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My mom passed away a few months ago, and I feel terribly sad. Also, I feel worse for having lost my temper along the way of being her caregiver. She had lots of mobility issues and I just couldn’t take on all the extra things that she wanted from me as I also had a full-time job I worked at home. Also to make matters worse I put her in the rehab center for what I thought was only going to be a few weeks, which turned out to be over a month and she got sick and there went to the hospital and passed away, so I am living with a lot of extra guilt for that as well. I just am having trouble moving past all of it and her not being around makes it even more difficult as I lost my dad when I was young and I lost both siblings and sister-in-law‘s over the last few years , so it’s always been just me.
Thanks so much.

Oh my gosh, Carriebx, there's been way too much tragedy in your life. But despite all the hardship, you have no choice but to move on with your life.

It's been 6 yrs since I lost my wife of 52 yrs. As I reflected on our life after her death, I realized there were times I wasn't the husband I should have been. Anger, intolerance, for example, things I said, and things I didn't say, all led to some serious regrets. I thought then "Why now am I finally realizing that? It's too late to correct my mistakes." But the facilitator of the support group I was attending after my wife's death, said it's not too late. Tell her now she said. How could I tell her now? But I went to her grave anyway and poured out my regrets and asked for her forgiveness. Did she hear me? I'll never know. But it was a cathartic experience for ME! I got it out of my system and hoped she did hear me. After over 6 yrs, I still occasionally visit her grave and tell her about what's going on in the family, especially about the grandkids. Perhaps she already knows.

If you can't visit her grave, write a letter expressing your regrets. As others have said, caring for a loved one is never perfect. It's mentally and physically exhausting. It's no wonder any number of triggers can set us off at the drop of a pin. So forgive yourself. Your caregiving role is over. Replace any guilt with gratitude. I wish you peace.
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Carriebx Aug 25, 2024
Thank you so much for sharing and your advice. I have gone to her grave several times since she passed away in April and I have expressed my regrets and I expressed my regrets on a daily basis besides crying I’m trying my best to move on, but she was part of my life not just because I cared for her. My dad died when I was much younger, but she was just a terrific person and I enjoyed being around her. I loved her so very much.
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I have accepted for myself anyway, the grief and guilt are two ugly twins that invade my thoughts frequently since my mother died in January of this year. I was her only child and caregiver for ten years. First independent living which was not very independent as it required much from me, then assisted, then hospice/nursing home/death. She was 101 and the last one of out ten children left living in her family. Daily, she would ask, "Why am I still here?" What is God thinking? While I cared for her I worked full time and cared for a spouse with multiple health, substance abuse and emotional issues. I did lose my temper a few times, mainly by just being abrupt, only once did I yell at her over the phone. I engaged hospice after one of her many UTI, multipe fall hospitalizations around Thanksgiving time last year. The first hospice agency was horrible, poor communication and they overdosed her on morphine. Watching EMTs give my 101 year old mom Narcan is an image I am having trouble purging from my mind. She recovered from the overdose but then went on a downward spiral and died. We got another wonderful hospice involved prior to her death. I have often blamed myself for engaging that first hopsice and have irrational thoughts like "she'd still be here if I hadn't done that". Well maybe but she was in a pain filled body with a confused mind. I kicked myself daily for a long while with that and every little impefect moment I had with her became vivid in my mind. I think it is part of grief to try to make sense of things, the bargaining part that if we had only done something differently things would be fine. If my mom were still alive I would still be running myself ragged, bringing her things, meeting her a doctor's appointments, listening to complaints and lots of irrational delusional talk. It's only a few months out but I still feel such a connection with her, like love transcends all. Truly you did the best you could and you did great by her. It is awful to have to be the decision maker for someone, it's a heckuva weight to have on your shoulders. You had no way of knowing what the outcome would be and she quite possibly would have passed away without going to the rehab center- aging is something that cannnot be cured. Try to let yourself off the hook of guilt my dear- I am trying too.
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Carriebx Aug 25, 2024
I understand. My mom fell frequently and had chronic UTIs no matter what medication, vitamin supplements or hygiene, grooming things that I tried nothing worked.
I think I never had patience in totality, but when things started going really badly and work was just so stressful. I just took it out on anything and everything which is my downfall at my age. It’s hard to learn, but trying the best I can. Thank you for your lovely words.
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Lea and Snoopylove are so right. We are human beings. We have limitations. We aren't gods, and it is a kind of hubris to expect that of ourselves. We aren't even Saints, and it's a bad job to apply for; we fill Saints full of arrows, send them to heaven, then pray to them to fix everything for us.

Seriously, your mind will go, in your grief, to something to blame. We blame all kinds of things. Mostly we blame doctors and hospitals and nurses and caregiver staff for "missing things" and hospice for "killing". But sometimes, when there's nothing else we turn the blame to ourselves. That blaming ourselves lets us have some sort of belief that things might have been different. Grief counselors tell us that this sort of blame gives us a way to pass to the next stages of grief, because acceptance of a hard loss is so final we simply cannot yet face it.

