How do others handle being ignored by adult Grandchildren?

I’m adding this to my post below! After I had my first baby and was not working outside the home, I enjoyed a weekday morning telephone call with my grandmother. After the baby was fed and my husband left for work, I would call her. She would say, “Let me get my coffee...” and we would have a morning chat.

I’m so sorry you are going through a very difficult time in your life. You are under a lot of stress and uncertainty each day. Your plate is full and you deserve support. I don’t have any answers. I have a 23 year old and I don’t think guilting anyone into desired behaviors is healthy. We read a lot about unhealthy and mislabeled guilt on this forum. I think it’s important to realize the grandchildren probably do not realize all you have done for them. I guarantee you those things are not at the forefronts of their minds. I know that is not what you want to hear. However, do you think you might have attached strings during their childhoods and didn’t realize this? I think not making a young adult dread calling you is key. Make the conversation about them. Do not even mention your difficult situation with your husband’s illness. Fake being upbeat and joyful. I know parents and grandparents that do this... and have been able to re-establish family relationships. Later, you can mention your struggles. A 26 year old is in a busy and uncertain stage of life. I would accept this and respect that the world is much more difficult to navigate than when we were 26.

Can u ask your daughter to talk to her child ( your granddaughter)? My son calls my Mother ( his grandma) when I remind him to. It's worth it to bug him about it, because it makes her happy. If we set that as an expectation then he does it.

Have you be able to work on your family history? Maybe a small project of looking through old photos and recording memories connected to the photos and sharing them via social media would be a way to connect with your granddaughter. A way to "introduce" yourselves.

I've lowered the bar for what I expect from the younger generation and now don't expect anything from them. If it happens, celebrate it!

All you can do is don't wait for them to call or try to make them feel guilty for not calling.

You make a weekly call to them to say hello and ask what's going on in their lives.

You can try to set up a "phone date" monthly to talk with her. Try to send her a "list of topics" she can talk with Grandpa about. She has to be willing to connect and sadly many of her generation won't.

I can identify with that story. We've done so much with helping grandkids while they were growing up. They stay in touch occasionally via text, but not the same with personal phone calls to hear voices. We feel that we've been on the back burner and forgotten about. Unfortunately, my husband is now in a memory care facility and can he can hardly remember how to call on his flip phone, but no one bothers to call him. And that's just not with the grandchildren, but immediate family members too! His memory is fading, but he remembers family and it's sad that he can't enjoy them while he can. I've tried to encourage them to call him, but when I've checked his phone, there are no missed calls or messages. I hate to see him fade away being sad and lonely without hearing his loved ones voices. What's with people these days?

Realize how difficult these COVID times are for the young. They're supposed to be spreading their wings, establishing their careers, seeing their hard work at college pay off. Not leaving upstairs or working from home in their one-bedroom apartment. When my oldest took every precaution imaginable to fly to NY from CO for Christmas after not seeing us from more than a year, I refused to let her go see my mom...I lost my dad to COVID in September and didn't want to take that risk. (Ironicially, it's my second daughter, who's living upstairs, who's been repeatedly exposed to COVID at work. Of course, I don't let her visit when I go every Sunday to help with their care either.) Not the times any of us ever wanted.

I lost my father to dementia 18 months ago. He had disturbing and violent delusions. I am still traumatized. Now, my mother, moved to a lovely retirement community has also been diagnosed with dementia. I live in another state, have been unable to visit due to COVID and worry about her well-being constantly.

I understand completely how all consuming it is caring for someone with dementia. What are you doing for yourself? If you haven’t already, I suggest finding a dementia support group. I joined one here in Arizona where we have an excellent Alzheimer’s research center and it was tremendous help. I convinced my mother to join one and she also found solace there,

You will find support and guidance and a place to blow off frustrations. Most are online now so you don’t even to leave the house, though I suggest you do, even if only to go to the grocery store alone.

Reach out to your granddaughter when you are are feeling better. She is likely to find it very upsetting the her grandfather doesn’t know who she is. I know the shock I felt when my father asked me my name and where I was from. It’s not a conversation anyone looks forward to.

You will develop great compassion for others in a support group, and in turn, compassion for yourself. We all struggle with angry feelings as this terrible disease takes our loved ones away. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. We understand. Don’t let your resentment push others away.

