How do I make my mother feel like she is contributing?

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How do I make my mother feel like she is contributing?

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My mother has dementia. I am single and living with her. My brother stopped speaking to her (and me) several years ago so I am the sole caregiver. Sometimes she knows she is confused and gets upset because "things aren't right in her head." Tonight she said that she feels like she doesn't have a purpose. I now realize that by doing things for her is contributing to that, but she can't remember how to do things, can't find things, etc. I'm trying to think of meaningful activities for her to do. Does anyone have any suggestions? We live in a small town and do not have any day-care services available.

Cognitive Decline Family Caregiver Senior Activities

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I empower my mother to do as much as she can by herself. I might guide her in her wheelchair but she does the movements on her own. When she lived at home I'd ask her what she wanted and make it for her in the microwave but she bathed and clothed herself. Little things like that helped her have a purpose.

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You are very insightful. 😊

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You have so many good ideas here. The next time you are about to do a task, ask her to do it. If it takes her longer, so what. You probably know what she is capable of doing, so create her tasks from her abilities and be sure to day...I need some help with this to make her feel useful. Don't do everything for her. Keeping her up, moving, active is much better for her health and yours as well

Right now, she may have very good memory in identifying old pictures. Dementia usually works in reverse - current things come and go, the really old stuff is still pretty sharp! Tape a bunch of old pictures on a paper and tell her to write the names of people in the picture.

Invite her friends to visit..any relatives. Keeping her connected to her intact memories will help.

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Thank all of you for your wonderful suggestions! I'll take any and all ideas. I just found this site and while I'm sorry that others are also dealing with these things, it does help to know that others understand and offer support. Thanks!

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I just want to say that all the answers and suggestions are so spot-on. I started "liking" them but after a while they were all so helpful that I had to post this. Good luck to all on this board - I lost my husband almost a year ago to dementia and wish I had had some of these good ideas to follow.

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My Mom always needs to feel that she is contributing. Some things I've had her do that will depend on the current skill level of your LO. Many of these "jobs" my mom can't do anymore. I've had her empty/fill the dishwasher, dust, go through cookbooks and mark recipes she would like us to try, fold towels/sheets, fold grocery plastic bags (she has this way of neatly folding and rolling them that I just don't have patience for!), brush dogs, roll coins, make grocery list, organize photos (this is a great one to do together and talk about memories). I also call my mom my sous chef and when I'm cooking she sits at the counter and helps mix things or cut up items. She really enjoys this and during that time we talk about recipes and things she used to make when I was a child. Also getting library books that may interest your LO is a great idea and no cost.

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Too funny. Mom liked following the grocery bags too! She’s not able to assist in the kitchen anymore but that was a favorite time when I called her my “sous chef”.

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My mom use to help emptying the dishwasher, the silverware was easy for her to sort out into piles like forks in one pile knives in another pile etc. Also folding laundry and making beds. Beds are easier if two people work together to make them up. She loved to go shopping for groceries. Treat her as you would a toddler who follows you and wants to help..

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Hello.
My mother-in-law had Alzheimer's and helped by folding laundry. It helped her stay busy and as her illness progressed she folded and refolded towels.

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My mom lived with us for 12 years and at the beginning said she felt things were "wrong in her head" and she was bored. I bought a box of 500 business envelopes, had 1000 single page flyers (I have a home based business) and would have her stuff envelopes. I told her someone else would seal, stamp and mail them. When she finished her "job" for the day, I'd take them away. I'd sometimes take her out to a "business lunch" or ask her to join me on my work errands to pick up or drop off things. After she went to bed, I'd empty the envelopes and get another "job" ready for the next day. That worked for several weeks. Photo albums are also a great way to help them pass the time. Just ask questions and don't fret if they tell you a story you know isn't true. Just go along with it and act interested. They'll feel more "normal" that way. It's not an easy road to caregive a parent. Many blessings to you.

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Do you have a family album? ask her to explain all the pix .... 'just who was Aunt Mary?', 'how is Uncle John a part of my family?' & so on - have post it notes/envelopes, pens paper etc to jot down what she says -

She will feel important & valuable plus you will have info on all those old pix - these pix are really a frozen moment in time that can never come again because most are long gone

Let her know how much her info contributes to your family knowledge - she most likely can recognize this over a pix of her own grandchildren

Hope this helps both of you

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Folding small amounts of cloths after they come out of the laundry give a person like her a sense a purpose. God bless you!

