Before I begin, I wanted to say that this site has helped me! It has been great to connect with others who share the same/similar stories.
I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance. At one time many years ago, I felt like I could have taken care of him. But I have realized that I can not do it alone. I do not have siblings. Also I need to work in order to support myself. I feel guilty for even thinking that in home care or assisted living is what is best. Also, I know that his family will more than likely think bad of me for it. I'm not selling my home to move into his because if something happens to him, I'm stuck with it and I do not want to live in the area in the event something happens to him. I have only stayed around for him and my mom and she passed away many years ago. Him moving in with me is not an option because I do not have the space. As I stated in my first post, our relationship is strained. My childhood was full of negativity because of the treatment from him towards me and my mom. I'm very tired now from taking care of two household.. his and mine for the last 21 years since my mom has been gone.
He went from being alone in a house all day laying in bed to now having stimulating activities from morning to night doing all sorts of activities, including swimming, which he does multiple times a week with his new friends. It's really astounding.
It's sad that he is in his 80's though but I have come to realize it's a new stage of life and given the alternatives this one is probably the best.
If I knew then what I know now I would have simply told my father all the great benefits of assisted living and set up an appointment to visit with no obligation. No guilt at all!
But you aren't at fault.
You didn't cause your father's aging needs.
You can't fix your father's aging needs.
So much of it is just using the right word in your own head. The right g-word is grief. You are grieving your Dad's losses and they are WORTH the grieving.
You are grieving your own helplessness and feelings of hopelessness. And that's worth grieving.
Guilt suggests that if you are just better some magical thing will make this all go away, and it won't. So recognize that this is what is on the plate for you both, and you both hate it, mourn it. But it is here, and you both have an obligation to do the best you can with it without sacrificing your own life to it.
I sure wish you luck, but remember that words matter and it is crucial to remember you are not a felon and you are not a saint. You are a human being doing the very best you are able under difficult circumstances. Good luck Faith.