How do you care for someone who was abusive to you?

My MIL has been abusive to my wife her entire life. My wife raised herself as a kid, had to find ways to buy her own clothes and get herself to school while mom was passed out on the couch. We're talking age 7. She moved out and got a job and a car and drove without a license at 14. I've known her mom for 23 years now and refuse to be in the same place with her. The verbal abuse is on about 90% of the time. My kids who are now 15 and 16 love her, she has been nice to them but there have been a few instances here she's gotten abusive. My son was in the Superbowl for his football league when in the middle of the game she started to walk across the field to get to a building on the other side instead of going around. My daughter (10 or 11) yelled at her to stop and she flipped out on my daughter.

Then there's the time she invited the drug dealers outside a 7/11 to come meet me and my family waiting for her in the minivan while she needed an emergency bathroom stop. She told me I was rude to her and the drug dealers telling her to get in the damned car NOW while I've got a guy in my driver side window trying to sell me drugs with my wife and toddlers in the back seat. As I drive off, she takes a 40oz beer out of her bag and opens it. Wtf??

She also gives the majority of her SSI away to online scammers. We've tried to educate her, to take control of her finances, but she wouldn't stop. She was also spending thousands a month on her credit cards on in app game purchases with no intention of paying. She says it's the credit card companies fault for giving her the cards. Everything is someone else's fault. Everything. We set her phone up as a kids and now all IAPs have to be approved by my wife. Boy she is not happy about that.

Fast forward, she lives alone, has bad emphysema (or whatever it's called now), vapes, refuses oxygen, hasn't showered in a year. Is unable to get downstairs (elevator) on her own to get to a doctor appt for her lungs. She goes thru tons of inhalers, sometimes 1 a day. I've been handling hospice and elder protective services for my dad and my wife asked me for all the contact info.

She called her mom to try to get help set up for her from these agencies but mom immediately started attacking her. You don't care what happens to me, etc.

Wife is done. Blocked her mom's number. Her mom has one foot in the grave. The other foot can't follow quickly enough.

Bottom line is let her go. It's not you, it's her and there is nothing you can do to change her behavior. These suggestions of ignoring her or treating her back the same way or setting rules or boundaries or consequences. It doesn't work. The only thing that ever helped was proper medication. She actually became a very nice and generous person but then she'd stop taking it because "I'm better now".

Get yourself away from your mom permanently whatever you have to do. If my wife was able to find a way to move out at 14 while living in the slums, so can you.

Im also going to throw this out there. I was always proud that my wife did not let her mother's behaviors affect her own. She's been an amazing mom. My wife is now in her mid 50s and my daughter (16) and I are noticing some early behavior changes in my wife that remind us of her mom. We can't bring it up or she feels attacked and gets defensive but it's starting to push us away. It makes us fearful as to where this might go. You need to be self aware and on guard of your own behaviors for life to make sure you don't start to go down that road.

Let her know for her own benefit you are sending her to more qualified people 😉

Went through it and all I could do was tell them straight and that's it. They dont like it too bad...

First I want you to know that you are valuable and the abuse was never right. Some people never had the ability to parent .They prioritized their selfishness over the needs of the innocent .
please examine why you are choosing to care for her .
whatever choices she made not to accept medical care now is her choices. I lived this with my mother. She just expected family is to care for elderly but she skipped the part that a mother is to care for her own children.
the two are not separate.
She needs to experience the consequences . Usually humans learn this at a young age. She never did, so she just took and took.
Respond to her abusiveness now with firmless. Lacking giving her attention is powerful- walk out and stay away for 30 min to an hour- whatever is better. I lived this with my mother. Three weeks before she died she yelled at me for not doing things her way and I cut all contact. She told my husband she did nothing wrong. Stubborn to the end and even insulted nurses who were sent in. In the end what did she gain but to be remembered with disappointment

Hi, GonzalesM:

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's physical problems. Yes, your mother is mean, but try not to take it too personally. Bipolar is a mood disorder psychosis illness. Is your mother on medication and therapy for her mental illness? What is her age, and can she go into assisted living and on Medicaid once her funds are spent down?

By comparison, my own mother had bipolar illness that ended her marriage of 10 years back in 1946 to 1956, leaving us kids to be placed into foster. Very selfish mother. Later, my siblings left town to find jobs and their own peaceful lives. I stayed with Mom for 38 years, had nowhere else to go, I had jobs, got my two-year degree, and did not take much bickering and abuse from her, so I would just go to my room, even walked outside, until her complaining stopped. Sometimes she would apologize, sometimes not. It's our faith that got us through those years together, and I constantly reminded her of that. Mom never got properly diagnosed, doctors incorrectly called it paranoid schizophrenia, got no therapy nor medication for her disorder. She had been moved up to Oregon near my brother's place in her last year of life. She passed away in a nursing home in 2014, but my family has been split apart forever, leaving me alone in the CA Bay Area. However, I do have some family members' remote contact.

Stop. Doing. It. Stop being her caregiver. For nearly 2 years I've been the caregiver for my 82 y/o demented mother. She has been a cold, critical, emotionally abusive, and terrible mother to me. I am the daughter of a jealous, unloving, mean, demanding, narcissist.

