How do you help with hoarding?

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How do you help with hoarding?

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I just found out my parents' house is filled with trash and mice.
They have a 13 year old dog that does not go outside anymore.
They are sarcastic and mean.
I offered to clean up their house but they refused. They threatened me if I called social services.
Please give me advice. I cannot sleep.
Oh,there have been 7 snakes in a year and a half in the bedrooms and utility room. Help please! I am at my wits end.

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Hoarding is a mental disorder and you can't "help" them by trying to clean up their mess because 1) they like their mess and 2) they'll just fill up their house again.

Your best option is to see a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder and consult with them for how to protect yourself with boundaries, how to not be an enabler to their disorder, and how to interact with them in more peaceful and productive ways.

Your profile says they are only in their mid-50's... I don't think this qualifies them for a call from APS (which will definitely enrage them anyway). Talk to an experienced therapist for your best strategy.

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I see in her profile that mom is 75. Perhaps she changed it?

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Is your mom really 54 years old, as it says in your profile? Because if your folks are older, dementia may be part of the problem. Hoarding is an anxiety/OCD disorder, but a call to APS may BE in order if the house is filled with trash, mice & dog feces. What 'threats' can your folks carry out if you try to get them help from social services? I'd rather face angry parents than dead ones, myself, and I'm sure you feel the same way.

You can't clean their house FOR them b/c true hoarders feel that their 'stuff', including garbage, is all valuable and means something to them. It doesn't make sense to US, but it means a lot to THEM.

Your folks would need to agree to have a licensed therapist come into their home to help them with a clean up, which is unlikely. Same thing with hiring an organizer or someone to help them get their 'stuff' in some kind of order. So I think if you speak to a therapist experienced with hoarding, like Geaton suggested, you may get some better pointers than we can give you here.

I'm sorry you're facing such a devastating situation; it's horrible to witness our parents in such decline and be powerless to help them, I know. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have to deal with

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So now that you've corrected your mom's age to 75 and dad 81, I'm going with dementia as my concern for mom. Hoarding often goes along with a dementia diagnosis as OCD & anxiety go hand in hand with it! Not much help really, but if possible, can you get mom to her doctor for a cognitive assessment/exam (MoCA exam is the normal one that's used)? They're pretty simple and take only 15 minutes or so; oral questions that test memory & then she'd be asked to draw a clock showing 3 pm or whatever. That tests her executive brain function which is like the conductor of the orchestra; if the EB function is compromised, the rest of the brain doesn't know WHAT to do and dementia is present. At least you'll know what you're dealing with so you can formulate a plan moving forward.

GOOD LUCK !

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Is this hoarding a new thing? Do you think they're both doing it?

This sounds so unhealthy. Dog doesn't go out? Not good. Mice - OK, I have some mice in my old house. But snakes too? Goodness.

They need mental health assistance. They probably won't cooperate though. Their house should probably be condemned.

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I think APS is an appropriate resource here regardless of the ages of the adults. You also can try contacting your local animal rescue agency and code enforcement agency for their location. The relatives won't like it but then again, do they like anything you do?

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Yes please at the least call the animal shelter. The poor dog does not deserve the neglect. Depending on how much you want to care if they don't and are not at all receptive to you let them continue. That sounds harsh but the relationship between you does not sound positive and maybe for your sanity you let it go at least for the time being.

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Snakes are just doing their part with the mice at this local cafeteria.

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Understand there is mental illness affecting your parents. No one lives like that if they have a healthy mind. Medication would likely be the most helpful avenue. Are your parents open to that?

I took a one-day seminar to understand hoarding behavior better because it affects my family, too. I had some better understanding afterwards but still found there wasn't much I could do except throw bags and bags of things away without my LO seeing it.

Is there a visible hoard on the outside of the house? Code enforcement might intervene at some point. You might drop them an anonymous hint, if you're that concerned and feel you have to do something soon. If there is no access for first responders in case of emergency, I'd call APS anyway, even if that means your parents don't talk to you for awhile. That's what I personally would have to do for my own peace of mind.

If you can afford hoarding intervention professionals -- therapists who specialize in OCD disorders and clean out crews and organizers -- they would be a helpful and neutral third party.

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"They threatened me if I called social services".

Threatened to do what? Violence? Cutting contact? Cutting you out of the will?

I image all you can do is report to APS as vulnerable adults, no longer able to self care.

If they are deemed capable, there is not much you can do. They are allowed to make their own decisions (good, bad, awful).

Everyone IS deemed capable until proven otherwise.

Often it takes a crises to effect real change.

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You need to report it regardless this is a health hazard living like this

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I took a one-day seminar to understand hoarding behavior better because it affects my family, too. I had some better understanding afterwards but still found there wasn't much I could do except throw bags and bags of things away without my LO seeing it.

