How to begin getting my mother placed in a facility?

When applying for LTC benefit on behalf of my dad-the company would not agree to help my dad for more than a year in spite of memory issue, falls, eval by doctor, medical records and some other things that did not count according to the company. It was only until he could not toilet himself, remember to take his meds, bathe himself, transfer etc these are ADL activities of daily living did the company finally agree to pay the benefit for home care. My sister definitely needs all levels of assistance with ADL besides feeding herself-she is in full on nursing care we did not have to qualify her to be accepted-into nursing care-it was obvious she was way beyond assisted care.

I am sorry you have experienced a life time of dysfunction. I have had similar and still expose myself to my mother as i do their bills because no one else will take care of this. Other possible family member would not be trustworthy. I have become numb to her insults, guilt trips, accusations. I do what i do and go home to my own house. Around here is a council on aging-maybe national level or thru your home state list of available agencies for senior care/solutions. Maybe you could find Legal Aid society that provides low cost or no cost consultations to get you started about legal options guardian etc. I agree with other post one good connection can lead to another and another. I agree with other post set a limit. You could get a lot of possible resources by looking on the internet-phone numbers etc. Maybe even call a local church they are sometimes connected with people within the community and church members who could/might help you get started brainstorm with you narrow the search for agencies/resources. Then start calling until you get to the right source the right person to get you on track to finding help for yourself first and then your mother. A little bit every day is progress towards getting what you need.

Dear "alpr323,"

You are having trouble making decisions which is completely understandable because you are under severe stress, overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted. If you are not getting the proper rest and sleep, you cannot think clearly.

Also, please realize that so many of us even if our situations are varied have been in that same place so you are not alone in those feelings - not by a long shot. Sometimes knowing that others are experiencing the same type of feeling is helpful in and of itself. Thinking you're the only one feeling the way you do is very self isolating and it becomes a vicious cycle.

My suggestion is to write things down that need to be done in priority order and try to tackle them in small bites. Even if you could do just one thing tomorrow, that would be an accomplishment. When it comes to being motivated, we often think the motivation comes first and then act on it when actually, we need to do something first and then the motivation follows. Experts will say to set a time limit - maybe 1/2 an hour to an hour and do what you can within that time and many times you may feel like you can do another 1/2 an hour or more. It's the getting started that's the hard part.

The majority if not all of us are doing a juggling or balancing act and dropping the ball here and there. It happens and will continue to happen as we can't do everything at all times.

Try not to be so hard on yourself as you've become your own worst enemy - something you don't need to pile on yourself. Recognize your worth as a human being - there's only one "you."

Do take care -

When you're working the 4 to 5 jobs who stays with your mother who has dementia? Also, why are you paying her bills? Does she not have income of her own?
You are not obliged to be her caregiver. From what you're saying about how she treated you your entire life, why did you even consider moving back in with her to be her caregiver?
Questions aside, if you really want to get out of this situation which sounds like a horrendous misery, this is how.
Go to your town's probate court and petition the court to appoint a conservator over your mother. Explain to them that you refuse to continue as her caregiver because you're no longer able meet her needs and care for her properly. The court will then consider your petition and will appoint her a lawyer (which she will be billed for) that will represent her. If there are no family members available for them to appoint her conservator, it will fall to either a lawyer or social worker that the court chooses. What will happen next is the court-appointed conservator will take control of her finances (paying of bills and managing bank accounts), her assets (house, cars, etc...), and her health care decisions. She will very likely get removed from her home and put into a nursing facility. Whatever money or assets she has will go towards that expense and the conservator will also draw a salary from it. Then you will have to move out of the house (the court will appropriate an amount of time for you to do this. It will likely be 30 to 90 days), and it will be listed for sale.

I had to get a Elder Lawyer and get guardianship, and if you put your mom in a Nursing Home, make sure everything is out of her name . She would have had to put everything in you name in the last 5 years, if she doesn’t own anything then you can get Medicaid, or they can also take her Medicare as well. My mother still had to much money in her account so I have to pay privately until her account is under $2000, then she can get on Medicaid , she signed her home over to me 10 yrs ago. Good Luck

Dear "alpr323,"

I'm so sorry for EVERYTHING you've been through. You are most likely suffering from C-PTSD (due to multiple traumatic events in your life) as opposed to PTSD (a singular traumatic event). You are way in over your head with your emotional and psychological well being.

When I needed help knowing where to get started with my mom back in 2015, I was desperate as I had no other family to help me other than my husband. I started with a social worker at the Area of Aging Agency in downtown Phoenix. Once you get started with something, usually one resource leads to another .

You may also want to try contacting (or at least go to their website and check out their Programs - it has it's own tab to click on) Foundation for Senior Living 602-285-1800.

I sure hope you can get some help real soon as you can't continue to go on in this unhealthy manner.

You will be in my prayers - that God will lead you in the right direction!

P.S. You need your dog but, our Arizona Humane Society is wonderful and they may be able to help you. See if they can have a temporary foster home until you get this straightened out.

