Hello, I am looking for some advice or just general experiences in caregiving/dealing with my dad. Within the last year, my dad has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It was hard to tell because he still speaks and communicates well but you wouldn’t know until you press further. As a result, he lost his home. I tried to help him and get him a safe place to live and moved out but he would not listen or allow me to do much. I do not have the ability to care for him myself and quite frankly did not feel safe doing so as he had relapsed into alcoholism and drug use.
After several stints in the hospital, he was finally interdicted (conservatorship) and I was appointed as the curator. He has been placed in a memory care facility in a locked unit. The staff is great and it’s nice. Since being there, he has been a nightmare. He denies anything being wrong with him, he demands to see his medical record and the legal papers daily. He is very aggressive and mean to me when I speak with him because he claims he didn’t give me permission to have him committed and blames me for everything. He is definitely a wanderer and often demands to leave. Yesterday, I was told he was even trying to book a flight to leave but he also cannot remember anything short-term. His mind resets every five minutes. Today, he is requesting to have a public attorney.
Ant advice or support would help. This is very stressful and the situation is even more difficult because he did not raise me nor was he a present father, so emotionally this has been a lot also.
Thank you.
One tip someone gave me here was a good one -
dropping POA or curator or guardian status is an option, however one does not necessarily have to go that far if the parent is in a facility.
Eg I'm POA, you are curator. Your dad is in a safe and appropriate place. One of the few things you can do for your own well being is to reduce visits. Cut in person visits to less often, do more by phone. Or as suggested - go by if you want to see him, but just look through the doorway without him seeing you, and then have a brief chat with the staff on how he is doing. You can let the staff know that you are not able to visit as often, but if there are any problems from their point of view, for the staff to call you. THen you still are doing a good job as conservator/guardian/ curator. You will still take care of business as needed.
I'm trying to implement this philosophy myself. Its not easy.
Trying to explain and reason with someone who has dementia is like talking to the wall. When they're all worked up about some imaginary nonsense you just have to ignore it and pay no mind to it until they calm down. It's like trying to explain and reason with a toddler in the throws of a temper tantrum. It's impossible. You just have to wait it out.
When your father starts up with the aggression and the demands with you that is when the visit ends and you leave. If it's on the phone, that is when the call ends.
The staff should be given permission to medicate him when he's getting aggressive. Ask his doctor or the facility doctor to prescribe some medication to help him.
- meds for his agitation and anxiety. If he isn't on any, why not?
- lower or no contact. Your appearing in front of him is one of his triggers. It isn't helpful to him, so why do it? You chose to tell us, "...he did not raise me nor was he a present father..." so why are you choosing to insert yourself?
- resign your conservatorship. Allow the court to appoint another conservator and guardian, and his care won't be any different, nor will the trajectory of his dementia change.
Does he have a phone? How was he trying to book a flight? Are you controlling his contacts (with an app like some phones allow)?
Your own wellbeing comes first. Please take care of yourself by making decisions that protect you.
Don't visit often, or visit from afar w/o father's knowledge. Just to lay eyes on him and know he's well cared for. His behavior is typical of dementia. When I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, we had a couple who were former doctors living there. Every evening when Sundowning set in, the wife would come visit me at the front desk. She wanted me to call the cab company to come get them the next morning for their move back home. I wrote down her instructions so she could see, and assured her I'd call the cab, knowing full well they weren't moving anywhere. She'd forget all about it shortly after having me make the "arrangements".
Another woman got dressed in her hat and coat every day, packed a suitcase, and waited by the (locked) door to the lobby for her son to come take her home. She sat there all morning until the aides would come get her for lunch. She'd repeat the behavior the next morning.
My mother, and MANY others with dementia, suffer from anosognosia, which means they're unable to acknowledge the fact of their illness. They don't and can't believe it, so they've been "put in Memory Care for no good reason." My mother said this to me 10,000x if she said it once. Her constant complaining and sniping at me caused me to visit her once a week and leave when the histrionics ramped up. I'd speak to her daily by phone until she lost the ability to USE the phone.
Dementia is a horrible condition where everyone loses; the elder, the children, and everyone in the family as we watch the deterioration of our loved one's mind.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I used a locked respite care and my mother (96 at the time, with dementia and a wanderer) packed her suitcase and tried to order a train ticket to visit her parents. She passed notes to the staff about being a hostage. She blames me for making her old. Says I lost all her money. (I am using her funds to pay for her care) She (now 99) is very articulate and sounds rational until she insists upon such things as seeing her parents or needing a ride to school.
The facility will have to determine if calming meds are needed or ways to divert him.
You cannot make him happy.
You are keeping him safe. Good job getting him the care he needs!
No reason to feel bad about his circumstances he created them.
I would back off, not get involved, let the chips fall where they may.
Dealing with him will only cause you more heartache and stress.
Sending support your way!
Your father isn't competent any longer.
That means that the things he says and does are no longer within control.
Nor is it rational.
He was problematic before his being put in care. He remains problematic.
I think as good and solid an education as you can get regarding his particular dementia will help enormously. It is notorious for some of the very things you are describing. There isn't a whole lot to be done about it other than attempts at drugs and drug cocktails for some modicum of comfort and control.
This is very sad and is unlikely to get better until your father is released by dying. I am so sorry. This is very hard to witness. But you didn't cause it and you can fix it and you are doing everything right for his safety and his care.
I wish you the best. I think when your father finally does pass you will be greatly relieved not to have to witness his torment, nor be afraid for him, nor have your own life daily impacted by this torture.
You may be a trigger for this aggressive behavior; the best policy might be to stay away.
become more agitated lately because he is convinced that he has been wrongfully committed and placed there. He thinks he is okay but he is not. Unfortunately, his personality is pretty manipulative and he can be a bully, so this seems like it is coming out unfiltered.