How do we physically get my father to a memory care facility? He said if we try and remove him from his home, he will disappear.

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How do we physically get my father to a memory care facility? He said if we try and remove him from his home, he will disappear.

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Jjust tell him he have an appointment he won't remember anyway. And take it from there

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Thank you. That's pretty much what we are going to have to do. He will be closer to us and we will be able to see him more.

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Would your father want to go to lunch or dinner with you? Can you set it up with the AL/MC facility to host a "luncheon" and allow you to quietly leave afterward while he visits someone in his own room? I bet you could possibly set something like this up. Once he's there, don't visit until he's "settled in" per the facility. It may take a week's worth of planning, but that might work, particularly if it's paired with a doctor's appointment or something like that. Many AL facilities have nice dining rooms that look like a restaurant.

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Thank you for your response. We are talking to facilities now and going on tours. We are asking what can they do on they end. The ones I've talked to said once he's there they could take over. Plus I'm going to talk to his doctor about some type of medication she can put him on to help keep him calm.
We are going to make sure his room is set up with familiar things.

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My mother had always said that she would "do something to herself" if we ever put her in a Nursing Home. Well, that's a lot of big talk (bluff) as she is still living. I know that she's not a big burly man who would fight me because she didn't trust me, but we did manage to use words and phrases that made Mom interested in "visiting" this NEW place. Words like, "senior residence, assisted living, new apartment, people your age, etc. Phrases like,....less housework for you; no shopping; no yard work; I have my own health issues; (which may or may not be true). However, once we took her to have a tour of the place, she had the biggest smile on her face and was so happy to be able to live there.
I don't know if this will work for you and your Dad, but feel it's worth a try.
I also don't know if you need to get the Sheriff into the act either. This may really create a scene. However, if you have a Social Worker with whom you are working and "getting things into place," he/she may have other options for you. Good luck.....

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Thank you. We have indeed used those words with dad. It makes him mad. He says he can take care of himself. Even tho we have someone that cuts his grass, we take him shopping, clean his house and take him out to eat. I actually talked to my dad yesterday and he.just cut me off and refused to discuss it. He forgets we have our own medical issues and it's getting harder to go out there. Reminding him does no good because 20 mins later, he's already forgotten it.
The social worker is no help. They are suppose to call us when she visits dad, haven't heard from. her in 6 months.
Dad is very very stubborn. It's always been his way or no way. That's how he was with us growing up. Very controlling.

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See if the Dr would give him an anti depressant med. changed my husband from lion to lamb. After 12 yrs of ALZ I put him in memory care. The first night they said was horrible. Gave him meds to calm. I had given him 2 tylenal pm once w episode & he went to sleep. I did not visit for 2 weeks so he could feel that was home. I felt like that was his first death for me. Not in his bed when I look to see if he was ok etc. he just passed 3 wks ago & was up & walking but God knew it was time so spit blood at er found kidney failure. Gone in 6 days. They will medicate your dad if he gets aggressive which you may not like but remember you cannot care for him & they have a group of people to deal with. Always remember this disease does not get better so I didn’t want to prolong it. Not fair to him or family. I like the idea take him to lunch there & they should flower him w love so you can leave. Pray a lot so all will be peaceful. Go to an Alzheimer’s support group it does your guilt wonders. We meet weekly & we all share in different circumstances. You will gain strength from them.

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Mlface
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband.

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An ambulance or medical transport service will take care of it for you.

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I thought about that too, but I suspect you better have your legal ducks and paperwork all ready to go. If I were ambulance crew I would want that protection against any charges of kidnapping, etc.

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Dear Vickier,

I hope that I did not come across as uncaring or unfeeling - it was not my intention at all and I meant no disrespect to anyone. It's difficult to know how to go about things when a loved one has become cognitively impaired.

I moved my mom in with me after my dad passed away a little over a year ago. I'd taken her on vacation for her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad because I wanted to distract her from her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad. I lost my own husband five years ago and remember all to well how difficult that first year can be. As it turned out, I took her in the nick of time because last October, I took her to the movies and when we came out, she did not recognize who I was.

I had to figure out a way to get mom to the hospital without her knowing that was where I was taking her. She thought I was her sister and kept asking where our mom and dad were. She was also making things up that I knew were not true and I did not realize what I was dealing with. I stayed in the hospital with her for about 4 days while they ran several tests and, the results concluded that she suffered minor strokes, which basically destroyed brain cells and launched her into moderate stage dementia.

Thankfully, after about a month, the new medications started to take effect and mom stabilized a bit. I also took a leave from my job to make sure that I put things in place for her. I switched bedrooms so that she would have the master bedroom I once shared with my late husband and took a smaller room next to the kitchen for myself. Thankfully, I can still handle things with mom in my home and hope to do so for as long as I possibly can. My only sibling passed away over 3 decades ago and mom and I are pretty much the only family we have left.

Wishing you and your family the very best and I am glad that you have decided upon a plan which will work best for you.

