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Oh my goodness! I have just joined and was feeling so desperately alone when suddenly the sun came out!

I am so painfully sorry for what you have endured thus far & can identify with you in SO so many ways. Not sure how much help I can give just yet but I can sure identify and sympathize.

My mother is almost 95 and has lived with my husband and I (in an in-law unit she had built) for almost 12 long years now.
Because I have difficulty with guilt and setting boundaries I unenthusiastically, along with my even less enthusiastic husband, agreed to let her move here (she always told me she could never live in an ALF).

I have had a difficult relationship with her my entire life, though she isn’t introspective enough to realize it.
My only sister is mentally ill, has severe ADD & has never held a job. Thank god my parents had the $ and the foresight to create a special needs trust to begin after they were gone. Sadly we hadn’t anticipated my mom’s complete mental decline over the past 7 years.
My parents (mom) never set any boundaries for my sister so she always got & did what she wanted knowing my parents (mom) would bail her out. She was never held accountable & would sometimes call my mom 12 x a day ... every day.

Suddenly, up until a year ago, I was responsible for all my sister’s nightmare problems/needs, as well as my mother’s. I worked full time and my husband has many compound health issues (retired last year).

Mom has had several small strokes in the past year and now needs 24-hour care with 4 caregivers instead of the care she was getting between 2 caregivers and myself. The only thing she can do unaided is eat and “visit” a bit though it’s always in the moment. It’s very sad BUT,
I am now just at my wits end. I’ve hit an invisible wall and have come to resent her and all of her picky, ridiculous, annoying, OCD ways so much that I don’t know how much longer I can contain my anger. I have run completely out of sympathy. I am so grateful she can afford the amazing care she gets from her girls, but the majority of my day revolves around her (I am now COVID-retired). My husband is a huge help on the legal and financial management front but I manage all of her girls, her personal needs, supplies and every other aspect of her life. For the past 8 months I am increasingly needed for every trip to the commode, on top of everything else. I feel I have to be home every 2 or 3 hours to help the caregiver toilet her as she has also gained weight (now 185lbs) & then she wants me “Visit” and is ALWAYS having some picky little annoying “problem”. Compared to others in her situation she is the luckiest ‘fricking woman in the world! My husband is always last.

There are so many more details to this that I could go on for pages and pages but the rage might take over and my head would explode. Windyd, you have my complete understanding.

So many questions to ask in the future but I’m sure you’ve had enough of me for now.
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MrsHoover May 2020
xoxo
It's easy to say but diet, diapers, and round the clock care for mom would ease your life. Without adequate rest and recovery, you will be no good for mom at all, even with her living under your roof. With four girls, you should not have to "help" with toilet care and mom's bowel/bladder timings should be well known by now. The help is taking advantage of you! I'm MrsHoover and I change my 150+ lb husband's diapers alone several times a day. The help can handle mom alone and give you more quality time to give my the face-to-face time she wants. Good luck and write back. Help is here.
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