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What the heckers happened here? Are you quoting me without giving me credit? Just joking around, but seriously... these words are from my post just a couple spots down, word for word. Why?

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Why are you afraid of their threats?
Do what you feel you need to do. Once reported and investigated, it will be proven that hoarding is a disease. Then you can go in and clean up. Don't let parents strong arm you. Good luck!

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My parents were severe hoarders. I tried to get help for years but because the state they lived in didn’t have a hoarding task force nothing could really be done. At one point I was able to get a social worker involved who said all she could enforce was a three foot wide path from the living area to the bathroom.

they had a huge mice infestation, they hoarded food, when I finally got them near me and cleaned out the house it was disgusting.

hoarding is a mental disorder, it is usually a combination of them to be honest.

unless they get help it is a lost cause. Even if they get help it is very hard for them to change. Don’t lose sleep over this. Try to get people involved, see if your state has a task force. Call animal control, the dog needs to be taken from the home.

I got the pleasure of cleaning out my parents home and it was an absolute nightmare. I feel for you but please remember, it is their choice. I applaud you for caring and trying

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I was pretty sure I had Hanta virus from all the mouse "dust" in my parents' basement. The mice had stashed birdseed from the garage/feeder in the dropped ceiling. From the mouse traps (one with a petrified mouse sketelon), it was clear my Dad knew there was a problem. Turns out Hanta is fatal so it was probably just COVID. Gotta laugh so you don't cry.

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They may hate you then but I would contact the department of human services and report them you can do it in writing or calling. All you are trying to do for them is keeping them alive. It may sink in one of these days but if not at least you can say I tried to help you.

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Glory, welcome! And ((((hugs)))).

Hoarding is a mental illness. There is not much to do BESIDES social services. If you " clean it up", they will re-hoard.

Call animal welfare for the dog.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and listen to their advice.

What exactly did your parents threaten you with, if you called social services?

You might also call your local police department for a wellness check.

Frankly, if your parents are mentally competent, albeit mentally ill, they can live however they like.

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Well I should fire the snakes for a start. If the house is filled with mice they've really been asleep on the job.

But joking aside, what did your parents threaten you with when you suggested calling social services? Something worse than watching your parents in a slow motion train crash?

On the other hand, there are limits to what professionally-bound outsiders can achieve if they can't win your parents' permission and co-operation. To begin at the beginning, how did all this come to light and where do you think the problem started?

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Too funny about firing the snakes!

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Hoarding is a mental issue..not a housekeeping problem…a cleanup will not work..Call adult social services if it is truly unsafe. Let them decide if it is unsafe. It should be about what is in their best interest..yup they will be po’d. Not everything we need to do for aging parents feels comfortable to us..it is about doing the right thing..Good Luck {ps My daughter hoards}.

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What did your parents threaten you with? Call for help. Neighbors may also complain about the house.

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Their health and safety is more important than any threat they make toward you. I think you can make an anonymous report to APS. Someone correct me if I am wrong.

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My aunt has hoarding issues and she was reported to some government agency by a neighbor. The fire department ended up citing her house as a fire hazard. She was given a month? to clean the house to a certain level or the town would do it for some charge. My relatives ended up cleaning the house for her.

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Mice are nasty and carry diseases. Try to get pest control to come over when she won't be there. They can lay down traps under the sinks and out of her view.

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A lot of missing info here. I don't understand how you just "found out"-as this situation surely has occurred over many years. What is the reason for your parents antagonistic behavior? Do they have disabilities? Are there other family members who live nearby and can help? What supports do they have at this time?

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From my dealings with APS agents, they’ve always told me, “they can go in and make a report about living conditions such as hoarding but they can’t enforce or make a person cleanup or do better.” Now whether that is true or false, I do not know but I do know the statement remained consistent.

And sorry to say, you clean up, they re-hoard. You clean up, they re-hoard. A losing battle I’m afraid. I also found that a hoarder (my sister in my case) can be very emotional and very confrontational about things right down to outdated food.

So you asked, “How do you help with hoarding?” It may come down to options like trying to get them to agree to outside help (mental help and a cleanup crew other than yourself) or you leave them to their mess and don't visit. Resolve to just phone calls.

That last option didn't work for me. But it's also the big reason my sister and I are estranged. I disliked coming into a dirty, smelly home (parents had no control of their own home) and my sister was content. So after many fights trying to get it done myself (throwing away clutter/expired stuff and heavy-duty cleaning), I finally called APS. Stupid siblings figured sister could do with the home what she wanted and hence the reason I have no dealings with the rest except when necessary.

