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Maybe a neighbor has a room you can stay in, and do what the other person suggested...leave for the night if you can't shut your door.
Does she have any funds from maybe when she had a home of her own? If she can't afford an assisted living place, you might check out Adult Family Homes. Often they are better about percentages of people they allow to transition to Medicaid....and (at least in my area) there are a whole bunch of them, so finding one near by was easy.
Totally understand why you don't shut your door...likely it will be much more stressful for you to do so as she'll be banging on the door and yelling.
If having her live in an AFH near you isn't possible, I agree with others...the next time she goes to the hospital tell them you can't take her back. You are going to end up with ulcers, or worse, if you don't already have them. I know you want to do right by her, but you can't allow her present to dictate your future. She might be around a couple more decades. Then what?
@user70, you cannot continue on like this. You wrote in one of your replies:
"...She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc."
I recommend you try the following: DON'T REACT. She acts like this partially because she successfully gets your attention every single time by shutting off lights, not eating, not watching TV.
- She turns off all the lights when you aren't in the room: So what? - She won't eat without you: So what? - She won't watch TV without you: So what?
Any time she does one of those attention-getting actions, IGNORE HER. Every single time you walk back into a darkened room, you can calmly and pleasantly say to her in an approving voice: "oh, are you meditating? That's nice. I will leave you quietly to meditate. Let me know when you're ready to eat" then go back to your own room, or get a snack, or whatever.
Maybe her shenanigans will peter out if you don't react as a knee-jerk reaction to all of her histrionics. That is, if her dementia isn't too deep.
I have a second recommendation. You also wrote "I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state". Get a couple of RING or other brand cameras* (you can purchase plug-in electric socket, or battery operated inexpensive cameras) in order to record the histrionics.
You can then send the video with just the touch of a button by email or text to her physician to show her repeated histronics and melt-downs and ugly manipulations. This will open his eyes to what is really going on, at which time he can order tests and get her the help she (and you) needs.
Perhaps set one camera aimed towards your bedroom door to document her melt-downs when you innocently close your door, and set another camera in the living room where she gets you to react by turning off lights and TV.
When you set them up, just calmly state to her that you will feel safer with a couple cameras in the house. That is the truth, isn't it? Then, if you are a two-party state where you must advise someone that they're being taped or recorded, you are legally covered.
------------- * I am one of the least technologically adept persons I know, but I set mine (RING) up and they were so very easy, and they were cheap, and you can turn them off when you don't want to record or you can just leave them on to record any motion, and if something happens that you want to document, you just press a little button within two weeks of the recording and you can save the video forever...I was so nervous doubting my ability to set up cameras but I finally felt forced to because my neighborhood has had an ongoing spate of indoor break-in burglaries, plus mailbox thefts, plus small packs of hungry coyotes roaming around and I had twice been shocked and actually trapped in the pitch black night and at sunrise by coyotes who no longer fear humans. The cameras have been invaluable to me, and I suspect will prove invaluable to you.
I had an idea pop into my head. Since Mom seems to have no sense of privacy. If she is suffering from Dementia, put a black area rug in front of your door. People with Dementia have problems with depth perception and think its a hole.
If the parent is cognitively appropriate, that is able to have, understand and, remember what has been said, then by all means simply have a cordial talk and, set the boundaries; namely to respect each other's personal space, please do not enter my bedroom without knocking and, unless it is urgent, please wait until I am available otherwise. You can also consider setting a brief "check in " time each day where the two of you speak briefly about the day, schedule, questions etc and, then go about the day. As someone has mentioned, locking the BR door is acceptable and tell the parent that if the BR door is closed, please do not knock or disturb you unless it is an urgent, emergency. If they seem annoyed or hurt by the boundary setting don't be upset; simply smile and redirect the conversation.
Of course if the parent has dementia issues they will not be able to remember the conversation ( short term memory loss); so be sure that they have been declared mentally competent to understand and remember.
I grew up in a home with no locks on any of the doors, including the bathrooms.
I know this weird dynamic is what made it sooooo easy for OB to 'get me' as he sexually abused me for years. I begged for a locking door and eventually put a hook and eye lock on the inside of my door myself.
My dad was in to kind of weird 60's 'decor' and the no-locking doors was one of them. Mom finally got sick of us busting in to her room while she slept she made dad put a key lock on her door. I know this was a 'thing' between them.
If you have no where to go to feel safe and/or private--that's a frightening way to grow up. You never know if you have nightmares or if the scary stuff is real.