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Why not Ask her to help you with your favorite recipes from her so that you can pass them along and keep her legacy alive. Ask her about her family and her childhood as those of the last memories to go. Music from her early days will help stimulate her memories. My dad did his auto biography, But maybe you can ask her if she has any fond memories of her childhood or raising you that she would like to help U document so you can share with posterity. Tell her you're working on a family tree and history. You could make a list of famous memories and sit down with her and tell her how much a particular incident or memory meant to you and others. I don't know how far gone your mother is but it's just a suggestion. Even if her memories are partial, Tell her you will get help filling in the rest.

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I am always amazed at how similar everyone’s story and issues are on this forum, yet no one in healthcare seems to advise you on any of this? This site is a blessing.

I ask my mom for help folding laundry (mostly hand clothes and pillowcases) and she feels good she is helping.
Before her eyesight deteriorated she would help prep food for cooking.
I also have theraputty that while it exercises her hands it also keeps her focused and she is happy when she pulls all the beads out successfully when I praise her

like you- my brother has pretty much abandoned us. His wife has been a blessing and offers assistance but they are 4 hours away and that assistance is only a few days a year to cover for me to travel for work. So not a real break for me since I am busy with work those few days.
I haven’t had a break from work and mom at the same time for over 7 years now and I don't know how I've made it this long.
Each time my brother seems like he is about to step up — another excuse comes up. I don’t battle with him or even ask anymore because the disappointment is too much. This year he said he’d give me a week off (thanksgiving week - right?) and now he has said it can only be for 4 days.
And yes it’s only april. He says he can’t plan ahead because of work yet he books 4 different vacations every year 8in advance? . And he gets 6 weeks vacation to my 4 weeks.. It’s sad, amazing, and disappointing— but I made up my mind like you to simply not react anymore. We can’t change others - only the way we react.
Best of luck.
Great support and advice on this site and its a safe place to vent xoxo

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Thanks for all your suggestions! They really help. Also, knowing there is somewhere where I can get ideas and support helps me. Thank you so much!

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What about a small flower garden that she could tend?

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Through the church that my mother and I attend, I offer volunteer help with simple activities that I know my mom can do (with my help) such as cutting out things that can be used later in VBS, helping at the Regional Food Bank by helping with some of the children's activities that we can do together, helping with a new program that our church will now be doing ( managing 58 other organizations that assist with MOW by labeling or repackaging items that my mom can do with my guidance), etc. Volunteering is a wonderful thing to do, and it is something that we both can do to contribute. I limit what we are able to do to about 3-4 hours of time, I have to be present to assist her with these activities, I explain what the nature of my mother's limitations are in the beginning so that the people asking for our assistance know in advance her capabilities, etc. These simple activities give her purpose and it allows both of us to do something together that makes a difference to others down the line in some form or fashion.

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Yes. Simple things. Folding washclothes, and etc. Just simple things. Dusting might work if she can get around. And lots of praise for the help. Is there a church group or any other community based group where a few of you caregivers can get together for drop offs; sometimes the elders enjoy visiting with one another briefly and it is a few hours on your own. If there is none, just a bulletin on a board at grocer, churches, etc might make you able to organize such a thing. Think out of the box. Planting seeds in little plastic planters on the porch. Anything you can think of that is something new but not daunting might help. Good luck. We nurses when I was working had great luck with the washclothe folding help. It was something their minds remembered, and could do.

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I struggle with finding purposeful tasks with my Dad, too. I try to look for opportunities and think of ways I can bring a task that he can do. He gets bored with the passive entertainment the facility offers, after a while. Here are some things that have worked for me:

1. Sort and count coins to put them in coin rolls (you can get coin rolls at the dollar store). I've asked my friends if we can do their coin jars, too!
2. Stuffing envelopes for a mailing - Christmas cards or mailings for some of my volunteer activities.
3. Putting the stamps and the address labels on the envelopes.
4. Sorting the hardware jar. Watch out for sharp things, though.
5. Make a simple snack. Example: Dip pretzel rods in candy melts (those chocolate-like disks you can get a Michaels, etc.) and roll them in sprinkles or colored sugar. Share them with the staff.
- Note - search the Internet for recipes kids can make.
6. Assist with planting in pots. I was preparing a number of them for gifts. Dad helped by putting a few stones in the bottom of the pot for drainage.
7. If she is in a facility, do they mail out a newsletter? Maybe she can help fold the newsletter or similar.
8. String Cheerios for feeding the birds. Use a children's needle or yarn needle and string.There are other simple birdfeeder type crafts online.

You can always Google "things to do with elderly in a nursing home" or similar. There's a lot out there on the Internet.

Please share your successes, too!

