My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
I feel you have done your part. You brought her to where you live to be near her much younger siblings who are in their 60s. Where she lived had no services and her children felt she was the cause of their fathers death. Looks like, for now, her children are walking up to the plate. I think Aunt is afraid she will be forced into an AL or LTC by her children. By calling you, in her mind she can get you to pick her up and at least drop her off at her apt. I don't think picking up the phone and saying No will do anything. You have been telling her what you will and won't do and she is ignoring it for whatever reason. She is 88 and no matter how sharp u think she is, there is age decline.
You did what you needed to do. Her children are now involved, you are right in stepping back. Her future is now in her children's hands, as it should be.
Its sad, and I would have a problem with this, but with people like your Aunt you will need to be BLUNT. A doctor did this with my Mom when explaining her Dementia. He sat her in a chair and sat in one right across from her and looked her straight in the eye and explained to her what she would experience. You could do the same thing but say " Aunt ____, I am not your go to person. I have a fulltime job and care for my Mother. I really do not have a minute to help you. I helped you to move here to be near your siblings and to take advantage of the resources here. That is all I am willing to do, that's all I can do. If you need something, call a sibling. DO NOT CALL ME. DO NOT CALL MOM WITH THE INTENTION OF USING HER TO GET TO ME. You need to realize, the answer will be NO.
Then you need to stick by that No.
Lets hope though, that the children take over and you and Mom will not need to worry about her. I would ask your cousins to please help their Mom understand that she cannot rely on you because you have enough on your plate and that she is not your responsibility. To the point they say "you are not to contact Emotionally for anything"
Take that vacation and forget about what is going with Aunt. Block her calls for you and Mom. If VMs are left, delete before even listening to them. You need this time to relax and enjoy. Vacations are to give your mind a break. Its time for you and Mom.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
From Boundries from Townsend and Cloud...When saying the word NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
The children are now involved. E now can and should step back. What her Aunt wants and needs is now up to her children. E was correct in telling a member of the staff to tell her Aunt that the cat was OK and she had keys for the cousins. Her cousins are the only ones who E should be in contact with now. She should tell them that Aunt continues to phone her and please ask her to stop that now the cousins are involved there is nothing more E can do for Aunt. E did a nice thing helping Aunt to locate near siblings and resources. She gave Aunt a list of resources. Its now Aunts responsibility to take advantage of the resouces and if she has a problem she has siblings 20 yrs her jr who have the time to help.
She does not need E.
Take the cat, for instance. In my county, animals go to impound at the humane society when someone is Baker Acted or goes to jail if there isn’t someone immediately available.
You don’t sound like you want to be immediately available in this way when the next crisis unfolds.
Your cousins need to understand this as do her siblings. I may call her SW and tell her/him in no uncertain terms that neither you nor your Mom will be part of any discharge plan. If your Aunt says you are, she is wrong. She has been told prior to her stay that u and Mom will not be able to help her. She has children that need to take on that responsibility. These SWs or discharge planners need to follow up with the people a patient says will care for them when they return home.
My relative (who I helped/enabled tremendously) was hospitalized no less than 8 times in 2 years. Every time she was hospitalized, she told the discharge planner that she had "family who would be staying with her 24/7 and doing for her." One granddaughter and I visited her daily, so the DP knew she did have family who cared. But we repeatedly informed the DP she was an unsafe discharge and there was NOBODY available to stay with her at night (she was totally unwilling to pay anyone, even tho she had the means).
She went to rehab multiple times and the same situation happened. One time she pulled out all the stops and convinced the rehab to discharge her 2 weeks early (lying to them about having help). When she got home, she could barely get into the house and to her recliner when she started hollering, crying, putting on a show, saying
"I've made a mistake! I should have stayed there longer! I don't know what I'm going to do NOW! I'm not able to cook or look after myself!"
I ask because this seems the best way to maintain the involvement you’re ok with, ie the weekly phone calls and monthly dinners. Whereas when she comes home to an empty house, you will probably get more calls, as well as making the call to involve the authorities as a mandated reporter.
