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The Gordian Knot of drama. All should receive equal shares upon the mother's death with the exception made for the sister who is doing all the work! It must be fair. I agree caring for an elderly parent is an arduous tenacious taxing demand. Regardless, if the sister lives there rent free that would be the case if you hired someone to come in, because your mother cannot be left alone. This is about your mother. Remember? It is not about you. If you were so concerned, then you should come an give your sister a break for relief. ENOUGH!
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Ask. Whether or not you and your sister are on good terms now or not - ASK. Tell her your concerns and listen to her response(s). Without knowing the full story you cannot judge her.
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Before you do anything, I would arrange a visit to see your mom and siblings. Sit down, talk to one another. Tell you sister about your fears, and give her a chance to respond. Your sister is living full time with your mom, and the times she's at work aren't a break or an escape, maybe she's suffering from caretaker burnout. Talk with each other, make a real care plan for now and for in the future.

If your mom is in danger (physically or financially) then you and your brothers can hire outside caregivers and lawyers to make sure she's kept safe. If your sister really isn't contributed anything and you and your siblings don't feel that her caregiving counts as contribution, then perhaps the rest of you need to remove her and take over care of your mom. If she is indeed threatening your mom then she needs to be removed regardless. Your mom's safety and well being should be more important than the money.
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Great answer, gladimhere!
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How long has sis been doing this?
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ZBrown, arrange a vacation for yourself. Go to Mom's and give your sister a vacation. You provide the care for mom that sis and bro do every day. Get back to us after that two weeks and let us know how it goes.
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Why not talk to your Mom and sister about the situation? You have overheard? People have reported to you? If your sister lives with your Mom then she is full time care taker. Your sister has two full time jobs. She works full time and takes care of your Mom. It doesn't sound like you have any idea of what it takes to be a care giver. Do you pay your sister a salary? You should. The only thing you seem to care about is your Mom's money. What about your Mom's happiness? You said your sister doesn't contribute to the household? Seriously? Does she take your mom to the doctors? Pick up her perscriptions? Organize her medications? Feed her? Shop for her? Help her bathe and get dressed? I think your sister deserves the money. She is there for your Mom. You are out of town, and don't really know what is going on and don't have the courage to pick up the phone and talk to your sister and ask her what is going on.
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Zbrown1117, something just dawned on me, how do you know what your sister is doing if you live out of town? You mentioned you had overheard conversations, but how?

And you mentioned others are telling you what you sister is doing. Who are these "others"? Friends, relatives? Who are they talking to to get this information? Are they talking to your mother? If this information is coming from your mother, please please note that with memory issues there are stages, and one stage is telling stories that aren't true just to get attention.

As for the jewelry, how to do you know you sister took the jewelry? Have you seen it missing from your Mom's room? Maybe your sister placed it in a safe place because Mom was giving away her jewelry to other people [again, this is common with memory issues].

Your sister could be totally innocent of all your charges.
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I feel for you, I really do.. My sister has POA and I don't trust what her husband is guiding her to do.
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RareFind, were you ever a prison warden?
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Wow ! This sure hits home . I am the primary caregiver for my mom who has dementia even though I have four siblings living. You have absolutely no idea how much work goes into taking care of an elderly parent plus your sister has to work so if I understand correctly you feel that she should be paying rent ! Well then someone should be paying her for taking care of your mother. It's so nice of you and your other siblings to help out with some major repairs when needed but believe me it's nothing compared to the sacrifices made when you need to care for an elderly parent. I'm sure she feels she's entitled . When you say your mother's being bullied into signing things over to her ? Is this just hearsay or have you witnessed this personally. Maybe you should spend your future vacations with your mother and see what it takes to take care of her . I think it might help to soften your attitude towards your sister.
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I should also add that from what you're describing, tell your mom not to sign anything when people come out to the house and try to get her to sign papers. Tell her not to sign anything. As for the freeloader living there without contributing, kick her out before it's too late and she does serious damage. There are ways to cleverly kick her out by making her as uncomfortable as absolutely possible. Remove all of her comforts and don't let her have anything she likes. If she has a favorite food, don't give it to her.