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If you can afford it, have an exterminator come out. Most people appreciate something like that and it seems "normal". Tell your parents it's a gift to them since you know they are on a fixed income.
Questions for you: Do either have dementia? If not, unfortunately they can live as they plese. But at some point, they will get older and may or maynot become disabled. At that point, you can call someone in or talk to their doctor if that's possible.
If the hoarding is really that bad, the exterminator could call social services. I wish I could help!
On another note, until we got POA for our Dad, his ex-wife (a hoarder) always left his house in a dire mess. Up until that point, you can do what we did...keep a bag or two on you and scoot things into them and take out with you. Invest in a big pocketbook (lol).

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ROFL! I had to laugh when I read your post. I remember the days of sneaking after trying to be out in the open. The last time I tried to do it out in the open I ended up getting charged and knocked on the bed. This was dad's room I was helping him clean.

Then I tried the sneaking route. And for every old juice jug or expired can of food that was thrown or snuck away from there, more would show or I would get the but I was going to feed the old cans to the dogs. I'm sorry but not even animals want expired food unless left with no choice.

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They threaten you when social services is mentioned? I wouldn't worry about their threats. Call them anyway. You can even make the call anonymously.
Your parents are clearly incompetent if they're living in such hazardous filth and squalor. They need to be removed from the home for their own safety.
Call social services. Your parents will get angry and upset. They will blame you if they're taken out of their home.
You will blame yourself if something bad happens because you didn't call social services to help them and that will be worse than their anger.

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From the description, your parents do not sound mentally competent. If you have no relatives who can influence them, absolutely, immediately call Social Services and DHEC. Get it on record that you are concerned about their living conditions, your offer to clean, and their lack of cooperation. Take a good look at your parents. Are they overall clean, hair, fingernails, wearing clean, appropriate clothing? Do they appear to be proper weight? The defenseless dog should be removed from the home for evaluation by a vet. The living conditions are inhumane and illness or poor feeding could be causing the incontinence. I'm not sure how elderly parents can "threaten" you. They have left you with few options but to file a report, if only to protect yourself from accusation of neglect of vulnerable adults.

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Call APS but, don't be to surprised if they tell you that they can live anyway they want and there is nothing they can do.

If there is food, the utilities are on and they can hold a fairly coherent conversation, APS can't legally intervene.

It is a really frustrating system and you have to keep calling as things get progressively worse. At some point they will be deemed unsafe and that's when help will step in.

Great big warm hug!

I remember when I found out my mom had rats, she wasn't the least bit concerned and she wasn't changing one thing. Ookkkaaayyy! It's hard to step back and watch the train wreck but, they are autonomous adults and that means they can live and do whatever they want. UGH!

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APS can legally intervene in a hoarding situation is it is n unsafe unsanitary living condition

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I dealt with this issue many years ago with my widowed mother who lived in another state. A friend there informed me that my mom had a bunch of cats in the house and wouldn't let anyone in. The house looked tidy from the outside, and no one would guess of the hoarding disaster going on inside. I contacted my mom about my concern for her, and she became quite hostile about me butting in on her life. I then contacted every social service agency I could find and was repeatedly told that unless she posed a threat to herself or others, there was nothing they could do. A few years later, I received a call from the fire marshall. He told me my mom had taken a cab to a pharmacy where she collapsed and was taken to the hospital with extremely high blood pressure. She was filthy and smelled so bad that none of the cab drivers wanted to transport her. The fire department went into the house and found the mess. Cat feces and dead cat bodies, garbage and cobwebs everywhere, a burned out mattress. My mom smoked so they assumed she'd fallen asleep with a cigarette. The friend (my ex mother-in-law) stepped in, took pictures of the house and gathered information. The fire marshall said it was the worst mess he'd ever seen. The photos were devastating to look at. My mother-in-law became her conservator and moved my mom into her own home. She had my mom's house gutted and sold to provide funds for my mom's care. For the first time in many years my mom had medical care and a clean environment. Still, my mom did not want me interfering with her life. By this time, she was in her seventies. She was not a hoarder when she was younger, but as she aged her untreated high blood pressure caused her to have strokes and some dementia. I was so grateful and relieved that my mother-in-law cared for her, but I also felt guilt, shame, and anger about the situation my mom was found in. I carried that for many years, and with a lot of therapy came to realize that I had done all I could do. My attempts (and over the years I made many) to get help for her were met with stubborn refusal to allow anyone to take away her independence. It was a situation I could not control, and thankfully my mom did not die in that mess. She spent her last years in the care of friends but maintained that she was capable of living on her own up to the end. You have a sad situation, but you cannot give help if it's refused. You are doing the best you can, but you cannot control your parents. You probably will have to wait until an outside agency can legally step in and assist them. It will be out of your hands, and hopefully they won't view you as the meddling child trying to take away their independence. My deepest empathy with what you're going through.

