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I’m so sorry for you and husband. My advice for you would be place her in nursing home ASAP. Don’t pass go, don’t collect 200.00 dollars. Save yourself. I say this because I had to move my mother in with my husband of 1 year. We have had no time together just the 2 of us. It stinks. I thank God we get along great, rarely do we argue, when we do it is over almost as fast as it started. I do feel that my mom has gone nuts and took me with her. Some days I just can’t deal with her. So I have to just gray rock her. We moved to her house three years ago because we had two stories and step were hard d for her. Mistake we should have placed her in nursing home then. Please do yourself and your husband a favor , think of yourselves. You won’t get any thanks or help from other family members. Sorry I couldn’t be more help. This comes after four years taking care of mom who is now 89. She will out live me and husband.
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What were those "right" reasons that you and your husband made this decision for?
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SJLSJL May 2019
She wasn’t being cared for properly (at all really). It’s his mom and she needed help. It was killing his dad trying to cope with her. We believed we could give her a comfortable, safe environment (their home was not in a good place and dad refused help such as cleaner or meals on wheels). We have kept her safe, she is in a better condition physically than when we brought her here, but we were very unprepared for her actual condition. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. She has had Alzheimer’s for a decade or more now and the illness is fairly advanced.
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Oh dear. Why would you want the moral high ground? What exactly is that anyway? Great answers given. It’s not giving up. It’s facing the truth. Alzheimer suffers go like a freight train and will roll right over the top of you. This is bad and no, you are not quitters You and your husband really need to get this sorted ASAP. You will go crazy - quickly. She is not physically healthy. She is peeing everywhere and while I am thinking about it, how many hours sleep a day is your husband getting? You say it is tearing your marriage apart. Your husband needs to place you before his mother and keep his marriage together. It’s his mother so stand firm and get him to deal with it and 100% believe me. IT DOESNT GET ANY BETTER.
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Kicking the dog IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. You must keep her away from the dogs. That is animal abuse. Period.
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Nuttybuddy1 May 2019
I didn’t see anything in article about her kicking the dog.
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Agree with the other comments about it's not about love being enough. If love were enough?  Ahh...would be so easy if it was just that. But as another perspective, because love is not enough, sometimes you have to make difficult decisions to do what is best. For her and for yourselves. I don't know what that decision would be for you, but it sounds like this isn't working out so well. There are other ways that can benefit all of you.

And I'll just say it. It kinda sounds like you guys are a bit (or a lot) in over your heads, as they say. And, that's ok. There's such a learning curve to all of this. One thing I've learned? I want to make sure my mom is taken care of, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And I'll never give up on doing that. But when I became unable to provide that care myself, and when changes were made? Turns out, it all worked out ok. I knew for the longest I was in over my head, but until it actually changed, and I look back, it wasn't until then I realized the insanity of what I was trying to do.
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I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with 'love' for your MIL, of course you both love her. This should have to do with what's best for HER; what's safest for her; where she can get the type of care she needs by a qualified staff who works in shifts to give her that care. You and your husband are incapable, and unqualified, to care for a 91 year old Alzheimer's patient who thinks her son is her husband and who is peeing on the floor & ordering you around like you were the hired help. Since she already believes she's residing in a nursing home, my suggestion to you is to find her a wonderful Assisted Living Facility that specializes in Memory care/Alzheimer's, and place her there right away, for her own safety (and for your sanity). At some point, she is likely to start wandering and then leave the house in the middle of the night. The ALF keeps the doors locked to prevent such a thing from happening. I used to care for a wonderful old gentleman who was burdened with AZ. His daughter thought it would be 'cruel' to place him in a facility, in spite of him insisting he lived across the street. He'd wander out every night, until one day, he fell and died of a subdural hematoma. It's not a 'cruel' thing to place an AZ patient; it's the right thing to do. If your MIL does not have the funds for a private pay facility, look into applying for Medicaid and having her placed that way, and you can visit often. In any event, please DO NOT ruin YOUR retirement and/or your marriage in a misguided attempt to 'do the right thing' by caring for someone you're unqualified to care for. Things only get worse for these old gals........they do not get better. Trust me, I know. My mother is 92 and going downhill VERY quickly, having fallen 3x in the past 2 weeks. The kindest thing I've EVER done for her was placing her in a local ALF about 4 miles away where she has wonderful care from a staff of lovely people.