I will be honest with you. I had marvelous relationships and journeys with both my parents and with my beloved brother during their final illnesses and their loss. I felt relief when they were gone, knowing they would not have to struggle any more and I would not have to stand witness, and knowing I did the best I could. BUT if I am ever in a bad mood the SINGLE time I had to tell my mom "no" and the SINGLE time I had words with my brother come back in to try to haunt me.
I just now can shake my head and say "Ohhhhhh, Moommmmm" Or "Oh, Dee......." with such mourning that I did that, BUT I can also forgive myself. And I DO know that I did my best. And that they knew that.

It's clear you were a good and loving person. And if you were also one who lost her temper? That means you are a human being. Do, when you remember this, try to turn your thinking to celebrating the loving time. Do get help if you need it. And do remember you are normal...you are doing what good people do, mourning a shortcoming. Please take care of yourself. Time is perhaps the only healer.
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Carriebx Aug 25, 2024
Thank you I cherish all my good time and memories I have of my mom. She was truly the best and finest human being and mom anybody could ever have.
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As soon as my feet hit the floor every morning I pray. I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up with the strength, endurance, patience and wisdom that I will need that day. That definitely helps me not be so short on patience.

Try using prayer to find peace. It'll probably take more than one prayer session. But, after a week or two you're likely to see some changes.

In the mean time, Satan and his legion will continue to play tricks on you to cause chaos and strife. In your prayers ask for a hedge of protection against his negativity.

I can guarantee that God loves you. There's something called 'agape love' that transcends our comprehension. We can't earn His love or disqualify ourselves from it. He gives it freely. All we have to do is accept it.
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Carriebx Aug 25, 2024
Thank you I guess I also have lost my faith so much loss. I forgot to add I lost my job too 6 wks ago so what I thought I was gonna have downtime in the fall as I took no breaks except for bereavement when my mom past . I know work was fed up with running to hospital and taking time ect with rehabs coming home. But I don’t regret it. I needed to that and I needed a mental break from work and simultaneously caregiving was just a lot . Now I am actively looking for a new job which amy age not going well. Ugh!
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Carrie, I just don’t think it’s possible to caregive perfectly — especially for an extended length of time! My father passed away almost 2 years ago and I still think of things I wished I’d done differently. One example similar to yours: my dad (a quadriplegic) eventually developed a serious pressure sore, one that eventually needed surgery and I’m sure contributed to his final decline, despite all our best efforts and years of previously successfully fighting them off. I still think of the long holiday weekend I think the pressure sore “took off” so to speak and of things I wish I’d done differently — like calling our home health for advice immediately when it seemed to be getting worse. But I was tired and overwhelmed and didn’t. I’ve decided to let that go. I did the best I could at the time.

Carrie, my condolences for the losses you’ve suffered both recently and over the years. Thinking of you. 😊
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Nobody is perfect, so why are you expecting it of yourself? You took care of your mother for many years, it sounds like, so it's only natural to lose your temper once in awhile, let's face it.

In my opinion, when our number is up, it's up. You had nothing to do with mom dying at the time she did, that was God calling her home because her number came up. Why beat yourself up about such a thing?

You did more for your mom than most others do, and that's the truth! I grew up in a house where my mother screamed bloody murder at her mother constantly. Unless you did THAT, you're ok. 😊

Speak to mom NOW. Tell her you're sorry for being short with her, and that you miss her terribly. Then look for signs that she's still with you now, just in a different way. She can still hear you, and feel your love. It's an unbreakable bond that transcends death and is eternal.

Forgive yourself and move on. And if you cannot, get therapy so you can. You've been a good daughter and you did enough. Believe it.
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Thank you for your nice reply. I should’ve been the bigger one and not answer her back when she was rude and nasty to me, but it was just getting to be a lot for me, but I did not want to put her in any nursing facility as that would’ve broken my heart, and she would’ve been so miserable as I would have. When she was in rehab places from falling. I would visit her every single day and bring her treats and things that she enjoyed, but she never appreciated any of it. I think that built up some resentment as well but now I miss her so much she was my only remaining living relative of my media family but worse of all we were so close as a mom and daughter, so it’s really tearing me up. I just can’t shake it.
thank you for listening
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Hothouseflower Aug 24, 2024
My mother was plain miserable, it didn’t matter if she was home or in the NH. I was less miserable with her in the nursing home. No more worrying, no more nastiness directed at me. She was at the NH with my father and I slept fine.
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Carriebx, so sorry for your loss. Sometimes our parents can be so stubborn that it is human nature to snap at them.


I remember back when my Dad had a heart attack, once back at his home I moved his recliner so it would be closer to the power room as he was still very weak. Mom wasn't a happy camper because the recliner didn't look good in that location, yada, yada, yada. I recalled saying to her "it's not all about you, Mom". Did I regret saying that to her? No, she was acting spoiled.


If we kept it bottled up, it wouldn't have been good for our own health.
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