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I am sorry to hear this and I went through this with my mother and the deeper her dementia got the worse it got. I ended up trying to divert the direction of the conversation or say a therapeutic fib like I will talk with the social worker or check with the doctor here. Earlier, I did have the social worker come and explain it to her, but she would soon forget that. I even would say things like, it's not up to me, it's up to the doctor to decide.

Basically, you can't reason with someone who has dementia and it gets worse over time.

It sounds like she's where she needs to be at this time of her life and her level of health. She would only get more difficult to care for at home even with your broken foot well.

I hope you did not promise to not place her in a nursing home when you were a little girl? That's not realistic for you don't really know what you are promising. If your mother asked you to promise, then that was not fair.

It may help to talk about your feelings of guilt with the NH social worker either on the phone or virtually if he or she can do that.

I don't think telling her she has dementia would help! She's either going to get upset and strongly deny it or forget that you told her.

You really can't tell someone with dementia what to do. You have to find ways to invite then to do what you want them to do. Like, mom how about I ask the social worker or doctor to talk with you about that? That's guiding without telling and she'll likely forget it anyway.

I wish you the best.
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tettwa May 2020
Thank you for your wisdom.
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tettwa, so many people on this forum have been in your shoes and understand the pain of this decision. It is ok to tell your mom a "therapeutic fib" that she can come home when the doctor says she can (because he/she won't be saying this actually). Just encourage her to keep doing the rehab which is good for her in any case.

You are not a bad person for making this decision. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, or you won't be there for your mom! Her having both physical and cognitive issues, which will both intensify as time rolls on, means you will be tending to her 24/7 every single day and be completely overwhelmed as you will have no real life. Not many can do this, or want to. Please don't feel guilty -- I had to do it with my MIL, so I get it. May you gain peace in your heart as you adjust to this new arrangement.
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tettwa May 2020
Thank you for your insight.
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