If I was in your shoes, here's how I would handle the matter on getting rid of the deadbeat leeching moocher:

The best and fastest way to get rid of someone is to stop feeding them.

* Stop feeding her.

* Put locks on all of the refrigerators, freezers cabinets and other pantries.

* Lock up all of the food and don't give her nothing. At meal time, don't set a place for her, eat when she's not there and just don't feed her or give her anything to drink, not even water.

* Remove her bed and lock her out of her room.

* Don't give her access to any furniture or anything within that house. If she's going to sit down, she's going to have to do it outside sit outside (and not on any of the chairs).

* If she's not contributing to the household in any way whatsoever, she's not entitled to anything and she doesn't even belong there if she's not going to contribute
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What I would do in your situation is just go for guardianship, plain and simple no questions asked. That way, you have control of who has access to your mom and her will, money and assets. Apparently the problematic person sees something they really want from your mom or they wouldn't be trying to coerce her through undue influence. This probably has a lot to do with why even my bio dad changed his life insurance beneficiary at the last moment right before he died, probably because someone influenced him like you're describing. This is why I personally would go for guardianship and take over all of the affairs. Guardianship is always going to be the best way to protect our elders at times they're most vulnerable because not protecting them is going to cheat rightful rightful heirs out of valuables that are rightfully theirs upon a person's death. Guardianship would protect the elder, their assets and rightful heirs
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FF makes good points. I handle the financial as well as the legal issues (which can often become complex) but there's no comparison with the ease of doing that vs. the repeated monotony of medical visits, the discomfort of going to and returning from the ER in the early hours of the morning during winter (especially when the wind chills are in the single digits), the drudgery of shopping....Handling the business aspect of caregiving is the easy part.

I think it would be helpful to spend a few weeks substituting for your sister so you know exactly what she's going through. Let her take a vacation.

Until someone walks in the shoes of the live-in caregiver, it's only a mental exercise, not a real sense of what it's like, to imagine how demanding and fatiguing it is.
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Zbrown1117, well your Mom might have been clear about her wishes regarding her Will before she got memory issues [either dementia or Alzheimer's] and before your sister had to give up her life to move in and take care of your Mom.

I understand your sister works full time probably 8 hours, and is that when your brother takes over the caregiving? Then your sister comes home and is a caregiver for the other 15-16 hours. That is a lot of work. She is probably doing most of the household chores unless your brother pitches in to help in that department. Does sis take care of Mom all weekend, or does brother help out? Or do you drive over to give your sister a break on weekends?

Caregiving someone with memory problems [Mom is in no shape mentally] can become a total burn out rather quickly.... I can't imagine your sister is getting enough sleep so she can be alert at her full time job. I think your sister is more than entitled to live rent free with your Mom.

You mentioned you and other brothers handle any major expenses or repairs. What is that 5 minutes on the phone to a plumber, electrician, etc once in a great while? Bet your sister would be more than happy to trade places.

