How do you step back and wait for the catastrophe?

In my & my sister's case, the "catastrophe" came & went & nothing's been resolved. Three & a half months ago my mother fell out of bed. She waited about two hours, lying on the floor, for a phone with which to call me & my husband because our father has dementia & wasn't able to find the phone. She refused to allow us to call 911, but relented once we weren't able to pick her up. Her arm was broken, and after spending the entire day with her at the hospital, she was being discharged & had a small stroke. She was admitted, sent to rehab after a few days, then released on the condition she have 24/7 in-home help. She treated the aides worse than any human being should be treated, hurling insults & calling them the worst names. The VNA were in place for therapy & social work, but once her arm was healed they were discharged & she fired the aide who was still brave enough to be there. She met with the director of the home health agency & treated him the same way she did the aides. Things have deteriorated to the point where we refuse to speak to her or go to their house--she repeatedly told us to get out, to never come back, that she never wants to see us again. She called us "evil" & "worthless" & bad-mouthed us behind our backs to my husband & my nieces. She told one of my nieces that we should be able to put up with her abuse after she gave us "the moon & stars". We finally realized it's what she must truly want; why else would she keep saying it over & over? And why would we subject ourselves to her unending negativity, verbal abuse, and insults when she's made it more than clear she doesn't want us there? We tried--oh, we tried & tried--to no avail. For several years we did their laundry, grocery shopping, whatever they needed that we could do, we did. It's clear to us that they should most definitely not be alone in the house, but, because of the abuse, we WILL NOT give up our lives to live with them, and even if we were foolish enough to do so, there are certain aspects of caregiving we are completely unwilling and unable to do. Our mother has mentioned assisted living, but not seriously. She's an extremely narrow-minded person with very strong ideas about people & who she wants to be around, and is convinced those are not the kind of people she'd be "subjected" to in an ALF. We know the time will come again when we hear either from her or someone at the hospital emergency room that another accident has happened. I live & work near their house, and every time I hear a siren I'm convinced it's headed there. It's a disgusting situation, but we feel our mother has completely brought it on herself. We're more than willing to help where we can, but not under the circumstances she's created. What makes it even more complicated is that they also own the house next door to them, and rent the first floor. We've told them we'd help with any selling/moving involved if they ever make the (right) decision, but at this point I don't even know about that. It's tragic that so many of us are forced into these horrid situations, and when there's a toxic parent involved it makes it that much more heartbreaking. Sorry I'm not offering any advice or suggestions. I guess I'm looking for some myself. Best to all of us.

It was very good of you to do as much as you have done for your parents, considering how they act. I have put up with much less than you, and have finally distanced myself and limited my time with mom to once a week and several phone calls. I leave the rest of it to her social worker, from whom she gets some paid help and people who drive her. You've tried that, so relax; it will come to a head, and then you can help - or not.

I'm curious how people who can't afford help or assisted living pay for it? My Dad could really use some help (I have a post in new to caregiving about my situation) but we are told Medicare won't pay for it. Pretty sure Dad and Mom would never ok giving up their home to pay for anything even if they could find a buyer. They are living with me now but my brother runs cattle at their place. They all lived together. But he is barely scratching out a living too. They would never do anything to end up taking the home my brother still uses.

Refusing help is the number ONE reason elders DO have major catastrophes! If only they would say "you know what, I really could use some assistance now." But no, they would rather majorly inconvenience their family members! Oh no, I have not fallen? Ahh...say what? My mother's childlike response="I don't have to tell you everything."

SooDoo, you have gone above and beyond in trying to help your parents. But if mom wants to act badly, you are limited in what you can do. I would worry about my father in this situation. Does she care for him adequately? Have you reported a vulnerable adult (Dad) to APS?