How do you cope with anger and resentment towards a sibling who doesn't help with caregiving?

I would refrain from judging and just gird your loins and get the job done. It's a waste of time ruminating over the unfairness of it all.

I really is none of your business why your sister does not want to visit your father. That is on her. But you will have to figure out how much interaction you want with your sister when this chapter of your life is over.

I would talk to your father about being financially compensated for liquidating everything and inform your sister that you are being compensated for the time and effort of handling this. Maybe she won't like that you are receiving this money and will be more participatory in the process.

Good luck to you.

I tell myself that the do-nothing siblings will be torn by guilt when my Mom dies. They probably won't be, but that is what I tell myself. And they will find that she has given me things they wanted because they are never here and she feels like they don't care. I am getting to spend quality time with Mom (yeah, still stressful and wearing...but I know she appreciates it) that they are missing because they are selfish and self-centered. And I don't tell them when Mom calls her lawyer and makes changes to her will. Let them find out the same way they find out stuff about her in general - through the grapevine.

The difficult part of the sibling thing is that, in addition to mourning your parent or loved one (or anticipatory mourning) is that you’re realizing your sibling is not who you assumed they were. When you were younger and thought of the future, you probably assumed everyone would band together and pitch in. You might have even assumed that you’d grow closer to your siblings, in the face of common struggle and loss.

Instead, this did not happen, and you are left to wonder who the hell they are, and who you are. It can feel like you’ve lost the rest of your family, too.

You’re dealing with loss. Don’t listen to people here who are flip and telling you to just “hire a junk hauler and sell the house.” A house is more than a commodity. Everyone who has been through this should know it usually takes at least a year to clear clutter, memories and feelings, arrange sales and giveaways, and then yes finally the haulers and realtors. It’s the flyaway siblings who have that self-indulgent quick fix life path, why follow them? (

(Oh, and “sell everything and take the best European vacation” - no, go where YOU want to go. European vacations are where you just wind up shuffling around crowded tourist sites surrounded by the hordes of non helping siblings who are living the prescribed “good life” LOL who wants to be around that?)

It is impossible not to feel that way. You don't want to be doing this either but know it is how you can help your father. All I can say (and I have seen it and lived it) is this is the hardest , most thankless, most exhausting job you will ever have and the one you will hate losing the most. When you Dad is no longer here to help, you will know you did your best. So do what you can and get help with the rest. Pay for it out of the sell of the home. I am sure your sister will want her part so make sure any cost is paid before any division. But be with your father as much as you can be. That is the true legacy, the memories. The satisfaction of knowing you walked with him through his hardest days.

Just forget she exists and never speak to her again . She Is Not acknowledging your Life so forget her .

I think getting over anger that you have to anyone is work.

People have learned to forgive people for drunk driving and killing loved ones

There is power in forgiving

The person that holds the power is the one that benefits the most

But forgiving doesn't mean you want them in your life
It only means you want the anger out of your heart, because that anger only hurts you.

It's like holding onto a hot rock.
Who is that hot rock hurting them NO you!

When you are angry with someone, that gives them the POWER. You give them to much power with anger. Forgive, let go and you have the POWER

Part 2... which unfortunately comes before Part 1...

I would say for the anger, if I had that rock in my life, that loving partner. I would maybe let the anger go and focus on living a beautiful life with that partner and children if you have any and forget that sibling.

Keep those treasures to yourself if your sibling is not interested, take comfort in those treasures and hopefully wonderful memories.

I do not have such a rock in my life and have to face this things alone, and try and get some kind of supportive help via this forum, entertain my and humor myself. Anyone suggesting psychologists, counsellors, etc it's not for me, because they're obviously still detached from your real situation, even though they're trying to help. Only a loving partner or loving friends that are totally with you 100% "like a rock" make a difference in this world.

Part 1: :)

Hello, I can complete relate not sure if you're going to see this or even read it, but I'm sending a reply because I can relate to your heartache, anger, sadness, disappointment, let down! major let down feeling.