Your original post refers to what "you" want. What do your brothers think?
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Tell your sister that if she continues her attempts to have your mother change the will, that you will promptly sue her so that all the money she received because of the will change she will have to use for legal fees.
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If she is threatening to withhold care, and you may need to call Adult Protective Services. You can find your local APS here napsa-now. You may also need to have a judge determine that your mother is incompetent, and to have a guardian appointed. In situations where there is family conflict over a will or care of the elder, the Court may appoint a public or private guardian.
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Oh any money that you guys are putting into that house save the reciept so you can collect that money back cause first thing all your mothers depts have to be settled before anybody gets anything , ok im done
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This sickens me sad,that another sibling would go to that extreme as to let themselves be navigated by sefishness and GREED, Unbelievable how one can get so greedy that there willing to sacrafice there relationship with other siblings over the belongings of there parent .
I just have a couple of questions, First is, Are you on that will ? Second, Is the will itemized as to who gets what? Third is, Has someone been appointed to handle the Estate ? Estate is used as to refering to everthing she owns from her socks to all accounts,houses,cars bikes walker, i mean everything, i'll cut this short, its sounds like a bad moon arising, but find out who gets what , who is going to be appointed conservetor of the estate, there more then likely be probate court who will monitor what happens to your moms estate if you guys cant except what is in that will no matter how you look at it the probate court is going to honor it as for the house she cant live in it unless your other siblings agree on it or your mothers will listed her as sole reciepient of that house if not then you sell it divide the amount find out what the estimated value of the jewelery and you deduct it from her share and spit it with the rest of your siblings, i say all this cause it happened to me and i advise you to look into probate court and its process hopefully you all work it out GOOD LUCK
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Wills need to be modified accordingly! my father had a will that was made 25 years ago! who knew what was to come. anyway...i am sole caretaker for my father but the will would have given my brother control of everything...and he would have screwed me at the end of this long journey caring for both parents, one with dementia!! this will probably should have been updated several years ago.
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ZBrown, what I sense here is a sibling who feels totally burdened with mom's care. She is afraid of being homeless when mom dies. You and siblings can resolve this by finding out what she and mom need.
You say she does not contribute: switch places with her and you'll see how hard it is to take care of someone who hallucinates. It is exhausting. What if you go there for a week. It will be an illuminating experience.
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Taking care of an elder parent, is no piece of cake. You say, your sister lives with her, and cares for her. What do you do? Maybe I am lucky, that I have no siblings. At least I won't have to fight with them, after Mom is gone!
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My Dad's ex-girlfriend (SHE labelled herself as ex- frequently,to hurt him) swooped in when Dad's obvious dementia turned paranoid (my sister and I were living 700 miles away,unaware of the extent of his mental deterioration, and had become "the Enemy") and got herself on all his financial accounts as co-signer.She promptly rewarded herself with a $25,000. miscellaneous "debit", after he wrote her a check for $10,000., which he NEVER would have done in his right mind.My sister questioned him and he snapped,"She's my friend! Do you mind?".I moved to Texas after he refused to go to lunch with us,when we surprised him,on the way to a family funeral of our 4 yo cousin.His nurses' assistants at his AL and his lawyer told us she was dragging him to Dallas to change his will and POA to give her complete power over his estate (we found a copy of his will naming my sister as DPOA,trustee and executor with my sister's name scratched out and hers written in when we moved Dad from his AL).Since your mother has not been declared legally incompetent (Dad was by 2 doctors before she could get him to sign and we beat her,in the nick of time), she can theoretically change her will cutting you out.An elder care lawyer (CELA-certified elder law attorney) can perhaps draft a "cease and desist" notice (Dad's regular attorney drafted one to Cruella Deville notifying her that Dad had been declared non mentis compos---legally incompetent---and that my sister had filed the DPOA from the standing 2006 will and would behandling all my father's legal and financial affairs forthwith.I understand the reply was a masterpiece of obscenity.) The cease and desist can also notify her there will be litigation regarding elder abuse,undue influence over an incompetent elder and financial malfeasance at stake.My Dad's attorney says he sees these attempts to manipulate elders with dementia for financial gain ALL the time.There's a relatively new law that annuls marriages of people with dementia, if marriage occurs within one year of diagnosis! Too bad the wills and wishes of parents with dementia can't be respected by their children! She is rationalizing that she deserves the entire estate because she is on-site---get an Elder Law lawyer to see what your options are or get a doctor to evaluate her mental competence to enforce whatever DPOA choice HER will spells out and get it enforced.Good luck!! It's amazing how greedy people can get when dementia/debility enter the picture.Protect yourselves,alas.
