I’ve been struggling to get POA for Mum not because she doesn’t want me to be her POA, but because she was/is stubborn! In her mind, she didn’t need a damn document to make official who it should be and that it should be "common sense" that it’s me! This wasn’t about her understanding but just pure stubbornness to have it her way as always. Then it was followed by, "I’ll do it but I don’t want to think of such things yet." Then finally I talked her into it by saying she is actually creating the opposite effect by being stubborn (as she doesn’t want the gov to be involved, she doesn’t think it’s any of their business) but now we are at a stage where she no longer writes and she has declined.
While her dementia is quite obvious and increasingly showing (i.e., she talks about dead people/fluctuating emotions), I do still have actual proper conversations with her as well. It all depends on the scenario and timing. There are also times that she will remind me about something that I have forgotten saying, “Didn’t you say you were going to do this yesterday?” She will notice the cats are hungry and suggest feeding. She will know that the beeping in the car means the seatbelt needs to be done up. She will tell me ice skating is on tv as she remembers I used to skate and still like watching it. Etc etc. What’s interesting too is that a recent MRI showed no difference to 1 year ago when in my mind she is worse. She is succesptile to constant UTI’s due to her bladder not emptying and also has grief.
My frustration is Mum does not want to go to the actual “dementia” clinic (never has as she is not one to face her problems/accept them) and her GP is not willing to assess her capacity. So where do I go to have her assessed? I’m due to go to a lawyer to discuss POA but my understanding is they’ll just request the same, that a doctor assess her?! Can a psychologist do it and I could encourage mum to go for grief sake? I could also pick a psychologist possibly that speaks her language/is familiar with the culture.
However, most importantly what I find irritating is that so far the staff we have dealt with downplay my Mum. I find it quite hurtful! She comes across more incapable and silly due to the fact that she doesn’t speak English and hides it under humour and even my doctor (who also knows Mum) doesn’t appear to believe I actually have conversations with her! Sigh! Just today when I said I’d been upset and Mum came to apologize, tap on my shoulder saying “It’ll be alright,” my doctor replied with, “Yeah, she doesn’t understand, she’s not there.”
I’m sorry, but doesn’t that show she is capable of understanding I’m hurting and that she is trying to comfort me?!? She may not know how to fix the problem, but she is showing the human trait of compassion and that I’m her daughter.
Basically she’s been made out to be dumber than she is and that really triggers me.
I'm not just saying this because I want it to be true! If she didn’t understand or wasn't able to have conversations with me, would I seriously bother to have them with her every night! It’s insulting to myself as well!
Even when she was in hospital and I was translating, Mum was answering my questions (in our own language) but later I saw the social worker had written on the files that Mum had trouble understanding me. She did not have trouble understanding me, ugh. She was answering the questions but I was drilling for more info like a good daughter does. I.e., if Mum said her head hurt, I’d narrow down and say where exactly etc. The social worker also questioned if Mum knew who I was. Mum answered but again in our own language after first being stunned why I (myself) was asking her such a question.
Rant over. If they think her current state is not enough to understand what POA is, so be it, BUT I wish they at least aknowledged her true level and didn’t downplay / lie on reports!
Has anyone experienced this with medical staff ? Or with people who communicate in another language?
Those medical services & professionals that have not treated your Mother with respect because she speaks her original language! Shame! Where is respect for cultural diversity? Where is safe communication?
I should point out I am not in US so any specific info is not relevant but I would still say, find out your rights. Having access to an interpreter service should be possible. But in reality, may take some digging to find out how that works.
I have also found GPs reluctant to rule on capacity. It is a complicated area. People can have capacity for some areas & not others ie can make their own health choices for burdensome care, or for day to day purchases, but not have capacity for large important financial decisions like selling property. That sort of detail is concluded at the end of lengthy cognitive testing by a trained professional (Psychologist, Neurologist or ?Geriatrician).
Depending on your legal system, people with dementia dx may or may not be deemed able to nominate a POA.
I would seek Legal advice with someone who knows elder issues. Legal professionals will not allow a person to sign if they feel they do not understand. I would assume they could access a telephone interpreter service to assist (if you cannot find one who speaks Mother's language). Ask.
In regards to 'selling it' to her. She is scared of losing control right? I have heard of families phrasing it as 'giving someone POA' & keep getting no no no. Sounds like giving away her power..
Yet when I have heard a social worker ask "who would you want to make decisions for you if you couldn't do it yourself?" Or "who would you trust to speak for you - to say what YOU would want?" that quite quickly is answered with a trusted person's name.
I hope some of the local US folk can help with specifics.
The lawyer will talk with her privately (with a translator, not you) to determine if she understands the POA.
You really want to get the POAs done before you press for a diagnosis. Especially if she is in and out of it.
Find a legal aid attorney that speaks her language or will hire an interpreter to get this finalized, whether that means documents or no chance of documents. Get one that will explain, simply what will or could happen to her if she doesn't have a legal representative.
I told my dad that I didn't care who it was but, I would step away if he didn't assign someone. I had to fight to hard to be his advocate, needlessly and I wouldn't do it again. It adversely effected my health and I wouldn't die because he didn't want to give up any independence, even if he was comatose and the hospialist would let him die. Just BS power trip and he could choose but, so could I.
Maybe, just maybe, your mom can understand that many hospitalists aren't competent to have the final say, yet, she is giving them that ability and authority by NOT giving it to someone she trusts.
Edir: you should speak with Medicare about the legality of the hospital providing a translater and you just listen and not put yourself in the middle. That's what I would do.
You need to get the POA now. Tell Mom this is the only way you will be listened to if she can't express herself. Tell her without POA, the State could step in and take over her care and finances. For most people the government is the last one they want in charge of their lives. I would try and find a lawyer who speaks her language. He has to ask your Mom questions without u there. You interpreting is a conflict of interest. A person not understanding your language, can not be sure if you are telling them what Mom is actually saying.
If you go for the POA I suggest you make the appt for early in the day. Late afternoon can bring on sundowning. Also, have it made immediate since Mom is already showing signs of Dementia. This way as soon as Mom signs it, its in effect. No waiting for a doctor to declare her incompetent. This is for both financial and medical.
Manuvering our medical system is hard enough when everyone speaks English. Still alot of misinterpretation. But throw in a language barrier, its is really hard.
So I guess my question is more how the heck do I get her assessed. The doctors haven’t said she’s not capable but pretty much don’t care to do the assessment. I kind of understand this as these days doctors only spend a good 15mins if even that with patients and we see more than one doctor as well because sometimes mums problems can’t wait a week or two for an appointment. I’m not aware of general doctors here that speak our language but I will keep trying. Neither am I aware of lawyers here that speak it but I can get a translater.
I believe she’s beyond just sitting with a lawyer on her own and signing forms, she cannot write anymore. This is why I need her assessed.
But it’s super frustrating!