Have times when it is ajar and they are free to come in. When closed, lock the door if you can. Lol If they ask why, let them know you were dressing and didn't want them to walk in by accident. If no lock, then next time they start to walk in, call out hold on there, I'm dressing! Or, It startles me when you don't knock and just walk in. I am either concentrating on something or dressing. You can add a sign, please knock, for when the door is closed. And let them know. If it's open come right in. Hope that helps.
Lock the door. Realize there may be some dementia. Have your parent medically evaluated. S/he likely doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand why knocking first is appropriate. Gena / Touch Matters
I can relate to you, because my mother has the same behaviors towards me and my siblings! If I locked my door she would bang on it and threaten to call the police. She even called the police a few times, because I wouldn’t open the door. I found and rented a small room at another person’s home and didn’t tell her about it. Then I said, if I can’t lock the door at night I will leave. And I did! I left and turned my phone on silent mode. If she called the police I wasn’t there. The police connected her to psychologists and psychiatrists of a Community Services Board. They are very helpful.
Barging into your room is not OK. Looks like mental problems preventing your privacy. You mentioned that your mother is 78. She needs to see a doctor for a complete evaluation. If independent, it's time for her own residence.
I have some questions. Are you afraid to make other living arrangements to be in separate living residences? Is this residence you both share a rental or ownership? Can you move out or place your Mom in a facility? Do you both depend on each others' income to make ends meet?
Yes I’m surprised more people aren’t aware of this so I’m glad you brought it up. A refusal to acknowledge and respect healthy requests and boundaries is a hallmark trait of a narcissist parent. This refusal to respect others boundaries is due to their false belief they’re entitled to whatever they want and don’t generally consider others needs or feelings
Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.
You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.
And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.
I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.
I'm adding to this comment because I just read through the thread. You are living in a nightmare by your own consent. Have your mother placed by whatever means necessary and begin to live your life. You list nothing but excuses and it's looking like you are the crazy one for continuing to live this madness.
Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.
You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.
And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.
I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.
Some of us were raised in homes where boundaries were exclusively for adults. Closed doors were personal attacks and rejections. It's not as simple as installing a lock or putting up a sign. Because locks and signs only apply to others - never to them. Sure, this sounds crazy, if you weren't raised that way. But take a moment to think about the things you do and beliefs you hold because you were raised that way. Do you vote the same as your parents simply because they did, without analyzing the platforms of each party? Are you the same religion as your parents, or did you attend other places of worship, study their doctrines and dogmas, compare and choose what was right for you? It's tough to have your beliefs challenged. And when you do realize what's ridiculous, it can be difficult to stand up for yourself without endless self-questioning, etc.
If your mother has dementia (mine does) it'll only magnify her behaviour.
Document the situation, with a behaviour diary, photos and videos. My mother's doctor was sure she was fine as well. We had a crisis, police and EMS came, I explained all that had been going on, an assessment ensued and she is now placed in a good, small home and we are getting our lives back. I won't lie to you that my stress ended that day. I was afraid and jumpy for months. I'd wake in the night, sure I heard her calling my name, pounding on doors. But I'm much better now.
I have mentioned before that my mother has forgotten who I am. I visit her as a friendly stranger. I suspect you can appreciate why I find that such a relief. Good luck to you!
User70, I’m truly sorry for the nightmare you’re living in, please realize the only one who has the ability to change this warped dynamic is you. The situation isn’t healthy for you or your mother. Her living with you, making constant unreasonable demands isn’t good for her. If ever there was a case for separate living arrangements you two are it. This isn’t your fault, your mother has issues beyond your ability to fix or help, and you’ve gotten trapped for too long trying to just cope. The power is with you to change it. Start with a lock and standing up for yourself, when the berserk behavior happens, record it, call 911 and have your mother transported to the hospital. From there tell the staff calmly but firmly that you cannot provide care for her any longer. She needs a full medical and psychological evaluation, and not by the clueless current doctor. This isn’t you kicking mom out or not caring, quite the opposite, it’s caring for the well being of you both. Don’t waste your own life and health living in fear and resentment. I hope you’ll act to change both of your lives going forward
user70, sounds like the parent/child dynamic is in the play. Not unusual when a grown child moves in with a parent, or a parent moves in with a grown child. You are once again the child, and your Mother is once again the parent.
When you were growing up, were you able to close your bedroom door at any time? None of us ever did, neither did my parents, unless it was bed time. I wonder when your Mom was grown up, that her own Mother did the same with her.
Did this issue just start? If so, have your Mother see her primary doctor for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of unusual problems.
You should send her primary physician a letter that will wake him up to the mental issues she has. They pay attention to such input from the family. If they don’t, they’re not taking good care of the patient. Your mother isn’t your responsibility. If you can’t get help, get out.
How old is Mom and why did you need to move her into your house?
