I moved and have lived on the west coast for the last 30 years. For the last years, I have traveled 2 to 3 times a year to visit my father and have had a good phone relationship (almost daily) with him until two months ago when he started on the downward spiral or terminal lung cancer.
My brother is caring for my sick father, he became bed ridden a few weeks ago, in pain and is nearing closing this chapter. He took care of my mother and voiced that it was traumatic and in today's phone conversation, he stated that he did not understand my reasoning for not being there in this moment with the insinuation of being less of a loving son with a religious guilt twist used as a tool for communication. He stated that as a father himself, he would like his sons with him as he is nearing death.
I understand the stress he is in and will not confront him on his behavior (mine) shaming. I have booked a flight to be there for the next week to support him and see my dad.
I am not confrontational and avoid controversy, so keeping quiet is my go-to response, but I would like to seek others’ opinions on how to handle this.
How can one deal with this situation, what can one say in this situation?
I know I was inappropriate at times when I was resentful--I really let it fly a few times with my nieces (not that it helped--they still didn't visit), for example. It happens when you are overwhelmed and everyone else goes about their life choosing when they want to visit and when they want to leave--and you are stuck there.
After I let them know, I did feel like our relationship would never be repaired, and it was devastating to me--but I had been a doormat and suffering in silence for too long. I suspect your brother feels similarly.
That said, after that venting episode, the best thing one of my brothers did is when he did visit with his family, he and his wife admitted they had not been there enough, had not been supportive enough. and they "could not thank me enough"-- and they would like to be there in a more helpful way.
It still is a burden on me, but I will say, an admission and recognition of how much I had taken on, and how grateful they were, and their offer to help more was very healing. We all just want to be heard and understood.
I would suggest voicing nothing other than appreciation for the incredible burden he has taken on both times (and trust me--it is a burden--there is a reason a high percentage of caregivers die before the people they care for), an acknowledgement of not being present at times it could have been helpful, and an offer to help in a more practical way other than mourning your father, would go a long, long way.
Good luck--I am sure you are coming from a good place, and this could actually be an opportunity to grow your relationship, as it did with me and my brother, if you can approach him with compassion and thankfulness.
Oh--and a gift card for a spa/ massage/ restaurant/ plane ticket would also be appreciated--trust me!
Tell him you will be there as soon as you can be. That is all anyone could ask.
How do you deal with it? You try to understand that everyone is under a lot of stress and anxiety. You try to be understanding to everyone but know you can not please everyone.
What can you say? You say you will be there when you can. You understand they want you there sooner and probably longer than you can stay.
You do the best you can. How can anyone ask more of someone.
Is your brother been providing full or mostly full hands on care for your father?
Had he told you previously that his emotional reactions to dealing with your mother’s loss was “traumatic” to him? If not, he may have been holding on to some feelings that you might have dealt with differently if you’d known about them.
As the “abandoned one” myself at present, I can understand your brother’s reluctance to be there without your support for what he may feel is his second time dealing with this difficult loss.
I think your presence and openness to discussing both your father’s loss and even perhaps your mother’s, may turn out to be valuable and enriching for you both. It may be possible for you to initiate the conversation or he me give you a cue when you meet before your first visit with your dad.
If either of you appears to want to restore your bond as siblings by such a discussion, please consider embracing that option. If you can do so, you may find mutual support that perhaps neither of you expected.
My mom recently passed and YB who had cared for her for the last 25 years couldn't wait an hour before he started throwing stuff away. It was all junk, but I know I was astounded to go to his house barely 18 hrs after mom's death and he has already filled up his trailer with 40 bags of stuff. He wasn't angry, per se, it was just HIS weird way of grieving. Now that the apt is empty, it's just sitting there. His need to sweep mom's memory away was how he grieved. The rest of us have had our moments, but he is almost giddy with relief.
I can't judge or blame him for feeling what he feels. She was not an easy person to please and he caught the brunt of it.
Show your brother love and gratitude. Keep your inner thoughts to YOURSELF.
Believe me when I say this: you do NOT understand what he (your brother) is going through. Unless you have experienced the trauma and a million decisions and acts of caregiving that he has to experience in caring for your father, you will never truly understand. You may be sad/nervous/annoyed but until you have wiped butts for weeks, gotten someone dressed, turned someone over when they can't to it for themselves, or had to tell a doctor that you're refusing having a feeding tube placed, you don't know or understand. The best you can do is appreciate that it's difficult.
I really don't normally suggest letting people dump on you and insult you, but frankly in my situation it was a decision I made out of my strong love for my sibling. I knew I could lose that relationship as surely as we were losing our parent and I bit the bullet. We are able now to put it behind us and remain close. I wish you all the best, you and your dad and your brother.