How do you deal with a parent pretending to be more helpless than they actually are?

Given your descriptions, in the profile and responses, the question arises on if you have legal documents drawn up for him? Will, POAs, medical wishes, etc. If not, these need to be done ASAP. If you wait too long, it will require guardianship, which takes time and can be expensive. Elder Law isn't cheap either, but well worth it. Additionally, if you are handling his finances, aka SS, then you need to apply to be Rep Payee. This is per SS rules (no one is legally allowed to "manage" another person's SS.) This would also eliminate him potentially spending his income on something unnecessary and leaving you short.** (see my comment below)

Curious - what was his response after his last threat to move to a NH and you said okay then, go?

The legal issues also pertain to his share in the house/mortgage. If he were to go to a NH, I doubt his SS would be sufficient. Medicaid can be applied for, but acceptance would be based on his income, and often the limits are so low many can't qualify. He may also have to require NH care - not everyone qualifies for NHs! Often the home can remain as is if he were to move to NH and get on Medicaid, but eventually that could become an issue AND you would have to cover the whole mortgage payment. It might be best to try to extricate him from the deed and mortgage - the Elder Law consult could guide you on how to deal with that. If it requires his income to pay the mortgage, the attorney could set up some kind of rental agreement, so his funds could help while he still resides there, otherwise, consider selling it and moving to a smaller place you can afford on your own or a rental place until you can afford to buy something in the future. If sold, the attorney can help with dividing the net and help you set up a trust fund for him with his share. This can be used to cover the cost of a facility for a while, if he doesn't qualify initially for Medicaid.

Meanwhile, is it possible to limit or eliminate his computer access? That can be such a dangerous place for someone who's mental capacity is diminished. If he has any credit cards, can you make them "disappear"? If he *needs* a card, get a refillable debit card and keep the limit low. As for the phone (assumption is landline), can you forward all calls to a cell phone that only you have access to? Some providers offer ways to block incoming calls - certainly he/you should be able to make calls for emergencies, etc.

Cooking should only be one meal/day, likely the evening meal. He should be able to get his own breakfast and lunch. How much cleaning is needed? Does he make a mess of things? Soil his clothes? Or is it manageable if you can eliminate other duties?

Back off with as much as possible. It might be best to do it in stages, like be too busy to cook breakfast, have to work, then extend that to lunch. Set up space for work in an area that you can lock yourself into, so he has to fend for himself while you are working. You might want some cameras to watch him while you work, to ensure he isn't getting into mischief!


** IF he paying you for his share of the mortgage, no need to rush for the Rep Payee. However, given you mention Alz/dementia, it might be best to get that out of the way now, then no worries about him wasting income. It requires setting up a special Rep Payee account, which only has the SS payments/debits and only you can access. They do require yearly reporting, but this is done through your own SS account and isn't difficult. Most of his income would fall under housing and food. If this is the case, SS will question it by letter (I went through all that and can provide more regarding that if you need it. Really all I had to do was confirm, but I gave DETAILS, yet every year, same queries. Just an annoyance - the last one I suggested they make NOTES in her file so they don't need to waste precious SS money asking every time! Her SS covered a pittance of MC!)

SummerRaya: Your profile states that your father has Alzheimer's. Depending on how advanced his disease is, he IS going to require help. Prayers sent.

Yikes .. sound like me. So here is my comment-
I told my mother, “all my sisters believe she should be in a nursing home. Please don’t prove me wrong, do I need to put you in a nursing home?” And guess what her helpless crazy behavior suddenly stopped.

I don't know that home health will really improve things. It could entail more headaches and management on your part, including the possibility that your father won't be willing to work with them--more insistence that you do everything for your father. There's dealing with the agency, paying for it, not to mention what happens when the aide doesn't show up when a respite activity was planned. 