You are entitled to your privacy whether its your house or hers. Your house you have more control. What I would do is tell Mom "If u don't give me my privacy when I want it, you can't live here." And stick to it. Me, I would put a lock on my door. So she screams and hollers you are an adult that is giving her a place to live for whatever reason. You are doing her a favor. As her child its not something you must do. If she is on Social Security or has money of her own, find her another place to live. Depression does not mean she can't care for herself. If she is low income, there is HUD apts that charge rent on scale. Usually 30% of her monthly income.
solution...lock your door. If you have had an "open door" house from the time you were a child it is difficult to get someone to change. My Husband would also open doors without knocking. Problem was the door that was usually closed and locked was the second bathroom when someone was using it and when he turned the handle he broke the lock so the second bathroom does not have a working lock. (one of these days I might get that taken care. I tell guests the door does not lock) And if you do not want anyone entering your room place a hook and eye lock up high, you can lock it when you are elsewhere. Some bedroom doors you can lock from outside the room and you just use a nail or other long thin object to pop the lock.
Thank you for this advice. I need to hear this. She is clueless of boundaries and moral respect for others. She's been this way all her life. Completely irrational..if i close my door she takes it as an insult..that I'm a bad person or I'm shutting her out and being rude to her. Her famous absurd line is "you're not laying with a man..why do you have to shut your door?" Its maddening the way this woman is. I've really grown to detest her. Pray for me.
My mother always felt it was 'wrong' of me to close my door when I was a child growing up in her house. "What have you got to HIDE that you need to close your door?" was her famous comment, much like your mother's rude comment to you about 'laying with a man.' As if we deserve no privacy or autonomy as human beings. I will pray for you that you grow the spine to 'close the door' on this entire situation with your mother, b/c it's way past time now to do that. I made a vow to myself as a child that I would NEVER live with my mother, since her personality type was SO toxic. Why did you choose to move her in with you in the first place??
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Does she have any funds from maybe when she had a home of her own? If she can't afford an assisted living place, you might check out Adult Family Homes. Often they are better about percentages of people they allow to transition to Medicaid....and (at least in my area) there are a whole bunch of them, so finding one near by was easy.
Totally understand why you don't shut your door...likely it will be much more stressful for you to do so as she'll be banging on the door and yelling.
If having her live in an AFH near you isn't possible, I agree with others...the next time she goes to the hospital tell them you can't take her back. You are going to end up with ulcers, or worse, if you don't already have them. I know you want to do right by her, but you can't allow her present to dictate your future. She might be around a couple more decades. Then what?
"...She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc."
I recommend you try the following: DON'T REACT. She acts like this partially because she successfully gets your attention every single time by shutting off lights, not eating, not watching TV.
- She turns off all the lights when you aren't in the room: So what?
- She won't eat without you: So what?
- She won't watch TV without you: So what?
Any time she does one of those attention-getting actions, IGNORE HER. Every single time you walk back into a darkened room, you can calmly and pleasantly say to her in an approving voice: "oh, are you meditating? That's nice. I will leave you quietly to meditate. Let me know when you're ready to eat" then go back to your own room, or get a snack, or whatever.
Maybe her shenanigans will peter out if you don't react as a knee-jerk reaction to all of her histrionics. That is, if her dementia isn't too deep.
I have a second recommendation. You also wrote "I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state". Get a couple of RING or other brand cameras* (you can purchase plug-in electric socket, or battery operated inexpensive cameras) in order to record the histrionics.
You can then send the video with just the touch of a button by email or text to her physician to show her repeated histronics and melt-downs and ugly manipulations. This will open his eyes to what is really going on, at which time he can order tests and get her the help she (and you) needs.
Perhaps set one camera aimed towards your bedroom door to document her melt-downs when you innocently close your door, and set another camera in the living room where she gets you to react by turning off lights and TV.
When you set them up, just calmly state to her that you will feel safer with a couple cameras in the house. That is the truth, isn't it? Then, if you are a two-party state where you must advise someone that they're being taped or recorded, you are legally covered.
-------------
* I am one of the least technologically adept persons I know, but I set mine (RING) up and they were so very easy, and they were cheap, and you can turn them off when you don't want to record or you can just leave them on to record any motion, and if something happens that you want to document, you just press a little button within two weeks of the recording and you can save the video forever...I was so nervous doubting my ability to set up cameras but I finally felt forced to because my neighborhood has had an ongoing spate of indoor break-in burglaries, plus mailbox thefts, plus small packs of hungry coyotes roaming around and I had twice been shocked and actually trapped in the pitch black night and at sunrise by coyotes who no longer fear humans. The cameras have been invaluable to me, and I suspect will prove invaluable to you.
Do it! You won't regret it. Good luck.
