My in laws have moved in with us, because it became apparent to their daughters that they could not care for themselves. I am OK with taking care of them. But it is frustrating at times because they rely on me for everything. Even things they did for themselves when they lived on their own..(hanging up their phone, looking up phone numbers for them, shopping online for gifts for other family members, finding her a new watch, calling their bank, finding things they have misplaced, etc.) I understand that, but they expect me to drop everything. I am setting boundaries and working through the frustration. The problem is that I was trying to discuss it with my husband (their son), and vent while at the same time state my issues out loud so I can find a solution.. He became so angry and 'threatened' to tell them its not working. He was angry with me!! Of course that made me angry and I said, 'clearly you have no idea the work that goes into this.' He got even angrier. What the hell?? I didn't respond after that. I'm curious as to why he is not superbly grateful that I have agreed to let his parents move in, and I made their space lovely. I cook a beautiful meal for all of us every night. My mother in law is gluten free so that is even more work. I'm confused by his outburst, and by the fact that he 'threatened' to tell them they had to find other arrangements.. Does he think he's doing me a favor by having them here? Did he think I was going to back down and say, "oh please don't do that!" They are not my parents and I've been kind enough to treat them with loving care, and patience. I have worked very hard to make them comfortable and he yells at me? I don't want to cuss but I am feeling like a *&^%$ secretary, cook, house keeper, chauffeur, therapist, and social committee all at once. And to boot, after I was discussing our day, before he freaked out, he said, "just so you know, Im going sailing on Sunday. And I want you to take pictures." EXCUSE ME?????? (And it's Valentines day) #$%@&^*
1) Is your MIL incapable of cooking anything, or organising clearing up the kitchen? You shouldn’t have to cook a ‘wonderful’ meal every night. What could they prepare themselves for all of you?
2) Could you and DH eat separately, at least once a week? Cook your wonderful meal with candle light etc for you and DH, but served separately – in your own area, or at a different time. Cook a very simple meal (eg pasta with tomato sauce) for parents in law. Boring!
3) Could you and DH eat out regularly, without them always coming along? You deserve it!
4) What else could they do – could FIL rake up leaves (or shovel snow), clean your car, mop the laundry floor.
5) Could MIL organise the washing? Or any other tasks?
All of these things are reasonable ways for them to contribute, and for you and DH to get your own married life back together, without passengers. If the parents don’t like it, THAT isn’t reasonable, and may encourage them to get back to Florida. Caring doesn’t mean abandoning your own lives in order to make them as comfortable as possible. Good luck!
I have given them tasks, which rarely get done. I will say that I am a bit impatient with allowing this to happen. My mother in law is to dust the floor every day (we have two dogs and as such, constant fur to deal with). She insists on simply picking the fur off of the disposable cloth and reusing it over and over, which becomes inefficient and
Thanks again for the input. (smiley face)
I would list some benchmarks in areas they need to change or they will get booted out to a living situation that is equipped to handle this.
I have found hard enough to care for my own mom, I would not want to be burdened like you are with a MIL
I would list some benchmarks in areas they need to change or they will get booted out to a living situation that is equipped to handle this.
I have found hard enough to care for my own mom, I would not want to be burdened like you are with a MIL
He needs to be a little more involved because they are his parents (unless, of course, the wife is expected to do all of this from a cultural point of view). When hubby is in the room and they ask for something to be retrieved, get yourself out of the area and holler back at hubby - could you help your mom, please? I'm working on this or that. What does he do to participate in your household? The online shopping, banking, etc? He can do those things for them. --- Could you help your mom find a new watch online and order it for her?
When they ask you to do something for them that you know they can do, get them more involved in their own care. From their perspective. You used to take care of this yourself, if you stop doing little things you used to do, you will not be able to do them. Same as sitting in chair too long, the longer you sit, the less you will be able to do tomorrow. I want to see you both keep moving around, keeping your mind active, doing what you can so we can all continue to help each other. If either of you or both of you don't stay active, it may reach a point where I can't physically take care of you.
Thus far everyone commenting has been assuming that you're 100% from and within a typical Western culture. I'm thinking that you're from Dubai, living in the states, but still tied to a very restrictive culture, that carries enormous wealth, and penalties for non-compliance.