Ironically you’ve ignored something yourself, many here wanted to know if you have made a genuine effort in having a relationship with her, have you called her to ask how she’s doing and show interest and concern for her and her life? Written her cards, letters? Sent birthday, graduation cards? I apologize in advance if you did reply but in the long thread I saw many people ask how you have treated her and you avoided answering

Call that granddaughter soon, like today, and tell her you are sorry for guilt-tripping her, and that you just want her to call you and your husband now and then. Hopefully, she will be understanding as to your need to hear from her. I have not only grandchildren, but great-grandchildren to keep up with. Honestly, I WORK to try and make sure they will remember me fondly when I am gone by sending birthday cards and presents, calling and texting them, and having family gatherings. I also do FaceTime with them. I do not get that much attention in return from them, but I don't care. I remember how busy I was when I was in their stages of life that sending a card or making a call was one more overwhelming thing to do. I just want them to remember me and that grandma is always, always here if they need help.

Has this always been how you interact with your granddaughter?
do you ever call or text her just to ask how SHE is doing? My hunch is probably not, it may have something to do with why she didn’t text him out of being uncomfortable with you, if your usually this hostile and indifferent to her life, feelings, what’s going on in her life.

Hi Marylepete - First of all, I am sorry your husband has Alz. My mother does, too. I know how difficult it is to take care of someone who has Alz.

I have a close friend who is 82 y.o. She lives alone. Her son and grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren live in other states. This is how she keeps in touch with them.

My friend learned how to text and send pictures. She regularly texts her son and adult grandchildren just to share a joke, ask how they are, or tell them some interesting thing her cats did, or things going with her. She is interested in their lives and what they do, and she asks them. Today, she sends me some texts wishing me a happy Valentines Day. I bet she did the same for her son/DIL, and her grandchildren. In return, her son/DIL/grand kids call and text her regularly, send pictures of great grandkids doing funny things. They have a good relationship.

I have 2 teenage daughters. Weekly, I tell them to send a text to their grandmother, my husband's mom, just to say hi and share something interesting they did last week. I am hoping they will keep it up and make it a habit to stay in touch with their grandma as they grow older.

About your husband's birthday, do you know if your 26 y.o granddaughter knows when her grandpa's bday is? My daughters don't know their grandparents' bdays. I, myself, don't know my grandparents' bdays. I am not sure many people know or remember their grandparents' bdays. Do you remember your grandparents' bdays?

About your text to your granddaughter, I think it is a harsh and guilt-tripping. Perhaps, she has many things going on in her life right now. If she is dealing with her own problems, receiving such a text from you certainly will not make her want to reply. She probably thinks to herself: "I have enough problems to deal with, and now this?"

I recommend you text her back and tell her you take back your earlier text, and that you didn't mean to be harsh. Tell her you miss her and ask how she is doing. If she's a nice decent person, she will return the gesture.

Good luck.

What's missing here, to have a better perspective, is what kind of relationship you had with her when she was growing up. Did she visit you and you visit her? Did you maintain contact, by phone, mail or other means? Sure, there can be some expectation of respect and that they should feel inclined to do the reaching out, whether there was a strong bond before or not. But, if there was little or no relationship during those early years, sadly you wouldn't factor into her life as much. As we grow and mature, we weave in and out of many relationships. Those that resonate with us are more likely to be maintained and nurtured. Those that don't will fade into the background.

Relationships, like the phone calls, are two-way. The best ones have shared experiences and ideas. Those that are not so good are the me me me one-sided ones. This isn't to say that you didn't have a good relationship before, but as others noted, your text was more of a me one-sided text. Perhaps she doesn't know how to respond. Perhaps she is very busy (a quick text back wouldn't hurt though.) Perhaps she felt hurt by what you said.

For my kids, the grandparents were very different. My former MIL was rather domineering and demanding. When the kids were older, doing their own things, she was angry that they didn't spend more time with her. She threatened to write them out of her will! That's not the way to nurture a relationship! My mother would've loved to see more of the kids, but again, they are young adults, spreading their wings and hanging with friends. When I would arrange something, they would come along. My mother didn't wallow in self-pity because they didn't call or come to visit other tines. If they did, she would be happy about it. If not, she had a life of her own and did her "thing."

None of what's been said by me or others takes anything away from the difficult time you've had and continue to have, caring first for your mother and now for your husband. I'm sure this has made you incredibly lonely, as it ties up so much time caring for someone with dementia. Care-givers tend to lose touch with others, partly because there just doesn't seem to be time and partly because others might be uncomfortable with the situation. While it's nice to have family call and check in, understand not everyone can handle dementia or how it changes a person they knew before. My OB isn't local. The last time he was here (almost 3 yrs ago) to help clearing out the condo, we made one visit together and I sent him there for another alone. He REFUSED to go back again after that, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." She was SO ecstatic to see him when we showed up that first time. Sure, she repeats a lot, she's hard of hearing, she's living life about 40 years ago. Sure, it's not easy, but he only had to BE there and wing it. She adored him and it stinks that he, her first born son, couldn't muster up enough care to spend 10-30 minutes with her a few times. That was almost 3 years ago. No phone due to the hearing issue, so this was his last chance to be with her, esp while she was still coherent.