In October of 2020, I stepped in to help, doing everything. I believed it was the Christian thing to do to "honor" my parent. But, it has just left me overwhelmed, burned out and resentful.

I've decided to step away. I do not owe her my life. I've become detached, more hands-off, and I'm looking for placement for her. I've answered incessant, middle of the night and during my work-day phone calls. No more. I've set firm boundaries as far as my availability. Not available-your call will not be answered. PERIOD. The frequency has decreased dramatically. I've stopped being at her beck and call. I've retained an in-home aide, and I'm on a search for MC placement.

You can provide support, but at a distance. You can ensure the care is provided. You do not have to be the caregiver.

Do not become abusive to your abuser.

I do not have an answer for you, but I want to sympathize with you. I am in the same situation and it grows worse with every day that passes.

My personal feeling is that nobody should have to live with someone who is abusive (mentally or physically). Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you of your mother's and your (and your brother's) options. Much will depend on her finances. I'd suggest doing the legwork first to try to find a couple of good assisted living place near you, so that you can oversee her care and visit often (even if they are only short visits). Then have a talk with her and tell her that her care is getting to be too much for you. You can show her the places you found, and hopefully she'll like one of them. The advantage of assisted living is professional care, people her own age around her, and they organize activities. All the best to you!

My short answer would be DON'T.

I know it's not as easy as all that but I would have a hard time taking care of an abuser. It's difficult enough taking care of someone you love who loves you back.

If it's at all possible I'd get her into full time care. You don't deserve the alternative.

GonzalezM: You simply cannot continue to provide care to an individual, albeit your mother, who continues to bash you verbally. Your mother should be placed in a managed care facility, who has on staff skilled medical professionals who are better equipped to care for a stroke victim. That is not to say that your caregiving accomplishment was anything less than stellar.

People who have personality disorders are usually the ones in nursing homes. They can be delightful to strangers and staff, and humiliate, and abuse their families when no one is around.

Id say it's to much to handle. Get her into a home. I'd say I'm burned out. And you need a level of care I cannot do. Stroke pts need therapy, and help with everything. There are 3 shifts at ehe nursing home for a reason. No one should work fill time doing that. If you went to a job, and said I'll do that, they wouldn't let you. There are laws stopping people from being used and abused like that. But your taking on 24/7.

Who is POA. Time to step up and say that's its too much.

Changes in the stroke patient's emotions and personality are common after stroke. It's very normal to experience strong emotions after stroke, however these emotional reactions usually get better with time. Longer-term emotional and personality changes can be very challenging.

https://strokefoundation.org.au › em...
Emotional and personality 

You can also get a consult from her doc for a psychiatrist. They can prescribe meds to help with anxiety/depression and to calm her. They can have brain changes after a stroke. I'd give them a call and do not back down. You need a consult for her. Tell your sister it is time. It is too much. Do not back down. Good luck.

People who have personality disorders are usually the ones in nursing homes. They can be delightful to strangers and staff, and humiliate, and abuse their families when no one is around.

Id say it's to much to handle. Get her into a home. I'd say I'm burned out. And you need a level of care I cannot do. Stroke pts need therapy, and help with everything. There are 3 shifts at the nursing home for a reason. No one should work 24/7 doing that. If you went to a job, and said I'll do that. I'll work that many hours around the clock, they wouldn't hire you. They wouldn't let you work those hours. There are laws stopping people from being used and abused like that. But your taking it on 24/7.

Who is POA? Time to step up and say that's its too much. Let's go find a place.

Changes in the stroke patient's emotions and personality are common after stroke. It's very normal to experience strong emotions after stroke, however these emotional reactions usually get better with time. Longer-term emotional and personality changes can be very challenging.

https://strokefoundation.org.au › em...


You can also get a consult from her doc for a psychiatrist. They can prescribe meds to help with anxiety/depression and to calm her. They can have brain changes after a stroke. I'd give them a call and do not back down. You need a consult for her. Tell your brother it is time. It is too much. Do not back down. It is time for a home. Good luck.

How do you care for someone who has been abusive to you?

You no longer take care of your mother but instead make sure she is cared for by professionals.

You are too young to have such a life. You have to shake off any notion that she will change and miraculously be a made-for-TV sweet, gracious and appreciative mom. Your responsibility is only to make sure she is sheltered, fed, kept clean and safe by someone else. 

The big thing now is to cut the rotten umbilical cord to that sewage system and realize you’re wiser, more powerful and much more the-better-person than she ever was. Show your future kids what a great mom is like.

Imagine, while reading this you were overcome by a wave of never felt before clarity, freedom and hope. 

This feeling has not only enveloped you but has also washed through you. You will have this transformative feeling if you completely and whole heartedly accept that you are whole and solid without your mom’s love and make definite plans to have her in a care facility. And every time you visit her and she says the first miserable thing say; "Well that's always nice. Maybe it'll go better next time and I can stay longer. See you next Tuesday". Next visit bring her a latte, and repeat the same response. Train her.