I'll need more cultural background b/4 answering, because expecting anyone to be "superbly grateful," is one of many cultural differences that might be happening,
Based on the wording minimally he originates from wealth, which might be his uper hand so-to-speak. Your background seems to be from a place, that requires catering to in-laws, if you fail to do so, you'll be penalized? It's a guess, but I'm familiar with it So the only thing that seems obvious is that his country club perspective expects women to be a perfectly compliant "secretary, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, therapist, and social committee all at once." Whilst understandably, you don't like being declassified and disrespected, as an overworked member of "the help."
Unlike you though MIL had her own home. You'd have to go on vacation and leave your husband with his parents for a few days. Ideally he and his siblings "walk in your shoes".
If any of his other sibling aren't willing to take in their parents, then they should be aiding you. Does your husband feel guilty? Or did he decide this is to be your life's work? When he gets home, does he take on some of the duties/errands his parents ask of you?
Is there any way the two of you can sit and have an Honest, Quiet discussion. Say go out for nice dinner, just the two of you, then when emotions are calmer, talk. Together, set boundaries with his parents (rules of the house) and if you are busy they learn to wait patiently. Set up shared duties - what you do, what hubby does, what his siblings do. Would hiring a care giver a few hours a couple days a week be doable so you get time to yourself all by yourself or you and your husband together. If your husband is just dumping his parents off on you, then yes other living arrangements should be made.
When it was getting that MIL was no longer able to live on her own and discussions were going on within the family, I offered to my husband that we could move into her house - which was not the most realistic offer but I was willing to give it a try.
And I've previously posted that living with my father would have sent me to be committed and my mother living with my husband would also end up with her being committed. Not everyone can do in home care of their LOs. Good Luck
1. Marriage counseling.
2. Leave him home alone with them for a week or a long weekend.
Try both!
He's got it made in the shade....his parents are right there and taken care of and his wife puts a hot meal on the table every night. His world is perfect. Yours however is not. I don't know why you agreed to this arrangement, but you need to tell him you have misjudged the situation and have changed your mind.
Just curious...why didn't one of your sister in laws take them in?
One day when he came home to find me frantically rocking the screaming baby and no dinner ever started, he finally said, "What do you DO all day??" so I decided to write it down.
The next day I kept a pad of paper with me all day, and I wrote down every single thing I did. He left for work at 6 a.m. and the baby woke up shortly after that, so I did, too. (I'd been up at 3:30 a.m. to feed her for an hour, too.) I kept track of everything I did -- and at what time to the minute I did it. I kept track from 6:30 until 3 p.m. when the colic would kick in, because we both knew nothing got done from that point on.
I discovered I didn't do one single task that lasted longer than 2-3 minutes without some kind of interruption, and that included eating, showering, and going to the bathroom. I presented that lengthy list of 8 1/2 hours of doing "nothing" to my husband, and he never brought it up again.
Over the years of raising three children with a husband who traveled much of the time, I learned to turn a deaf ear to the annoying comments -- like the one when he called from a lengthy business trip and said, "I am SO sick of lobster!" while we were eating Kraft macaroni for the third night in a row -- but the main thing is I made sure he understood that I was not a martyr and the job was not easy. I started venting in a journal, but I did tell him all the things I'd done in a day just to keep him up to speed on my lazy ways. ;-)
I suggest you, too, vent in a journal, but let your husband know EVERYTHING you do in a day, and let him know as well when (not if) you'll be taking days off to do things on your own.
If I could relay one piece of advice, it’s to take as many caregiver breaks as possible until they move to a nearby facility. I had to put my foot down finally in my life even if I was sick. The sooner the better.
Take that weekend off, and take part of it too make a list of things that you will not do for others. Practice saying polite versions of "do it yourself." You will need to practice because I doubt very much that you have said it very much.
You sound very much like one of my sisters, who always got stuck with more than her share of work simply because she was good at it and did it quickly. She still is and does and sometimes she is bitter about the whole thing. We all love her dearly, and we do help, but if she didn't hop right in there and get working right away the world would not come to an end. Practice sitting at the table enjoying your coffee for a while before you jump up and get at the dishes. Maybe smile sweetly and suggest that it may be your husband's turn to do the dishes. I raised my kids with this: "there is too much work in this world for anyone to get a free ride." You have made life too easy for your husband, his sisters, and his parents. Time to make them take their share of the work.
If they refuse perhaps it is time for you to take a little vacation alone and let them experience what you go through. Inform them you will come back when there is a written contract on who does what.