All the best of luck, my friend.
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SJLSJL May 2019
Thank you. Timely reality check. We aren’t qualified - we are floundering around trying to meet the needs of someone when we really don’t have a full understanding of what those needs are. I don’t know if we can get there with her in her present state, and also, through reading A LOT recently, know we have harder days ahead if we persist. Which I guess is the scariest thing. And ultimately, I am no good to anyone when I’m this tired. I can’t keep things in perspective, everything seems insurmountable right now. And perhaps, for us, it is.
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I’m sorry. We can’t tell you it will improve because it won’t. It wouldn’t be fair or kind to tell you it will. And by the time she passes, irreparable damage may have been done to your marriage.

Somewhere in the past, you made the Noble Promise to her or to the family not to put her in a facility, correct? You viewed what was to come when she moved in with you through rose-colored glasses. Now you’re suffering the harsh realities of life controlled by dementia. I’m sure she would be absolutely mortified if she could have predicted the future and see herself as she is now.

You have a choice. You can gamble with your future and her’s and keep things status quo. Or, you can sit down with your husband and his family if he has any sibs and admit that this isn’t working out. Sure, you can import in-home health care. You can send her off for respite care once every few months so you and hubby can reconnect with each other. You can delegate some of the nighttime potty trips and other care responsibilities to him. You can take her to the doctor and have her meds adjusted. But, 90% of the time it will still be the three of you. You are doing the work of three shifts of trained caregivers around the clock

How long you can tolerate this situation is up to you and your husband. It’s ok to admit defeat and say “we can’t do this anymore. We gave it the old college try and it didn’t work.” She can’t help who she has become but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own lives for her.
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SJLSJL May 2019
You are so right. We went into this saying to each other “it’s gonna be hard, but we can do this together”. Well, we had no idea. We thought how hard can it be to care of one sweet old lady. We can feed her right, get her clean and infection free (she came to us with horrible fungul infections in several areas of her body), and love her - every day let her know by our actions that she still matters and people still love her. We never expected the push back we get from her on everything- it’s like living with a two-yr-old with advanced language skills in the worst mood of their life - every day. Her memory is literally down to a 30-second reset. She used to love animals and has known our dogs for years - we have caught her kicking one of the pups because he looked at her! Very sad because he is the sweetest boy. My husband wants to give it a while longer before we admit defeat - I can give him that, but it is so hard every day. I take my hat off to the many many people doing this on their own, or for years on end (often both). Ultimately, I am so very disappointed in myself, that after not even half a year I’m even contemplating giving up - I thought I was made of sterner stuff. No matter where this ends up for us, I will never brush aside someone who tells me they are caring for their loved ones at home - I truly didn’t realise what that does to lives until now.
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Oh my gosh! This is so sad. Of course you are snapping at each other. You are sleep deprived! Can she use pull ups or some kind of diapers at night?

I ask because my mom, age 93 has this issue as well. She uses the pads during the day. She likes Poise #6 during the day and pull ups at night for sleep. She sleeps better, therefore we sleep better.

It’s great that you love your MIL. I loved mine too. She died years ago from lymphoma. But sometimes love is not enough. I am not sure I would be up for doing the job you are doing caring for your MIL. I am not telling you what to do. That’s your choice. You are wise to reach out for help.

Do you see yourself doing this for awhile in the future? People live so much longer these days. How does your husband feel? Have you looked at facilities in case you are unable to continue home care? I care for my mom at home with Parkinson’s disease but she doesn’t have ALZ. I think ALZ is harder. I am stressed with what I have to deal with and I am very tired, 14 years and counting!

What does her doctor say about home care vs a facility? Do you think she needs her meds changed? There are so many others on this site with experience with ALZ. They will point you in the right direction. Best of luck to you and your family and I sincerely hope you are able to receive help soon. Have you called your local council on aging for advice? Maybe start there.

Hugs!
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SJLSJL May 2019
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, I think meds could be adjusted - and have an appointment next week. We are also getting her reassessed by a neurologist- she hasn’t had much care prior to coming to us - her husband of 71years (now aged 95) was trying, but god bless him, no one realised what he was dealing with. Not surprisingly, he has really rallied since mom moved in with us. He misses her, and is lonely without his wife, but his health has improved tremendously- so that’s one good thing to come of the move. We moved mom from Iowa to Virginia so we are slowly building infrastructure (healthcare wise). I hope to tap into our counties elder care offerings, which might help too.
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