Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
You really should contact her doctor and explain that you can not help her in her rehabilitation and she needs professional help. It might be possible to get her into a rehab facility. If not you could request that the doctor order home PT.
Mom needs to rehab properly or you will be in a more difficult spot.
If you really can not handle her safely then a permanent placement might be necessary. Either Assisted Living or if she has any form of dementia a Memory Care placement would be appropriate.
You can pay I should say Mom can pay for full time caregivers. They do not need to be CNA's or specially trained as long as they can safely care for your mom that is all that is necessary.
Actually 4 to 5 times a day is a bit on the low side. She should be moved or repositioned every 2 hours and her brief (I do not like the term diaper) should be checked at that time. What are you doing about showering? Are you doing that or is the HHA doing that 1 time a week? Minimum a shower should be done 2 times a week. Showering is a good time to check the full body for pressure sores.
From your description I think your mom would be much better off in a facility with people that have been trained to care for her. Then you do not have to worry about brief changes, bodily functions, all you have to be is her daughter and her advocate.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

[I've deleted quite a lot because newcomers to caregiving don't want or deserve harsh home truths. Warning - this will still sound harsh, but I can't help it].

You're worried that she's going to be upset...

Aren't you worried that her health will suffer because you don't know how to motivate her (you not being a trained physical therapist, and all that)? Aren't you worried that her primary caregiver (you) can't keep her clean without gagging? Aren't you worried that she is being looked after by someone (you again) whose response to seeing bleeding haemorrhoids is to be revolted?

Worry less about her being upset and more about your being manifestly unfit for purpose.

Go back to whoever handled the hospital discharge and find out how you retrace your steps. If you can't, there is no way to, then find out what you have to do to get your mother into short-term rehabilitation. Get It Done.
Helpful Answer (24)
Report
anonymous1026199 Feb 2020
Country,
Well said. My motto is "I care about you enough for you to hate me right now or forever, if it means I have your best interest in mind and what I'm advising you to do can only help you". I refuse to enable those closest to me to continually self-sabotage on top of hurting others and taking advantage of them, unless I've had to (and yes, I've been put in situations where I just had to walk away for my own safety... literally). Otherwise, I'm not afraid to challenge, encourage, coach, cheer on, or speak honestly but with compassion, and ultimately, do what needs to be done in order to help someone get better.
(12)
Report
See 2 more replies
I think Medicare allows time between a hospital stay and going into rehab. Call the hospital and talk to the discharge person or Social Worker and tell them Mom is not doing what she promised to do. How do u get in in rehab. If this doesn't happen, then ask her PCP to order in home therapy. You will get an aide. Get as much time as you can. They will bathe Mom.

If Mom has no money, tell admitting this. Medicare only pays 100% for 20 days. 21 to 100 50%. Suppliment may pick up the difference if not, may cost Mom $150 or more a day. If so, she will need Medicaid to pay the balance. Let them keep her as long as they want. Maybe have her evaluated for LTC while in rehab. If she qualifies, start the application for Medicaid to pay for her care. Be aware, that her SS and any pension will also need to be used for her care. Where I live rehab/LTC are in the same building so transition from rehab to LTC is easy if a bed is available.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Yuck. This is not a nice situation at all. I'm sorry that your mom convinced you to take her home with you. Obviously, there's much too much to be done by one person to care for one who refuses to be at all cooperative.

I agree with a few prior posts - give her an ultimatum - cooperate or you're OUT.

Or just put her in rehab, where she belongs and if/when she gets it together and can be more independent, MAYBE take her in. But ONLY if you REALLLLLY want to and her diaper issue is resolved.

Changing adult diapers is a line I am NOT willing to cross. When that, please no, happens to my mom, that's it. I'll be finding a placement for her ASAP. It's too gross, too hard, etc etc. I don't have the stomach for it.

You do NOT have to do anything you do not want to do. Some may call it selfish but I call it self preservation!!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

MidKid, you probably won't have an easy time hiring someone to come in a few times a day just to change her underpants and clean her up because this is low-pay part-time work and prevents paid caregivers from developing a client schedule that gives them enough hours to live on. I learned this from hiring an agency for my LOs. Better to hire someone for consistent hours for at least a few hours per day IF your mom has the financial means. If she doesn't you can call the county to get her assessed for in-home services. This is a temp situation until she can be moved to a permanent place. You will wreck your back trying to move her around. As Barb below suggested have her go to rehab and then have her go from there directly into a facility. If you do not have PoA for her you can have the county get guardianship for her and they will take care of her and then you both win. It's all hard but there are solutions, so hang in there -- let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

Get your mother into rehab and tell her the reward for being able to walk out is an AL apartment. Return to your work and continue your life while being your mother's advocate, not her direct care giver.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

I'm going to be asking you a lot of questions...

