Father in law is healthy and takes care of her now. Her motor skills are declining rapidly due to strokes & Alzheimer’s. I have been a caregiver to my Mother who is in assisted living now. I can’t bear the thought of having more trauma at my home but feel guilty and ashamed to say no. I never got along good with father in law. They have a daughter who lives nearby.
There is an excellent book called, When People are Big and God is Small, and the theme is that you should not be afraid of what anyone thinks. Ultimately, you are only responsible to God and your conscience, and you should never base your decisions on what other people might think of you. It's your life, and you must learn to stand up for yourself. Giving in to what others think or want is a recipe for misery for you, and even for them. Take courage, and just say no!
Then, have this same conversation with his sister (and her spouse) and set your hopes and boundaries for YOU-all.
Finally, have a family meeting with all of you. This is a family issue. Your MIL needs care, and your FIL really needs some relief.
There are many facilities where there is progressive care, from independent living all the way to Alzheimer's and Hospice.
Everyone needs some calmness. I hope you find some.
You can say no and I urge you to set the boundary and say no.
It is a false expectation in our culture that we will lovingly care for our parents and our in laws regardless of their condition.
I said yes when my mother started letting her bill lapse, was leaving the stove on, and would forget my brother's name. I wrapped my arms around her life and moved her into our home. It has not been a picnic and has adversely affected our lives in many ways. Yes...it is a blessing to give care and love back to our parents. However, we are only human and there is so much to do..like prepare for our own aging and working on our own health and the maintenance of our lives. Mom has fallen 3 times in 5 years at my home. Every time is traumatic. Then it is usually a 3AM ride in an ambulance and then the doctors, the nurses, the medication lists etc. I am at the end of my rope and seriously looking at putting mom in a good place. We have lives too and need to live them.
Don't feel guilty. Period. Even if you didn't have a breakdown or conditions or what have you, you do not have to be a caretaker. It is not a job for one person in any event and will get worse as time goes on. Please remember you don't need to have a reason to say no to anyone for anything. Your desire to not do it is enough. But first get your husband involved, state your boundaries, and then have him deal with the in laws. Yes, even if you've always handled all of this type of thing, you have him deal with his parents. Period.
Why did you bring up their daughter living nearby? If they have two children, one male and one female, and they need assistance, it should fall on both their shoulders, not just the daughters.