In a whacky way you may possibly be more solid and savvy for your pains. You have experienced an unwanted education which should include at this point learning that it is a useless effort to try to find mom anymore in this sorry broken being. It’s time to take a slow deep breath, and as you slowly breath out expel your mom from being part of you. You are 100 million billion times more than just of her flesh.

The mind and heart of a healthy mom almost worships their babies. A mother’s love is a precious bond, it is an automatic protective nature, and unfathomably deeper than the universe. All else is unfortunate and a sad sickness that happens to some of us.

You are an honorable person but a little deluded as well for wanting to help in spite of your history. 

You are intelligent and write well. You are sensitive and you are, right now, the person perhaps you were meant to be regardless of the insanity, and crazy making of your childhood.

If you can even for a minute, (with practice you will be able to let go longer and then forever), slip off that ugly coat of memories and think as it slides away that what remains from that compilation of twisted experiences is a beautifully unique creation that has something special to bring to the world’s table which is a perspective and understanding that will be able to serve others and it doesn’t have to be professionally. You have a unique depth. Even in 50 years from now some one young person may need the knowledge and heart that only such a person as you can provide. Your empathy and sympathy will mean the world.

When someone has gone through bad experiences it can either destroy them or make them a force. Your voice tells you will be the latter.

YOU have to become the mom, the logical decision maker your mom was supposed to have been, and in this case for a demented old child. How will you better mom, protect, be kind, to yourself? You have to be gentle to yourself to be in the best shape for your future family.

If she had been a savage dog that you had no luck with you’d try to find a no kill farm, or a place it could safely live out its years. You must not allow further abuse, never, from anyone.

How you care for someone who was abusive to you.
From now on you are The Directress, The Controller and you will take all the steps, some small and some big, toward arranging for your mother’s care.

You will see there is a light of peace at the end of a short tunnel of desks, phone calls, and offices that you must deal with as you speak with anyone and everyone involved to help you arrange care for your mother in a facility. You are strictly only an overseer.

You must have a life. You must focus on your future.

I'm so sorry. I would just tell her, as I would a child, that this behavior is ugly and mean, and completely unacceptable. And that you expect better.

There is a lot of good advice in the comments. But, the most critical thing you must do first is fully acknowledge, accept, and act on the fact that your mother has two (2) neurological deficits that prevent her from engaging with you in a healthy manner.

Acknowledge both Bipolar and a stroke alter the brain chemistry and function.

Accept that you do not have the mother you want, you have the mother you have.

Act, with your healthy brain, to get the best care for your mother. Unless you are highly trained AND have a staff or round-the-clock attendants, you are not the best caregiver. You are her child, yes. But, look at the staff in a nursing home (everything from doctors and nurses to dietitians, therapists, activity coordinators, health attendants, and cleaning staff. You may be a fantastic person, but you are not all that. And, unless you are ready brining in a comparable team, there is a reason you are exhausted.

I strongly encourage you to do two things:
1. Work with a geriatric social worker to find an appropriate placement for your mom.
2. Find a therapist for yourself. You are a child of abuse who has not learned boundries and is still trying to please your mom - even when that i's neither in your best interest or hers in the home as it stands now.

My then 93-year-old bipolar ill mother even got to the point where she told me I was responsible for moving her out of our condo when she kept falling and finally Kaiser just would not send her home. I had to work, and no one was home to care for her. In 2011. 2 years before Mom had to move to rehab and assisted living, my oldest brother then referred to name as, "Trudy" instead of "Mom", because he has been used for several years and no longer wanted involvement with her. Mom lost respect from most of us siblings. After Mom went to assisted living in 2013, I got nasty letters from her threatening to take me into court for our condo when it was not even my fault. I confirmed with two of my family members that I did the right thing by not bringing her back home since she was too fragile and had no more strength to harm me.

Sincerely,
Patathome01

it’s “amazing” (in an incredibly negative way) how many mothers are so nasty to their daughters.

dear abused-daughters-worldwide,

it has everything to do with the fact that you’re a girl. she would not treat you that way, if you were a boy. exceptionally, some mothers are mean to their sons, but even then, usually they’ll be much worse to their daughters.

some mothers want to destroy their daughters:
—your self-confidence
—your body (harming you)
—your mind (throwing verbal garbage/insults at you) (brain-washing you) (they want to make sure you don’t feel good about yourself) (the sweeter you are = that’s awful for them, because they want to insult you, but how to insult you when you’re so kind and sweet? by inventing garbage, and hoping you’ll start believing the garbage).

it’s almost like the behavior of a mean girl at school against another girl.

" My mother has always suffered from Bipolar Disorder and Depression and constantly takes it out on myself and my brother."

It sounds like you need to allow yourself to understand that your mother is suffering from menta disorders. She isn't taking anything out on you. She likely dislikes the fact that she does these things herself. Doesn't even understand why she does them. She is not well. It is exhausting. I is hard to manage.

She likely needs medication and psychological therapy.

You can only take "so much" and you will begin to neglect and be verbally abusive to her and this will escalate.