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Great advice from All things new. I am 86, still driving and enjoying tremendously the freedom that privilege gives me. I drive only in my neighborhood ; just to church, grocery store, doctor, and dentist.I have a 40 year acident free, ticket free record. i no longer drive on nor very near expressways, in the rain, nor at night.i sincerely hope I will realize when I should give up driving and give away my car. If and when that happens, i am planning tohave groceries delivered and to take a cab when necessary.I am also planning to move into assisted living if I become disabled and I do have LTCI.Indeed, when a person can no longer be trusted to safely drive, there should be some agency or agencies, relatives and or friends could call to enforce a driving test. God bless you all.
More agencies to enforce is not a good idea. Imagine that they say they can't drive, then ask, where does it go from there that you can't already do yourself with real love of a family member versus non-love of a stranger doing a job. When we say "loved ones", we say it for the reason that it's the truth and it doesn't include strangers no matter who they work for. It boils down to you and other loved ones making the decision. If it helps you, go ahead and assume ten or a hundred agencies said she can't drive anymore, and then make up your own solution that brings love into the picture. I became my mom's driver, choosing to work from home. We didn't need the help of anybody else, especially a suspicious government agency full of suspicious strangers to figure that out. Act like an adult and step up when you need to. Protect your parents from everybody, including agencies. That's the fact of the matter. Listen, trust has to be earned and no stranger at any agency has the right to be granted trust without first earning it. That principal doesn't get thrown out the window just because it's a nurse, nursing home, hospital, social worker, investigator, agency, department. Realize those are all made up of .... people you don't know and haven't vetted, and believe me, they all make a lot of mistakes. They're not perfect nor is their impression of you or your loved one. Only YOU and those who have KNOWN your loved one know her, nobody else with a clipboard can claim that. No matter how they pose or stand in front of you.
My mother had a hip replaced so she COULD return to driving. Long story short, the hip replacement made her less mobile--much less. Even with PT, she was now 100% reliant on a walker, but still insisted on driving.
Brother took her out to the garage and performed his own variety of the competency test. Said if she could get her walker in the car, get in the car herself, start it up and back out and go around the block, he'd 'pass her'. Otherwise, she had to hand over the keys.
She couldn't even get the back door open to put her walker in.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for her, and she did complain that YB was a 'jailer' and 'extreme' in his judgment--but she can't even see over the dashboard. She was a horrible driver the last couple of years she drove, luckily, she knew it and stayed very close to home.
She has rides anywhere she wants to go--but with COVID, there's no place she is allowed to go.
MIL had a major stroke and that ended her driving. Dh took all her keys. I know she is terrified to drive, so that wasn't an issue for her.
When life gets back to 'normal' we are going to show mother how to use Ubers. That might help scratch the itch for a little independence w/o putting out family members. And may restore a sense of independence for her. Don't know--anything remotely 'techie' scares the bejeebies out of her.
I thought about trying to use Uber for my parents once they could no longer drive, but my dad could just barely use his beloved cell phone to make calls, much less anything else. So remember that's the next level of challenge. Our community has a "senior rides" program that we'd just started to explore for them when COVID hit. See if you can find something like that so the drivers are acculturated to the needs of the elderly. I expect that most Uber drivers might not be as attuned to some of the challenges. I also can't imagine that if my parents had ever been stuck somewhere and for some reason Uber couldn't get there (which happened to me in a remote place once...not that my folks would have been anywhere that remote, most likely), they wouldn't be very able to trouble-shoot the situation. We were lucky that not too long after both my folks gave up driving (one willingly, one NOT EVEN A LITTLE COOPERATIVE), they moved to an assisted living place and the director liked my dad so much that she made arrangements to have a staff member drive him to the gym most mornings, even though that was not technically part of the deal there. But he loved water aerobics and was miserable when he couldn't go. We were lucky to have such a great director at our AL place and my dad went to that class 4-5 days/week until about 2 weeks before he passed. We were very lucky. Good luck to you!
Haircraft, I send you my love and support. The driving issue was by far the most difficult of all with my mom, and was probably the most heartbreaking. It's been 3+ years now, and she did eventually settle in and accept it [not too gracefully]. The finality of it was like a death, for all concerned. Time softened the pain.