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Unfortunately daddy can't live with me or my sister. I used to stay with daddy a few nights every other week But he got confused and thought I was his girlfriend and we were going to have "relations". Because of things that dad did to us kids ( I won't go into that) I was no longer comfortable staying the night. So him living with me or my sister that's out of the question. Plus he's walking at night comes in to play.
I love my dad even though he tore my family apart. I've forgiven him and can't stand by and do nothing. We've thought this through so many times and are now.looking at MC facilities to hopefully have him placed by June.

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And here I am .... was told yesterday by my dad's geriatric psych that he needs to be in memory care. Guess we've advanced beyond the assisted living stage. As I have not gone and visited any yet, looks like we have a few really nice ones not far from his home, near doctors, etc. I have an appointment after work Friday to go visit one. However, we all know that he won't go. But the living at home thing isn't working either. The geriatric psych put it this way: "he has no insight into his limitations." That pretty well sums it up.

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I see this rapidly approaching for us too. Sending positive energy your way!

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Vickie’s, a POA gives you the ability to handle you father's finances, write checks, pay bills etc. The facilities want to ensure that there is someone able to access the residents assets to pay for their care. I have access to my Mom's accounts and can pay her bills using her money.

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My sister has been paying dad's bills from his money for years. We also have medical POA which the lawyer said we could use along with a letter from dad's doctor to place him in memory care.
Now we are facing the facilites want a family member to sign that we would be responsible for paying for the facility charges. Which we can't be responsible for.

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Vickier, can't you sign as POA? I have read that federal law stops facilities from making families responsible for the debt. However, they may want to know who will send the payment. Can you get dad to sign, even with any mark as long as it's witnessed? Just thinking.

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They want us to sign as well.

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Do you have both Financial and Medical POA? If you have Financial POA or if your Medical POA states that you can pay for your Dad's medical expenses (using his money only), you can sign the nursing home forms as:
"John Doe/ Vicki Doe Jones, POA" to indict that you have financial control of your Dad's money and that you will use HIS MONEY to pay his bills. You will NOT be personally responsible for paying his nursing home bills with YOUR money.

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The facility is wanting to make sure they really will get paid and it is very very common to have someone else sign as an additional payment source (think of it like a co-signer for a loan). How does the facility know much money Dad has or if the POA will not just put Dad in the facility, pay a couple of months up front then disappear and not send any more money for care and/or spend all Dad's money on themselves? It is very very hard to "evict" an assisted living resident and almost impossible to a evict memory care resident. In fact, in my 20 plus years working in senior care, I have actually never been successful in doing so until the bills were in excess of tens of thousands of dollars and it involved multiple elder Care agencies and tons of poor PR . Every time it was a Child POA who took their parents money and did not use it for their care. If you are in charge of your Dad's money you will know when he is running out of it and can give notice that he has to leave if he can't afford it anymore. The facility has to tell you before they raise prices or levels of care. If you communicate with the facility and are being an ethical, responsibly POA it would be HIGHLY unusual if you were ever in a position to be held personally responsible. The facility is taking a HUGE financial risk admitting a frail elderly person, they have to have some assurance they will get paid.

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First You need to go to probate and request a form to commit him. His walking off is dangerous to him. The form is easy to fill out. Be exact in everything he's done that could be harmful. Be exact in threats he's made to disappear. The judge will review your petition fast, many times within a few hours. If the judge grants this, your dad will be picked up by police and taken to a care facility for his safety. The police are trained to do this and usually very good at it. After this, you should also file for full guardianship. Guardianship is better then a POA. I had to do this with my dad. He too had dementia. It's a tough decision but a wise one. I don't regret doing it at all. I kept him safe and that's what mattered. Good luck with your dad. If you go this route, do not feel guilty over it.

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Are you probate is the correct department? Because in many states, probate has absolutely NOTHING to do with this sort of thing. They don’t have people committed.

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Vickier: You're welcome!

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Vickier; I'm so glad that the pieces are falling into place; you ARE doing the right thing to keep your dad safe and out of harm's way.

One of my aunt's was adamant that my uncle would "NEVER" go to memory care. He began to wander dangerously (on the highway) and tragically, started beating my aunt when she wouldn't give him the key to get out of their condo (you never met a more loving or gentle man).

She was finally convinced to place him. She dropped dead of a heart attack a few weeks later. He lived on in his AL/MC quite happily for another year.

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Oh my...well I know about beatings. My dad used to beat mom and us kids. It's a wonder we have anything to do with him. But I've forgiven him and just want whats best for him.
I'm not looking forward to that day when the actual process has to happen. But looking forward to the day when I see him smile again!