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This hits home in so many ways.
Try to remember things she did for you all as kids. For instance, folding towels..watering plants..
Washing dishes (if only just coffee cups)..Pull from her past and go from there. Hope this is helpful 😇

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My mom has said this many times as well. She was an avid sewer and loved to garden. She now has Parkinson's and is wheelchair bound and has very little use of her hands so she really can't do many physical things. I ask her for a lot of advice about sewing projects. I tell her what my needs are for an item and then ask her how she would sew this item. If she can't think of something right away I tell her think about it and let's discuss next time I see you. I also take pictures in my garden and ask her advice as to what plants she would put in spots. Or I take pictures of plants when I am out and about and ask her to help me identify what they are. She enjoys "helping" me figure out these things and giving her input.
Best wishes for helping your mom find her purpose in life.

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Sounds just like my mom. Wonderful seamstress! Great cook too! My mom has Parkinson’s too.

You have great ideas. 😊

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When I visit my mother, we will bake cookies together. I will give her a cup that is the appropriate measure for flour or sugar and she will put it in. She will also put the dough on the cookie sheets and they are also just perfectly formed and even on the sheets. Then I have her take them off the cookie sheets and start over again. Moms have baked so many years they don’t forget basics. We also made egg salad and she took the shells off the eggs and then stirred it all together as I added ingredients. She added salt and pepper all by herself.

Moms also like to sing and people with dementia, for the most part, remember most of the words.

Moms also like to play cards and for some reason, never forget how to play.

Also, going through old photo albums is a good past time. They can remember stories you may never have heard of.

Good luck! She may surprise you!

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Mom felt valued when asked for advice or her opinions. This also strengthened her mind and she would be sharper afterward. I think we all feel this way.

She loved going to the movies and watching the news on television. We would discuss afterward.

She loved polishing and dusting furniture. Her help with the laundry was invaluable. She liked tedious small -scale cleaning, like scrubbing grout with a toothbrush.

She responded beautifully to praise and gratitude. It changed her whole disposition.

Playing with and watching pets was one of her favorites.

My my siblings were also a huge disappointment. I’m not quite sure how they can live with themselves. Often, their concocted stories (about why they couldn’t come) would take longer than a visit.

I told her her how she was now the matriarch of the family, we needed her to be our queen.

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I agree about the siblings with excuses. I have lengthy texts from my brother about why he couldn't visit. Oh well, I can't change him, just my response to him. So - I just don't respond anymore and I feel so much better!

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I have had this same conversation with my mom a few times. It does break your heart and, as much as it's difficult to hear, it's understandable. We all want to have a purpose. What I realized is that with dementia, a purpose can come in the form of something small like folding laundry. Simple tasks, as long as it makes the person feel useful, seem to be the best. Maggiebea said it well, it is like having a toddler help. It's probably not going to be perfect but that's ok.

Mom is now in a memory care facility and her purpose is to show her room to potential new residents and their families. She loves that as she was the hostess with the mostest back in the day. If there is something your mom loved to do when she was younger, performing a simpler version of that might help. I wish you all the best, it's a rough journey for both caregivers and the people we love.

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Get her into church involvement. If she is a Christian, find a church in a denomination she feels comfortable in; if not, churches almost always have groups for community members, including senior groups, exercise groups if she is up for it, etc. Also, your local Social Services/Human Services should have some suggested groups for you to get her involved in. If she is physically able, many of the above groups offer volunteer "opportunities" and are thrilled if she can help cut cloth for quilts, etc.

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I am in the same place. I brought my mom to live with me 6 mos ago. She is 85 and has apathy. Not depression..apathy and it is terrible. She has no interest in anything. She used to be so vibrant. It is one of the most common symptoms of dementia. About the only thing she really likes is music. I try to take her to as many plays, symphonies, talks as much as I can. She used to be a staunch Catholic..now she won't go to church..She says she can't understand why God would allow this. She also says she has no purprose. She does fold clothes for me. She is always tired and spends most of her day in bed. I tell her that her purpose is to give ME a purpose. Hugs to both of you.

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My Mom is 89 and says she feels she has no reason to get up each morning. She broke her hip a year ago and did great in inpatient rehab and outpatient rehab but now refuses to exercise at all. She does not want to go out and do things and since she is mobility impaired since the hip surgery (walks with a walker), she is not interested (or able, really) to go shopping or anywhere that would require lots of walking. She tires easily. I try to get her to exercise but she always has an excuse like her knees hurt or her back hurts. She once said that her lack of exercise and absence of desire to go places and do things probably bothers my brother and me a lot more than it bothers her! She is not able to cook or get down to pull weeds or plant flowers, etc. I wish I could find something to interest her and get her more active.