If your parent has dementia..................rules and boundaries are moot. If you want privacy, put a lock on the door.
So I would probably lock my bedroom door when I need it to avoid push-open situation if other means don't work well.
As someone has mentioned, locking the BR door is acceptable and tell the parent that if the BR door is closed, please do not knock or disturb you unless it is an urgent, emergency.
If they seem annoyed or hurt by the boundary setting don't be upset; simply smile and redirect the conversation.
Of course if the parent has dementia issues they will not be able to remember the conversation ( short term memory loss); so be sure that they have been declared mentally competent to understand and remember.
I know this weird dynamic is what made it sooooo easy for OB to 'get me' as he sexually abused me for years. I begged for a locking door and eventually put a hook and eye lock on the inside of my door myself.
My dad was in to kind of weird 60's 'decor' and the no-locking doors was one of them. Mom finally got sick of us busting in to her room while she slept she made dad put a key lock on her door. I know this was a 'thing' between them.
If you have no where to go to feel safe and/or private--that's a frightening way to grow up. You never know if you have nightmares or if the scary stuff is real.
Have times when it is ajar and they are free to come in. When closed, lock the door if you can. Lol If they ask why, let them know you were dressing and didn't want them to walk in by accident. If no lock, then next time they start to walk in, call out hold on there, I'm dressing! Or, It startles me when you don't knock and just walk in. I am either concentrating on something or dressing. You can add a sign, please knock, for when the door is closed. And let them know. If it's open come right in. Hope that helps.
Realize there may be some dementia. Have your parent medically evaluated.
S/he likely doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand why knocking first is appropriate. Gena / Touch Matters
I have some questions. Are you afraid to make other living arrangements to be in separate living residences? Is this residence you both share a rental or ownership? Can you move out or place your Mom in a facility? Do you both depend on each others' income to make ends meet?
Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.
You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.
And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.
I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.
I'm adding to this comment because I just read through the thread. You are living in a nightmare by your own consent. Have your mother placed by whatever means necessary and begin to live your life. You list nothing but excuses and it's looking like you are the crazy one for continuing to live this madness.
Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.
You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.
And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.
I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.
If your mother has dementia (mine does) it'll only magnify her behaviour.
Document the situation, with a behaviour diary, photos and videos. My mother's doctor was sure she was fine as well. We had a crisis, police and EMS came, I explained all that had been going on, an assessment ensued and she is now placed in a good, small home and we are getting our lives back. I won't lie to you that my stress ended that day. I was afraid and jumpy for months. I'd wake in the night, sure I heard her calling my name, pounding on doors. But I'm much better now.
I have mentioned before that my mother has forgotten who I am. I visit her as a friendly stranger. I suspect you can appreciate why I find that such a relief. Good luck to you!
When you were growing up, were you able to close your bedroom door at any time? None of us ever did, neither did my parents, unless it was bed time. I wonder when your Mom was grown up, that her own Mother did the same with her.
Did this issue just start? If so, have your Mother see her primary doctor for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of unusual problems.
The next time she goes berserk, (yes, lock your door) record her on your phone. Call 911. Have her admitted for psychiatric treatment.
Do not accept her back into the home.
You are entitled to your privacy whether its your house or hers. Your house you have more control. What I would do is tell Mom "If u don't give me my privacy when I want it, you can't live here." And stick to it. Me, I would put a lock on my door. So she screams and hollers you are an adult that is giving her a place to live for whatever reason. You are doing her a favor. As her child its not something you must do. If she is on Social Security or has money of her own, find her another place to live. Depression does not mean she can't care for herself. If she is low income, there is HUD apts that charge rent on scale. Usually 30% of her monthly income.
If you have had an "open door" house from the time you were a child it is difficult to get someone to change.
My Husband would also open doors without knocking. Problem was the door that was usually closed and locked was the second bathroom when someone was using it and when he turned the handle he broke the lock so the second bathroom does not have a working lock. (one of these days I might get that taken care. I tell guests the door does not lock)
And if you do not want anyone entering your room place a hook and eye lock up high, you can lock it when you are elsewhere. Some bedroom doors you can lock from outside the room and you just use a nail or other long thin object to pop the lock.
Signs didn’t help.
MY getting angry didn’t help.
Insisting didn’t help.
Talking to her didn’t help.
She had dementia. It took me quite awhile to figure out that that was the case.
It took me quite awhile to figure out all the challenges that come with this awful, awful condition.
Perhaps you could consider getting some testing done to see if this is the case with your mom, as well.
PS: I only lasted 6 weeks, before the stress of my mother living here had me bedridden. It’s not too late to consider other arrangements for your mom.
If this is your home, evict her.