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Call Adult Protective Services - they are endangering their health and the health of neighbors. Then call the Environmental Health Department.

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Hoarding can present a danger to self and to the community if it gets to the point where the house is unsanitary and a fire hazard. If your parents can still think logically, perhaps try talking to them about making it possible for first responders to be able to get through the house safely if your parents need to call an ambulence and get help at any time. This means at least having paths through the rooms. Don't feel that it is your responsibility, and don't feel shame for their decisions. They are making their own choices. How do you know about the snakes? Are they calling on you to help from time to time? Try not to call government agencies on them. Have they set up their paperwork so that they have assigned powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions? Do they have a living will with their medical directives if they become incapacitated? Do they have a will? All of these things are needed if they do become incapacitated. If they don't have them, the state may take guardianship of them. You can tell them this to encourage them to get their legal papers in order. If there are assets, they may need an attorney to help with these legal papers. They need to do this while they are still mentally capable of making legal decisions (in sound mind). Everyone who owns a house and assets should have this done, not just them.

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Having dealt with hoarders of 'minimal size' (just messy and filled with papers and junk--but with a clear pathway and a sorta clean bathroom & kitchen--to full fledged "crawling over the junk to get in the house" hoarding...I can say that not ONCE did all my 'help' truly 'help.'

You can clean and throw out garbage till the cows come home, but the mental block that makes a person hang on to everything that comes into the house is something I do not understand but know is almost impossible to 'cure'.

You have a 'dirty hoard' on your hands. Once there are skeletons of dead pets and snakes coming in, you're past calling APS and 'reporting'. I turned in a friend and when APS came out, she refused to let them in, so all they could 'report on' was the condition of the outside of the house. It was bad, but nothing changed.

A friend of mine found her father in a 'dirty hoard' and went to court and got guardianship over him. She had his apt cleaned and she moved him to a 55+ apartment with clean new furniture (just the basics) and has a cleaner that comes weekly. She also holds the reigns over his money, and shops for him so he cannot get alcohol. He still gets it, but not to the point he used to.

She found that she could not treat him like an adult, but like a kid who couldn't care for himself. Luckily, she is quite wealthy and can pay for all these extra things. Most people don't have that option.

He is basically forced into counseling, IDK if it helps, but it's something.

Most hoarders will go right back to hoarding, as soon as the door closes behind you. You have to pick your battles.

A 'friend' I helped for 4+ months told me, after I had worked my behind off for her..that I had 'ruined her life'. I asked why that was--as we had barely thrown anything away--just rented PODS and packed them full of crap. When I stopped PAYING for those PODS, she couldn't afford them and she put everything BACK in the house. I was out $3000 and I had ruined HER life? That's the hoarder mentality.

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I too had a friend who hoarded; I was the only person she'd let into her house because our dogs were pals from the dog park! Her own husband had nowhere to sit in the house that wasn't piled with 'stuff.' On and on. She paid me several times to sort and organize her house so that it was livable, me being a good space-maker and organizer; after the 3rd huge effort to help her have a livable house for both of them and the wonderful dog, I gave up because within a week the home was a shambles again. This friend even began to resent me being able to be naturally tidy and having a cozy living space; I would joke with her that I was that way not out of any special 'virtue' but that my nervous system/aesthetic sense likes a fairly orderly environment AND I'm sort of Lazy: I Hate to have to hunt for my stuff! This friend could never find anything; she had to repeatedly reorder her credit cards because she'd lose them in her piles of paper and junk, etc. She had clothes she'd never worn, never taken tags off of, because they were buried under 'stuff.' And she had a mortal terror of rodents, so if ever mice or rats invaded she'd nearly have a nervous breakdown; she went so far as to get electric traps until she accidentally electrocuted a favored animal; it was a no-win situation. This is a mental health issue; until the underlying issues are addressed hoarding is how these folks relate to their environment and deal with their inner conflicts. It's also a 'control' issue; some of these folks feel so terribly out of control that at least all their 'stuff' is somehow their 'domain' and must be maintained at all costs, a sort of OCD I suppose. And in my friend's case her 'mess' was some sort of insulation against the world; she'd often decline invitations with the excuse of saying "I can't; I need to stay home and deal with my mess." Your parents may be terrified of anyone, anyone, taking any sort of control over their lives; you may have no recourse but to report them to the appropriate authorities, release them with love, and know it is a loving gesture even if they resent or even profess to hate you for it. If they are found to be essentially OK, let them live as they please and limit your interactions at their place. I feel for you; my friend has many wonderful qualities but a part of her spirit is 'broken' and I cannot fix it for her.

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