Sadly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my sister (who otherwise contributed nothing to mom's daily support and care) pretending to be mom's ally and to say she'd help her try to get her driving privilege reinstated (it was a lie, she never intended to take any such action) with the DMV when I flat refused to, forcing me to take 'the fall' and being the 'bad guy'. So sad that 'this' all too often brings out the worst in some people.
Our eldercare law firm has successfully used GoGoGrandparent for clients whose license we have had to take away. The senior can make calls from their landline or cell phone, and payment of the driving service (Lyft, Uber) is handled by a third party at our firm. We get all notifications as to when they call, when they enter the car, when they are dropped off, etc. It is very easy for the senior to use, and once they get the hang of it, they love it. Much easier than driving.
Impossible to answer your question without further details about your mom. I cannot assume anything, even your right to take her keys. Does she live alone? Participate in social activities? What stage is she considered to be? Are you able to live with her or she with you? What are your options? What do you think your options are? Why do you want to take her keys away? If you can PM me, please do so and I will discuss it with you directly. I'm trained 20 years in successful caregiving memory loss patients and have multiple degrees in Psychology.
Thank you for your comments. My story is ,I live in jersey,my mom is in Florida. My sister,who has some mental issues,lives with her now,but has a house 3 blocks away from mom ,so sometimes during the day she takes the golf cart back to her own house. ( she needs a break) . I call my mom a lot during the day and night,and also have cameras there.My sister gives her breakfast,lunch and dinner and meds and sleeps there every night. They don’t talk much to each other,cause it usually gets into an argument.,and my sister can’t handle it. I plan to move there in moms house eventually in the near future. My husband,who isn’t working now,goes to Florida ,stays at a friends house not far from mom,and does things for her that needs to be done. He stays weeks at a time( great husband!) My sister does not drive,( mom always did everything for her) and now it’s hard that the roles have changed. So for a while now ( more then a year) my sisters son is the punching bag! He takes everything ,( that she looses) and curses a lot ,and hates her grandson for taking things,stapler,ladder,adding machine and now car keys! Mom hasn’t drove for a year now( even though she thinks it was 2 weeks ago). Her grandson picks up the groceries for them,He stays away as much as possible. But a few times he had to borrow her car. My husband has a set of keys and my sister holds on to the other set,even though we tell mom,she has her own set and lost them somewhere in the house,and that her grandson gave them back to her.I tell her all the time,we won’t let her drive cause she has cateracs and needs to go to the eye dr first. She won’t go and get them done so I say then you can’t drive till you do get them done. So that’s somewhat of my story. Any advice I would appreciate.
We had to do this with my Mom. She would call me saying my sister took her keys; and it depended on how she was doing that day. Everyone’s dementia is different. With my Mom she would be real lucid parts of the day. So, it depended on how she would be doing that day as to how I would handle. I hated telling little exaggerations to her, but sometimes it was warranted. She would call my sister multiple times at work, and I wasn’t working so we told her I had her keys (which were given to me). We would tell her that her car wasn’t running right, so we took the keys to give to the car repair people that were going to pick up the car later that day. This seemed to satisfy her. We found that because we told her not to take the car, she may forget, so put keys that looked like hers and she never seemed to challeng it. There is no easy answer. Some times if she was really lucid I would tell her she knows we love her so much and we would never take from her ; and she agreed she wouldn’t want to ever hurt anyone by accident, so she gave us the keys for safe keeping. Regardless of your response, keep it consistent And loving like it was the first time they asked! God bless you.
Haircraft, It's a heartwrenching moment when you realize that your LO should no longer be driving. It's just as heartwrenching for them to lose their freedom! I went thru this with my Aunt. After watching her continue to look for her car keys (she didn't remember that I took them), I finally disconnected the battery cables. So when she "found" her keys, she simply thought the car needed repairs. It's called a "therapeutic fib". I know it's seems underhanded, but it might help you keep the peace. Best wishes!
It is so difficult for people who are used to being independent to no longer be able to drive their car. You mother might be one of those people who don't realize that they have dementia. Don't take what she says personally. She is upset over her loss of independence. Can you take her for a drive now and then? This won't last forever. My mother who used to love traveling eventually got to a point with her dementia that it was even a bother for her to go to doctor appointments or go out to eat.
The family doctor has to sign off on it so just tell every time it was her doctor. Eventually it will become a thing of the forgotten past. One would hope that the family is smart enough to take the car away, or even let the power of attorney sell it. Do not give it to another family member. That would be keeping a source of consternation alive especially if that family member came with it to see her. Another rule of thumb-- if she cannot drive, soon she will not be able to stay at home-- start shopping NOW for an assisted living facility with locking doors--- in the near future you will need a rest from guard duty. AND be so glad to never have to change another diaper or facilitate a shower which becomes more and more dangerous.
None of my mother's docs would do any "signing off" on anything. One wrote a note on a scrap piece of paper just stating it isn't safe for you to drive. THAT was useless. She'd dispute it and then forget it!
You can have her take a certified driving evaluation from a licensed driving instructor. Get some written results about the test and when she asks you can remind her of it. They often take dash cam footage and you could possibly request the footage to show your loved one.
Depends on how much cognitive ability they would have to understand that. The main purpose of the exercise is to shift the blame from you as family members to the state.
My father was not happy when we told him he could no longer drive (even though he had not driven for several months before due to other health issues). Explain to your mom about the way people (blame it on others) are driving and how careless they are and they might cause harm to your mom. Tell them that some rules have changed in the driving world that will now make her have to take a new driving test and that also maybe her car is not up to "current standards" for allowing them to be on the road. Its tough but the little fibs won't hurt her, but might actually save her. wishing you luck
That's actually not so much of a fib. Dad probably would have been fine continuing to drive in a little town where people knew him. But in the city, drivers are careless and dangerous.
I have a dear friend that willingly gave up her car for her 90th birthday.
I could see that she was starting to fail, I think that she was to isolated by her decision. She used to go to lunch and thrift shopping regularly, not to mention the multiple stores for the grocery sales, it's what occupied her time.
I decided that I would give her one day every week to take her wherever she wanted to go. That was 6 weeks ago and she ran me ragged the 1st month. Now that it is a routine for her she has improved tremendously in all aspects of her wellbeing. This week was the 1st time that she didn't have 15 different places to go, thank you Lord! I enjoy being at her service and she has regained a level of independence that was lost when she lost her ability to go. I think this is universal for seniors or anyone that can no longer drive, but I think that you can help her by taking her wherever she wants to go 1 day a week and let her be in control of where you go and how long you stay, it might help. Even if it means you drive 3 miles to save 25 cents on a dozen eggs. Ugh! Giving her control could very well calm her down.
My dear friend, whom I call mama, was sitting in the passenger seat this week and said, "look at me! I am sitting here with not one care in the world while you deal with traffic and getting me where I need to go. Boy, I have the life of Riley!" She is loving that she has a chauffeur, I don't believe that she thought it would be as nice as it is.
One thing that I do, I ask her for directions to where we are going. It makes her feel good to direct me on how to get there. Keeps her brain active and helps keep her oriented to her location.
I know that I could never do this with my mom, so maybe if you can't do it with yours you have a friend that you can trade off and do it for each others mom or dad. That adds another benefit of socializing for the senior. Being patient and reminding yourself that this is for so much more than groceries can get you through the seeming nonsense of how they shop. (We also try a different type of food or a new restaurant every week.)
Providing alternate transportation is the only way to get through this.
We hid the car keys. Never said she couldn't drive. Her license expired. Told her she needed to take the test to get her license reinstated, and gave her the book to study from. When ever she spoke about driving, I explained her license was expired and I would take her to the DMV when she was ready to take the test.
Thank you for asking this question and for all the answers. I, too, am dealing with this issue with my father. He will not accept that he has dementia and wants the keys back every day. Never know if I am getting Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde. It is taking a toll on me...
If possible, remove the car itself. Tell him it got hit and needs repairs. Next time he asks, they're working on it. They're having trouble getting parts because of the virus. Arrgh, parts are made in China, many delays! The fibs are endless...
Dementia lies to them. We (at least I) NEVER used the "D" word around mom. But, say anything about her forgetting? Oh, she's just old, she's entitled to forget sometimes! Short term memory is also shot, so anything you try to explain isn't going to stick around long. My brother tried to have the "talk" with mom, I just stood behind him. She never argued, never said boo, just looked sad. He took the key. He also disabled it on my suggestion, as I was sure she had another key.
