My Father has been at the Alf for 3 weeks now and is miserable. All he does is call me and complain. He won’t leave his room except to eat, and goes to bed at 4 pm. I’ve talked to the ED and activity director. They have tried to get him involved and he refuses. They’ve sent several residents to his room to visit and encourage him to participate in activities but he has no interest. Any advice?
As my brother said to me "It's a bit like being in the Army when I was young, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it" and he did.
The sad fact is that your Dad may NEVER adjust, and may NEVER be solidly happy about this. Since when was life about happiness? Because if your Dad has lived a long time there were times already in his life when he wasn't real happy, but just had to muster through because that's the way of life.
Today the children of elders, who have had long lives, seem to pick up the idea that they are responsible for the happiness of said elder.
I am 81. Age isn't a time of great happiness, believe me. You have to pull happiness out of all of the losses kicking and screaming. It isn't easily found in the mire of loss upon loss, and finally loss of autonomy, loss of mind.
This is now about making the best of it. For him and for you. Or about allowing one to mourn the losses.
Let him make his own way. Give him time. And recognize that it is what it is and may never been the movie, The Best Years of Their Lives.
I am sorry. It's hard to see. But you can't fix it. You didn't create it and you can't fix it. Don't make yourself responsible for it. And let Dad know that he's going to have to adjust his attitude. When that's your response he may stop calling to hear it. Let him know you sympathize, but you can't fix it for him.
There are joiners and non joiners.
Is he on an antidepressant ?
In time your Dad may join some things . My mother did. She also sat by the front door part of the day people watching who came and went. My father in law mostly stayed in his room.
You must remember that ultimately his unhappiness is not your fault . You did not give him dementia nor make him old.
Some old people will be unhappy no matter what . Some will continue to complain ( after they have adjusted) out of habit to their families even if they aren’t really that miserable anymore . Some of them complain to family but act totally different in their facility when you aren’t there.
Do not bring him home to live with you . It would be too difficult to get him out again .
Truth be told before we placed her (she fought us for 10 years, lived alone in the mtns of NC) she sat and watched game shows for most of the day, she was very depressed.
Being in AL, perked her right up, just having things to do and friends her own age.
She took 1 day to acclimate, some take 6 months or more. One of the keys is to not be their crutch, don't visit several times a week, set a boundary for phone calls, ie don't listen to this complaint over and over again. Once he starts say "Gotta Go".
When I placed both my step-mother (memory care) and my mother (assisted living) the homes were quite clear stay away for several weeks so the person can acclimate to their new home. Is that what you did?
Don't take his complaints too seriously, they all complain about something, mostly the food.
Good Luck
What has the assisted living facility told you about his behavior? Is he depressed or anxious? Being stubborn?
Do you think that he would benefit from meds so that he could relax more?
I am sorry that you are going through this. I’m sure it’s stressful for you to hear his complaints.
Take Comfort in knowing that he is being cared for.
Give it more time.
If you think the calls are not necessary let a few go to voice mail particularly if you are in the middle of something or are working. Tell him you can not take calls during "work hours". Or when you go to the movies, out to lunch with friends, at the hairdresser or any other place you can think of.
It takes a bit of time.
And if he has never been a "social butterfly" do not expect him to change.
Some families want to push activities so that they feel better about placing someone in a facility .
While the ALF will encourage, cajole, entice, bribe her to go to at least ONE meal a day in the common dining room--none of us think that will ever happen.
We could be surprised, but honestly? Just getting her settled in there is going to be really, really hard. I can't see her suddenly wanting to make 'friends' at this stage of the game.
And that's OK. She's going to be there because she needs the care and safety, not to party. A lot of elders simply don't have the desire to meet new people.
(MY mom, on the other hand--would have gotten to know every soul in the place and been in heaven over daily Bingo and Canasta. I'm kind of feeling like we should have moved her to a care center rather than keep her home. Each person is very different.)
He never does any activities etc. However, he likes having hair salon on the premises. So dont worry too much about DH's mother. Play up the things she will like, eg the hair salon being right near here room. If they have newpapers available, puzzles, things that can be solitary activities, play those up too. Maybe she will sit by herself for meals and still go to at least 1 meal a day in dining room?
It helps a bit.