1. Why was it YOU that gave in to her pleading? Do you have her POA/HCPOA? Or does your mother assume that YOU as the only daughter should be the one to be her caregiver?

2. Do you realize what could happen if you don't put your foot down and get her out of your house now? You will spend years at this. You will wreck your own financial future.

3. You're afraid to hire someone just to change her diapers because you're afraid it will UPSET her?!?!?!

You need to change the course of this train right now as it's leaving the station, before it becomes a runaway train. You need to get her out of your house NOW. And when she's done with rehab, don't take her in then, no matter what kind of pleading she does. She needs to go to rehab, and then possibly to a NH if she still needs that much assistance.

4. Why don't your brothers help? What is her attitude towards them? Towards you? Are they the golden children? Why did you accept her into your home? Why didn't they?

You are way too young (your mother is only 71) to give up on your own life the way you have. But the good news is that you now know it will NEVER work out to have her live with you. I had a similar realization when I moved in to take care of my mother after an illness. After just over a week, I was able to leave. That experience taught me that I would never do it again.

PLEASE don't wreck your mental and physical health and your financial future to give in to the unreasonable demands of this woman.

5. What are her finances? Can she afford a facility? If not, would she qualify for Medicaid? (PLEASE don't tell us that she's been giving large gifts of money to people!)

Tell us more, and keep us updated. We are concerned for YOU. YOU matter, more than your mother's "wants." (And make no mistake, they are her "wants.")
Helpful Answer (21)
Report

Barb SWORE?? And I missed it?????
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
kdcm1011 Mar 2020
I know, me too!
(1)
Report
Oh Lord!!! I MEANT SHOT!!!!!!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Geaton777 Feb 2020
tee hee!
(5)
Report
See 3 more replies
Is it just me, or was anyone else confused with the OPs name?

MidKid vs Midkid58?

AND Barb used a swear word a little more severe than the usual?!?

I feel like I’m in an alternate AC reality...

So confused...
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
BarbBrooklyn Feb 2020
I meant SHOT!!!! Really! Look, I swear in real life, but not here!
(15)
Report
See 4 more replies
Put her in a facility ASAP. She could easily live another 20 years.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Btw, there are definitely agencies who will indeed just come to change her, if you decide to keep her at home.
Best of luck xx
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Absolutely what Barb says! I would also encourage you to segue her to a NH after rehab, especially if she doesn't get a lot better physically, and also because of the dementia. You think you're miserable now - wait till the dementia gets worse! I have a lot of empathy for you, as I find myself unable to do what you are doing, even for a child, without being sick; don't let it get to where you can't stand to get up in the morning.... (hugs)
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
JoAnn29 Feb 2020
The kids didn't bother me but an adult...and she took iron pills which I think were the cause of the overwhelming smell. I don't know how my daughter did LPN/RN in rehab/NH facilities for 20 years. Yes, there were CNAs but if not available, my daughter went ahead and did it.
(4)
Report
My current patient has these same traits. I finally told her either (A) she's going to have to make an effort to help me turn her if she wants to get changed & stay in the comfort of her home being waited on nonstop. Or, (B) She could continue the behaviors & that if she's feels she's too weak, sick, etc for basic stretches and to help with turning, it's best she return to the hospital. I then left it up to her to decide. She chose the first option needless to say, in about two minutes. She still tries me, but the "either/or" approach is factual, clear, efficient and thus, effective every time.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Call the hospital discharge planners and get her to rehab. Now!

She has dementia. Her reasoning abilities are shot. She is no longer a reliable determiner of what is best for her. She needs rehab.

"This is what the doctor says you need mom".

"Mom, I can't do this. My health and my back are getting ruined and I won't be a good advocate for you if I'm sick or dead".
Helpful Answer (28)
Report
dlpandjep Feb 2020
I just love you Barb!  Thanks for the 😊
(8)
Report
See 4 more replies
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter