your post it seems as though she manages to segue into this explanation as justification for her behavior. It can be hard to sort out which medical issues are real and which are cries for attention.

Sometimes you can provide a witty retort that will stop her, likely by surprise and shock.

One issue to address is that of co-opting your husband to do chores. Suggest she make a list, your husband will look it over when he has time and decide which he can fix or which need to be contracted out. Your husband takes a stand, it will challenge her and she will be mad. But your husband has stated he won't be manipulated into changing his schedule, doing work which could be hired out, or backed through trickery into allowing her to manipulate him.

You may have to think of responses like this for all her actions, as well as stating firmly that you either can't or won't get involved, such as stepping in between the abusive relationship she has with her husband.

Since she turned on your husband, next time tell her that your husband tried to intervene, she countermanded him and denied her statements, and that there is nothing he can do in this situation. Then terminate the conversation and don't give her time to respond.

You'll have to find similar methods of response for all her different charades, and it won't be easy either doing so or dealing with her reactive behavior. Expect that at times she'll be more angry. Think of it as driving on a dirt road filled with potholes and bumps. You never know when you'll hit one.
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