Whatever your relationship was before, I suggest getting a nice granddaughter card, and include a nice handwritten note in it.

Make a fresh start. Apologize for seeming to be abrupt and/or pitiful. Explain you were just having a tough day and didn't think before sending the text. Nothing else about you or what is going on in your life.

The rest of your note should be all about her. Ask how she is doing. Ask about her job, her friends, boyfriends, her life in general. Tell her how much you both care about her and how much you miss her. Tell her you hope that she is doing well and enjoying life. Ask if there's anything she needs help with. You could also ask her to stay in touch, maybe give a quick call when she has a minute, so that you can hear her sweet voice.

Final thought - see response to this comment

I'm with you here. Granddaughter is out of line not contacting her grandfather. That's the way the youngsters are now a days. If you are not cute, wealthy, and with it you are put on the back burner.

Problem is I don’t think “Millenials” even know how to have a conversation on the phone ☎️!!! They’re busy texting & emailing. What’s a conversation? If they come in person, all they do is look down at their phones.
You call them...see if they know how to talk. Hugs 🤗

Well...I read and heard your disappointment not hearing from your granddaughter on your husband's bday. Just come out and say that you miss her and would like to hear from her more. Take responsibility for your disappointment. A text like one you sent would not get a response from my child or from me. My child is just a little younger than your granddaughter and he lives in his young adult world. I am very proud of him. I am sure that his grandparents would like to hear from him but I can't make him. (I would like to hear from him more!) He is an adult and he choses his life. My parents were not very nice to him when he was growing up. He doesn't want much to do with them. I don't have the desire to fix the relationship and have just let things lie.

I guess I’m definitely in minority but I sympathize with you. Tho I don’t think you should have sent that aggressive text . Grandchildren should be taught to show concern and respect to grandparents whether they feel close to them or not. Of course we don’t feel same towards everyone ... liking and relating to some more .and we all have favorites, but that doesn’t excuse your grandchildren from compassion and respect. Too many of us parents and grandparents are tiptoeing spoiling kids afraid of upsetting them. You’re not doing them any favours.. these kids grow up self absorbed and selfish . A 27 year old should have been raised and know better ... whether she ever
made pies with you or not!!!
you have good reason to be disappointed!!!! And where are her parents .

Were you close in the past? When she was small did you call her, send her cards and maybe pkgs if she didn't live close?

My girls had 2 grandmoms. My Mom lived in the same town so of course they were close. The other moved to Fla a 1000 miles away. My girls saw her maybe every two years. Once they were old enough to stay home alone, they wouldn't travel that far. When MIL visited, she was put out because the girls didn't make over her. They didn't know her. Maybe because she just sent Bday and Christmas cards with a check in it. Never a call, never a package surprise.

Adults have to keep a relationship going when grands are small. I have two grandnieces, 2 and 4. One 8 hrs away the other 12 hrs. I send cards and little pkgs to them so they know who am.

Like many people your granddaughter has her life. Maybe a job, husband kids. In some instances they don't keep in touch with their parents. Is this OK, in my opinion no we are losing that "family" thing. But seems that is not the way the world is now. People go away to college. Move out of state.

I see no problem in texting. I love it because if the person doesn't have time to talk, they text back when they do. You could have just started by saying "thinking about you, how are things going". This could have started a conversation that you could have said "granddad would love a phone call when u have time. Doesn't have to be long just a Hi."

Marylepete, reading your profile makes me feel very sad for what you went through with your mother and now are going through with your husband. I can only imagine the loneliness and isolation of your position, on top of all the caregiving that’s difficult enough.

I hope you’ll try reaching out to your granddaughter again and let us know how it turns out. I know I can be a bit of an accidental guilt-tripper myself so I am cheering you on! 😊

My two bits are along the lines of everyone else.

My kids are 22, 24, 35, between them due to remarriages, they had 5 grandmothers. One lived in the UK and they only met her a few times in their lives. She past away last last year.

One always made my 24 year old son's favourite dessert and my dd's special hot cocoa every time they visited. Due to age and infirmity we have not seen her in 6 years. She lives overseas and used to spend 1/2 the year here. My son has learnt to make Pavlova just like Granny Paddy and my DD cherishes her hot cocoa mug.