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I was going to suggest puzzles too. They make ones for people with dementia. But any that have larger pieces and fewer pieces are good.
you might look in your local craft store for projects that are geared down in difficulty.

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Harp,

I thought about the puzzles. I wouldn’t mind doing the puzzle with her just to relax my mind.

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Any routine repetitive chore that you can ask her to 'help' with? Often with folks in dementia, the 'help' they give is a lot like the help toddlers give -- one part assistance and two parts making a mess -- but she might feel more useful if she was participating in something that appears useful.

When I worked in the Alzheimers' unit, a lot of our folks enjoyed putting together puzzles -- not the 1000-piece kind! -- the kind sold for the age 2-5 set, a wood frame and 6-15 wood pieces that fit inside it. We never called it 'playing with puzzles' or even 'puzzle time.' We called it 'could you help me put these away?' after we dumped the pieces in a pile.

Folding laundry is great, but if she can't manage clothing, have her 'help' you fold the laundry by folding towels or napkins. They can be the same ones she folded yesterday, as long as she feels like she's 'helping'.

Also, people with dementia often still like the same hobbies they used to like, they just can't follow through. But they can still do a part. The person who used to paint in watercolors might enjoy a brush, a piece of paper, and plain water. The person who used to garden might enjoy digging holes in the dirt, or 'weeding' a patch of grass. The person who used to embroider might enjoy a craft project with a small piece of plastic grid, some yarn, and a blunt plastic needle.

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My parents said the same thing to me when they hit their late 80s. I think a lot of it stems from
boredom. As others mentioned folding laundry or assisting with cooking is a great way to feel like she’s contributing.
My mother use to be the cook in the family when I was growing up so now that she isn’t able to help with the cooking anymore she also started expressing how purposeless she felt so I started putting on TV shows or movies that she likes so she can easily follow along to distract while I cook. If your mother is still mobile getting some exercise could also help, we have a stationary pedal exerciser that we call her “bike” that she can use sitting. Coloring books, paint by numbers or dots-to-dots could be great if you’re mother is the creative type, mine’s not at all. What she did like was when my daughter got her a notebook for her “homework assignment” where we ask her to list the months of the year and the days of the week, her address, her birthday, age, current president and other simple memory tasks.

Sometimes just discussing current events especially politics helps the elderly feel more relevant and engaged in the community if that’s something that interests them. Some ideas and food for thought!

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Is there a senior center in your area where she could participate in activities, interact with others her age? Are there friends and family that come to visit? One thing for sure is the more interaction elderly, all of us, have with others the stronger both mentally and physically we are. Do you have a pet, dog or cat for instance she could have the responsibility of feeding and maybe walking (depends of course on her abilities)? Could she be in charge a at least some meals or portions of them, laundry or vacuuming, even if it needs to be done again or touched up it might be worth her having the chore. If she is mobile and healthy enough I know some areas have programs using retired/elderly folks to hold infants in intensive care or abandoned and waiting for placement. What have been some of her hobbies or passions in her lifetime, is she a gardener or might she be? She could grow vegetables for the family to contribute to the household or start recording family history for extended family to have. Might she take up drawing or painting, does she use a computer or iPad? Maybe a worship group or local school who could use adults to sit with early readers while they read out loud or help with the school play.

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You know the other thing I always ask mom to do is pray. She has deep faith and she feels needed hearing me ask for her prayers. I don’t know if this applies in your situation but everyone can pray and I for one will never turn down any prayer offers said for me.

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Yes, prayer. My 91yr old dad was a strong and active farmer who also was my mother's caregiver for the last few years of her life. Now he is 70lbs lighter and much weaker and said to me several years ago that he felt worthless. I told him (involved in a church all his life) that as long as he had a mind to think, he could spend time praying and praising the Lord for his family, friends, pastor, missionaries, government leaders, etc. He took that to heart and also bumped up his Bible reading and devotions. :)

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My mom has also said something similar to me. She said that she didn’t understand why God was allowing her to live this long instead of being united with my father in heaven. So hard to hear but I do understand it. She and my dad were married over 50 years, did everything together and truly loved one another.

She doesn’t go on and on about it but I know she misses my dad. My dad showed my mom how much she meant to him. She showed him. Not in a superficial way, sugary words, but in daily living, being there for one another where it truly matters. I matter as a daughter to mom but I could never be the same as my father was to her. He was her special someone.

My mom isn’t able to do chores or things but I will ask her for her opinion on something. Everyone wants to feel respected and needed.

The other sad thing older people say, is when my mom has said, “People forget about us old folks.” That one hurts too.

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