If you haven't already, start working with a therapist to get help breaking out of this destructive family dynamic. Find an elder law attorney to deal with the financial entanglement with your father that is fair to both of you in the eyes of the law. It won't necessarily be in his eyes. Chances are he won't be pleased with anything you do. Find a good assisted living facility where he'll have a nice apartment of his own but can have meals provided and be checked in on. For what it's worth my ex-husband's grandfather lived with his family when he was growing up and made his daughter do everything--even pureeing his food. She died when my ex-husband was 16. Grandpa went to live in his own apartment in a senior housing complex. Funny thing, he figured out how to cook for himself, and liked all the attention from the women who lived there. Your father could live another 20 years. Think about how you want to spend that time and take action. It's going to take a lot of fortitude to deal with his anger and arguments but it will be worth it. Role playing with the therapist to figure out and practice how to come out ahead in a dialog, then action, could be very helpful. Good luck!

Setting boundaries didn't help me much and here's why..... LO would request help with a mundane task - a task which I fully believed she could do independently (even though it might take her away from the TV for a while). I would refuse to perform the task and point out that either LO could/should do it herself, or perhaps the task can wait. Suddenly, the task became urgent. And, LO's perceived necessity of having ME do the task also became urgent. I would then be faced with the same task, but NOW having to convince LO that it's not urgent... and also that she's capable of doing it herself. This rapidly wore me out, but I held firm. Then, the next step would be that LO would tell me "I hope I don't fall" while completing said task. Now, LO has had multiple falls up to this time. I, of course, don't want to see another one and feel the regret/remorse at having not just completed the mundane task myself. Also, it's not outside the realm for LO to "experience" some other sort of ache/pain/scare while performing the mundane task (doesn't always have to be as dramatic as a fall) which also reinforced my belief that it's easier, less time-consuming, and safer to just do it myself. My limits were not respected and the bar kept getting raised higher and higher. I was being controlled with the fear of her falling and the "poor me" mentality in general. I was angry and stressed. I was being badmouthed behind my back that I wasn't helping her more because she could fall if she didn't get more help. Eventually, a fall is what landed her in the NH permanently. I wasn't even there when it happened & ironically it was a task that she legitimately should not have been attempting herself... but she decided to do so anyway. A sad end to a difficult situation, but my hands-on caregiving journey with that particular person was not sustainable. Some situations just don't work and it's OK to acknowledge that.

Going to a Nursing Home is a threat? Let him go!

With his medical conditions it's where he needs to be.

Move out and retake control of your life.

Summer,
Profile says " age related decline, alzheimers/dementia, ...." Is that your assessment or has your dad been diagnosed with cognitive disabilities by his dr? If by dr, how far along/what stage? I ask because from your post it seems like he's more with it than not. An official medical diagnosis would affect my response and advice.

So, assuming it's normal age decline by your personal assessment and that your dad is really more capable all around, here's my input from experience with my mom in a very similar situ that ended up with her living with us for the past two years:

Rule one. It's never too late to establish new boundaries. You'll have to rely on your edu knowledge of basic psychology. If you haven't studied any in high school or after, research behavior modification, Pavlov, Watson, Skinner, Freud, etc. Here's a link to get started. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/behavior/4-behavioral-theorists-that-made-their-mark-on-psychology/

First action: stop hopping. Make him wait. As long as LOs are safe, I believe in putting them off 5 minutes or more - "in a minute", "when I finish what I'm doing", "tomorrow", or just a gentle but plain "No" or no verbal response at all. My mom, God bless her, is spoiled and can act like a helpless child, but I've made her wait out her demands and covertly observed that if waiting long enough, she'll do it herself or move on from her self proclaimed "emergency." Fortitude from guilt, perseverance and consistency on your part is required. This is where I agree with other posters: You need therapy assistance for yourself to break this yoke of slavery. I, too, grew up as a trained little adult to cater to my Mom's emotional needs, way before any illness or physical handicap materialized. Your situ is more complicated than mine was, but I understand your feelings of guilt, doubt and responsibility. You can only change yourself, but by changing your responses to specific people, you will change the way they treat you. It's not easy and it can be draining, but you can do it because you actually are in control. You have the power.

Rule two: Out of sight, eventually out of mind!
Get out. You co- own the home, so I'm not advocating that you abandon your dad or the house. I am advising you to get off-site, eventually, on a DAILY basis. Whether it's to work for a few hours at Starbucks or a friend's house, go to the park, or just sit outside on the porch and have your own time. Very important that you manufacture this self time daily and then have certain nights every week that you are out with an "appointment." How far away and for how long will depend upon how much time your dad can be left alone safely. Get some help if you can. Sitters - one his dime.