Next day, only part of what went down stuck with her - she called ME to demand her key back. I told her I never touched it (truth!) She asked who did. She was SO nasty to me, I just told her "you're so smart, you figure it out" and hungup.
Day 2, nastier call, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, she DID have another key and DID try to drive!
The point in retelling her story briefly again is that he may never accept he has dementia and will be relentless about asking for the keys back unless you can remove it from his sight. Mom did periodically bring it up and ask more meekly why, but eventually she stopped asking.
Father in law had to stop driving when he drove through the front door of a restaurant and the police were called. Based on multiple moving violations within a short period of time, the state suspended his license. He had 3 opportunities to pass the driver's road test to try to regain his license. He failed all three times. We had previously broached the subject with him directly, and asked his primary care MD to address that as well--the primary care MD refused to "get involved." He thought he was fine on the road. Other drivers and the owner of that restaurant disagreed.
Fortunately, he had plenty of friends, family, cabs, and transit options, living in a densely populated city. He could have hired a private chauffeur full time, since he had the money to do so. But he had to go the hard and humiliating way.
Wow! Lucky (hopefully) no one got hurt! When I started noticing various unexplained (of course SHE didn't do it!) dings, ruined tire and rim, etc, it was time to take it away! Same issue with doctors. Most don't want to get involved, so I was on my own! Got YB to help, but despite him doing all the talking and taking of the key, I got all the blame!
My experience was much different. My Mom got lost and was found 100 miles away from her residence. The police called my sister and explained that the officer almost got into a head-on collision with her because she was traveling on the wrong side of the road. She was sent to the hospital immediately. The next day my sister picked her up and took her home. She said she spoke with me about the event and we both agreed that she needs to have her license taken away. She agreed and was fine and was happy that she had two kids that were looking after her. We were surprised (although I was not there at the time). One day later she literally forgot the whole event but is OK with not driving anymore.
Ours was similar. Father was on the way to my house and missed the turn. Would have continued on probably to my sister's house in adjacent state if he hadn't had a stroke. Smart enough to pull into a fast food place where they called the police, who figured out he had a stroke and sent him to the hospital while contacting me.
Many police departments and DMVs can have an assessment for driving fitness. I suppose it would include a written test as well as a behind the wheel test. Maybe tell your loved one that the doctor suggested she take this test. Give her the DMV book to study from. Should be the end of the discussion.
Taarna, Very true! My Aunts friends had told me of a couple different incidents. One found her frantically wondering around the Mall because someone had stolen her car. After driving her thru the parking lot, they found it. The other was from her neighbor. My Aunt left the house with the front door wide open. Not sure where she went. Thankfully she was able to find her way back to the house! Fortunately for me, my Aunt was unable to pass the vision test at the DMV. To this day, she still thinks she has a driver's license! Ugh!!
Just ask yourself what you would say to the family of the person your mother hurt or killed because you couldn’t say no.
I had a pair of neighbors, elderly sisters. One was legally blind but still had a driver’s license! The other one was deaf but could still see. So blind sister drove and deaf sister gave her directions. Still makes my blood run cold thinking about them. Their children finally found out and took the keys and car away.
Imho, "a car is a weapon," said my late mother 15 years prior to parking her auto, never to drive it again. Perhaps you can come up with a similar convo to tell your mother.
"Llamalover47," - I agree with your wise mother saying "a car is a weapon." My primary care doctor used to tell me "driving is a privilege" that people abuse constantly not realizing their "weapon" weighs at least a ton. Now that was an eye opener having it put in those terms!
There was a Leunig cartoon I saw (can't find to show) called something like 'The ages of Man':
Had a baby in a pram, then a little kid on a scooter, bigger kid on a bike, a young adult in a car, then an older adult on a mobility scooter, an elder in a wheelchair.
I thought it was whimsical. My Dad thought it was a sobering reminder of what lay ahead.
Ultimately you can contact the motor vehicle administration for her state. Inform them she has been diagnosed with AD and lacks the skills to drive safely. Ask them to revoke her license to drive. If this will take time ask them to suspend it immediately before she causes serious damage or bodily injury, because she also lacks the judgement to self-regulate. Do this in writing with proof of receipt as well as through any on-line portal available. She will not know you are the one who reported her. She will be required to pass physical, psychological and behavioral testing if she wants to get it back, and it is unlikely that she can even do the paperwork to arrange this.
