Hi. My mom (76 yo) suffers from dementia, almost advanced stage, she's totally dependent for everything. She lives with my father (almost 79), who is mentally and physically ok. They live in the same building with my two brothers. I visit them on the weekends, and very often on weekdays, especially when I have days off work. We also have a female caregiver from 8 a.m. to 3 pm.
Mom is luckily very calm, and I really like being around her. Plus, I do everything when there, but my father is driving me crazy with his loud TV, watching the news and political talk shows, almost 24th. Whenever I ask him to lower the volume, or go and watch TV in his room instead, he gets defensive. I also asked him twice, in the lady's presence, letting him know that he has to be considerate of others (expect me) too. He just got defensive, as usual. We have also told him to go out for some fresh air, when the lady is around, but he won't listen.
Is there anything I can do?
I know the difficulty of pulling someone's attention away from their addiction.
It is okay to watch t.v. a lot, but to neglect self care and getting out is not healthy, and may mean a more rapid decline.
Find something that motivates him more than the T.V.
I sense this man is grieving, depressed, missing the wife he had and doesn't know how to process feelings. I believe the situation requires more compassion and sensitivity to understand the 'why' behind the behavior. That's just my take in the situation.
Let your dad be happy watching the news and political shows.
* Have you tried to have a 'sit down' talk with your dad, with no TV on? Telling him you have something important to talk to him about that requires his undivided attention? How would / did he respond?
* A heart-to-heart talk with him alone, over coffee. Perhaps go out for coffee or lunch or something to get him away from the tv. (I doubt 'trying to talk to him' while it is on won't work. He is irritated that you are interrupting his 'tv time.' If you go out, that distraction is gone.)
* If the above hasn't / doesn't work, what about having a family intervention since you say your brothers are there in the building (I presume in different homes).
Do your brothers feel the same way you do?
Lastly, it sounds like you might be doing 'too much' although it is wonderful that you enjoy being with / around you mom. I don't know if how often you visit is in ratio to how often the 24/7 tv on bothers you. I would think it bothers you 'all the time' whenever you visit. Of course, you 'shouldn't' have to lessen your visits due to the irritation of the tv (or the quality of your visits w your mom).
Until or unless you dad decides he can do something else, it sounds like he won't change. If it is as simple as getting earphones, great. I sense he might be very lonely (losing his wife as he is) and sad / grieving and doesn't know how - so he distracts himself with the tv. If you do / are able to have a talk with him, perhaps very compassionately bring these things up in conversation and see how that goes. I imagine he is very sad / grieving / doesn't know how to process his feelings.
* It sounds like this is his numbing out retreat and/or way he deals with his feelings.
* I presume when you say 'the lady' that you mean the caregiver - ?
- It sounds like you are not direct (enough) at times 'hinting.' He clearly doesn't take hints.
* If I were you, I would either or both:
(a) shut his door (hoping there is a door.
(b) Move your mom to an area of the house where it is quieter.
(c) In other words, it sounds like your dad is 'stuck' psychologically as he is unwilling to give / be considerate of others. He 'needs-wants' 24/7 distraction from his life. He may not be able to process his feelings so shifts to focus on TV (which numbs out or is a way to avoid feeling(s).
* This is 'more' than just tv watching. It seems to be how he survives.
Let us know how it goes.
Gena / Touch Matters
I had to live for 3 months witih my daughter and her family which included her Mother-in-Law. She slept iin the front room and watched Law and Order series 24/7. I just learned to treat it as background noise and was gratefull it didn't contain canned laughter. I understand how you feel because I would have had to get a motel if she did. I cannot stand it. My daughter wears some kind of ear buds and listens to her music when she is not working.
Remember, you can only change yourself, you cannot change anyone else.
You don’t say what model of tv you have but a sound bar helps a a lot with the flat screen tv. I got rid of dads old style TVs because I wanted to connect a Bluetooth headset. He didn’t like wearing the over ear or in ear headphones. I tried a sound bar and it works perfectly. Most new TVs direct sounds from the sides and back of the units. High ceilings create a huge echo sound chamber with this. A sound bar directs the tv sound directly to the viewer. His tv is about half the volume it used to be, which is tolerable.