Rule Three: Limit access to technology, esp. financial transactions and annoying news (that makes my mom anxious and contentious). Mom has TV, but it's not connected to normal TV. It's a Firestick. She can watch Netflix, YouTube, etc. at will. We've had to watch our bill (put alerts on it to your cell) because now and then she manages to order a show or accidentally subscribe to a channel. We immediately cancel subscriptions but eat the $3 charges here and there. Disable the internet connection on his computer if that's a problem while you're not there. "Misplace" the cell phone for a while if you must.

Rule four: Limit outside info. YOU get the mail first and screen it. Throw away all solicitations, catalogs, and anything that would rile up your dad or cause him to write a check he doesn't need to be writing. I'm livid how much junk mail preys on the elderly. Make sure to give him the good mail. I do give Mom her AARP mags, but remove the solicitation cards and sometimes tear out b.s. advertisements that just beg money from old people.

I hope this helps. I also hope you have Durable POA and POAHC for your dad. If not, get them executed asap.

SO much great advice here that I almost didn't post a response but if it can help you or anyone that reads this, then...

I, too, care for a narcissist - for 7 years now. I had to get 3 principles of caregiving straight in my mind to turn it around:

1. My Loved One (LO) made all of the decisions that brought them to this place in life. I did not make those decisions for them. I am not responsible for the outcome. INCLUDING: emotional health, level of physical fitness/nutrition, financial well being - all of it.

2. My life and entire well-being matters as much as my LO's.

3. The entire situation had to be mutually beneficial.

These 3 principles have guided every decision I have made along the way to balance the situation out. Actions I took included:

1. Research: . I researched all of the laws for our state regarding financial and legal matters.

2. Securing legal documentation. I went on LegalZoom ($295 total). Their website walks you through completing: Advanced Directive (although you can get this for free online or at any hospital), Will, and DPOA (durable = medical and financial). I hired a mobile notary and had friends come and witness as we signed.

3. Legal counsel: I consulted with an Elder Law Attorney ($400 total although I think some offer the consultation for free, check around). I wanted to make sure I hadn't left anything out. If there was more that I couldn't do, I was prepared to hire them to do that task. It turned out that I was right on track and did not need to hire them. The $295 I had spent with LegalZoom saved me from having to spend $5-10,000 with that attorney.

4. Finances: I applied for resources that were available that my LO had not, along with becoming the Fiduciary for VA Aid and Attendance and Rep Payee for SS.

5. I made sure that every entity that I would have to deal with in the future had a copy of the DPOA: bank, hospital, doctors, caregiving companies, etc.

6. I made sure my name was on everything that my LO had, including refinancing the house in my name, with both of our names on the title (avoids spend down issues and our LOs are allowed to have a house; also so I didn't lose my house when my LO passed).

Then, one day my LO had a severe fall. Hospital, rehab, then to an Assisted Living Facility (ALF) to recover - an 18 month fiasco. I took this opportunity to gain control over that narcissism.

I wrote my LO a letter (contract really) stating that we both deserved to live in a peaceful home and be treated with respect. I listed the specifics of my concerns and the conditions that needed to be met in order for my LO to return home, in order for me to continue as Caregiver. The alternative at that time was to stay in the ALF, or if I was disrespected at home, have a state guardian take over when I moved out. I had already contacted said state guardian and have it ready for them to take over. I made it clear that I was prepared to take action to protect myself and my peace - it was not negotiable.

That was 3 years ago and my LO has only miss-stepped 2 minor times since then. One quick and very firm reminder puts my LO back on track, and I do an annual review of our contract. I thank my LO for their obvious effort working with me to create a peaceful and respectful home. We are doing great.

This later stage that includes dementia is definitely not as cut and dry. Dementia is progressive over time but isn't present every moment so it is tricky to know when I need to step back or step in. I remind myself that it is best for my LO to do as much as possible for themselves or it deteriorates their sense of control, independence, and physical ability. I have learned to give myself grace. I am a hero. We, those that have laid their lives down for another human being to gracefully exit this life, are heroes.

Set boundaries along with well-thought out and prearranged consequences that escalate in frequency or severity if they are not respected. Guard them firmly.

