I am a 65 yo female. I am/was a Nurse Practitioner. I had to retire 5 years ago. I have multiple sclerosis. I am the second child, oldest daughter of 5 siblings. I was very interested in medicine. Loved biology and wanted to be a nurse since 12 yo. He refused to allow me to take any nursing courses. My older brother and I had to pay rent (mine was two weeks salary). He did not pay for college. I went to college to become a nurse. My husband payed for college. After I graduated at age 30, I had two daughters, continued to work as an RN while obtaining my BSN and MSN. Paid for my partial scholarships and work. My husband was very supportive throughout this busy time. I was a good student, worked part-time job after school. My father was cruel and abusive to first 3 siblings...but he despised me the most because I was outspoken and overweight (25 lbs overweight). He was emotionally, physically abusive to first 3 kids. My sister and I also were sexually abused by him for 4 years. I was married at age 19 to a supportive, kind man. Father sexually abused my younger sister once I was married and out of the house. Both my sister and I confronted my parents when we were in our 30’s. He admitted to the sexual abuse. Very domineering father...very passive mother. Although she had 5 children, she did not like sex. Considered it her “wifely duty.” Something to endure rather than enjoy. She did not discuss menstruation or any topics remotely involving sex. My mother denied knowing anything about it. He would take us to their bedroom after dinner for a “back rub” behind locked door. My mother did not question this. She acted like it was “normal.” She was very angry at my sister & I for accusing my father of the sexual abuse. My father’s response: “you did not seem to mind. And this is done in many cultures.” He also was angry because he was concerned about his “standing” in our family. He is narcissistic and a hypochondriac. After I became a nurse, he seeks my counsel whenever he has an illnesses or sexual issues. He is 90 yo, lives in memory care. Mother died age 66. He has a selective memory, and states that he does not remember being cruel or abusive to his children.
(I sometimes remind people that not every senior is a sweet little old man/lady, the users and abusers and truly evil people grow old too)
Not from a distance, definitely not hands on.
In all these years have you sought professional help?
I would like you to consider taking issues such as this to someone who is professionally trained and knowledgable, and can help you toward healing. You are now 65; these issues are lifelong. We can give you our sympathy, and I know there isn't one of us here who doesn't. But we can't guide you in things that pertain to the kind of abuse you sustained.
Congratulations on your career as a nurse. I spent my career as one as well. Like you it took me a while. My loving parents could not help me financially, so I did it on my own, working up from aid to LVN to RN. I loved the career. I am so thankful you had it as well. We knew we helped people. We were lucky in that.
For myself, the relationship you choose now to have with your father is up to you, and up to what serves you best. There IS no reconciling what your father did to you. Just because he is now aged and weak and without a memory doesn't mean that it didn't happen, that he wasn't what he was. I would not have had any relationship with him lifelong, myself, I don't believe. But of course that's so easy for someone who has utterly no experience of it to SAY. I sincerely doubt if you will ever come to any understanding, and apology, any anything with an ill old man in denial undoubtedly all his life about what he has done.
I would like to tell you to spend as little time thinking and worrying about this severely ill and limited creature; but you ARE worrying about it. Please seek help that can guide you, because I haven't a clue what to tell you except that I am appalled for what you had to go through, and couldn't be sorrier.