One took them to be beach everyday in the summer, but had few toys in her house. She is far to busy to wait for a phone call. But my brother's kids are much younger and live 5 hours away, she does not have an relationship with them due to the distance. I keep encouraging her to call them, but she would rather do something with them.

One was fantastic with the kids, but due to infirmity and living in the US, the kids rarely saw her, she passed last October.

The last one was fantastic with the kids when they were little, but soon became the person who complained endlessly. She would whine that nobody called her, but would never pick up the phone. She was jealous of all the other grandmothers and showed it. It was not an attractive trait.

My middle son was avoiding contact with his fun granny, because he was worried grumpy granny woudl find out and complain. It was a vicious circle. Now that grumpy granny is in a nursing home, he no longer has to worry about that.

Mary,

Did you ever consider that your granddaughter may ask her mom about you and your husband?

Of course you would prefer to have her ask you directly. She may be struggling with her own emotions. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care.

At her age she may not even understand exactly what ALZ is.

Maybe she is sensitive and it hurts her deeply.

Let me give you an example. My neighbor next door has three kids. The oldest daughter was always very sensitive.

When her grandfather was dying, her mom asked her if she would like to see him in the hospital. She was a teenager. She loved her grandfather a great deal.

Do you know what she told her mom? She said, “No, mom. I don’t want to see grandpa dying.

I want to remember him as the grandfather who was smiling and happy.”

Her mom did not make her go see her grandpa.

The other kids wanted to go and they did.

So please don’t judge her. You don’t know how she really feels.

I'd be interested to hear what *you* think your granddaughter will have thought and felt on receiving your text. Did you consider that before you sent it?

My kids vary as to how well they stay in touch with my mother. She can't talk on the phone any longer, can't see to do FaceTime, and none of them live in the same state as she does, so...out of sight, out of mind.

One of the things I tell myself is that I've lived a lot longer than my kids, and I have a lot more experience with my mother's dementia than they do. I keep them updated on her condition, but they know about 5% of what her day-to-day life is like. I don't expect them to know what dementia is like, or what bedsores or a septic leg wound are. I'm sure they think she's probably doing OK when I don't give them an update. On the other hand, they all rejoiced this morning when I texted them a photo of their grandmother eating her first real meal since mid-December.

I also remember being 27 and it never occurring to me to call my grandmother. She wasn't a "huggy" grandmother -- she was a crank old bat who earned her cranky status after a very difficult life. However, I only saw her at Christmas and Thanksgiving, because we didn't have a grandmother/grandchild-type of relationship. She was my dad's mother, and she was "difficult."

Nonetheless, I have regrets about not trying harder to connect with her. I am now very active in genealogy work, and my grandmother's side of the family has a lot of mysteries I can't solve, including a father who abandoned her and her siblings and changed his name to evade the law. (Her brother did the same.) I found her will in which she requested an autopsy if she didn't die of extreme old age, because she had enemies and was sure she'd be bumped off. (She was a licensed private detective, too.) How I wish I'd gotten some of that information from her own mouth!

Being passive-aggressive to your granddaughter is not useful. Seek out ways to connect with her. I suggest family history as an excellent way to link your life with hers. She is not going to be a good person to jolly along your husband in his journey through Alzheimer's, but she can be there as a cherished family member who shares your family history. Invite her to be by your side as family, and don't guilt her as a finger-wagging granny admonishing a child.

I understand your frustration and your difficulties with your husband. That's because I have also walked that road. Your granddaughter has not, so don't give her such a hard time. Be positive and welcoming, show interest in HER life and activities, too, and that's how you'll make better connections.

One amazing thing about the telephone, it works both ways! You can receive calls AND you can dial a phone number to speak to others. That’s wonderful, right?

I am not trying to hurt or belittle you. I promise you, I am not. Facetious, maybe but only to prove a point.

Call your granddaughter. My grandparents looked forward to my calls and visits. I looked forward to hearing from them.

I was close to them growing up. I adored them. After I grew up, I remained close. My brothers did not.

Grandma was grateful for my love and was hurt that my brothers didn’t stay close but she never said a word to them. I am a lot like my grandma. If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, I don’t want it.

After grandpa died I stayed especially close to grandma. She missed him terribly. So did I.

I called her often. She called me. I visited her and had her over for dinner often.

Why don’t you buy pretty little cards? You can get them very inexpensively at the dollar stores. Send a few warm notes. Open a friendly dialogue. It’s worth a try!

Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she’s experiencing frustration of her own.

Maybe she’s simply a private person.

We don’t know her so therefore we really can’t say.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

I am so sorry that your husband feels left out and he does deserve attention. It’s obvious that you love him. Don’t underestimate how much your love means to him.

Take care.

I was beyond blessed with TWO grandmothers with whom I had wonderful relationships.

One was a cuddly, snuggly 'warm' grandma who always had coookies and ice cream and had us over for sleepovers and games until we were in our teens! She babysat MY kids and I never thought about it but she was in her 80's at the time!

My other grandma was ALWAYS up for an adventure. She'd take the 'fun bus' out to Wendover to gamble clear into her 90's. (We live in Utah-no gambling!) Drove my mother nuts. She was up for anything at any time!

She had a pool at her condo and my kids loved going to swim and then have a BBQ. She loved them and they KNEW it.

They both remembered birthdays and we remembered theirs. I'd call or visit every week. Did I call my mom and visit her? Nope. Did she call me? Nope, never. (still doesn't)

Who do my kids have the fondest memories of? Their GG's, not their grandmothers. In fact, neither of the grandmothers have ever even SEEN the last 2 great grand kids. They simply don't care.

And yes, they'll try to run the 'guilt' things past us, but my kids are all grown up and have no memories of their grandmas and see no need to reach out now. My mom sees me once in blue moon and spends the entire time asking about all the other family members. My family and I are yesterday's news.

You really get back what you put out. When I have grandkids over and their parents come to get them and the kids are telling their folks to 'go away and come back later' I know I've done something right.

I have to agree that yours was an unproductive approach. I would try calling or texting her and asking her about her life and how things are going for her. Then, if she asks about your life, you can have a healthy catch-up chat. If this granddaughter doesn't have any kids of her own yet, she will be very unable to really sympathize/empathize with your situation. Also, if she hasn't lived near you in a while (or ever) the relationship hasn't been cultivated enough. The only behavior you can control is your own, so maybe set an example by showing interest in her life. Up until recently my son and my 10 yr old grandson lived with us. My grandboy doesn't have a mobile phone and they don't have a land line, otherwise I'd be calling to chat with him frequently (I miss this part so much). I have 2 other adult sons and I often will just text them something brief, like "Thinking of you!" and "How's it going?" and maybe some funny meme or family news. I understand your disappointment in her level of interest. If even with more attention towards her she still seems distant and disconnected, please adjust your expectations and give more of your attention to others who are more responsive and supportive. That's all you can really do. I wish you peace in your heart!

I’m sorry for your pain in this. It won’t help to attempt to make granddaughter feel badly about her lack of effort. Reach out to her however often you’d like, taking an interest in what’s going on in her life. It may sting that she’s uninterested in yours, but staying in touch is better than not trying. She may not know what to say or how to act with Alzheimer’s. Our adult son who lives with us has a brain injury, his personality and quirks can be frustrating to navigate. For the most part our family and friends for a long time now have included or asked about him very little. It hurts, but we’ve had to accept that people often don’t know what to say so they avoid saying anything at all. If we got rude about it, we’d have less family and friends so we offer them understanding and compassion. I really am sorry for what you’re experiencing and the hurt and isolation it brings, I hope you will find acceptance and peace

There is normally a reason WHY grandchildren don't call or visit the grandparents as often as the grandparents think they 'should'. Have you asked yourself why that might be?

I used to hound my children to call their grandmother all the time, until I realized it was affecting MY relationship with THEM! Now I don't ask them anymore; they call when & if THEY want to. I should mention that my mother is a woman who's full of self pity and complaints 24/7, a woman I myself dread calling & visiting, so why my children would look forward to it is beyond me. More of an 'obligation' than anything, in reality, let's face it. Plus, now that she has moderately advanced dementia, it doesn't really matter if they call or visit b/c she won't remember anyway, then complain they 'never call or visit'........same old story.

Aren't I asking them to call & visit her more for MY sake than for HER sake? Sometimes I wonder, truthfully. While I'd like to keep my mother happy, nothing really DOES keep her happy anyway, so what's the point?

On the other hand, my children used to LOVE to call & visit with their grandfather and did so frequently, of their own choice. Nobody had to hound or pester them to do so. If, of course, their grandmother was around to micro-manage things, they weren't prone to stay as long.

The moral of the story is this: you can't force a person to WANT to do anything. They themselves have to want to.

You ought to think about sending loving texts to your granddaughter instead of guilt-laden ones. As a result, she may WANT to respond.