Follow
Share

i can’t make my husband understand that living with MIL is making me crazy. I spend my four days off cleaning the urine smell out of Everything and it’s making me crazy. She is the sweetest kindest lady and I have no problems at all with her here except her bladder issues. It’s also effecting my our three year who know seems to think of you pee on yourself or wet yourself it’s an accident like grandma. So now it’s double the pee smell and double the laundry. The only person that can get her to bath seem to be the caretaker. She doesn’t always have luck either. How do I make him relive that if she soils herself at night and he doesn’t use soap to wipe her off before he changes her that eventually the urine smell is going to seep into EVERYTHING. I know this all sounds ridiculous….a little comical tooo. It’s driving me nuts though I clean all day and the minute I wake up I smell pee because my son is copying his grandma or I come home from work and the smell of urine hits me in the face the minute I open the front door ( her bedroom is right next to it ). I took a shower today and what I thought was a clean towel turned out to have pee on it.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Does she have to live with you? And why isn’t your husband the one who is scrubbing urine on his days off?

It is time for a come to Jesus meeting with husband. It’s a husband problem more than a pee problem.

You have a marital issue and he needs to understand that.

I’m so sorry. You deserve to be treated better. You aren’t the Princess of the Pee.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all, it sounds very very stresssful.

How have you gone with the usual advice? Remove all her normal underwear and replace it with Depends? Waterproof covers on everything – mattress, chairs etc?

With the three year old, I’d draw a parabola for him, and say that babies start unable to control the pee, then they get grown-up enough to use the toilet, then when they get very very old they can’t control things anymore. Does he want to stay a baby? Does he want to be a big kid and then be a grown-up? Does he want to get to be as old as Grandma straight away? Perhaps you stop calling things ‘an accident’ and teach toddler to say in-con-tin-ence.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
anonymous1732518 Sep 2023
The little boy is aware if he pees himself, mom will clean it (and him) up.
(0)
Report
Sounds like way too much peeing going on!

Is she wearing adult diapers or pullups? If not, do it now.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

If you have a three year-old that you're looking after you cannot also look after an incontinent MIL.

She needs to be moved into assisted living. No one should have to live with trying to scrub piss and crap off of their furniture and carpets along with trying to look after a toddler. That is ridiculous. It is not comical in any way and your husband needs to understand that right quick.

Tell your husband plainly that MIL has to go and that's final.

Either she goes or you and his child do. End of discussion.

Find her an AL or LTC and move her there.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Oh my gosh, I would be going crazy too.

I am sure that your MIL is a very sweet lady and that you don’t have a problem with her, BUT she cannot control her bladder and is making your life miserable.

Is there a reason why she doesn’t wear Depends?

I am sorry that your son is mimicking his grandmother’s behavior.

Has your husband lost his sense of smell? Doesn’t any of this bother him as well? Why is your MIL living with you?

Have you considered alternative housing options for her, an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing facility?

What would your husband do if you told him, ‘Please do the laundry. I am sick to death of doing laundry and I am nauseous from the smell.’

I bet if you went on strike, he wouldn’t enjoy taking care of his mom’s smelly laundry. Say that you have a headache and refuse to clean any more pee!

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Maryjann Sep 2023
If he has no sense of smell, OP's going on strike may reduce the days he does laundry to one day a week. That would be more punishment on OP. I just know that pee smell makes me nuts and doesn't bother my husband either. So if I made him do the stinky laundry, he would make a note in his to-do list and move on until a convenient time. Ugh.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
You are doing too much, this is your husbands mother, not yours, he should be doing the clean up not you.

MIL could be the nicest person on earth however, this peeing everywhere thing cannot go on. IMO she needs to be placed, as it is affecting your son as well.

Your husband doesn't get it because you are doing all the work, very common, men dump the caregiving on the wife and turn their head the other way.

This needs to be addressed now, as it will not get better.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Does your DH have no sense of smell? Mine sure doesn't!

