My mother in law, recently had to be brought to my house, because she kept falling in her house, and we were told she could no longer stay home alone. I went to Miami, and brought her back to my house in Orlando. My husband is an OTR Truck Driver, only home 4 days a month. Her daughter lives in NJ, owns her own business, etc. etc. So, it was "decided" that since I was only a Waffle House waitress, that I was to quit my job and take care of her. I have two teenage boys, and a 3 bedroom house. My MiL, totally took over my room, essentially making me bed-less, I have no privacy or a place to call "mine" anymore. I like to sit at my computer watch Netflix, do some online Karaoke, etc. etc. But that is no longer an option because, she refuses to stay in a room by herself. If I listen to music, or put a pair of headphones on to watch Netflix on my tablet. She will, and I can set my clock by it, within 10 minutes have to go to the bathroom, want to go lay down, etc.
At night it's the worst, I will put her to bed, and every couple of hours, she awakes EXTREMELY confused, wanting to balance a checkbook at 1 am, wanting to watch golden girls at 3 am, and not remember any of it in the morning. Every once in awhile one of my boys will sit with her for an hour or so, so that I can get a quick nap. My youngest son even commented this morning. "Mom, why are your eyes so dark? Did you hit yourself?"
I have no idea how to care for her, no idea how to adapt to my sudden loss of "freedom", no idea how to manage my emotions. I don't want to develop resentment towards my MiL, but I already see the beginnings of those feelings starting to develop which makes me feel like a horrible person.
Any ideas, support, or online resources would be greatly appreciated.
"So, perhaps you can convince your husband that upgrading the bathroom with safety devices will provide you and him with support as well, long before you need it."
We installed safety bars (3 of them ) in the bathroom, installed a raised toilet seat, and a slide over shower chair. We have sooo much stuff in the bathroom for her, that my boys can't even use the bathroom comfortably, without having to move toilet seats or fold up slide shower chairs to take their own showers. The kick in the head is, when my children do decide to use that bathroom for their needs. As SOON as she see's that the door is closed more than 3-4 minutes, She'll start hitting buttons saying she needs to go to the bathroom, so much soooo, that my oldest son uses the bathroom in the Master bathroom for #2's, He'll make comments he can't even take a shite in peace.
The point is, even with all the safety equipment she is STILL falling in the bathroom, because it's the ONLY place she will NOT allow someone in.
My husband woke me up at 11 pm last night and asked me if I could help her change out of her sweat shirt into a Tshirt because she was hot. Now I KNOW they are ways to change someone's shirt WITHOUT exposing them, but she wouldn't let my husband do those things, she needed ME.
SERIOUSLY?
The Dr himself the other night called and spoke with my husband, and said that he would send a hospice DR sometime this next week to evaluate whether comfort care might help her quality of life, and the family's needs. I told the DR, that my research shows that most Hospice will send Nurses and etc for evaluations, The DR explained that he's a doctor that teaches other people how to become DR's here in the Orlando area, and he's ALWAYS hesitant of nurses who think they are DR's. ( I have no idea what that has to do with the price of tea in China, but whatev's) He apparently feels more comfortable with a DR giving her a once over in the home, so .... So be it....
We'll see how things go.
In other news..... So far this morning, I have been "Caroline" "Charlotte" and "Christy" ....
She might actually know my name by noon.
MIL wants to go back the era of fanatical modesty, eh? The era when old folks considered it their birthright to expire by degrees in an adult child’s home? And run the woman of the house ragged in the process??
Game on, MIL. That’s also the era of: Outhouse. Coal furnace. No central air conditioning. No polio vaccine. No shingles vaccine. No smoke detectors. No more than three TV stations (IF you were wealthy enough to have a TV).
Jeez, who wouldn’t pine for that? [eye roll]
And Waffle House or not, DIL would be unable to tend to MIL’s every moan. Cuz DIL would be quite busy maintaining the veggie garden, fighting with the wringer washer, hanging a household’s worth of laundry on a clothesline and scrubbing dishes by hand.
I think the transition from tough men to tough and compassionate is still a challenge for some, both men and women. It's hard to realize that hiring help and making adaptive changes isn't a compromise; it's actually an improvement.
He can provide good care by finding alternative solutions, starting with the bathroom.
When my mother stayed with me over the winter almost 20 years ago, I had grab bars installed in the tub and shower area as well as on the exterior areas near doors.
Now I'm so glad I did as I use them myself. Even though my falls are usually klutzy ones, such as tripping over the lawnmower when I accidentally leave it in my path, I still need to be cognizant of especially dangerous areas such as stairs.
So, perhaps you can convince your husband that upgrading the bathroom with safety devices will provide you and him with support as well, long before you need it.
And he can use that excuse with his mother - tell her that they're for YOU and don't even mention her.
The PTist or OTist can offer suggestions on how to place the bars, such as diagonally in the tub area if she sits down on a bench that extends over and outside the tub, plus vertical and horizontal bars along the shower area. I'd put them along hallways and doors as well.
And remember that she can keep clean through the use of dry shampoo and the liquid soap products that don't need to be rinsed off. For my father's last months, those were all that were used, and he always looked and smelled clean.
If you need more suggestions, I'm sure others will offer good ones, as many of us have been through this.
My MiL's Home Care Nurse visited this morning, and was concerned that my MiL hadn't did a complete PT in 3 weeks. The reason... She has fallen within 24 hours of some of her PT sessions and the PT will not do a complete PT session on a client who has recently fell. (It is some sort of guideline or something)
As fate would have it, MiL fell AGAIN in the bathroom last night while I was making supper. The blessing was she fell squarely on the trash can by the toilet so when I arrived she was sitting up right on the trash can instead of the floor. I told the nurse the same thing I told my husband last night, That we need to re-evaluate the whole bathroom scenario, her last 7 or 8 falls have occurred while she was in the bathroom. (Because she's old fashioned and has SEVERE modesty issues)
The nurse completely agreed and said that she would make some notes and recommendations to her PCP, along with our request to evaluate for Hospice. Her exact words were. "It would be a shame if she died from falling in a bathroom and breaking her neck instead of peacefully in her own bed".
I called her PCP this morning after her nurse left and told the receptionist we would like to discuss when we should move from curative care to comfort care at her next appt. The receptionist said she would send the message on, and that she would either call back or the Dr himself would call back sometime today. I expressed that it wasn't pressing, like an emergency, but we've never done this before and just wanted to get a guideline on when we should stop pursing curative care and consider comfort care.
My husband is a TOTAL momma's boy, who will drag her back and forth to the bathroom, to the bed, to chair, give her MORE cigarettes, because he's an idiot, but he tells me that's a "No Win argument"
{Insert Rant here}
See here's my thing, I know she raised him, I know she's his momma, I don't want to diminish that, but I have spent more years with him at this point than she did. OH and believe you me, I'll be here YEARS after she's passed away, so I remind him all the time, to remember where you came from, but don't make decisions that will impact your FUTURE relationships for a relationship that is obviously in it's last days.
Did that seem harsh? ... Maybe it's harsh... Maybe I'm bitter... The only thing I know for SURE of these days is that I am FRUSTRATED.
{/End Rant}
The thing is... My husband, I fear is not being objective, and thinks that by "man'n" up and doing the heavy lifting that he's keeping her comfortable.....
I'm sorry, that's just easing HIS conscience, not helping HER quality of life. And even though I think my MiL is selfish,I think that SHE thinks she's living in a hotel with concierge service, and is a general PITA to my household. I don't want her to suffer, or not be well taken care of. I think it's a fundamental difference between my husband and I, to know when to "cry uncle".
I hope that soon, My family and I will have a general guideline to know what to do, and when to do it.
As always, I am thankful for any advice and suggestions.
Thanks for the time, patience, and tolerance with my never-ending family dramas. (The Kardashians have NOTHING on us)
Hello All!
I know it's been awhile, I got a bad taste in my mouth from a comment that was given, and decided that I needed to step away for a bit.
an update though.....
My MiL was admitted to the hospital on Nov 30th, (My son's birthday as it were) and stayed there until Dec 4th. During that time, she was diagnosed with COPD/Emphysema (she's a life long smoker who will NOT quit) UTI, and Dementia.
She gave the nurses a pretty good run for their money, she just would NOT stay in bed, (they put an alarm on her bed) , She would stand up and just pee in the floor.
The hospital actually said she needed to go to Skilled Nursing Rehab, but after a day's search unfortunately there were no beds, and she was sent home with instructions to get PT/OT and home health. I have been in touch with many agencies, and things are starting to come together, but with the holidays, I was told that it would be a slow process.
She visited her new PCP on Friday, who prescribed her a nebulizer with albuterol (because although she NEEDS oxygen, he said he could not in good conscience prescribe it to someone who refuses to stop smoking, then he made a Kaboom sound) , prednisone, zoloft, and told her to take an otc sleep aid at night. His thought was, if she can get rest with a sleep aid more than she couldn't then she should keep taking the otc sleep aid until it stops working more than it's suppose to, he said he dislikes giving sleep aids to those with dementia, but he says if/when the otc sleep aids stop providing at least some rest, he will revisit it then. He also was able to get some things in motion on her life choices. He said with her stage of COPD, that "if" she was to have a respiratory crisis and they had to intubate her, with the conditions of her lungs, she basically would never come off a ventilator. Here in Florida they have different rules and laws, so she filled out her 5 wishes, and got her yellow DNR from the State of Florida.
We have a CNA that will come by the house after the 1st of the year on Weds, Fri, Sat from 9 am to 1pm so that I can have some respite hours to myself.
I was finally able to get my bedroom back, we got the sofa couch, I made it up, moved all her stuff into the living room, moved all my stuff into my bedroom, and shut the door to my room, and I basically stay there, (out of sight, out of mind) My husband finally came home when I called him and said that I needed him to come home because I was taking my youngest son and moving back to Kansas. So, he came home, saw how his mother REALLY acted, and called his sister and told her that if she wanted the responsibility to come down and take it, otherwise, STFU and he was going to do what's best for his mother AND his family. So at least he's on my side now.
She was having all kinds of fits on Friday because she didn't want to go to the Dr's and such, and I told her, that she was brought to the house to get the care she NEEDED, not the care she wanted, if all she wanted was to move in and expect to be waited on hand and foot, then she was mistaken as to why she was there. She pouted for awhile but eventually I was able to get her dressed and to the Dr's on time.
So although, the situation is still ongoing, it's not as bad as it was before. I got a space of my own now, she has a space of her own. We still have battles about how she will summon my oldest son at night to get silly things like put her robe on or help her put her slippers on. I will not get up at night to do those mundane things, because I have been firm that after 9pm, the house is sleeping, she needs to manage those things on her own. (because she totally can) so she plays on my oldest son's good nature, but he's making great strides in setting boundaries of his own. My youngest son just stays out of her way, but my husband told her, that if she didn't lay off the youngest son, that he would have no choice but to find other arrangements because as he put it, "My family should NOT feel uncomfortable in their own house".
So at least things are going in a semi right direction.
Thanks for remaining concerned. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.
Her sons would be even more irritated that she's agreed to spend more time than she already is. And she'd be assuming a much higher level of responsibility, and trapped in that role, than she already is.
I'm also seeing that she's still justifying and explaining. I know it's hard to move forward after being subordinate and allowing someone else to manipulate her, especially if this has been occurring by her husband as well as her SIL and MIL.
So it does take time to turn the situation around. But continuing to justify, explain and complain isn't going to change the situation. And I fully agree with NYDIL; to attempt to cope with an unwanted situation by compromising her own health, in any way, is adapting, not changing.
I don't challenge anyone who's written with suggestions of meds and therapy; I respect your opinions. I think therapy might be necessary if Desperate is unable to comprehend the depth of her subordination, and therapy should help her now as in the future.
I continue to wonder what her sons think of her and if they'll grow up being bullies themselves if don't see that she's taking steps to change. I've also noticed that she writes much more, including apparent ver batim conversations, about her interactions with MIL than with her own sons. They're in for some rough times if they feel that MIL is more important than they are.
And I'm being blunt because I continue to see justification rather than intent to change.
There are plenty of restaurants that would be understanding about why you left Waffle House. Get yourself a new job. And tell your husband to deliver his mother to New Jersey.
When my children were young (3 under the age of 4 1/2) I thought I had to say yes to my husband and mother in law's every order.
When my youngest was 5 days old, I was told we needed to drive 2 hours to a family party. I took a deep breath and said "No thank you, baby and I are staying home. I'm sure DH and the girls will have a lovely time". ((That was after several years of therapy).
There was a lot of screaming and yelling and "what will people think" (um. That I'm a new mom with an unimmunized baby and 100 people at a party?). Everyone was angry but no one died. I learned that I could survive not being poplular.
A note from my doctor would have been a bandaid. Being assertive and knowing I could advocate for my own needs has been a lifelong skill that I needed to develop.
I think DesperateinFL needs more than meds and a counselor. Too often on these boards this is only a bandaid approach. (And so many of these counselors won't give the hardline advice that people on these boards give.)