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This is what happens when things are not done like a business. If the sister living in mom's house were to pay herself a salary in the legal sense (taxes, social security etc.) and pay a reasonable rent to live there and continue with her current job, there would be more transparency and possibly fewer hard feelings. When mom dies, then her will can be carried through because family caregivers were provided for prior to her death. One other thing about family caregivers; they are not always the best. If a person is working outside and trying to be a caregiver, it may not be possible to give 100% to both. Therefore if finances allow it, use your loved ones savings to help with their care while they are living rather than try to save it for after they die. I don't think today's seniors had a clue what was going to be in store for them when they wrote their wills. They thought they would die in their homes and their kids would get an inheritance. Few envisioned living for years with dementia and would probably be horrified if they could read and understand these posts. Even with what we know today, the planning conversations are still inadequate. Sorry to ramble, but it can be so hard to remain nonjudgemental. This forum is very helpful, but sometimes I can't help but think, "back off!"
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Someone who is not local and has no responsibility for a very elderly person truly has NO idea what is involved. My mother lives with me (has for 20 yrs and is now 89). Caring for her is truly a full-time job (although I also work but have flexible hours). I not only am her companion nearly 24/7 which includes listening to the same stories repeatedly, setting her tv station to movies she wants to see, I am her chauffeur (to doctors, salons, shopping), her chef (grocery shopping and cooking what she wants for dinner every night regardless of what I would like), and I handle all the things she doesn't understand (bills, investment statements, ordering prescriptions and picking them up, etc). It's generous of you to pay for home repairs but I almost have no life outside of her care (probably like your sister). So, before you assume your sister does nothing, walk in their shoes for just a week. Sorry for venting but those who have not done it don't know what's involved. If you don't want your sister to receive (a probably deserved) more than her fair share, use your funds to hire professional caregivers for your mother. The cost of that care is what your sister deserves.
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Zbrown1117, I totally feel for you in this situation. This has actually happened to me. My "non-brothers and non-sister" (can't even say I am related to them anymore!) did this to me. They managed to convince my mom I was, basically, a bad daughter (I was the only one who was always there for her - no one else cared - only one to stay at home when I was younger; quit two jobs to care for her when she was hospitalized; you name it, I did it. And where were any of them, NOWHERE.). They got her to change her will and POA AND get me taken off the will. Now they control her and don't care. They put her in the most horrible of places and are sadly just waiting for her to die to collect her inheritance. I have tried every angle to no avail to get help. I can't afford an attorney, as I am on a teacher's salary. I don't care about the money she will leave: I just care about mom. She has dementia and was incompetent at the time of the changing of the will. But, apparently, she had a moment of clarity, enough to sign everything over to the selfish, uncaring non-siblings. It is so incredibly sad. I do hope your situation turns out better than mine. GOD knows how hard I have tried and how I always have done the right thing; and that is what counts. It just makes me sick that people can be so heartless! Take care and good luck with your situation.
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If your mother is competent enough to understand what she would be signing it might be difficult . Most ethical attorneys would investigate the situation before doing the paperwork
Don
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I agree with Mincemeat 100%. Do it tomorrow.
Also I would install a "nanny cam" in your mother's house. This will give you first hand knowledge about what your sister is doing. You might think that is too expensive or too complicated. But with your mother's condition and you are not there, you should know what is going on in your mother's house 24/7. A nanny cam will also show you if your mother is wandering at night or if your sister is allowing strangers in the house.
I provide caregivers for those with memory loss. I soon will insist that new clients install a nanny cam before we start working with them.
Good luck. You need to be vigilant about your sister's activities.
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There are several sides to this situation. Are there professional caregivers for your mother besides your sister and brother? If they are doing all the work and you are out of town, you may be under estimating how much work they do. I would recommend a face to face talk of all parties to see why your sister wants to change the will. Just think of how much it would cost your mother for caregivers if your sister and brother were not involved.
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Call the lawyer who created her current will and POA and pay him to counsel you on how to proceed. If she is not always in sound mind, it may be too late to make those changes. If your current lawyer is not an expert on what is going on, ask him to refer you to someone who can help.
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