I actually asked him if his mom was incontinent now and he said "I dunno". Seriously? how can you spend hours with her and not notice whether she goes to the bathroom or not? Or if she needs help changing her depends? He did say "well, I took the garbage out and it really stunk of urine."

OK, crazy man. That's b/c there's 2 weeks worth of wet depends in there and it's been 100 degrees for days!

This would be the straw that broke my back. IF MIL can't care for herself with toileting--and the smell of the house is affecting the QUALITY of your life, darn it, then things have to change.

When people become incontinent, it isn't just their CLOTHES that smell, it's the couch, the recliner, the bed, the carpet--EVERYTHING the urine gets into will take on that smell--and I'm sorry--nothing gets it out but to tear out and replace everything.

First, MIL needs help toileting--who is going to do that? Or she needs to be in Depends and able to change herself and clean herself? That would be the tipping point for your DH, I bet, if he had to wipe his mom's bottom. It's not like a baby's or even a 3 yo's.

Sorry/not sorry DH that you need to handle this. At least on the days he's home. It should be 100% on HIM to do this changing. I assume he changed diapers? It's not the same, but it's a chore that needs doing.

And MIL must at minimum have an 'undercarriage wash' every day. Using those huge 'no rinse' cloths that hospitals use, wet it well and hand it to mom to use. Be prepared to step in and get all the nooks and crannies. A shower 3 xs a week would be better, but you gotta live with what you have.

As far as removing the smells--after mom passed, YB pulled up all the flooring in her apartment and was shocked to find urine damage to the subfloor. The couch & recliner were both tossed as the smell was too awful to be cleaned. Really, none of mom's clothes could even be donated, since the urine smell was so strong.

Bowls of vinegar help. a little. But you have to remediate the actual source. If there are towels and carpets soaked with urine--at some point, they simply cannot be cleaned well enough for the smell to be gone.

Also getting the wet depends OUT OF THE HOUSE immediately helps. Mom would put her wet ones in a bag and put it in the trash. Weirdly, she wouldn't let anyone take it out to the garbage until Tues nights. So, a weeks worth of wet depends? You cannot fight that.

I wish you luck. I hope your DH stands up and helps.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Jj0327 Sep 2023
Exactly it’s like they don’t smell it at all and they look at me like I’m a nut case because all I smell everywhere is urine. Oh I do not do the grandmas changing that’s all on him. She is a sweet lady but she doesn’t and has never had a a clue who I was she was to far in her dementia. She calls me me nurse. So and she doesn’t like me changing her so my husband had to but just cleaning her isn’t enough even the kitchen chair she sits in smells like urine.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Well... sure call a caregiving agency ... then (realize) ...

Its time you move out *** (see below)

Your husband doesn't take you seriously.

As long as you 'spend my four days OFF cleaning ..." he will continue to expect you to continue to do so.

It isn't comical. This sounds very serious to me.
Joking about it sounds like stress release.

*** You need a respite / break anyway.
Either find a lovely Air bnb in another county ... take a week trip somewhere.
You need to let your husband manage this - or lose you.

I understand you have a three year old.
Either take him with you or get someone to watch him for a week, or if you think your husband can manage, have him handle the 'house' for a week - and see if that makes a difference. At the very least, you will get a needed time off.

You are not stuck. You need to take some action that will 'speak' to your husband.

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
Amen to that, TouchMatters.
(1)
Report
Next time he says you just hate my grandma own it. Say "Yes I am beginning to hate her. Caring for her is ruining our life together. The house stinks to high heaven and you don't even notice. She needs more care then we can give and quite frankly I really don't want to do this at all. You need to get her placed, have someone else take her in or I move out".
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Jj0327: Perhaps your DH (Dear Husband) could take over several shifts of 'urine clean up duty.' OR this dynamic will have to be amended; MIL seeks managed care facility living. There exists nothing "comical" about the situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter