My father died suddenly a year ago leaving a wife with severe dementia. I was the caregiver for my dad years ago and helped him get better after two years of living there.
When my dad died, I told both sisters we had to take turns. One sister can’t because of family issues. The other one has every illness in the book and drops out frequently. I have moved in and have help to work. My husband hates both sisters but supports/helps me. No discussion has helped. Just more lies of why they can’t do it.
I Know I am making this choice. I am trying to keep my promise. Yet the hatred I feel for the two or them makes me sick at times. How do I just accept this as a choice ? How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years?
I am in the exact situation. But I have seen the alternative. Let me explain. My Mom lived with me for 12 years. She started to decline with early dementia. She fought me on everything. She would call my sister and tell her horrible things about me. So I thought ok, maybe better for my sister to take her. My marriage was also breaking up from the stress. My sister reluctantly agreed. My Mom subsequently was relocated across the country and my sister put her in a retirement community with no supportive care. I was so upset with the situation and dealing with my own health and personal garbage, I barely spoke to my Mom. After 3 years I finally visited her because I could tell that her decline was immense. I decided to move across the country to help because the community she was in was not supportive for dementia. I knew something bad could happen. My sister put a blind eye to the situation saying she didn't have time to do more. She also refused to see Moms decline saying Mom "was faking it for attention." Really? How does an 88 yo woman fake dementia? Then covid hit. Then my Mom broke a leg. I still moved. You know what? My move saved my Mom from a horrible rehab facility. Saved her from dying from coronavirus. My sisters decisions were horrible and almost a catastrophe. Amy, I go in the garage and scream into pillows. I pour myself a glass of wine in the kitchen and put on a movie for my Mom just for a moment of peace. I completely lose it with anger just not against my Mom. But, I know what the decisions are when my sister is involved. My Mom suffers her neglect. What keeps me going too is being grateful. This is my Mom. But I'm grateful I have the opportunity to save a human life from neglect. If your sisters who don't care took care of your Mom it would probably end up in neglect and you would step in anyway. My brother is 0 help too. I also have lost years. But I still have the opportunity to have some good friends and small personal victories along the way. I like to believe in karma. Something better is waiting for me after my Mom dies. IT will find me or I will find IT. Hang in there. You are not alone. It might be small consolation for what you are going through and I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry that you are doing all the work and not getting any support from your sisters. It is frustrating and leads to anger and resentment. Those feelings are real.
As the oldest, I always felt more dutiful and responsible. And like you, I was so angry and resentful at my sisters for not caring about me and asking about me or even offering to help. One sister lived across the country and another was always mean to me and another had her own family.
I tried to carry on the best I could but my own anger affected my judgment and in the end it affected my dad's care. I feel guilty it lead to his death. If only I had dealt with my feelings. Talked to a social worker. Talked to a therapist. Found a support group. It is important to come to terms with these feelings and there is no easy path.
Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
This life we have as caregivers is not fair. I don't know how we can fix it .
Fyi my sibling has helped in virtually no way whatsoever, but has appeared after years absence and asked for an ‘advance on her inheritance. “ So I do explode, but I have the martial arts bag for that!
By the 5th year, even though my mom has a lovely home and well-maintained property, I gave them about 2 months notice that I'd be leaving (and moving I knew not where, but that didn't matter at that point; I just needed to walk away from the toxicity). Which FORCED them to 'figure something out' on their own. No ugly words were exchanged; it was all very superficially civilized.
Two years hence, I've worked through the obsessive resentment and hatred for each of them--with a lot of help from and work with a good therapist, and support from this forum . It hasn't been easy! I've earned the life-degree of an MFA in forgiveness and 'letting them go'. Again, it did NOT come quickly or easily for me, and I truly didn't believe it was possible, but I can tell you, it was possible for me, and I'm actually a better person for it (and I'm almost 66).
I'm so glad you have your supportive husband, and a world of understanding 'family', right here on this forum. My ever-increasing hatred against my 2 sisters was worse for me than caring for my mom. Please, I know you can't see it now, but keep going, hang in there for your husband, and especially, YOURSELF. Hugs.
If you are alone doing the care you need to get paid for the work. Plain and simple. My parents gift me well and my siblings are aware of it. It’s a lot of work and it keeps resentment at bay. I hope for you there is a way for you to be compensated. Otherwise your siblings should take their turn as well.
Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for siblings not helping. Sometimes not.
A sibling doesn’t have to take on the responsibility of caregiving, but nor do you.
It’s horribly frustrating and certainly unfair to the caregiver especially if they aren’t getting any compensation for it.
Life isn’t fair. So, if you are not happy I recommend bailing on the caregiving responsibilities.
Make arrangements for your parents to be cared for in a facility and move forward in life.
Take all of the energy you're using to be angry at your sisters and put that energy into making good choices for you and your mom. Your sisters are obviously making decisions that are best for them...you need to make decisions that are best for you.
My brother never did help and I had to accept him for who he is. You're going to have to do the same with your sisters. Accept it and move on. Ask your dear husband to help you find the right place for mom. I am sure he won't mind helping you move in the right direction.
Take care Amy.
I am sorry that you feel hatred. I would be in your Sisters' corners, so you would be hating me as well. I would not be doing in home care. I might, were I not too busy with my own family and/or work, help in some way, some appointments, help with shopping, the occ. casserole, visits, a few days respite here and there. But I would not do more.
You will have to come to some acceptance. You are doing this by your own choice and have made the decision to do it for your own reasons. You are in charge of your own decisions for your own life. You are not in charge of the decisions of others nor can you make decisions for others in life.
Rage is a choice. You may be deflecting from your own feelings of being entirely exhausted and overwhelmed by choosing anger rather than acceptance of your own choice. Anger is very energizing, while exhausting is debilitating.
I would suggest that you seek help of a professional counselor. Sometimes that is the only way. Your relationship with your Sisters may not survive this as you have chosen ways that are do diametrically different that you may not have a meeting of the minds. While that is sad, it does happen when people are very different in terms of life choices.
I am so sorry times are so tough and I am so thankful for your faithful and sacrificing hubby. I wish you the best and I wish you peace.