I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............
Thanksgiving week so many places are looking for volunteers. The need will be tremendous this year as inflation, the high cost of groceries and gas prices have all all increased. Your presence in he serving line may be the only kindness someone receives that day!
Ireland
It is difficult to realize you are all alone in the world. At 80 I am, as well. Those I love, other than my children, are now gone. I will say that each of them enriched my life and made me stronger. My partner is still here but 2 years older than me, and he and I recognize and speak about the fact that at any moment one of us is going to lose the other.
The only way I know to go on is to have things you love. For me it is reading, gardening, walking, and --ok I admit it--trash on TV. I am not particularly social, so not one to join a knitting club, a church group, etc. But those do exisit.
I think you might consider a grief support group or workshop and would suggest a few hours of counseling with a licensed social worker in private practice to think of a way to move forward with some interests to keep you busy. Perhaps a humanities class. A second language?
I would concentrate in so far as you are able on the love and lessons you had, on how they enriched you. And again, I am so sorry for your pain. Life is sure a mix of happiness and pain.
You might even take up posting on Aging Care. We have have lived a few years have learned a couple of things. We perhaps can help others?
My Mum died 2 weeks ago. We had a dysfunctional relationship. She had MS and I cared for her in my young teens right up until she went into a care home in 2018. She became nasty in her last years and before that made some awful parenting decisions and I have basically always been the adult around my mum.
My aunty died in Dec 21 quickly from cancer, it was sort of unexpected. I expected her to live to be honest! That was the biggest loss for me. She was like my mum & was like a Nan to my kids. She also was the organiser of the family, the matriarch as they say.
Then there’s my Nan, she is the most beautiful soul to walk this planet. I’m so lucky to have her. She has terminal cancer ever since my grandad died in 2014. However, has far outlived her diagnosis. Thank god.
So now with my aunty gone, I look after her needs and make sure she has what she needs and run her to appointments.
It just hit me today that at 27 I am the adult to this family. Everyone else assumed I’d take the role as the new matriarch of this family, but I can’t fill the shoes of my aunty.
It’s lonely to think at 27 I have just one person left above me, my Nan. I try to make the most of the time we have left with her before she’s gone. Because when she is, there will be no one checking in on me & my husband.
Im just sad right now about this whole situation
The rest of the family struggles to maintain relationships in general and has no capacity to maintain relationships not in their immediate vicinity. I lost the 2 grandparents, mom, step dad, and oldest sister 2014-2019. Living away from my hometown I relied heavily on friends. Then the pandemic happened. I had 1 distant friend who met with me occasionally. I wasn't anyone's closest friend. Many of my closest friends were forced to choose who they would stay close to. Some turned me away and it was absolutely crushing.
I'm 30. I can be thankful considering that most people I meet in any remotely similar circumstances are barely getting by if they're not completely dependent on a family member. But I so badly want to form a peer relationship. Or even something close to it.
I'm trying to rebuild some semblance of a life. I've been trying so hard to work every avenue, being outgoing, reaching out to family, old friendships, new friendships, work relationships. I even went back to college to help. Maybe it's the pandemic, but despite unreasonably high effort in the past 3 years I've made 2 friends and ~3-5 good acquaintances.
When the pandemic started I saw this all coming. I was terrified and it went exactly as I expected if I'd put in no effort at all. If it continues as expected I'll be in a better place in 2025. I don't want to wait that long. It's so hard being purely self motivated for years on end
If I ever figure it out I'll be sure to check back in
The reality is, that even having one true friend in one's life is rare. So if you really have two - true - friends (not just kind-of friends), then that's wonderful. You'll eventually find friends to laugh with, have fun with. But a true friend who's there through thick and thin, that's rare and must be treasured - similarly, one must oneself be a true friend.
Hugs to you and to all as well and Blessings.
I know what you mean about the sky looking different the morning after. My Dad passed at his home in January of this year, and Mom and I were his around the clock caregivers. I felt immediately as if there's a hole in the world where my dad used to be. And that doesn't really explain it either.
I haven't had time to grieve or process what I think, since I'm now my Mom's caregiver. I don't dare feel too much, because there's no time for me to fall apart.
The best you can do is try and find something new.
It's very difficult to describe my feelings as well. Like you say, you just end up functioning, and I find that's it. I have to force myself just to do day to day basic stuff, and to be honest the feelings are overwhelming ad soon as I start to dwell on me now having no family. My brother, mum, dad, all gone. I have no one. I guess reading about others in the same situation does help. But like you say, things change. For the worse.
Imagine your family cheering you on. They would want you: to be happy, find ways to get up again, have fun, find solutions to your problems, explore new, unexpected hobbies and passions. Use life to the fullest. :)
Poodle :)
My grandmother passed at my age of 12 and another uncle at my age of 21. Then my father passed unexpectedly with pneumonia at my age 22 and my mother very unexpectedly passed from cancer when I was 24. My whole life I have been surrounded by losses and every day I just think they are all looking over me and are proud of me. It's very tough though and I'm sorry that I don't really have much of an answer other than being able to relate extremely well. Sometimes it is good to know you are not alone in this type of situation. I never personally met anyone else in my situation it seems very rare.
if you are youngish, then yes.
but if you are over 55, maybe not.
I did try it and I got a look like — you are old enough to know that people die, what is your problem? I tried to explain that everyone died, but therapist was unmoved!
Of course, these new relationships aren’t the family members that you lost but it is better than being alone. You may end up forming very close friendships.
so, no thanks, I don’t want to be involved in these sorts of activities. I’d rather be with the dead people like me.
Now I am completely alone. Come a holiday, it’s just me. Need minor surgery, so a ride there and back - I have nobody. I walk in the world but I am disconnected, with not a single close blood relative. I feel like an invisible woman. And there is no cure.
"When the mortuary men took Dad away in the fog in the early morning hours of June 6, 2017, they left a gigantic empty space where he’d been. Dad’s body was gone, yes, but so was . . . everything else. I described it to a friend at the time as something like a vacuum. Even when the Old Man was dying, I felt secure knowing he was still with us. But after he died, it felt as if something tremendous had been sucked out of the world."
I felt exactly the same way when they took my mother away. You are not alone. Peace be with you.
You are a kind and remarkable woman.
Don’t ever doubt that your love wasn’t felt by your mom.
She knows that you were beside her and that you now hold her in your heart forever.
All of your dear loved ones are at peace now and want nothing more than for you to be at peace too.
It is natural to grieve for those who have left this earthly world.
It’s healing for us to reflect and remember our time with them. Cry when you are feeling sad and alone. That is healing too. We don’t get over things. We work through them.
Our love doesn’t end when a person dies. Love continues.
We continue living after a death of a loved one. Perhaps not quite the same as before but we do survive, just as our loved ones wish for us. They don’t want us to die along with them.
Some of us lose people starting in our youth. When it rains, it pours. The deep losses continue to happen.
I wish for peace during this difficult time in your life.
Do not hesitate to speak to a grief counselor or attend a grief support group, even if it has to be online for now.
You’re right about the hospice staff being angels.
The nurses, social worker, chaplain and office personnel at the ‘end of life’ hospice facility where my brother died were such a comfort to our entire family.
If you are a person of faith (I am not) there may be church or church groups. If you are a believer I might suggesting choosing a church. Volunteering helps people often enough and there are so many ways to do that now. My friend volunteers at a food distribution place to help those in need; she packs up the dog food in baggies, so nothing all that strenuous, but she has met like minded friends that way.
I am so sorry for all the grief in your life.