This is great when it works, but more often than not it doesn't, not if the car is still available. The problem with dementia is what you said yourself: "..she also lacks the judgement to self-regulate." In addition, the short term memory is generally the first to go, so they don't even remember being told. Others have scoffed at it and continued to drive with a revoked license!
Even better, the state we had lived in requires one to "self report." I would guess that at least 90% of people with dementia are NEVER going to understand they have dementia and therefore are never going to report themselves!
I even tried with doctors - nope. One wrote a brief note on scrap paper to mom telling her is wasn't safe for her to drive. That didn't stick around more than a few minutes, if that!
I never did ANYTHING about her license. YB had the "talk" and took the key, then disabled it per my suggestion (I knew she had another key and she DID find it!) Within a week or so, I arranged to get the car out of there and then sold it. She still complained and tried to say she doesn't go far.
I know she would have been one of those who would drive no matter what anyone told her, including the DMV. The car HAD to go.
Well, you've certainly seen that you are not alone! Does she live alone or with you? Is the car still there where she can see it? If she is living alone, we assume you are covering her needs. If she's living with you, she's also covered. The only question that really remains is where is the car? If you haven't removed it from sight, that would be best. Then you just tell her it is getting repaired. Parts on order. Due to the virus, everything's delayed! Don't bother with trying to explain why you have to take the keys or car away. They forget and only remember that they could drive and now can't. If you have POA, sell it and put the money in her account for her care.
Mom's story is detailed in a response to another comment. Basically YB did the talking and took the key. He disabled it on the way out, per my suggestion. I was right, she had another key. She called the next day and demanded her key back that I took. I didn't take it! Then she called the second day, nastier than the first day, and demanded I fix whatever I did to the car. So, she did have another and managed to find it.
After we moved it, she would complain and whine about not having her "wheels" and tried saying "I don't go far." She didn't, as her circle of comfort became smaller and smaller. First she stopped driving at night. Mac Deg impacted that. Then she couldn't remember the way home (couldn't direct my SIL taking her home from a wedding shower.) At this point it was just down the main street from the condo area to grocery at the end of the street. But, she could still have killed herself or someone else!
The saddest part was when she needed to renew her license, the eye doc gave her a letter as she couldn't use the DMV eye test and I facilitated by taking her there. Had YB told me about the accident she had, I would not have done it. Not too long after, she called about another, and wanted the car moved to her preferred repair shop. We went to look at it - she claimed she just "brushed" the pole... GASP! The whole nose of the car was only held on by cables for the lights, the hood was bent, the passenger door was out of whack! I found out about the previous accident from the repair man... He said he had replaced the whole nose of it before! It was about 6k in damage, which her insurance mostly covered. She had wanted to save money, so I talked her into upping the deductible... Again, had I known about the previous accident, that would NOT have been suggested! After that came the dings and unexplained tire/rim damages. White paint stripes on both front fenders from the garage door. Ok, it is time to take this away! Oh, also when OB came for my son's wedding, they were going to use her car. He found the inspection sticker had expired MONTHS before!
So, driving is a privilege, not a right! IF one can't maintain the car properly, then one shouldn't be driving! OB also mentioned issue with the lights - she wouldn't notice since she no longer drove at night. I found there was also a sort-of but not really recall about the lights - I got the dealership to honor it.
One other thing - she never reregistered it after dad passed, so the car and insurance were still in both names! Using the POA I was able to take him off the insurance and when I sold it I provided documentation to the buyer to cover that issue. Never heard anything bad about it, so it must have worked!
Anyway, yes, grumbled, complained, whined about it. The removal of it helped some. Eventually she did forget about it. Hopefully you can remove it from sight if it is still there, and fib your way around where it is!
You did the right thing for her protection and that of walkers, bicycles, etc. We first told Mom that the Dr said that she would need to pass a driving test, before returning the keys, and that we would be glad to take her anywhere she wants to go. We actually wrote it on paper for her, because she would keep forgetting. She was afraid of failing so she let it slide a long time. As long as the car was sitting in her drive, it kept reminding her of it. Then,my husband disconnected the battery, and that bought us more time. Finally, I snuck her copy of the key? Out of her purse, and she thought that she lost it. Told her we had ordered another, from Honda in JApan, that bought us more time.Finally we told her since it had sat for so long, a mechanic was checking it out. once we removed it from her sight, she forgot for long periods of time. Parked it at a relatives house, will sell it soon, put the funds in her account. The meds Mom was on kept her reasonably calm, that really helped. Best of luck to you! A 10 mg slow release melatonin, 3 times per day added to her other meds, worked for keeping her calm, and for sundowning.