My whole back story is on the profile oldageisnotfun, as it seems it's impossible to contact any administrators for agingcare to help with support to get that profile back online. So you can read my back story on that profile if interested.

I've found that the people on this site are supportive and given good advice for my situation, but it's only the one's that have lived through similar situations, "like with most problems in life" that really get it.

Firstly I would say you're a little bit lucky in that you only have those feelings again one sibling. Multiply that by 6 for me, 6 people I have the same kind of resentment feelings about, all for different issues with each of them as individuals, but also because since my father passed away, they really have not lifted a finder to help support my mother, only one sibling that has done more than the rest of them, but even that one is more interested in their own independence, socializing, going places.

What really gets me is people immediately think, oh that's jealousy. It's not! It's about equal responsibility, it's not written that my parents would have 6 children and only one would take have the sense to understand, parents raise you, in most case love you unconditionally, provide for you, etc. then where there time comes all siblings should see it this way and take equal responsibility.

You say how do you cope, we'll I would say support from your partner, in my case no partner, no one, so no one to let steam off either, no one to listen, except write on this platform but everyone knows it's not the same as personal human comfort, someone to be there with you like a rock! you don't get that on computer based platforms of any type. People do say comforting things I do not deny this, but not one is living through your life, they say it and move on. So people do need that rock in their life and I'm so glad you have your husband, that's big! someone to share your thoughts, provide comfort through touch.

How do you cope? I guess various people have various ways of handling it. One thing I know is, after all my determination to explain, many arguments, to the one sibling to take on more responsibility; they have nothing else going on with their life over the last five years, no job, no partner, no children, yet still never made the commitment to change, do more, take an "equal" share of the responsibility. I've given up.

My other siblings are similar to your sibling, come for special occasions, live their live, send the cards and occasional phone calls, of only 5-10min after not calling for weeks on end. In addition asking my mother, is she's getting help from me, am I doing things ok, asking on the phone if she's ok. What they don't see on the phone is how she struggles with everything, but still when she's on the phone with them she say "I'm ok", so it doesn't even phase them they have not done their part during her struggles with health and pain, but when she's "god forbid" bed bound or worse they'll all be here, with their pretentious act, Do you need anything? can I do anything for you?

My silblings have been giving me s*!?1 while I've have been looking after my mother all this time, so for it hasn't simply been they're not doing anything to help. You could say mine is double anger, they haven't done anything to help my mother since my father passed away, plus there's one to one issues with all of them, for wrongs they've done to me.

see part 2... if you can bear any more....

So many are saying, let it go and move on. So easy, right? You love your dad, and are the only one doing anything for him, and you have a well-off sister oblivious to the toll it takes on you while she happily moves on with her own life. Moving on is easy to say, but resentment creeps in when we least expect it, even in the most loving of families. It is not unusual, and it is human. It is not a sin to feel the toll of being the only child who cares enough to take care of a parent. I hope your dad realizes just how much you care for him and is grateful for all the time, effort and money you have given for his sake. Sometimes even our once-wise parents in their old age do not see their world anymore for what it is and do not accept it. They may take it out on the one person who actually loves and cares for them. In this day and age, we have people we can talk to in helping us have some peace with all of "this" - and "this" can be overwhelming. Don't be afraid to ask for the help. And don't be afraid to go to a professional to see about financial situations, too. Perhaps, this would get the sister and family more "involved". If the sister does get more involved, then she might want more say about the situation, too. I wish you and your family and dad well, and hope the situation becomes more manageable. From my experience, time and routine and no expectations have helped. I love my sibling, but I think I knew that the burden of caring for my folks would have always been mine. I am blessed with a husband and family of my own that have been wonderful. I truly think that in time, your burden will ease and hope that the resentment that is only too human to feel will ease, too.

We’re all going through similar situations and yes, it’s hard not to be bitter or resentful. In due time, they will get the same treatment in their last years.

I think I get it. You'd like some thanks.

So THANK YOU. Thank you for stepping up, being there, being the practical, useful, caring, do-er.
Give yourself a giant pat on the back.

Then maybe take a big cardboard box out to your yard & kick it hard. Beat it up. Let the rage out.

Your family are lucky to have your skills, but you are not without limits so outsource everything you can. Find services & arrange payment for whatever Dad needs. (It's FOR Dad so funded BY Dad).

A wise midwife once told me, "Family is grand, but you need a village". Sure that was about raising children, but also applies for elders I think.

Widen your view past your sibling & find other, more practical hands to help you. You have this.

My life improved by leaps and bounds when I stopped having expectations of others. I was wasting a lot of energy being disappointed. Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Let it go.

SadBigSister: Although I could have been angry when I had to live with my mother to provide care out of state and then clean out her house after she'd succumbed to a stroke, I didn't let myself 'go there.' I was one exhausted AND elderly woman with no time for acrimony. And yes, I do have one male sibling.

I don’t get the issue here. Hire some company to clear the house of the junk (using dad’s money) and be done with it. He’s in assisted living. You shouldn’t need to be so hands on.

Sell the house, get paid for it. It is hard work.
And take the best possible trip to Europe or anywhere else

Your sister has made her choice. She does not want to feel obligated to do all of the things you are doing.
Why are you taking on so much responsibility? You wonder if you could be paid for all this extra work after he passes. If Dad has the funds, use them to hire a professional crew to clean up and prepare his house for sale.
You and your father would be better served by spending your time simply visiting and being a daughter. If you are choosing to do all this extra work because, as you say, you are happy to help, then you have made it your choice.
Do not resent your sister for not choosing to do the same.
You more likely resent her selfishness, or what you see as selfish choices.
You can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do.
Let it go for your own peace of mind. Anger and resentment will fester if you let them, and only hurt you more.

Don't hold anyone else; your sister, her husband, even your husband, to your expectations. It's not fair to them, and you will be left disappointed.

6 years. My sister did not visit, call or send Mom cards for 6 years. My sister also jetted off to Chile to ski and to Iceland several times.

I have no regrets.

Pay someone to help clear out Mom's house. We had a Haitian American former caregiver haul off 6 SUV loads packed of things.

Who, if anyone is POA for dad?
You can be paid for the time and expense that you put in in caring for him. This includes running him to dr appointments, going shopping for things he needs. Actually anything.

What you need to do is TRY to forget your sister and her husband. What they do or don't do for dad is on them (on her). Will she regret not spending time with him when he dies? Who knows, again that is on her.
If you are POA for dad one of the things that you should discuss are funeral arrangements. If you are in agreement, great. If she has no time to discuss this then make whatever arrangements that you think dad would want.
Use dad's funds to pre pay so that that is taken care of. And payments can be spread out over a period of time.
As to all the "treasures" give her a deadline and say that this has to be done by....and if she wants to help or if she has anything to say about items she needs to step up. If she has no interest then do what you have to do to.

This is on her,
You need to let it go.
You can't "make" her care, contribute, visit, call.
The anger and resentment that you have, that you feel has NO impact on her, it does not effect her at all. You are letting her live rent free in your heart and head. Evict her.

This is all about choices.
We weren't forced to be caregivers: we chose to be. Our siblings, who are living their own lives did not choose to be caregivers.

We could choose to stop being caregivers, but it would probably go against our natures. Just as how becoming a caregiver would go against some of our siblings' natures.

There's no point in railing against the fact we each chose this path for ourselves, just as there's no point in being resentful that our siblings chose a different path.

Instead, make some bold decisions. And take a step back.

If your father is downsizing, then there is probably money to pay for a house clearance company to do all this work.

Don't waste your time and energy doing a job that is making you unhappy, when others with no emotional attachment could be doing it for your dad, instead.

Go in and take out sentimental items you want to keep, then let the company take care of the rest.

Then be your dad's daughter, not his unpaid worker.

Good Afternoon,

Join the Club honey...you are not alone my friend.

This is not unusual but unfortunately quite common. My parents were the one's who cared for everyone.

