I am in my mid 30's and have been caring for an elderly and disabled Mom and Uncle for the past 12 years while working full time. My Uncle recently passed away and I am struggling with grief. My Mom's care has become so much more involved over the past few months so I am overwhelmed almost all of the time. I am sinking into a depression. I can feel the tidal wave of darkness and despair building and I am powerless to stop it. I am just too darn tired. Tired of putting myself last and having no life. Tired of being exhausted all the time and tired of not having the energy to care for myself. Quite frankly, I am too young to be this tired and I am so angry that I am in this position. But at the same time, given these choices again, I would make the same exact decisions. So, I am left with being aggravated and angry at myself because I am in a "no win" scenario that is self created. Thank you for allowing me to vent. (Trying to remember that, "This too shall pass" and today is just a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day)
Welcome to the forum.
You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.
You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!
You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.
I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.
You have given the years of your life that are usually applied to careers, marriage and child rearing, so I can't imagine how tired and burned out you must feel. I pray that the counseling helps you feel hopeful again.
Is your mom open to outside help?
Do you have any family or friends that can give you a vacation to go mourn your uncle and to rebalance? Please try to find a way to get some time for you, we all need a chance to grieve and find our footing after a big loss.
Hugs, you are a blessing to your mom and you were a blessing to your uncle.
"Not being able to grieve because you are on call 24/7 makes the loss so much harder." No one in my family seems to understand this so thank you for acknowledging how hard it is to grieve when you are "on call" all the time.
My Mom is open to outside help (she realizes her care is more than I can provide alone now) so I just need to look into getting help to come in.
I am the youngest of four children, but yet, the care falls totally on my shoulders. My brother, the oldest, does as little as possible to help out. I lost my older sister to breast cancer in 2002 :( And my other sister helps out when she can, but she is only helpful when it is convenient for her.
Hugs to you for reminding me what a blessing we are to our loved ones. And they to us as well. Thanks again for your kindness :)
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.
The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.
Now, how to do that?
Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)
Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.
I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.