My mothers car got taken away from her at age 92. Literally taken from gas station where she was going to have brakes put on, to the junkyard for old cars. Her car was 20 years old and the guys said it was rotting out from underneath that they couldn’t put brakes on it so they couldn’t inspect it either. Didn’t pass inspection. She couldn’t afford to buy another one because she gambled all her money away!!
Thank goodness it worked out the way that it did!!
The brothers wanted to do that, but Dad allowed me to drive him & in his car. I told him I needed a backup driver in case something happened to me and I needed hospitalization/ER visit. I can't imagine doing caregiver in COVID-19 2020. Dad passed 2 1/2 years ago, who knows if he had it back then ? I mean they didn't have a test kit until this year and every Pneumonia or whatever else was probably classified as the flu or whatever other natural cause of death.
I lived with Dad so it was easier for me to drive, he actually preferred to drive him like a chauffeur. He slept all day and when he needed to go anywhere that happened immediately.
My mom was so stubborn about moving to AL. But agreed when the administrator of the AL told her she could park the car ( administrator did not know I was taking the car away) if I had told my mom in advance she would not have moved. I am out of state , and my next to last day in town , the only person I had for back up was the med tech at AL .. bless this gal for mediating. It’s been a rocky year , my mom still is angry for taking the car. She feels trapped because she can’t go anywhere. Before Covid, my mom refused to get up and get dressed in time to take the variant outings they had. So , yes , she could have gone out, but was too stubborn to help herself.... it would have been better if I didn’t side blind her , but I had no other choice.
We don't really know how demented LO are but, in her mind it's her car and more or less... stolen! If anyone "took our keys" and our car was gone, I would threaten the responsible party too. Try deflecting the anger at DMV that says she has to take the written and driving test before issuing a new license in order for her to continue driving. I spent 20 years in geriatric nursing and she's not the only one who thinks it's unfair and cruel. They loose so much...... I took grandpa shopping with me so he could drive the electric cart for as long as he wanted. He rarely lasted 30 minutes until he was satisfied and tired. Change the subject and physically do something to distract them.
10 years ago when my mother was 86 years old she got into a minor fender bender. The cops came and it was her fault. She had to go down and take the road test again. The instructor let me sit in the backseat. She told him every fun fact known to man, recited all the presidents, basically talked her way out of the road test!!!
The driving instructor turned to me and said your mothers mind is better than yours and mind combined!!! I’ll pass her right now. She passed the test WITHOUT EVER DRIVING!!!! Yeah,,she’s a genius.
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Brother took her out to the garage and performed his own variety of the competency test. Said if she could get her walker in the car, get in the car herself, start it up and back out and go around the block, he'd 'pass her'. Otherwise, she had to hand over the keys.
She couldn't even get the back door open to put her walker in.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for her, and she did complain that YB was a 'jailer' and 'extreme' in his judgment--but she can't even see over the dashboard. She was a horrible driver the last couple of years she drove, luckily, she knew it and stayed very close to home.
She has rides anywhere she wants to go--but with COVID, there's no place she is allowed to go.
MIL had a major stroke and that ended her driving. Dh took all her keys. I know she is terrified to drive, so that wasn't an issue for her.
When life gets back to 'normal' we are going to show mother how to use Ubers. That might help scratch the itch for a little independence w/o putting out family members. And may restore a sense of independence for her. Don't know--anything remotely 'techie' scares the bejeebies out of her.
Anybody had luck with elders using Uber?
Sadly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my sister (who otherwise contributed nothing to mom's daily support and care) pretending to be mom's ally and to say she'd help her try to get her driving privilege reinstated (it was a lie, she never intended to take any such action) with the DMV when I flat refused to, forcing me to take 'the fall' and being the 'bad guy'. So sad that 'this' all too often brings out the worst in some people.