Fast forward today I find myself caring for my mother. I, too, an unwell but I always have my hair done and lipstick on so I don't appear sick on the outside.

The expression, "there is always one" is all too common. You can only control what you can control. I am in the exact same position. You should see my brother's passport from the countries he has visited, while I on the other hand
go to the gas station, doctor's and drugstore drive-thru.

I believe in your mother's old age show her your appreciation. Do not abandon me when I am old and cast me aside. It's hard but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.

However, pay your bills on time, keep your medical appointments, buy some flowers for yourself...no one else can do this for you. I know it's hard to accept when others won't assist, especially in my case where my siblings and I had a fabulous childhood. But don't get stuck there. It's like a broken record after a while.

This forum will be good for you. It has helped me. Sometimes we agree on things and other times we agree to disagree but I always learn something on this site.

Every Friday, my day off, is beauty day! I look forward to it each and every week. It keeps me going. Find little things that mean a lot. It's different for everyone but it makes a difference.

It doesn’t matter if you’re an only child or have a bunch of siblings in a family. Most of the time it’s one child who is the caregiver.

You can’t force your siblings to help you and even if you could, would you really want to?

Would you want someone caring for you that didn’t want to be there? I wouldn’t.

Don’t be overly concerned about how your siblings choose to live their lives. Yes, it hurts when siblings don’t care about what you are going through.

Life stinks at times. In my experience, sooner or later everything eventually comes out in the wash.

Can you honestly say that you know everything that your siblings are going through? They may have problems of their own that they don’t want to share with you.

Or they could simply be rotten people who don’t give a crap about your suffering. Either way, what are you accomplishing by being disturbed by their actions or lack of action?

Sure, it feels good to get things off your chest, so go ahead and vent. All of us have vented on this forum.

Then, make a plan to hire a reliable professional who will actually be productive in helping you with your needs.

Wishing you all the best.

I think most of us can relate to the resentment.

You're not going to get paid. Instead, hire help with father's money - clean out help, sorting help, hauling help - there are companies that specialize in this ie: 'Smooth Transitions.' Get a great realtor to sell the house.

Talk to an attorney to see if there's any thing else that needs sorting with his estate while he's still able to think clearly.

The universe appreciates the work you and your husband have done, make efforts to make it as easy as possible on yourself because your parents left you a mess. Sending love.

There are children caretakers and then there are children 'takers'. They will not help out in any way, but will expect equal share when it comes to taking. You can't fix those people or change them. If dad's will (and mom's) left equal shares in spite of the fact that you do the work for them, there's very little you can do.

It's hard to ignore or put aside the resentment, but you really have no other option. As one of my relatives told me, it was my 'choice' to take care of my parent when that parent could no longer do so alone. And that part is true. I did the best I could for the parent 24/7 with little help. My heart is good with my decision.

As mentioned, many people have gone through this alone. In my situation, I eventually disowned my brother, wasn't worth my energy. He would offer to help me and bailed a few times. He even went as far as telling me that my mother would've been disappointed in me because I didn't put her 14yrs younger sister in her obituary! (she was given 5k (moms money)to come see Mom, fromTexas to MN, 8 months later she came for 3 days) He told me that the day before her funeral and I just bit my lip knowing I didn't want to ruin her celebration of life. I was all alone with everything! I arranged the service and it was what she wanted. We planned early on about the color of flowers and food for after the service.
The house, right where you are now,OVERWHELMING, you're doing the same thing I did, donations is beautiful!! Take it slowly and don't forget to breathe.
Brother only cared about her will and wanting his share! There's a legal issue that I had to wait 30 days before distribution of her funds and I needed to hold on to some till taxes were done. She did owe almost 7K and I finished the distribution and I'm done with him!
I think what hurts the most is we expect family to be there and when they're not it's sickening!!! Who are these people? Don't they have any concerns about all the things they did for us growing up? What makes them think that their life is more important than mine? I was very resentful and now that I don't have to deal with him, I'm good! Put the sister to the curb with the donations. Remember that you're going through enough and it's draining your energy, energy you'll need later.