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I went to visit dad today. Took him out to eat and then to Wal-Mart. We had gotten in the car to leave and then he said he had to go to bathroom. So I drove him up to Walmart front door and told him I would wait on him.
30 mins later NO DAD!! I go in to look for him and he's wandering around. I asked him what he was doing and he said he got confused and got lost. So now I know he's gotten way worse. One.top of that mice are back and are already making nests in his.home! Last year we had a time getting rid of them. And his home was over run by them.
I tried to talk to him on the way back to his house about how us trying to take care of him at home wasn't feasible any longer. That I wanted.him to seriously think about how hard it was on us with our own medical issues.It just went over his head.
I was in such much physical pain by the time I was finished there and then had a 2 hr drive! By the time I got home I was in tears. I was just drained. I'm bi-polar
on top of all my medical issues. And stress is one of my triggers that lands me in a psych ward. I spent 2 weeks in one last yr, one of the reasons was dad.
now my sister and BIL have another family fire to put out with my nephew and his family. Now she's not going to be as available to help.out with dad. She's just spread too thin.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but when!
Sorry I just needed to vent..

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I have one more question. I've saved some of dad's voicemail messages he left me. They are all very
disturbing. And if course they send me into panic mode. One time he even threaten to burn his house down because "no one ever came to see him". When in fact we are out there every week and call him every day.

Should I play some for him to hear? Maybe it would get through to him just how serious this is.
I've saved them because I wanted his doctor to hear them.
Thanks Yal so much!

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Vickier, I am not sure that playing the recordings for your dad will do any good. If he is anything like my dad, he will say it is not his voice. But yes I would save them for the doctors to hear.

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Vickier,

So sorry for your pain. Please know that everyone on this forum has also been through a lot.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you!

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Once you decide on a facility, contact them and ask them to help you make a plan to get him there. Explain everything you said on this forum, and they should be able to get it done.

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Thank you. I think we've got it figured out after reading everyone's responses.

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Vickier, I hope that things are proceeding in a good way. Please come back and let us know how you handled this. We truly learn from each other here.

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I certainly will. Thanks

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I have gone back and re-read most of these posts. We are at the point with my 92 year old dad with dementia where something has to be done. He is getting more frail by the day. He still really enjoys the caregivers that come in for 6 hours a day but they are concerned about his safety the rest of the time. Now he won't bathe and won't let anyone help him. He fell yesterday. Luckily a caregiver was there and caught him before he hit the floor. He refuses to wear his safety pendant. He still manages his own meds, but that seems to be going ok for now. He still insists on managing most of his own bills even though I have conservatorship (which he hates). The other day, the mail came and there was a bill to pay. I wrote on the front of the envelope to "pay this bill" so he and the caregiver could pay it during the week. He insisted twice that all he needed to do was put a stamp on the front of the envelope (the one that the bill was mailed in) and it would be ready to go. I explained to him that no, he hadn't written the check yet so it was not ready to mail. Hmm.... that's a first. He's always been so on top of his finances (his checkbook balances to the penny (I couldn't tell you the last time I balanced mine!) Then we had prepared his ballot to mail for a bond measure we have here (we have mail in elections). He insisted that we needed to put a check in the envelope. Again I explained that no, this was his ballot and not a bill. On Saturday, I drove him to this really great assisted living that I found. He would not get out of the car and ended up with him extremely angry so I took him home. He still has enough on the ball, however, that he knows exactly what's going on. I have reached out to the police to see if they could assist with the move when he becomes violent. They said 'no'. I asked the assisted living what they would do if someone comes in and is combative because they don't want to be there. They said they would call the police. Go figure. It has been suggested that I give up my guardianship. Really thinking about this. Dad won't do what I want. Doesn't trust me. Thinks his kids are against him. Maybe there's something to having an outside person manage this. But then again, my siblings would disown me which might not be a bad thing (and no, they don't help with dad. it's all me). I've read too many horror stories about outside guardians, however. His money would be sucked dry and the family would have no say-so in any of his matters. I figure they would sell his house out from under him. I might end up in a worse place than I am now.

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I truly feel for you. Once dad's land is sold he will be placed in memory care facility in NC near by sister and I
It's funny the SC police said they would help us. But they can only take him to the NC border. The NC police said they would not get involved.
So we are just going to have to take a chance and just take him.

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Many years ago no one knew my husband was dying of pancreatic cancer. Not a single doctor could establish exactly what was happening. I decided to take him to a high level teaching hospital in Philadelphia. Well, he refused and said he was NOT going to go. So I told him he had two options I was going to present for his consideration and he could make the choice. I told him (l) it would be a nice, peaceful day where I would take him to the specialist and treat him to lunch; or (2) he could go to the specialist and have a nice lunch with me - with one difference: I told him (bluffing) I had hired two men to 'escort' him in my car when I took him to the specialist and it would cost me a fortune which I didn't have but he could choose. He was flabbergasted and finally agreed to go with just me. You may have to resort to hiring two very strong able-bodied men to escort him when the time comes having made all preparations in advance - but never let him know anything until they appear and each one takes one arm.

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Thank you for your response. We spoke with the facility who said to get him there and they would handle the rest. We honestly don't know anyone we could hire that is "strong and able bodied men."
I finally received the letter staying he needs to be placed in memory care. Now we just have to get his property sold so we can place him.

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How do we physically get my father to a memory care facility? He said if we try and remove him from his home, he will disappear.

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