Peace and hugs

I found out that sometimes you have to see what they are actually capable of doing and set boundaries if they start bothering you all the time without reason.

* You decide what you want and will do and then you set limits / boundaries.
* You let your dad decide what he wants to do, based on the limits / boundaries you set.
* You and your dad are relating based on how you - and he - have interacted over decades old. We all grow up with messaging (you're not okay... needing/wanting parental approval and support that never happens... it all has to do with how a person feels about their self and how they believe another is responsible for them / their feelings "You did this to me" "How can you MAKE ME feel this way (you aren't, they are) ... how you responds depends on how you feel about yourself, and initially how you were taught to feel about yourself.
- Your dad has been manipulating you to believe you need to do or be as he needs and wants. Only you can now say "NO" and learn to develop / love yourself through moment by moment decisions which support self-confidence and build on themselves.
- Your dad may be better off in a nursing home or senior retirement community with levels of care.
- As you say "As long as I'm here, he doesn't have to." That is right. He won't change unless or until you do.
* You need to re-evaluate how you equates your behavior as YOU being 'cruel' - the opposite is true in several ways. You could look at it as he 'being cruel' expecting you to do for him . . .

You navigate -
In my view, looking at how you consider yourself being cruel if . . . and reframing your thoughts about your behavior, BASED on you starting to feel / realize that you deserve more, deserve to have your own life / space / time / enjoyment.
You navigate by -
Developing self-compassion and self-love. A step at a time.
You navigate by -
Expecting to be appreciated for what you do and 'do' based on how you are being treated; and even if treated WELL, you need time off for you - a day a week? two days? two hours. You need to do this for your well-being, and sanity, or equanimity.
You navigate by -
Telling your dad that you would be HAPPY to go with him to look at nursing homes or senior community living. Ask him if he would like you to make some appointments to look at facilities.
When you do this - he will be shocked and perhaps quiet. He won't know what got into you to assert yourself like this.
The possible outcomes:
- He'll stop threatening to go to a nursing home (as this doesn't work anymore).
- He may be kinder to you, as he is respecting you more, as you are respecting you more;
- He may apologize to you (or get mad perhaps)
- He might decide to go to a senior community.

I wish you the best and let us know how you are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters

You are a caring responsible daughter who is being used, unfortunately. It is a hard one to get out of too, all your life you have been educated into this role by a manuipulative parent. Identifying this and knowing that none of it is of your own making, is a very good start.
Now you can make a list of options with pros and cons. Decide what you are going to do and put the things in place to make it possible. Give yourself a realistic timescale.
It really helps to form a plan and work towards a better place. It will benefit both of you. You might be surprised how your father behaves when someone else replaces some of your duties.He may kick against the change initially but adjust when he realises his needs are still being met!
Change is in your hands. It is not just about coping. You don't have to suffer as much as you think you do, as much as you have been expected to!
Therapy is a good idea too. If you can't move forward go for it now. Otherwise afterwards, when you are working purely on yourself and your father is happily being looked after by someone else.

Only you can answer your question because you have chosen to do what you do. You have simply followed your mother and taken over from her. Now it has become too much - things do as we get older or do them for longer - move out, get a job and start your own life, you don't have to live his forever even if it seems the norm in your household. He doesn't sound incapable but if he wants to be waited on then some form of assisted living or NH sounds like the best place for him. I am not sure how old you are as you talk about people in the 20's as though you fit in this age group which would usually put you father in his 50s or around that, if he thinks a nursing home would suit him then let him get on with it, not sure how he thinks its going to be paid for but that's his problem, if you are in your 20s 30s 40s 50s you can make your own life, develop a career and get back to normality because you don't sound to be living it at the moment.

Stop in your local senior center and pick up a selection of AL and SNC brochures. Next time your dad makes that threat hand them to him and walk away. Just walk away without saying anything.

If he does it again pick one and make a call for an appointment to have someone come to the house for a fitness assessment. They’ll them your dad wants to move and you are helping him make that move. I would start with AL unless your dad is physically needing SNC.

Let a know what happens!

When he says this about the NH, my answer to him would be “Don’t threaten me with my freedom!”