Yes I live with her. She was diagnosed with lewey body dementia in 2015 but had been showing decline since 2013. My finances are not co-mingled with hers, in fact my son is her financial POA because she was letting everyone have access to her bank accounts, was getting hacked and stolen from so often the bank threatened to close her account. She does not trust me so we made my son her POA and he's the reason her rent gets paid on time each month. She does not have a medical POA. I work from home so I am in this house with her 24/7. I used to take nightly walks just to get some peace but now I just spend them worrying what she's doing the entire time which pretty much renders those walks useless. I've applied to Arizona Long Term Health Care for financial assistance, they are the ones denying her. She passes the financial interview with no problem because she owns nothing and only draws her social security each month. It's the medical interview that she doesn't pass because they only really care about her PHYSICAL illnesses, not her dementia. Which still is BS because she has degenerative disc disease, a progressive disease where her spine is crumbling like sawdust. She can hardly walk and is in excruciating pain all the time. This still is not "bad" enough for Arizona. They won't say so but basically if you're not peeing on yourself, or drooling and can still feed yourself then you're too healthy for them to accept you. She has Medicare right now. The places she can afford on her social security check are places I've never even considered placing her in. I've spent over 2 years trying to get help so she doesn't have to go to one of those places. But I'm becoming less and less able to do this. I've become so used to having the worst of me pointed out to me I now feel like a complete nobody. I'm not comfortable around people anymore, I can't stand thinking someone is looking at me, I want absolutely no attention from anyone (which is why I walk at night). Her house is just a replica of the one I grew up in, small, cluttered, ugly, because she's always been a hoarder. In order to not have to actually see my surroundings I keep my lights off all the time. When I do catch an unexpected glimpse of my surroundings I just sink so low emotionally. I cannot even believe I've ended up here, living with a mother I tried so hard to escape, in a house as depressing as the one I tried to escape, dealing with the manipulation and dysfunction I tried so hard to escape. I have no outside job, no home, no car, no help. This is an awful place to find yourself in at the age of 55. She holds it over my head that I live with HER, have no home of my own. I doubt I'll ever emotionally recover from these years in this house, dealing with all of this alone. Right before I moved in in 2014 my older brother died unexpectedly, then my older sister, who was everything to me, died. My father died, my brother-in-law died, and honestly my mother has died also. I've lost people in different ways - my husband walked out on me and our two kids, my dad died after a long illness, my brother died unexpectedly without being ill, my sister died after fighting diabetes for most of her life, I've had friends and relatives simply disappear as my situation became too depressing to handle, but this daily death of my mother, watching her die bit by bit, seeing her taken over by this cruel, nasty stranger, is probably the one I'll never recover from because this has caused the good parts of ME to die as well. Having your worst side come out every day for years is very damaging. I've not allowed myself to grieve ANYONE I've lost because I've always had more storms to battle right after each loss. I have to push back my grief to function and deal with everything, so I've not even let myself grieve the loss of my beautiful sister who was also my best friend. Once this with my mother is all over with I know all that grief that's just waiting for me will find and overwhelm me.

How old is your mother?
What state are you living in?
Do you have durable PoA for your mother? Or guardianship? Or neither?
Does she have a medical diagnosis of dementia/ALZ by a doctor?

I guess I don't understand the statement, "I've applied for my state's assistance in placing her four times and they've denied her every time, saying she's not 'progressed' enough to qualify."

Medicaid has to do with her finances. Whether she qualifies for MC is up to each facility to decide. Does she have enough money to get into a facility on private pay, at least for a few months? It needs to be one that has Medicaid beds. Then, once she runs out of funds you can apply for Medicaid for her and the facility can't kick her out. This is what I did for my MIL. She's been in 2 very nice places, on Medicaid.

If you currently have your monies co-mingled with hers, you will need to separate it. There can be no appearance of gifting of money, by Medicaid's definition. The look-back period varies by state. My state's is 5 years. The home belonging to your mom (if this is the case) will need to be sold to pay for her care until she qualifies for Medicaid.

If you don't have PoA or guardianship your only recourse is to call social services to discuss the county pursuing guardianship. In this case they will take over everything, including all her assets and you will be locked out of her accounts. Not sure how long guardianship takes in your state.

Providing more info would help the forum give better suggestions and insights to you. Thanks...hang in there.

It seems that everyone has left but you. My suggestion would be that you leave as well after 7 years. You say that your mother doesn't qualify for care yet, and it seems there is no diagnosis of dementia. Your mother is paying the rental, so I am assuming that you are living with her. The fact that you have so many jobs means you cannot now be home with her all that much. I think you should get your own place to live and pay your own rental, and allow your mother to pay her own.
You say your mother doesn't qualify for any care because she is "not progressed enough." Let APS services know that, but tell them you suspect she will be unable to care for herself and may be an "elder at risk" now in your absence. If your mother is deemed to be unsafe then the State can deal with making her a ward of the state and place her to the best of her ability.
I would say there is no way out of this that is pretty. You must save yourself.

Dear "alpr323,"

You've been through h*** - can you work with a Placement Agent?
That's how we found the current facility for my 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's after she was released from being hospitalized and went to rehab for three weeks after surviving COVID and severe dehydration.

They know the facilities, they have connections and most of all they have a rapport with these places. Also with the pandemic, they will know who is able to take someone/who has availability. It would take a lot longer if you were to do it all on your own and you already are depleted putting it mildly.

Best wishes!

You're obviously a tough cookie. I would have folded after 6 months of this. I hope you're able to find a good therapist that can help you process all the junk. They can really do wonders to help us rebuild after being torn down by other people. I hope you will find a good placement for her soon enough!