I am a 65 yo female. I am/was a Nurse Practitioner. I had to retire 5 years ago. I have multiple sclerosis. I am the second child, oldest daughter of 5 siblings. I was very interested in medicine. Loved biology and wanted to be a nurse since 12 yo. He refused to allow me to take any nursing courses. My older brother and I had to pay rent (mine was two weeks salary). He did not pay for college. I went to college to become a nurse. My husband payed for college. After I graduated at age 30, I had two daughters, continued to work as an RN while obtaining my BSN and MSN. Paid for my partial scholarships and work. My husband was very supportive throughout this busy time. I was a good student, worked part-time job after school. My father was cruel and abusive to first 3 siblings...but he despised me the most because I was outspoken and overweight (25 lbs overweight). He was emotionally, physically abusive to first 3 kids. My sister and I also were sexually abused by him for 4 years. I was married at age 19 to a supportive, kind man. Father sexually abused my younger sister once I was married and out of the house. Both my sister and I confronted my parents when we were in our 30’s. He admitted to the sexual abuse. Very domineering father...very passive mother. Although she had 5 children, she did not like sex. Considered it her “wifely duty.” Something to endure rather than enjoy. She did not discuss menstruation or any topics remotely involving sex. My mother denied knowing anything about it. He would take us to their bedroom after dinner for a “back rub” behind locked door. My mother did not question this. She acted like it was “normal.” She was very angry at my sister & I for accusing my father of the sexual abuse. My father’s response: “you did not seem to mind. And this is done in many cultures.” He also was angry because he was concerned about his “standing” in our family. He is narcissistic and a hypochondriac. After I became a nurse, he seeks my counsel whenever he has an illnesses or sexual issues. He is 90 yo, lives in memory care. Mother died age 66. He has a selective memory, and states that he does not remember being cruel or abusive to his children.
My 1st husband, the bio-dad of my 2 sons was a manipulative and selfish man. When the courts awarded me full custody he formally and legally dis-inherited the boys then aged 12. My 2nd husband loved my sons and taught them what it really means to be a man and became their true father. Throughout their teens I made sure that my sons sent their bio-dad a Christmas card and a birthday card, followed by a short phone call each year in a token acknowledgement of the biological connection. (I didn't want them to feel a false guilt or blame me for alienation.) I maintained a PO Box for them for any letters or cards that their father might choose to send them. For a period of about 10 years they received about 3 or 4 cards each. That was the "relationship."
When their bio-dad reached retirement age he started asking them for money. My boys did well for themselves and were earning decent money as computer programmers, but they also were establishing themselves, buying homes, etc. They asked me what they should do about their bio-dad's requests for money. I told them, "add up all the money your father gave you for college and all the money he sent you for special needs beyond the child support he owed you. Double it. Send him that much money every month." Dead silence for a minute. "But Mom, he never sent any money. He never even paid all the child support. You and [2nd husband] did all of that." I replied, "There is your answer. When you had needs he ignored you. Now he is claiming to have needs. Whether or not he does have real needs, all you need to do is follow his example." That was over 20 years ago. They have maintained a contact of sorts, but they have never sent the bio-dad a dime. Bio-dad continues to live in the house he owns and hires a companion to care for him. Best of all, they have come to feel absolutely no guilt or remorse about anything regarding him. On the other hand, my 2nd husband and I have a warm, caring relationship with our sons and the four of us share many things, including gifts that go both ways.
A compassionate, caring human being will feel an emotional response to a person who is called a parent even if that person was never truly a parent and never nourished or cared. Follow your mind, not your emotions. Sooth your emotions by caring for those who return caring with caring. You will be fine because you are a good person. It is not your fault that your father was/is no father or that your mother was/is no mother. Care for those who care for you and spare no emotion on the ones who failed you. It does not matter what he does or does not remember, what matters is what you know to be true. Follow your mind, your emotions will adjust. Do not let the man who made your childhood miserable also make your senior years miserable. Just take care of yourself and those who truly care for you.
Do not let the man who made your childhood miserable also make your senior years miserable. Just take care of yourself and those who truly care for you.
It's not easy... but focus on YOUR FAMILY...and those who truly CARE
Have you been in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it to reinforce the need to set boundaries with your abuser, who conveniently forgets now that he needs you.
Please tell me what culture approves of sexual contact between father and daughter.