There is no easy answer. Some times if she was really lucid I would tell her she knows we love her so much and we would never take from her ; and she agreed she wouldn’t want to ever hurt anyone by accident, so she gave us the keys for safe keeping.
Regardless of your response, keep it consistent And loving like it was the first time they asked! God bless you.
It's a heartwrenching moment when you realize that your LO should no longer be driving.
It's just as heartwrenching for them to lose their freedom!
I went thru this with my Aunt.
After watching her continue to look for her car keys (she didn't remember that I took them), I finally disconnected the battery cables. So when she "found" her keys, she simply thought the car needed repairs.
It's called a "therapeutic fib".
I know it's seems underhanded, but it might help you keep the peace.
Best wishes!
BTW, so far mine hasn't grown a bit... :^)
Depends on how much cognitive ability they would have to understand that. The main purpose of the exercise is to shift the blame from you as family members to the state.
I could see that she was starting to fail, I think that she was to isolated by her decision. She used to go to lunch and thrift shopping regularly, not to mention the multiple stores for the grocery sales, it's what occupied her time.
I decided that I would give her one day every week to take her wherever she wanted to go. That was 6 weeks ago and she ran me ragged the 1st month. Now that it is a routine for her she has improved tremendously in all aspects of her wellbeing. This week was the 1st time that she didn't have 15 different places to go, thank you Lord! I enjoy being at her service and she has regained a level of independence that was lost when she lost her ability to go. I think this is universal for seniors or anyone that can no longer drive, but I think that you can help her by taking her wherever she wants to go 1 day a week and let her be in control of where you go and how long you stay, it might help. Even if it means you drive 3 miles to save 25 cents on a dozen eggs. Ugh! Giving her control could very well calm her down.
My dear friend, whom I call mama, was sitting in the passenger seat this week and said, "look at me! I am sitting here with not one care in the world while you deal with traffic and getting me where I need to go. Boy, I have the life of Riley!" She is loving that she has a chauffeur, I don't believe that she thought it would be as nice as it is.
One thing that I do, I ask her for directions to where we are going. It makes her feel good to direct me on how to get there. Keeps her brain active and helps keep her oriented to her location.
I know that I could never do this with my mom, so maybe if you can't do it with yours you have a friend that you can trade off and do it for each others mom or dad. That adds another benefit of socializing for the senior. Being patient and reminding yourself that this is for so much more than groceries can get you through the seeming nonsense of how they shop. (We also try a different type of food or a new restaurant every week.)
Providing alternate transportation is the only way to get through this.
Dementia lies to them. We (at least I) NEVER used the "D" word around mom. But, say anything about her forgetting? Oh, she's just old, she's entitled to forget sometimes! Short term memory is also shot, so anything you try to explain isn't going to stick around long. My brother tried to have the "talk" with mom, I just stood behind him. She never argued, never said boo, just looked sad. He took the key. He also disabled it on my suggestion, as I was sure she had another key.
Next day, only part of what went down stuck with her - she called ME to demand her key back. I told her I never touched it (truth!) She asked who did. She was SO nasty to me, I just told her "you're so smart, you figure it out" and hungup.
Day 2, nastier call, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, she DID have another key and DID try to drive!
The point in retelling her story briefly again is that he may never accept he has dementia and will be relentless about asking for the keys back unless you can remove it from his sight. Mom did periodically bring it up and ask more meekly why, but eventually she stopped asking.
Fortunately, he had plenty of friends, family, cabs, and transit options, living in a densely populated city. He could have hired a private chauffeur full time, since he had the money to do so. But he had to go the hard and humiliating way.
Very true!
My Aunts friends had told me of a couple different incidents.
One found her frantically wondering around the Mall because someone had stolen her car. After driving her thru the parking lot, they found it.
The other was from her neighbor.
My Aunt left the house with the front door wide open. Not sure where she went. Thankfully she was able to find her way back to the house!
Fortunately for me, my Aunt was unable to pass the vision test at the DMV.
To this day, she still thinks she has a driver's license! Ugh!!
I had a pair of neighbors, elderly sisters. One was legally blind but still had a driver’s license! The other one was deaf but could still see. So blind sister drove and deaf sister gave her directions. Still makes my blood run cold thinking about them. Their children finally found out and took the keys and car away.
My primary care doctor used to tell me "driving is a privilege" that people abuse constantly not realizing their "weapon" weighs at least a ton. Now that was an eye opener having it put in those terms!