DesperateinFL needs to do what Dorker did. I realize that will be more difficult, because MIL was moved in and DesperateinFL was forced to take care of her.
Let us know how the conversations on Monday go! We are rooting for you, and I want this MIL out of your day-to-day life for your own physical health and sanity.
I started yesterday, I turned on my webcam and turned it around and recorded everything I done for her. I also bought two notebooks, one for the info and such the paramedic suggested and the other, Everytime I put her to bed, take her to bathroom, etc etc. I write down the time, which I can pair with the video, if SiL thinks I am exaggerating how often she gets up or requires care.
hell, last night, I got her up at 4:05am, brought her out to the living room, told her I was going back to bed, 4:18am she starts calling my youngest son's name to take her to the bathroom, she goes to the bathroom, then of course she says "I can't go", get her back out into the chair in the living room, my youngest son goes back to his room. 4:26 she starts calling my youngest son's name again, I get up and say "What do you need mom? " she replies "I don't know, Where's Nick?" I said he's sleeping mom, She said " I wanted him to come out to sit". I said "Mom, he trying to sleep, we all are." ... She pauses and says "Ok" , so I went back to bed.
But seriously, I'm glad I got the notebook to note the time, and the video to show that I'm not "dramatic" or exaggerating.
Oh dearie me, I am so terribly sorry that you have had to burden poor SIL what with her college commitments and all.
Are her hands tied so very firmly that she cannot resign her POA, which she clearly has no intention of using for several weeks? Then if MIL has capacity she can create a new one, nominating you, I suggest, seeing as you are the only one who stays within spitting distance of her; or if she hasn't capacity then DH and SIL together need to make an emergency application for guardianship.
You did not make up MIL's breathing difficulties, you are not imagining or dramatising the severity of her symptoms, and the fact is that this lady cannot be kept safe in the standard domestic setting. You are already being a SuperCaregiver, which is just not sustainable at this level for the next six weeks and especially not over Christmas and the New Year, and still she is refusing necessary medical assessment because you do not have the authorisation you need.
SIL may have other priorities. Fine for her, but not good enough for MIL's welfare. This cannot wait until the middle of January.
Recording her behaviours is a very good idea. Calling SIL to ask her advice on what to do might be another. A few broken nights might concentrate her mind on the issues wonderfully.
Depending how far gone your MIL is with her dementia, she might still be able to pull the wool over your husband's eyes on those 2 days he's home. She will definitely want to seem normal in front of her children.
Wouldn't it be scary if hubby and SIL decide to choose you as the Medical POA? I'd better start rehearsing in front of a mirror, looking yourself in the eyes, and say convincingly, "NO, I will not be POA. NO, I will not put my life on hold to take care of your mother. I will help when I can, but I will not be her primary caregiver." It really works (using the mirror). The first time I tried this, I couldn't even look into my own eyes. It took several tries, after several days of trying - before I was finally able to do it. (I'm from a culture where women are submissive to the male family members.)
What a novel idea! I actually had a thought yesterday before all this started that I should be cameras in the house so that SiL can see how "needy" her mother is.
The God's honest truth is... If I could just get her to stay still longer than 20 minutes and not require someone to ALWAYS be in the room with her, my quality of life would improve exponentially. But literally having to move her every 20 minutes because she's restless/bored/whatever is not only cumbersome but starting to show some serious strain on my back and knees. Who would have thought 100 lbs would be so cumbersome?
Desperate, the only person you have the ability to change is you.
Moving out for a couple of days when your husband gets home is a thought . ( do you have a friend you can stay with?)
You can not be so " dramatic" the next time she appears to be in distress and walk into another room and call either DH or SIL and ask for instructions. Video her on your phone so they get the full color version of what is occurring.
Make an appointment with your primary care doc and tell hef/him what's going on. Meds can help. So can talking to a counselor.
That would require her to stop talking nasty to me this morning, I have been "dramatic" and a "worry wart" all night and morning, even at 2 am when she was out of her mind thinking her son is still in college and her husband was still alive, she still knew I was "dramatic".
SiL did say last night, that her hands were tied at the moment, that she was quite simply incapable of taking time off right now. But she did say that in January in between college semesters that she would fly down and spend some time with her mother.
Glad the EMTs talked to SiL, hoping that will get her on board with the gravity of this situation.
Will MIL go for a dive with you? To the ER?