The longer this goes on, the less I even want to have a small amount of contact with her. She's so manipulative and I feel like all the substances she was using was just to numb herself so she didn't have to deal with any emotions or guilt. She was trying to do less and less for herself. I can't respect that, it's such a copout. People should get better as they age, not more and more selfish.
Enjoy your time away with your own mother. Hopefully your vacation plans will allow for putting your feet up and soaking up the sun, if that is the kind of thing that you enjoy.
Know that you have done a noble thing in helping an elderly family member--even the self-centered ones deserve help. But that does not equate to "becoming her caregiver" or contact person. I believe that the boundaries you have set are manageable, without guilt even if aunt wants more from you.
Well done. I have learned from your example.
"I feel like I've been doing something wrong every step of the way."
This is SO how narcissists make you feel.
It's not you, it's her.
So the very minute a new problem occurs.. ring ring.. they are back on your phone, expecting you to jump to, fix it & serve them.
If they can SEE you, CALL you, GET messages to you via others - you are still their prey.
The only solution is to wear a cloak of invisibility. Physically BE absent. Block communication, calls/emails. Block any messengers too.
Only then they MUST turn to seek help elsewhere. In this case, Aunt MUST work with her discharge planner. She must take responsibility for herself. If she tells lies.. tells fibs of non-existent help to get home, she will then wear the consequences of those fibs.
E is not responsible to fix up the results of Aunt's poor decisions. This is how Aunt will LEARN.
EN, I am wondering why your sister has the ashes of aunt's husband. Why didn't the children take their father's ashes? Did your sister plan the funeral?
I seriously doubt aunt will ever ask for her husband's ashes. It seems she didn't care for him, and was dismissive of him when he was alive, hardly mentioned about him since he died, then there's no reason she would want his ashes.
I would be giving the keys, the ashes and anything else that belongs to aunt to one of her siblings. Otherwise, you are creating expectations ( from aunt and your cousins) that you will step up and step in.
She broke up your parents' marriage? Does your mom regret that?
You didn't have to pick up the uncle's ashes. That should have been a task for one of his children, after all they planned the funeral. After aunt left behind the ashes, probably intentionally, why did your sister take them from aunt's home? She should have informed uncle's children so they could come and take their dad's ashes if the cared to.
You went to aunt's apartment and felt an urge to clean and organize the place. Why? I would like to know why you want to clean someone else's home?
As for house sitting and cat sitting, and the house keys, you don't seem to want to let go of that responsibility. The apartment, who cares? The cat, it really should not be alone and only gets checked on every other day. That's animal neglect in my view. Ask other aunts and uncle nearby or aunt's children to take the cat and take good care of it.
And the biggest one of all, taking the bull by the horns and dragging it to your city. But that's water under the bridge now.
Please do some inner reflection and see why you feel the need to be a fixer of other people's problems.
Nobody is willing to take the cat at this time, the cat is safe, has food and water, a clean litter box and is around familiar items. It is in better conditions it better now then a lot of cats are.
"There will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan"?
So the funeral home has the ashes. There is no one there authorized to take them. You (and SIS) LEAVE the ashes at the funeral home for uncle's spouse to arrange pickup. Just so NOT your issue. There will be a charge? So? So what?
You and your sister need to stop thinking that you have to solve everyone's problems.
I have a colleague who is a social worker; she told me that during training, she counseled a young mother who would bring her infant to sessions and appeared to "almost' let the baby roll out of her lap.
My friend's impulse was to lean forward to prevent the baby from falling. Her supervisor told her that no, she must not do that. The young woman never allowed the baby to fall.
Folks who are troubled in the way that your aunt is (Narcissistic? Borderline? Just neurotic?) often manipulate situations so that others rush in to help. "Swooping" is how my therapist puts it.
Therapy has been enormously helpful to me in this regard, as I too am a swooper. If you are not currently in therapy, I highly recommend it.