Had a baby in a pram, then a little kid on a scooter, bigger kid on a bike, a young adult in a car, then an older adult on a mobility scooter, an elder in a wheelchair.
I thought it was whimsical. My Dad thought it was a sobering reminder of what lay ahead.
https://youtu.be/d7ZEX_mvbLM
Even better, the state we had lived in requires one to "self report." I would guess that at least 90% of people with dementia are NEVER going to understand they have dementia and therefore are never going to report themselves!
I even tried with doctors - nope. One wrote a brief note on scrap paper to mom telling her is wasn't safe for her to drive. That didn't stick around more than a few minutes, if that!
I never did ANYTHING about her license. YB had the "talk" and took the key, then disabled it per my suggestion (I knew she had another key and she DID find it!) Within a week or so, I arranged to get the car out of there and then sold it. She still complained and tried to say she doesn't go far.
I know she would have been one of those who would drive no matter what anyone told her, including the DMV. The car HAD to go.
Mom's story is detailed in a response to another comment. Basically YB did the talking and took the key. He disabled it on the way out, per my suggestion. I was right, she had another key. She called the next day and demanded her key back that I took. I didn't take it! Then she called the second day, nastier than the first day, and demanded I fix whatever I did to the car. So, she did have another and managed to find it.
After we moved it, she would complain and whine about not having her "wheels" and tried saying "I don't go far." She didn't, as her circle of comfort became smaller and smaller. First she stopped driving at night. Mac Deg impacted that. Then she couldn't remember the way home (couldn't direct my SIL taking her home from a wedding shower.) At this point it was just down the main street from the condo area to grocery at the end of the street. But, she could still have killed herself or someone else!
The saddest part was when she needed to renew her license, the eye doc gave her a letter as she couldn't use the DMV eye test and I facilitated by taking her there. Had YB told me about the accident she had, I would not have done it. Not too long after, she called about another, and wanted the car moved to her preferred repair shop. We went to look at it - she claimed she just "brushed" the pole... GASP! The whole nose of the car was only held on by cables for the lights, the hood was bent, the passenger door was out of whack! I found out about the previous accident from the repair man... He said he had replaced the whole nose of it before! It was about 6k in damage, which her insurance mostly covered. She had wanted to save money, so I talked her into upping the deductible... Again, had I known about the previous accident, that would NOT have been suggested! After that came the dings and unexplained tire/rim damages. White paint stripes on both front fenders from the garage door. Ok, it is time to take this away! Oh, also when OB came for my son's wedding, they were going to use her car. He found the inspection sticker had expired MONTHS before!
So, driving is a privilege, not a right! IF one can't maintain the car properly, then one shouldn't be driving! OB also mentioned issue with the lights - she wouldn't notice since she no longer drove at night. I found there was also a sort-of but not really recall about the lights - I got the dealership to honor it.
One other thing - she never reregistered it after dad passed, so the car and insurance were still in both names! Using the POA I was able to take him off the insurance and when I sold it I provided documentation to the buyer to cover that issue. Never heard anything bad about it, so it must have worked!
Anyway, yes, grumbled, complained, whined about it. The removal of it helped some. Eventually she did forget about it. Hopefully you can remove it from sight if it is still there, and fib your way around where it is!
it. Then,my husband disconnected the battery, and that bought us more time.
Finally, I snuck her copy of the key? Out of her purse, and she thought that she lost it. Told her we had ordered another, from Honda in JApan, that bought us more time.Finally we told her since it had sat for so long, a mechanic was checking it out.
once we removed it from her sight, she forgot for long periods of time. Parked it at a relatives house, will sell it soon, put the funds in her account. The meds Mom was on kept her reasonably calm, that really helped. Best of luck to you! A 10 mg slow release melatonin, 3 times per day added to her other meds, worked for keeping her calm, and for sundowning.
Thank goodness it worked out the way that it did!!
I lived with Dad so it was easier for me to drive, he actually preferred to drive him like a chauffeur. He slept all day and when he needed to go anywhere that happened immediately.
The driving instructor turned to me and said your mothers mind is better than yours and mind combined!!! I’ll pass her right now. She passed the test WITHOUT EVER DRIVING!!!! Yeah,,she’s a genius.