Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Is there one neighbor that your mom is close to? Can you take that person into your confidence and explain to her the steps you've taken to try to get your mom care, but that your hands are tied? You can ENCOURAGE her to call APS when things spiral out of control and maybe there will be less fingerpointing (at you) and more community support for your mom. Amazingly, some parents will accept the help of outsiders before they will listen to any such "nonsense" from their kin. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Great replies here. Rkello, you've reached me by posting this... I have the same shame, etc., my emotions are rather dead right now. How can I be so unfeeling? Only daughter raised by a single mother who came out of the type of circumstances you name. I just wanted you to know there's another numbed person like you out here! :) Mom's 82 and I haven't talked to her in a few months... she has no other relatives or friends, doesn't even have a doctor really. - but this has happened several times before, I've learned to live with myself. I do think of it at bedtime and upon waking, but without anxiety. It used to torture the daylights out of me. Acceptance takes time, and we sure can be awful to ourselves. I try to be better with her, and then something happens and I lose my ability to cope. Be kind to you, and learn to accept that you are human and this is how you feel. You'd accept a friend who felt this way. Try and look at yourself the same.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I have had the same problem my hold life. My mother has always treated me like the red headed step child, but I am her child. I wish I had an answer for you but I am in the same situation . I put her in a home and she made me fill so guilt that I brought her home which now I know was a mistake. I have no help and she can not get Medicaid. So I am stuck . I am trying to do the best I can. I will be praying for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Rkello...hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Guilt........what an emotion........I find it helpful to take a step back and look at things..........your mom raised you as a single parent she was there for you and so on this does not in and of itself place responsibility on you to care for her. You did not ask to be born this was her choosing and her responsibility to care for and raise her child end of story. Live your life as it is yours to live as hers was hers to live. There is no repayment owed by you. People with mental disorders can be draining if you let them. Things will work out, if neighbors keep calling give them the number of Division of Children and Family Services in their area and instruct them to place a call as you have no power to help at this point.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

There is nothing wrong with you. You reap what you sow & she did NOT sow well. I am not in the same situation but my best friend is but thankfully she has a sister who the mother treated like she was the Madonna so the sister is the caretaker.

May I suggest, if your Mom is not willing to take her meds that you take a Valium (or whatever) before you go see her. I get along with my Mom, but sometimes...you know & even I will take a Valium before going to see her. Your health is very important. Don't lose yourself in her craziness. I don't know what you can do for her but others have great advice. I am just here to tell you to take care of YOU & YOU are not crazy for the way you are feeling.

HUGS HUGS HUGS and positive thoughts going out to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Things can change fast. My story is similar minus the real abuse. My mother just wasn't very nice, it was all about her, etc. She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's when she had a massive stroke. She survived but remained paralyzed and wheelchair bound. The fascinating part was that she had a huge personality change. She was the kinder, gentler Mom. She started telling me how pretty I was, look great the way I am, etc. Wow, never heard those things from her before. She was always critical of everything I said or did. I am sorry for the path you are on, it may take some twists and turns that you could never have anticipated. I agree with the advice to stay away, you absolutely must save your own sanity. If you don't take are of yourself, no one will. I take care of my father now and I take regular "sanity breaks."
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It is true... you are not alone. I could have (and have!) written almost the same as you in this forum. One of the toughest things to deal with is how to separate a person's unpleasant personality from the changes that occur in aging with dementia and Alzheimer's (like the bullying). I have determined to try and make sure my Mom is safe and taken care of, but to otherwise keep my distance. As I live out of state as well, I try to support my brother who lives in her town to the utmost.
So I don't have any advice, really, but try not to let her drag you down.

Bood
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

welcome rkello - I have an abusive/mentally ill mother too and I am a distant caregiver for her. I don't like my mother a whole lot either, and really dislike many of her behaviours, but also love her, in the sense that I want good things for her, and feel the need to help her. There are a number of us on this site. There is nothing wrong with you that you do not want to step into a situation where you will be abused again. The alternative is not necessarily to turn your back on her, though it may be. I have considered it. We each have to find our way through the maze of past hurts, present hurts, our needs, their needs and so on.

It sounds to me that you are doing what you can. You have contacted APS, you are in communication with her neighbours, you have written her doctor, were involved when she had the accident... I don't know if there is much more you can do. Many here, regardless of past treatment, have parents who are unwilling to be helped. In those cases it is a waiting game until something happens e.g. a fall causing injury, to force the issue so that the professionals evaluate and determine that this individual cannot live alone any more and requires placement into a facility. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, recommends that anyone who has been abused by a parent should not do hands-on care giving, but rather from a distance, through others who work directly with the parent. Other writers talk about low contact or no contact with an abusive parent, and if contact is maintained that it is necessary to set firm boundaries for your own protection. Support is also very important and also knowledge about the illness so that you can detach emotionally.

Please let go of the shame you feel and also any guilt. She is very fortunate that you are still willing to help. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

I gather no one has POA or healthy care proxy for you mum. Likely, at some point, someone will need to make decisions for her. It may have to be the state. Another alternative is that you obtain guardianship when she becomes incompetent. You may or may not want to do this. I am just bringing these up for you to consider. I gather you are an only child. If, when I agreed to take on POA etc., I knew what I would have gone through last year or so, I might well not have taken it on.

It seems an immediate concern is the neighbours who call you and feel you should be doing more for your mum as she is not doing well. You have acted very responsibly, in my view, even to contacting an attorney, who told you the facts of what you can and cannot do. They are trying to be helpful, no doubt. Perhaps they can call APS with their particular concerns. Their involvement is a mixed blessing, but may be helpful in monitoring your mum's decline.

Does her doctor have any suggestions? I found things had to get worse before they got better, Mother was in an ALF and became more and more paranoid, accusing the staff etc., and then finally expressed suicidal thoughts, but refused to take meds. This is what got the professionals moving, and she is now in a geriatric psychiatric hospital, on antipsychotic meds and better than she has been in a long while. She will be discharged to a mental health facility. Last year was "annus horribilis" for me - worse than usual and I suffered PTSD from past abuse. I have the same reactions as you to spending time with her and set the boundary that I would have no contact with her unless she was taking the meds she needs. Even then, I have told the staff that my contact with her will be minimal. I live 5hrs drive away anyway. I look after her finances (she sent her stuff to me), do some shopping for her, and so on, but I don't do outings with her. They require a wheelchair and at my age -77 - I don't want to take that on. She has enough money to hire someone to go with her. I help to arrange that and whatever else is needed. It is not a perfect solution, but workable so far. I reserve the right to drop out if I need tp for my health, as it has been affected by all the stress.

In short, I understand, and I support you to look after yourself first. Pauline Boss says it well - be humane to your parent, but do yourself no further harm.

Do comeback and share more - let us know how this plays out. (((((((hugs))))))) and blessings.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

There are many people on this site who are in the same situation you are. They feel obligated to help a parent who was abusive to them in the past. Try a search of the site. In the upper right hand corner is a search box. Search "abusive parent".

While I'm not in the same situation I can understand why this would be confusing for you but really, it's understandable. Your mom was abusive to you in the past but she's still your mom. I understand why you would feel obligated to her. This doesn't make you a bad person, not in the slightest. You've been hurt by your mom in the past, maybe many times, and this could cause you to think twice before jumping into your mom's life again. You're not a bad person at all. But when we have a wound we think twice before tearing off that scab and exposing the wound again because we know that it hurts. There's no shame in considering that before getting involved again with the person who hurt us.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter