I have not 100% decided but she is driving me nuts and our relationship is suffering.
BUT how would you say, nicely, "Mom, you're driving me nuts and you need to leave"? I don't know if I could live with myself.
I just don't know. It would be a relief to be alone with hubby BUT not a necessity. He is so good about it. And good to her.
One issue is wanting to go away sometimes and not having anywhere for mom to go. My sister doesn't really want her there anymore for more than a night or two and doesn't want to tell mom that. So that is leaving me in a bind. She "could" stay home alone but hasn't done so for a decade or so. She's way more dependent than she should be and it's maddening.
And I have an issue with the money that would have to be spent if she were to agree to move out. She'd need assisted living as she can't quite navigate everything on her own. That's expensive and I'd hate to see all her money quickly used up on this and then what? She probably would not need a nursing home for a long time so what would happen when she runs out of money in a year or two?
Sorry for rambling. I'm just trying to figure out what I mean, how I feel, what I'm willing to deal with for fallout, etc. I'm sad and overwhelmed and frustrated.
My advice to anyone reading this - do NOT move your parents in with you.
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Have a talk with a counselor if that will help you settle your mind and how to broach this subject. Go in realistically and don’t expect your mom to do cartwheels. Of course, it will be a shock to her but you're mental health and marriage needs to be a priority too.
if you decide to not move her then find a place that will accept her for respite and get away.
everyone. There are always single elderly needing help with bills that will share their home. Hope you get the help you need . God bless 🙏🙏
You will need to be sure and firm about it - otherwise it will just be a negative discussion with no positive outcome.
Your husband sounds very supportive - maybe get him to help.
Good luck!
Otherwise find a new interest or hobby for her. Try an art class, glass art, knitting etc at a local community center, bingo,
Call a counselor at your local agency on Aging for suggestions on programs & activities and perhaps a family counselor for some guidance and therapy.
It sounds like moving her is a financially expensive short term solution that will create additional problems later on when her money is gone
Beat wishes
My poor mom probably won't live liong enough to see her beloved Sr Center open again---she misses her BINGO friends tremendously!
And just a thought--she has a home she can rent/sell for income. That should be used for her care. You need to not 'hope' for an inheritance. Yes, NH care can ne super expensive, but can you put a price tag on your personal serenity and mental state?
Good Luck with this. DH is going to have 'the talk' with his mother sometime this year. Probably the next time she has an epic fall and he and SIL can convince her she isn't safe living at home alone.
I feel your pain. I truly do! I was in your shoes. I cared for my mom for 15 long years.
It wasn’t bad when mom first moved in. I wanted her with us. She needed us after losing her home in a major Hurricane.
I just wish that I would have had the foresight to know that it would have been best as a temporary measure until we found placement in a facility.
As time goes on things become more awkward to arrange.
The truth is that none of us realize how hard it will become, right?
Then we face the hard truth, that the relationship does decline with our parents when we are stressed out!
Plus our marriages take a hit while caregiving.
As you say, it certainly does drive us crazy!
It won’t get any easier. It will only become harder.
So what is the next step? Mom can move into an assisted living facility. Start looking now.
Don’t be concerned about the cost. It is money well spent for the correct intended purpose.
How old is your mom? What is her overall health?
So sorry that you are struggling more and more.
I know that it’s hard to deal with. I do understand how you feel.
I had a variety of feelings before my mom moved out of my home.
You are not wrong to want your life back with your husband. I wanted that too.
My husband was extremely understanding but he wanted time alone with me just as much as I wanted time alone with him.
It takes awhile to sort out our feelings. After you have stepped away, it will become clearer for you and you will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders.
All the best. Take care.
So, you pick the lesser of the two evils which is, you tell mother she has to move out, but that you'll help her get settled in a new place and you won't be deserting her, etc. Like Alva said, it's "Me not you, mom' and all that jazz. Truth is, mom, I'm too old for this & my marriage is suffering. DH would never say a word, so I'm speaking for BOTH of us: we need our alone time now. Yep, blame it on the marriage needing rejuvenation. Hard to argue with, something like that! What is she going to say? Oh just go right ahead and have wild monkey sex with me in the next room? LOL
You made a mistake moving your mother in. But it's fixable now. A much much bigger mistake would be to CONTINUE having her live with you for the next decade or two.............that would be the REAL mistake. Cut your losses now, kindly, and move on.
Your mother's money is there to be spent on the best available care for her. She can go to an ALF at the lowest care level now, and then move up as her needs increase. Look around for a privately owned place (that's my recommendation) b/c corporate owned places love to PRICE GAUGE and raise rates monthly for incidental nonsense which they look for with a microscope.
When her $$$ runs out, you apply for Medicaid and she'll be placed accordingly. Stop thinking of this as a punishment and start thinking of it as adult day camp, b/c that's what it IS. My mother has been fed and entertained and cared for in AL and now MC since 2014. She would have been even MORE miserable than she normally is if she lived with me b/c there would be NO entertainment and nobody to canoodle with and complain to 24/7. No young girls to laugh and fool around with and help her shower and all that. They tell her their life stories and boyfriend/hubby troubles and she eats it up with a spoon. She's even had men invite her on cruises! Truthfully, it's not the horror show some around here make it out to be. We should all be so lucky as to afford AL when we get to be their age.
Do it and don't look back. You'll be glad you did and your mother will be FINE!
Good luck!
Good intentioned but things have changed substantially in 5 years. Dad died 1 year after they moved in. Her condition has gone slowly downhill. Etc, etc. Things I never expected to happen, happened. Things that I was blind to, now I see with both eyes wide open. Some ugly truths that I am not happy with.
I know a very nice ALF in the area. She could definitely benefit from being around people in an ALF. Here, it's just me and hubby (who works 60 hours a week). I'm busy and out of the house a lot too. Blah, blah, blah.
I am going to have to put my big girl panties on and fine tune a way to have this difficult yet necessary convo.
As to whether you choose to live like this, that is yours to answer. I would last until vaccinations if you are able.
As to how to tell her, try this:
"Mom, you know I love you. We are different people who have differences but this isn't a question of love. This is a question of limitations; I have just bumped up against my own. I am sorry I didn't know before you moved in, but I do know now. I cannot live with you. To be frank, sweet and perfect my hubby is, it isn't easy for me to live with anyone, and it is impossible for me to live with you. We would end with a broken relationship. The last thing we need. I will promise you I would not desert you, and will help you where and how I can, but I am so sorry to have to tell you I cannot live with you. This isn't your fault. It is my limitation. And I am sorry for it, but this is my one life, and it will not change. I think now I need to tell you that we will work on this together; I can wait a few months, but we must start now. A apologize Mom for all my failings. I am not a Saint. It's a bad job description, anyway, Sainthood. I love you. But this won't work for me".
Now you can shorten it or lengthen it. Make it clear it is not about her. It is about you. You simply are not up to it, and you WON'T be up to it, and you will accept the judgement of any and all, and will gladly take the blame. It isn't argument. It is fact. As to now grief or guilt? I would choose the former. You are not a felon. You are a human being with a right to live her own life, and with the sadness and grief that decision brings.
Other choice? Martyr yourself on the altar of this for a few decades. Some may praise you, but very few. They will say it was your choice. You did it because you CHOSE to do it. And what you accept to do you are exPECTED to do.
It gives me a sick feeling in my stomach to think about doing this. I'm not sure when I will be ready to do it, but it is going to have to happen. Every day there are more reasons to do it. But as with every decision, there are pros and cons.
But your way of dropping the bomb are VERY kind and could be taken in a way so as not to totally ruin what it left of our relationship.