Yep ANOTHER day where I get to sit here and listen to my mother rock in her squeaky rocking chair all day while do nothing siblings get to go on with their merry care free lives. I KNOW I'll never REALLY get over the resentment I have for certain siblings, but how do you get past the Anger ??
unbelievable.
Ps... I was just told that my Sis had such a great time renting in FLA that this wnter she's going for 2 mths.. Ugh!
of course it hurts. My mom went into a SNF in November last year. My brother who recently retired, decided to spend the first five months of 2015 at his condo in Florida, leaving my two siblings and myself to take care of everything up here. I had to sort out my mothers business affairs, clean out and sell her condo, with very little help. At first I was very resentful and then decided "to heck with it" I did what I had to do, and got it taken care of . As some one said in other comments - you can't make someone care but I learned a lot about myself and saw a lot of behavior from my sibs that was quite eye opening. I guess these types of situations do not always bring out the best in everyone. I had to let it go and move on.
Some of you mentioned that no help is better than the kind of "help" you get, that some siblings, etc. make more work, etc. Many of us have our own health/financial challenges in addition to the challenges we try to handle for/with our parent(s) or other loved one(s). I understand & know these pains from experience myself.
In my situation, siblings additionally fail to make restitution for financial damages they or one of their minor children have caused, or they support the wrongdoer. Out of numerous siblings, only one is without responsibility but wants to maintain relationships with the others. I understand the need to do so, but it leaves me as the only voice to defend my remaining parent who has already banned two from the home and from contact. There will be "weeping & gnashing of teeth" when the estate needs to be settled & the results of their actions are known.
That being said, it IS exhausting & frustrating, but doing what is needed in the kindest way possible (for/with my parent) is the choice I've made. I do feel the drain on my spirit & energies, so I mix some outside activities in where possible. Having the internet and this community enriches my life in many ways.
Thank you all for being here and for sharing your stories and thoughts. I, for one, am richer for having you in my life when siblings fail.
Here's a story for you:
I am last of 7 kids, 4 are retired.. My oldest retired sister rented a house for a month this past winter in FLA gulf side. We live in MA and this past winter was snow, snow, snow. Well she invited all sibs to come for a visit.. One sib lives down there.. 2 sisters went down to visit other 2 brothers didn't go because they had already planned their own vacations, one went to Aruba the other went to Mexico...
I didn't get invited... I assume it's because "who would watch Mom"... But not one of them offered to stay with Mom so I could get a break...
I wouldn't want to spend my free time with any of them anyway but it still hurts...
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!
As I've said before, my husband, one of six siblings, is the only one that truly cares for his mom and seeks to "honor your father and mother" with his care, love, and patience, while other sibs just get on with their lives. That aside, I sat in with a small group of women last night while listening to a lady that is an only child complaining about caring for her 87-year old mother. There was no compassion for this mother's fears, discomfort with having to sell her house and a large portion of her possessions to go into an apartment, or for her loss of the independence she's enjoyed for most of her life. This daughter was frustrated because she doesn't like her mother, felt obviously very inconvenienced at having no choice but to be involved, and there was not a bit of compassion for her mother that I could see. There are not multiple siblings who don't care while one has all the responsibility - THIS MOTHER IS STUCK WITH THIS ONE CHILD WHO DOESN'T CARE. So for all the parents out there who have you, who may be the only sibling of several who cares, I say thank goodness SOMEONE steps up to the plate for whatever reason: love, honor, simple concern for a fellow human being, etc.
Even with all the frustration, anger, loneliness, amazement (that these sibs are even related to you), fatigue, etc., remember what all your labors mean to these parents who would otherwise have absolutely no one to at least see to their needs and situation. Give them hug them today to remind yourself why you're putting yourself through this.
Today is their anniversary and tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. I dread holidays because I am scared they won't even call and my Mom will be hurt and sad all day.
My brother actually wants me to get the roof fixed on my parents house.. drop everything drive 100 miles up there.. take a few days of work.. and get the roof fixed.. post haste! Never mind the fact I am and sole caregiver for my parents and have a full time job... he is too busy with work at the moment.
Ok.. now I am starting a rant myself.
The anger that is felt by you, I feel, is normal. Everyone deals with this differently. Maybe take a step back, focus on yourself for a short time, exercise is good. Analyse the situation as it stands and decide what you can and cannot change.
1. The sibling who has decided to take on the caregiver role for many, many years and now may see that they do not wish to take on this role any further should sit and discuss this with the other siblings to work out a current and future plan for the elder person. This will provide an opportunity to discuss the Professional diagnosis of Alzheimer's/Dementia with all the siblings so there is understanding and progression of this disease. This may be enlightening to all the siblings so all may have the opportunity to air their feelings.
2. The sibling who has been her 'carer' may need to give this role to another sibling who is prepared to take on this role. If no one is interested that is another matter. Maybe nursing home or other facility.
3. If the 'carer' does not wish to relinquish their role, then they have the responsibility to ensure the appropriate care and support is made available. Let us not forget that the elder person's wishes for their own life should also be taken into consideration.
If the above points are not possible due to the 'carer's' unwillingness or dare I say that they do not wish to give up their control of the situation to other siblings then what? Solicitors, Lawyers etc. Really?
It seems to me that Animals have more rights that the persons suffering with this terrible disease.
Are we not all adults here? Grow up. The priority should be the wishes and needs of that elder person especially now when the quality years of the person with this disease is in decline.
There is so much support and services available for all the family.
Discovery is not only by means of travel but also by looking at all life events and challenges through new eyes.
Be good to each other. :)
Siblings are truly choosing to miss out on things: even when dem/alz are invading like paranormal intrusions, there are other times when Mom reminisces about her love of flowers, her love of my Dad when they were post WWII newlyweds. i love hearing her stories, as disjointed [or even as painful] as they may be - she's sharing the fabric of her life. And that fabric is wrapping me up with more wonderful memories than the pain of her cognitive changes can ever take away.
Can you get a small area rug to put under her rocking chair, or ask at HD/Lowes et al about getting rid of the squeak? It might need a good wood restorer - depending on the type of rocker it is [wood v fabric?] - the joints/rocking mechanisms may be either wood or metal or a combo. Sometimes the squeak comes from the floorboard. But taking that chair away may take away her "go to" comfort spot. Lots of people have a fondness for that ugly sweater, or odd bit of furniture. Have you tried books on tape/CD? Mom and i love them, and it helps her with her memory -- even if i have to replay the same CD a few times to refresh the plot or characters for her. i love the summer - always picking her fave flowers from the garden for her. She can't read a book, and she can't go out to the garden anymore. So it's time to find new adventures, even [and perhaps gratefully] that there's no intrusion/combative disagreements on what Mom might like. i live with Mom, and she doesn't need their negative influences. They didn't even visit her in the hospital after her surgery [4 days' stay]. Embrace your blessings, and please, safeguard time for yourself. YOU need to let yourself have fun and enjoy TIME as well. Special blessings to all of you ~ you're the ones who love unconditionally - even if it hurts emotionally, spiritually, physically, or effects your other relationships. i pray you have strong compassionate friends who will always be there for you, too.
Do-nothings are better than corrupt, abusive ones who cause untold damage & make a parent's life h*ll. I have only-children friends who no longer feel as bad they don't have siblings.
May all be blessed for giving what you are able to make a parent's life easier.