My brother had the excuse that "Dad's already gone. This is just the body he lived in." With pressure he showed up when Dad died. Dad was hanging on just for that. Repeat no-shows for Mom, but I didn't ask him to come when Mom was dying. Total no-show to clear out either apartment (Mom moved after Dad died.) All as expected. We know our siblings. Why do we expect otherwise?

You can't change other people. You can change your expectations. You can change your reactions. I am proud of all I did for our parents. I do not have any guilt for things I should have done differently. The stress I gave them as a kid was made up many times over with the love and consideration I gave them when they needed it.

Taking care of our aging parents is hard work and they often make it harder. You might feel like a martyr. Try to let that go. Hire people to do as much as possible. Remind yourself that your are a good, loving daughter. Focus on that. Don't drive yourself crazy. Just get the job done and know you are stronger and better than your sister.

I am so sorry you are going through all this along! My thoughts and prayers are with you! I am the youngest of four daughters. I was the only one who took care of my Mom until she passed in 2022. My Dad started going downhill after that so I am his caregiver now. My 3 older sisters only do these things: my oldest sister does nothing, my next to the oldest sister comes up once a month for 3 to 4 hours to work on bills, and finally my older sister whom my parents gave her an half of an acre is suppose to mow and keep the yard up. She doesn’t do a good job at all! None of them come visit day. None of them call him to see how he is going. None of them send cards. Not to forget they NEVER call my and check on Dad or check on me. I have a lot of critical health issues. I too get so angry about their lack of help, and inquiring as to how Dad is doing. I stopped this year volunteering information to them about either of us. I felt if they wanted to know they could text or call me. I told myself I would stop helping them as well. However, I backed tracked a couple steps so far this year with sister asking for a ride and bringing her home and visa versa. Mom was the glue for our family, so now that she is gone I guess they don’t care about Dad which makes me so angry with them. I pray about it every night to release this angry I have been been hard on it since it only effects my health, and not theirs. I hope you can come to peace with your anger, but like I said it’s a long process for me.

It takes Practice when the feelings come around. You gotta take a deep breath and sit down. Or exercise or something. But after a while it won't bother you. Everybody who has astranged relatives can testify to that. For whatever cause the separation you don't need it probably even if it was you.

I gave up on trying to figure out why my sibling turned in the towel when my father got seriously Ill and I had to take over. I couldn't understand how or why since she was his favorite child. I was resentful for a long time. Then I realized that it wasn't something my sibling was equipped to deal with. She lacks certain capabilities including patience and therefore I needed to take over.
We have to recognize pls limitations and move on as best as we can.

You’re not the first to be left on your own with caregiving and/or cleaning out a home. Many of us have been there. My siblings did the same. Choosing to be resentful, angry bitter over it has zero effect on others and totally messes us up, it’s the same as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go. Accept that your sister has chosen minimal involvement and let it go, it will eventually make you feel better, for acceptance is a gift you give yourself. Realize your parents created the mess, not your sister. If you’re not up to the clean out, hire it done with dad’s money. I wish you acceptance and peace

I’m one of five . I did 95% of the work for both my parents for over a decade . Including clearing out the house .

It’s very common that one does most of the work and the others are “ too busy “.

Accept it . It’s not worth getting your blood pressure up . Luckily you have a supportive husband to help .

And yes unfortunately caregiving does ruin relationships between siblings sometimes . My family seemed to forget how much time I spent caring for my parents and were critical at the same time . They weren’t involved until I told them I had to place my parents in facilities ( at separate times ) then they thought I should wait and keep doing what I was doing . And I had waited too long already .

If your sister is not being critical then take that as a win . She can choose to not do anything . If it’s too much , hire a company to clean out the house .

My mother had a lot of figurine collections , many other knickknacks , a lot of clothes shoes handbags , gowns etc . I called an auction company for the furniture , large heavy pieces .

I’m not a collector of anything in particular , never was. It’s not fair that these people don’t clean out their houses sooner . I myself am cleaning out now at 59, reducing significantly before I turn 60..