Stop asking. Start telling.
OMG, what a witch your aunt was. I used to have a friend in HS that always tried to go after someone else's boyfriends. Always bragged to me how these boys wanted her and liked her more than the girls they were with. I stopped being friends with her. Years later, she went to a birthday lunch of a mutual friend. After showing off pictures of her husband and kids, she asked to see pictures of my husband. Uh.. no... I don't have any to show you.
You're working yourself up into a froth even before the wolf's at your door.
The scenarios that you are rehearsing in your mind reminds me of the joke about the driver who got stuck w/o gas 18 miles past the last-chance-for-80-miles gas station. As he starts walking back to that last chance station, carrying his empty gas can, he tells himself an ever worsening story that the attendent is going to take advantage of his situation and will probably raise the price by 5 dollars. After walking a few more gruelling miles in the blazing sun he's becoming more infuriated and thinks - no, for sure that guy's not going to increase the price by 5 but 10 dollars. Worn out, thirsty and suffering, after a few more torrid miles he tells himself, that son of gun will see me coming all right and with each increasing step he's certain the price will be up 20 dollars over the normal price if he's even lucky. By the time he gets to the attendent, so crazed is he in his filthy sweat drenched severely sunburned beat-up state and hyper imagined possibilities he hurls his gas can at the bewildered guy and tells him to keep his d**n gas.
You called your cousins, and in that conversation you explained beautifully that your mom could visit their mom for a short time. You did not say that during that call the 4 children pounced a proposal on you.
And you posted that you're afraid that your aunt is going to try to come to your home at the end of your mother's visit to her house. We're not there yet.
You can't be blame for being spasmic. You're probably whipped and worried, but worse for you, because you're tired and care worn you don't seem to recognize that YOU are the gentle Godzilla at the gate now. YOU have the responsibility YOU have the power.
Not by volume but by calm stead fast, reasonable, justified, logic you wait for a word, one word from anyone. Smile to yourself 'cause you've done a reversal of mind set. You've been rehearsing your vision of how the play is going to go, brilliantly your way. Author, Author.
They say - ENumb, now you know how much they want to be with each other. It'll even be a help to you them being together. (They may up the ante with cash, Don't do it).
If they start to do verbal maneuvers, I'm telling you to eat up and love every word they may grease you with because now you know, and they don't see, that they just gave you license to rip 'em one, but lady like...
"Cousin, I wish there was a way for me to take auntie in but it's all that I can do to do what I do now. I'm so sorry, but no". Be nice.
Focus on your problems. Do not ever, never, ever take on other people's responsibilites.
But really, I can't imagine 4 adults daring to impose this on you.
She didn't call at all on Saturday but I got several calls today. I think she takes occasional breaks to let us know she's mad.
⚠️Danger Alert!
Can be said with good intentions, ignorant to the details... Or..
This phrase can be weilded as a shovel - handed to you to shovel the 💩 💩💩 (to keep their hands clean).
When that phrase was handed to me.. I picked the messenger apart. Just WHO precicly do you mean should help? YOU are family, no ???
Oh, too busy, live too far, too squeamish, too MALE!!! (Yes that was used too). Once the list of family had been whittled down.. it was done to ONE person. Me! 🤯
How very dare you 🤬
No-body has the right to enslave me. To expect servitude.
So this is when I broke the news that the person in need, needs to actually take RESPONSIBIlTY for themself. To be a 🤬 adult.
If they can't then they must accept non-family help.
Let the chips fall..
Well done saying "no".
Family helps family--when it doesn't destroy YOUR life or prevent you from earning a living. Also, I do very little for the known narcissists and liars in the family.
Mentally prepare yourself. Auntie will show her azz, probably the day before you leave for vacation. Expect a fall, screaming back injury, etc.
Bases on your other posting, I think she is having some cognitive issues and her kids (your cousins) are more than willing to let you take her on. Don't do it. Tell her now is not a good time to visit. Just wait a bit and see what happens.
It is SO not cause for anything else.