My father has been living with us for two years. He is 86. My mother was moved to assisted living memory unit In Aug. since then he had spiraled down. Hasn’t been to doctor in 5 years, very paranoid. Thinks his son and my husband are hacking his accounts, stealing and conspiring against him. He use to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped and no intention to start again. Always angry. Will not sign over power of attorney to me or my brother. He always fights with husband. Now he’s been calling cops every week telling them about all his accusations. He refuses to get evaluated and when we have any social services come in he bamboozles them into believing there’s nothing wrong. No service will force him to go with them. Cops can’t take him cause he’s not violent. Cops don’t believe anything he says. I looked up the call history on landline he spends all day calling lawyers and elder abuse centers and police. Woken up 8am cops at door. Can’t do this. Question is, is eviction my only option?
Show up at the hospital separately and tell them that he cannot be returned to your home as he is a danger to himself and others.
I am trying to get my wife into a skilled nursing/memory care facility because she has terminal breast cancer AND schizophrenia. The SZ is the biggest issue. She berates me, then smothers me, calls her family and says she is in danger, called her sisters and they then called APS on me (her one and only caregiver). I was of course found not guilty. Hospice nurses come in 3 days a week and they were "helping" me get her into a facility when all of a sudden they decided my wife was of "sound mind" and won't make her go against her will.
What is wrong with this country? Millions of people are "trapped" in these situations and there is NOTHING we can do but sit and take it or put them out on the street....which of course I won't do
You mention being "her one and only caregiver". Also, "sit and take it or put them out on the street".
These is extreme thinking.
Marriage vows of in sickness & in health - a worthy oath.
What does this mean to you?
To me it means support. It does not mean I take on duties I can't do or burdens I cannot bear.
Your wife may have a sound mind to decide she does not want to move into a care/hospice home.
She holds no authority to make you her fulltime caregiver. That was & still is your own choice.
I like BarbBrooklyn's idea of calling 911 when he gets paranoid and then explaining that he might have a UTI or a stroke. Before doing this I would discretely video his behaviors since he seems to be good at "show timing".
Regarding his driving... if you think he is an unsafe driver, then the minute he pulls out of the driveway call 911 to report him. You can anonymously report him to his state's DMV (online). When I did this in both FL and MN I was able to give them a lot of detail, like DOB, driver's license # and specific incidences. Being angry or paranoid isn't enough of a reason to revoke a license. If you report him successfully the DMV will most likely mail out a letter informing him to come in for a test (and which test depends on what state he lives in). I would make sure the letter didn't get to him and if it does, don't remind him or take him to this appointment. Let his license expire, then when he gets in his car to drive, you call it in to the police and see what happens from there. This won't get him out of your house but may protect other citizens (and himself) if he's dangerous on the road, and may provide evidence of his cognitive deterioration.
I'm so sorry you're going through this crisis. I wish you success in getting him out and into appropriate care.
Change the number or take the phone away.
Yes, I would recommend you do what you have to do for YOU/R needs.
This behavior / situation will only get worse / more complicated as time goes on.
Do not wait.
No, you 'Can't do this." STOP.
The issue with medical exam - if it might work and likely it won't:
Tell him it is a YEARLY / ANNUAL EVALUATION that everyone is required to do.
Or tell him you are taking him for a ride to somewhere he'd want to go (yes, lie). This is for his own good, and you being able to maintain what is left of your sanity, energy, life. Do not continue on like this.
Lastly, if he won't sign legal documents what will help you to help him, then let it all go. Psychologically, you need to release yourself from this - one way or another. If he is deemed incompetent, then you can make decisions, of course. If not. The chips fall where they may. Certainly this isn't the scenario we ever expect or want with an elder parent. However, when the brain changes, we do what we have to do - for us (YOU) and the family member.
Gena / Touch Matters
You can of course go the eviction route, but hopefully before then he will need a visit to the ER. And while there you make it VERY clear to the hospital social worker that he CANNOT return to your home, as you nor anyone else is equipped to care for him.
They will then have to find placement for him in the appropriate facility. And since he has no one as his POA, you can allow the state to take over the care of him, which may be best now.
I'm sorry that both your parents are suffering with the horrible disease of dementia. It sucks, this I know. But hopefully you can try and remind yourself that it is the disease speaking not your father.
I stepped away and she continued to call day and night, so I changed my number. Still, after a year and a half she hires homeless people and caregivers to bang on my door till I answer to tell me to call her. Also has family from around the country to call me on her behalf for sympathy. She is 82 with Parkinson’s and she lives with my 50 year old quadriplegic sister. They live in squalor and have spending problems and think everyone is stealing. She sees demons in the backyard and calls the cops, this happened to my Grandmother and ended up shooting herself trying to shoot the demon (she said the demon turned the gun on her). My mother has 9 guns hidden all over the house. I tell the authorities and her doctor this and they do nothing. They tell me it’s not illegal to make poor choices.
Last time I was there my mother had a 38 on her Walker with severe Parkinson’s next to my quadriplegic sister and the cop saw it. I wish I took a pic of it, I didn’t realize she meant it in a threatening way like a mafia boss
I would start proceedings to have him out of your house, it’s the only way you may dislodge him from his power position. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if my mother would’ve made it into my house.
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